Runaway husband/abandoned wife- will I ever get over it?

[Tumbletap]

I’m interested in speaking to anyone who has went through this.
My husband left over a year and a half ago now out of the blue, when our two children were under 3. Classic ‘script’ in that I thought everything was fine (except being tired with 2 young children) he left out of the blue, became horrible and hurtful over night, re wrote our relationship to seem like he had been so unhappy and of course the other woman came out of the woodwork very quickly and it would seem this had been going on for over a year.

It was a massive shock to me and my whole world got turned upside down, I very much loved him and thought him a great person so this awful behaviour has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with. We co parent as well as we can but he almost expects a friendship from me which I just don’t think I can give him.

I wonder if I will ever get over this? I don’t love him anymore and would never go back there but I’m still so hurt and betrayed particularly about the family life ending which I had wanted so badly.

I did some counselling and i felt it helped but I find the sadness and pain rears it’s head every month or so. I feel like I need to know why he did this and how he could treat me so awfully? It’s really left such a dent in my self esteem. I wouldn’t attempt to even engage him in a discussion around this because he shuts it down, even when it happened it was a case of “it’s done now, we don’t need to talk about it”. I’ve had no closure.

What makes it worse is that I appear to be ‘ok’- managed to buy him out of family home and am secure financially and have met a new fantastic man who is kind and caring and fun and sweet and happy to take things on my terms, and understands he will not meet the kids anytime soon. My ex then thinks looking in like all is fine and in a way I think he thinks I can’t be that hurt as I’ve have these good things in my life.

Just wondering if anyone has been a similar situation and what they found helped?

Happened to me four years ago, We had been together for 24 years. He woke up one morning and within ten minutes he was gone, No talk, no reason, no explaination. He literally got out of bed, started packing a bag and got in his car and drove away with me looking confused at the door. He blocked me on everything minutes later.

Still depressed and feel like I never want another relationship again as I will never trust anyone to that extent again. I almost took my life at one point.

I miss what we had, the life we had etc, but I no longer miss him and I wouldn't have him back.

Worst thing for me was/is the constant loop of questions in my head.. why? what did I do? why couldn't he have sat me down like I was a human being? How could he love me for so long then hate me overnight? Was it something I said? Did I do something to hurt him without knowing?

Took me three and a half years to stop thinking about him/us, I still to this day wonder why he left and if I think about it too much it sends me back into feeling depressed.

The first time in all our years together he hurt me, Which makes it harder. He too turned overnight into the coldest person, his eyes were dead, they way he looked at me it was like he resented the fact I existed all of a sudden.

Cry if you need to, just get it all out, watch mindless crap on tv to distract you, Talk to other people online or friends in real life, family if you have one, Try to find a new hobby or something to focus on.

Nothing really helps at first, but as time goes on it hurts less and you find yourself thinking about them less.

Keep telling youself that is he can just up and leave you without so much as a goodbye then he isn't worth your time thinking about him. He did not respect you, and neither did mine.

I went through a phase recently of dreaming about him, it happened everynight for a week, I had a dream he was standing at the alter in his wedding suit telling me how much he loved me, it really does mess you up.

I know a lot of people on here say people can leave a relationship for any reason, and that is true, but at least have the decency and backbone to sit your partner down and tell them it isn't working out anymore or whatever. this has been mental torture and I did nothing to deserve it, All it would have taken was 'I'm leaving because I'm no longer happy' rather than just leave and block me without a word.

If you need to talk then feel free to pm me, I know how you are feeling and its horrible.

Thank you. Everything you said makes a lot of sense ans basically sums up my feelings. It just seems so unfair and I hate feeling like this

Tumble I had exactly the same done to me, after XH got friendly with OW, the speech, the sudden walkout, and destroying my character. I am 9 years on this year, and it does get better, it just takes time. It was a huge shock and that causes grief and trauma and is totally different to a marriage ending when both parties can't get on.

Iwnbtsa I am so sorry that he did that to you after so many years.

There was no closure from XH, he refused counselling, and just turned into this cold hard stranger. Like Iwnbtsa says, I ran through everything over and over in my head, going round in circles, , why did he, how could he, what if......

I had a lot of counselling which helped, and I grieved the loss of the family life for a very long time, and I was sad for a very long time. But over the years, I have done all the things that I wanted to, holidays, day trips, concerts, etc. I have built a life that I am happy with, and have a lot of things that would not have happened if XH had still been around, so try to see things in a positive light now.

