Runaway husband/abandoned wife- will I ever get over it?

[Tumbletap]

I’m interested in speaking to anyone who has went through this.
My husband left over a year and a half ago now out of the blue, when our two children were under 3. Classic ‘script’ in that I thought everything was fine (except being tired with 2 young children) he left out of the blue, became horrible and hurtful over night, re wrote our relationship to seem like he had been so unhappy and of course the other woman came out of the woodwork very quickly and it would seem this had been going on for over a year.

It was a massive shock to me and my whole world got turned upside down, I very much loved him and thought him a great person so this awful behaviour has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with. We co parent as well as we can but he almost expects a friendship from me which I just don’t think I can give him.

I wonder if I will ever get over this? I don’t love him anymore and would never go back there but I’m still so hurt and betrayed particularly about the family life ending which I had wanted so badly.

I did some counselling and i felt it helped but I find the sadness and pain rears it’s head every month or so. I feel like I need to know why he did this and how he could treat me so awfully? It’s really left such a dent in my self esteem. I wouldn’t attempt to even engage him in a discussion around this because he shuts it down, even when it happened it was a case of “it’s done now, we don’t need to talk about it”. I’ve had no closure.

What makes it worse is that I appear to be ‘ok’- managed to buy him out of family home and am secure financially and have met a new fantastic man who is kind and caring and fun and sweet and happy to take things on my terms, and understands he will not meet the kids anytime soon. My ex then thinks looking in like all is fine and in a way I think he thinks I can’t be that hurt as I’ve have these good things in my life.

Just wondering if anyone has been a similar situation and what they found helped?

@huuuuunnnndderrricks surely the point of this thread is that the men didn't explain, discuss or talk about leaving. They just upped and went.

For whatever reason you leave, surely it's common decency to explain and discuss stuff? Give answers. Allow closure for the other person.

It's not just about leaving for an OW.

@Tumbletap. I’m actually pleased I don’t have to co parent with mine, my children were old enough to sort contact themselves, and he only wanted to see them for a couple of hours a week.....which tailed off and then stopped.
I can’t imagine having to co parent. Even when I allowed him in the house, he would subtly undermine me and make sly little passive aggressive digs to the children. Luckily they could see through him.

People think of me as resilient, in that outwardly I appear to have overcome what he’s done and how he behaves. I haven’t at all, and doubt I ever will fully recover. My advice would be....don’t try and pretend you’re strong around others, if anyone offers help then take it. I was too proud, and that was taken as I was fine. Try and have as little to do with him as possible, it’s the only thing that has kept me sane. He isn’t your friend, a friend wouldn’t treat you this way.
There is a Facebook page Runaway Husband.....join it, you won’t be alone in your journey. I’ve made a few good friends through it, they understand it’s not a short episode in your life, that it’s devastating

Thanks for all your replies. My husband is no longer with the OW and claims he will always be single. To be honest I just think he wanted to live as a single man. What bothers me a lot is that I feel I’m basically enabling him to have this great life and he just ‘parents’ 2 days a week.

The friend thing I struggle with guilt about because I do think it’s in my children’s best interests for their parents to be friends, especially as they are so young. But I can’t bring myself to be friends with him, I’m civil but that’s it. My ex says that I’m the issue here as I should think of our boys and put my anger aside for them 🙄

I also think that being friendly towards him means I get the best communication when the kids are with him which is something I still find very hard. If I don’t be friendly towards him he basically doesn’t call /text/FaceTime with me while the children are there which is my only means of communicating with them as they are so young.

Thanks for all your stories, I’m not alone it would seem but somehow feel like surely this can’t have happened to anyone else because it seems so bad, sad and hurtful :(

It’s in your DCs’ best interests for you and your XH to be able to interact civilly. They don’t require you to be friends.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable for you to say to your XH that you wish him well and are happy to be on good terms with him but it’s too painful still for you to be friends. Perhaps you could make the point (unreproachfully) that you would not have chosen to end the marriage and while you accept it’s over, it’s too difficult at present to be friends. That may well change in the future but you’re not there yet. Could you say that?

I think it's common when a spouse leaves suddenly to ask why you weren't enough. But it's misguided. When men leave in this way it's because of an issue to do with them, not you. It wouldn't have mattered who you were or how. They are meeting their "needs", as they see them. Many men like this are weak , in my view. There are quite a few books around in this subject, I think.

I think when someone you love and trust lets you down like this it is almost like a bereavement because your life as you knew it just stopped.