The counselling helped me to own the things that were true, and throw out the things that weren't, because he totally destroyed me with the things he said, and by blaming it all on me, because of course, he was perfect in his eyes.

XH is married to OW with DC, and has basically replicated the same life that he left here, that he did not want. He became verbally abusive and aggressive towards me after he left, so I have minimum contact with him now.

I think it has changed the person who I was, forever, because I never dreamed that he would do this to me, and he was such a doting father and husband, it shocked everyone when he just walked out on us. I don't want another relationship as I don't trust anyone, but that's just me. I have just concentrated on earning a living and bringing up DC on my own.

By looking in he is trying to heal himself. Something he is denying you!

Don't allow it.

www.runawayhusbands.com look at this but even better read the book ! It will help clarify your thoughts.

I grieved the loss of the family life for a very long time, and I was sad for a very long time.
Sounds like you are grieving the man you thought he was and the life you would have had with that person. That's allowed and it's healthy to an extent but don't let it suck you down. Keep getting some counselling and work on slowly feeling better.

It's very tough to get over something like this. My husband of 20 years left without a seconds notice when we were holding hands down the road just the day before and buggered off, apart from the divorce papers I haven't heard from him since, I've been totally ghosted.
of course there is another woman but I won't find out as he has just gone, moved 600 miles away to the other end of the country and cut off all of our mutual friends as well.
We had all of those shared memories and special, some very special times, he left all of our photographs behind, our wedding photos, everything as if I never existed, didn't bother to say goodbye to adult DS who has never heard from him since he left. Left all of our pets behind that he supposedly "loved", all of our friends, everything.
I'm just fine financially and I have a good job, the house was mine before I met him so that was safe, I have my pension for when I retire so I certainly won't starve.
He has absolutely nothing. A friend just told me recently he started a new life so I know he's alive but WTF makes someone abandon their entire life this way.
Its been three years and I cannot fathom what on earth happened and have no closure at all. If he had the decency to say to me I met someone else sorry and goodbye I'd have coped ok but it's as if the last 20 years never existed to him and me and DS never existed.
We didn't have a boring life, we did years of incredibly fun things and had a bright future. We could have done anything, gone anywhere.
The only thing that changed before he left was that he got into BDSM and all of a sudden all he could talk about was that group of people and that lifestyle which I wasn't involved in because it's of no interest to me, but he hasn't kept in touch with any of them either and I am none the wiser.
I have no closure and as a result I've had to start seeing a psychoanalyst to try and work it all out. I go every week.

You actually sound very strong to me. What you’ve been through is incredibly hurtful and you’re keeping it all together. Good for you, his hold over you will lessen in time.

@lwnbtsa

Happened to me four years ago, We had been together for 24 years. He woke up one morning and within ten minutes he was gone, No talk, no reason, no explaination. He literally got out of bed, started packing a bag and got in his car and drove away with me looking confused at the door. He blocked me on everything minutes later.

Still depressed and feel like I never want another relationship again as I will never trust anyone to that extent again. I almost took my life at one point.

I miss what we had, the life we had etc, but I no longer miss him and I wouldn't have him back.

Worst thing for me was/is the constant loop of questions in my head.. why? what did I do? why couldn't he have sat me down like I was a human being? How could he love me for so long then hate me overnight? Was it something I said? Did I do something to hurt him without knowing?

Took me three and a half years to stop thinking about him/us, I still to this day wonder why he left and if I think about it too much it sends me back into feeling depressed.

The first time in all our years together he hurt me, Which makes it harder. He too turned overnight into the coldest person, his eyes were dead, they way he looked at me it was like he resented the fact I existed all of a sudden.

Cry if you need to, just get it all out, watch mindless crap on tv to distract you, Talk to other people online or friends in real life, family if you have one, Try to find a new hobby or something to focus on.

Nothing really helps at first, but as time goes on it hurts less and you find yourself thinking about them less.

Keep telling youself that is he can just up and leave you without so much as a goodbye then he isn't worth your time thinking about him. He did not respect you, and neither did mine.

I went through a phase recently of dreaming about him, it happened everynight for a week, I had a dream he was standing at the alter in his wedding suit telling me how much he loved me, it really does mess you up.

I know a lot of people on here say people can leave a relationship for any reason, and that is true, but at least have the decency and backbone to sit your partner down and tell them it isn't working out anymore or whatever. this has been mental torture and I did nothing to deserve it, All it would have taken was 'I'm leaving because I'm no longer happy' rather than just leave and block me without a word.