You will get over it in time but not in the way you think. You will find a way of living with the knowledge of what happened and you will move on because it's what we do.

And you will realise he did you a favour by showing you what he is really like.

My dad did this when I was in my 20s. There wasn't an OW that I know of, or if there was she scarpered fast, but he definitely did the very sudden overnight turn into this mean angry person who was declaring that actually he'd been deeply unhappy for years and nobody had cared about him and his life would have been so much better without his wife and children.

He made my mum's life an absolute misery until the divorce and he was awful to all of us adult children. If anyone asked him any questions about any of it (like, "why did you drain the joint accounts?") he ranted and ranted in really awful mean ways, like saying he'd spent enough of his money on other people over the years and what about all that money he'd spent on birthday and Christmas presents for us as little kids. He missed my sister's wedding because he couldn't be arsed to go, then complained that he was being "emotionally blackmailed with guilt trips" when his wider family were shocked. My other sister kept trying and trying to talk to him and I remember her sobbing to him on the phone that they'd always been so close and what happened, and he said "well this is who I am and you'll just have to get over it" and hung up. It was like we'd had 25 years of Jekyll and suddenly saw Mr Hyde.

He was worst to my mum though. He was an utter monster for a while, invented this whole other past where he'd been deeply unhappy for 30 years and she knew and didn't care, and it was all her fault he was miserable. Now years have gone past and he isn't so angry any more, he is puzzled that she wants absolutely nothing to do with him and never wants to talk to him again. Bizarrely he almost seems hurt by it.

I don't know why he did this or why any men do this. I spent years trying to make sense of it to myself. My only conclusion is that it's like they hear this voice - an OW's, a divorced friend's, a narcissistic inner self, a disembodied demon, who the fuck can tell - whispering something like "maybe all the problems you've ever faced in life are not despite your loved ones but because of them? Maybe if you could just ditch all those inconvenient feelings of obligation and responsibility and guilt, then you'd find true happiness? Maybe the only reason you feel bad about being selfish is because those closest to you don't want you to be happy?", and they think, yes thank you, I have always suspected I matter more than everyone else and I'm glad someone agrees with me!, and go for it.

I don't know if my mum will ever really get past it, although, I also feel like she's made a choice at some point to not get past it, not in the sense that she enjoys being miserable but more in the sense that she feels (justifiably) deeply wronged and doesn't feel like she should have to put in all the additional slog to rebuild her life. I wish she would but it's not my call to make. It's hard to talk about this without seeming callous and judgy but one example was when I visited her and noticed a hole worn in the kitchen lino and offered to pay for her to get it fixed, and she said no, she shouldn't have to get it fixed because he was meant to be paying towards house upkeep after moving out and he never had. So she would rather live with an unsightly hole in the lino, that nobody but her ever saw. A lot of things in her life are like that hole in the lino and I wish she'd let people help her get them fixed, but at the end of the day... it's her kitchen floor.

Me and my sisters have pretty good lives now, but going through that hell has left some pretty hefty scars on all of us. It is just really really sad.

To be honest I think that a lot of women /men delude themselves into thinking theirs is a great partner /father .I know close friends who admit they are no longer in love but the partner hasn’t a clue and would be devastated to find out .One said it was only a matter of time before he got rid of her (he has stayed ,but out of convenience)but she thinks the sun shines out of him.
After a few years ,boredom sets in ,and if a better offer comes along they are gone.Some people never get a better offer so they stay .Of course there are a few genuine marriages but fewer than people believe

It’s not just men though . I saw a wife do this to her husband . It was like an invisible barrier went up to protect herself and she went totally cold .

Now her husband was not perfect , but he begged and said he would do anything to try again . Anything including counselling.

The coldness was something to behold . She did have someone else . And it was like once she decided to go that was the turning point and no going back so just get on with it .so she had processed everything in her mind and everyone else was on a different page .

Wow, @CallistoInRuins, that resonates so much. You describe that so well.

I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself in terms of the friends thing. You will confuse them if you do this, I think, because the fact is you aren't friends and dont want to be. And that's fine. They'll be fine along as they have separate good relationships with each of you. But forcing or pretending friendship is probably damaging both toyou and, by extension them. You owe him nothing. But for your kids sake, put your own mental wellbeing first.

I.e. confuse your kids

You can be friendly but you don't have to be friends.

What a twat he is. You should not expect to be 'over it' after 18 months. It's a serious trauma.