If you need to talk then feel free to pm me, I know how you are feeling and its horrible.

Exactly the same as me lwnbtsa Nothing, just gone

My story is not quite the same as when my 20+ year relationship broke up we had a period of about 6 months that was kind of an awful de-briefing. Lots of anger and tears. Probably the worst time of my life. But if he had left without any discussion I'm not sure how I would have dealt with this.

I have seen much wreckage and pain caused my breakups. The worst being a friend of mine whose husband after 30+ year together and 2 children just said "I've been disengaging for some time now" got up and left - for his secretary. The next time she saw him was in court when he tried to get the house (he didn't). Such cruelty is unbelievable. It took her years to come to some sort of terms with this. I'm not sure she ever did. What I would like to know is what the new partner thinks of this? I couldn't be with a man who did this to his ex? Mind you, in this case the secretary also left her marriage in the same way with 2 teenage boys.

Another friend after her partner left (after more than one infidelity) tried really hard to be the grown-up for her children. Inviting her exes new girlfriend to her xmas party etc - - but just kind of got shafted by his selfishness and complacency and I think regrets trying to be so adult about it all.

From your posting, I sense avoidance and a habit of burying stuff - actually this strength has probably enabled you to get on with your life.

But - Something is dragging - I think you are entitled, for yourself, to tell him how much he hurt you. And that you thought his behaviour was rotten. I do not think it is acceptable that you shuts you down about this - really unacceptable. And he should be told.

Not so you can hear him tell you "why" or go over the past, but so he can hear you and you can say what you have wanted to say for years. I think this might be the thing that haunts you.

It might also help to get a few sessions counselling to figure out how to approach this. He will be looking to turn it into and argument so he can storm off or shut you down, but if you approach it in a careful way it could be very cathartic for you.

As for the looking into your life and sort of wanting to be friends stuff - this is quite tricky. It's almost a control thing isn't it? I no longer speak to my ex at all, but I know for a fact he quizzes my daughter about every detail of my life and engages her in humorous chit chat about "mum". I cannot control this as I do not want to try and control my daughter but I kinda of hate it.

I also know he would love to be 'friends', but I know I will always be on the back foot. I loved him very much and think I still do, so seeing him would be too complex for me. Apart from anything else when someone has hurt you that much, the trust necessary for friendship has gone.

But if you can or want to, you could learn strategies for keeping your ex at arms length (though this might get exhausting). Or - just tell him you want to remain civil, but distant, with clear boundaries and not any form of friends.

I guess what I'm saying is it might be time to put yourself first, figure out what you want, name it, and do it. And fuck him.

good luck.

Chump Lady is really good at deconstructing why arseholes people behave like this. You might find her website helpful OP. I'm sorry this happened to you, it's shattering.

www.chumplady.com/

Mine left after 20 years, had OW for 3 years (I think). He said he will never explain why, but if I had been a better wife he wouldn’t have done it. It eats away at me every day(nearly 2 years later). He’s abandoned our children (now 16 and 18), and hasn’t seen them for over a year. The eldest tried to open up communications with him recently, but he didn’t really reciprocate because he knows they have questions he doesn’t want to answer. His family have ghosted us too, so they’ve lost a whole branch of the family.....all down to one persons selfish actions.
It hurts, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. He always was (or appeared to be) the best father and husband, but on reflection I think he was selfish in lots of ways
Even writing this makes me tear up. Everyone thinks I should be over it, but it’s not the same as a ‘normal’ marriage ending.

This has never happened to me, but reading these sad accounts it feels as though the man you married and loved was murdered by the man your ex decided to become. It is like a particularly violent and nasty bereavement, but the mourning you need to do is sabotaged by the existence of ex, the murderous evil twin.

As I haven't been there, I don't have wise advice, but the fact that your husband's murderer is still at large - and in OP's case, even wanting to be friends, must make this a vey complicated crime to recover from.

This is both sad and interesting reading, I have not been where any of the posters have been but I have experienced a terrible trauma that came out of the blue that was orchestrated by someone else , I felt, and still feel a complete lack of control and feel I need an explanation from those who orchestrated this, however inadequate such an explanation may be.
Its the why was it okay to ruin my life shake my equilibrium, affect all the other bystanders. Can you ever trust and rely on anyone ever again.
I have great sympathy for all the contributors on this thread, the lack of control and bewilderment is all consuming.

@candycane222. It really is an awful place to be in. The person you thought he was is dead, was he ever that person? Was it all a trick, did he fool you all these years?
Mine wanted to be friends, on his terms, so he could have his cake and eat it. Wanted to be free to come and go and see the children whilst
Leaving parenting to me and he went back to the OW (while pretending to live with his dad in my case). I had to stop him coming into the home, just to protect myself, and that’s when he changed into a monster.
Everything is my fault, and a complete rewriting of history has occurred. The OW is welcome at his family home, we’re all historical figures in their lives.
It’s an abandonment, it’s not just a divorce. It’s much, much worse.....and unless you’ve been in this position (and I hope you will never be), it’s very very difficult to comprehend

Yes, I don't think for a second I can comprehend it, but I can see it must be horrendous. And interesting parallels from HazelBite. So sorry to everyone who who has been subjected to such inexcusable actions.

I think we’ll see a lot of similarities in these posts. Leaves for om/ow, person left behind didn’t see it coming. The trauma that they cause by turning so cold and uncaring, the rewriting of the history of the relationship and the blame shifting to the left behind partner. Then wanting to be friends which I honestly just think to keep you on the hook and to help them tell themselves well if they want to be friends it’s not all that bad.

I know I’m living it wide if leaving tomorrow start life with OM. We’re living together while she finds a place. Expects me to just accept what’s going on has no empathy whatsoever, very cold in her actions and words. We where cuddling and being intimate in the days before she said she wanted out and within a couple of days I learn about OM. That was over a year ago! It destroys you and the floods of feeling and emotion are overwhelming I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

I loathe him. He walked out, lying and lying and lying, when our DC were very little.

Then after all that pain he left the OW (from work) after 2 years for another OW (from work). Then he left her for yet another OW. He shagged the kids' swimming teacher, and then married a woman from work with her own house. He left her for another OW at work with a bigger house.

Our adult DC despise him and to give them their due went to tell his new OW that he would screw her over and leave her (and her small child). She didn't listen.

Life really puzzles me sometimes.

BUT, the way I look at it is that ultimately the arsehole did me a favour by leaving. He's dangerous.

My exdp of 12 years just upped and left one day about 6 years ago. I went out with the kids, came home and he was gone.

There was of course an OW. I was stunned for a while but honestly after a month or two (DC's refused to have anything to do with him) I just thought it's his loss.

I never got real closure and we have never spoken since.

I consciously stayed single until the kids reached 16 as I couldn't risk hurting them any further. I'm now in a relationship with a lovely man of 2 years.

I guess I refused to feel ashamed or at fault for another person's behaviour. That's all on him.

I had this happen to me. 20 plus years married and seemingly happy but he just upped and left for OW as well as coming out as a transvestite. I think he was totally fucked in the head and couldn't make sense of any of his feelings.
It still hurts 5 years on, but the man he has become is someone I'd now cross the street to avoid. Even the OW slates him publicly on Social Media so he's really messed up his life big time.

I forgot to add that it seems to be very important for women to want closure (I for one certainly did), but men find it very easy to compartmentalise things and run away.
Someone said this to me once and it's stuck "sometimes you'll never get the answers you feel you deserve so just try and leave that part of your life behind".

Without wanting to sound unkind , isn't the 'reason' that he found someone he liked more and left . You can't be responsible for him and some men are just weak and do that. I'm sorry you are still sad though .

@huuuuunnnndderrricks. Without sounding unkind......always seems to be a prelude to someone being unkind.
In many cases it’s a very simplistic approach to say the reason is they found someone they liked more. It’s more often that they found someone to stroke their massive ego or stoke the narcissistic fire in their bellies. If they did indeed find someone they liked better, is it too much to ask that after numerous years together, and the marriage vows taken, that they can extend the courtesy of having a discussion like a mature, adult person? Or, I don’t know.....leave the ‘unhappy’ life and THEN start up with another person.....is that too much to ask?? For a man to put his children first maybe, and think about the devastation their actions will cause to everyone connected in his poor life choices.
I’ve had my 16 year old beg their dad to put her first, I’ve had my 18 year old tell him how much pain they are in (self harming).....and his response ‘sorry you feel that way’. That’s it.

But yes, maybe they did find someone they liked more, so long as they’re happy?
Morals and values have gone downhill in the last few years and this allows people to just do what they like, to hell with anyone else.

Agree some men are arses , that's my point !