What women want

[Jacob174937]

I’m a 25 year old man who has occasionally looked to this forum for insights on what things women go through, to try and be a better partner.

I’ve been dumped again (second time in 2 years) and I’m feeling I just can’t be enough.

I’m average height (5’10- quite insecure about this) average face, I have graduated but only got an average job in finance. Im kind and really try and look after my partner and can hold a conversation, but it feels like there’s always someone better she can get!!

My question is this - will women always go after the taller, richer versions of me? How much do they really care about kindness and the fact I do my best? Sometimes just feel like giving up

It’s just hard. I know women go through this exact same thing - knowing there will be more attractive girls. But when I commit to someone I really commit. It’s making me scared to go out with someone attractive because in my head I know that they could get the taller/richer version of me

I think this is something you really need to think about carefully - you're compartmentalising women based on their looks. You're essentially saying you believe that people should date within their 'league' looks wise (bleurgh) otherwise one of them will cheat. That is an unhealthy way to look at relationships and buys into a really unhealthily looks obsessed culture. Just be mindful of that. You sound like you want to be a good partner to someone, you just need some time to mature and meet different people to explore relationship dynamics and enjoy being with people who can make you happy and feel fulfilled. And who you can do the same for ☺️

I’ve got a son like you OP. The thing is there are girls who are after the tall rich good looking guys but there aren’t actually many of them to go round, when these girls Get to late 20’s and start thinking about families then guys like yourself come into their own— the reverse is true if you are honest- how many guys regardless of their looks or jobs are still chasing the ‘hot young thing’ even in their 30s That all their mates fancy , rather than the perfectly pleasant intelligent ‘nice’ girl — at some point they get real

I’m also I’m my 20s so I know exactly where you’re coming from here. Dating is really hard right now. One thing I will say is please look at your attitudes around competition. It’s not a competition between you and other men, women are not a commodity to be won. It sounds like these women weren’t ready for long term relationships, which is quite normal at our age. You will find someone that is after the same thing as you, just try to focus on yourself and your own life for a bit. Don’t put all the emphasis on these relationships and try not to stress, you have so much life ahead of you to find someone and settle down.

Other people leaving you isn’t always a reflection of something you’ve done wrong, it’s often just something that is wrong for them. Good luck OP, you sound like you’ll find someone good :)

@Thehawki

I’m also I’m my 20s so I know exactly where you’re coming from here. Dating is really hard right now. One thing I will say is please look at your attitudes around competition. It’s not a competition between you and other men, women are not a commodity to be won. It sounds like these women weren’t ready for long term relationships, which is quite normal at our age. You will find someone that is after the same thing as you, just try to focus on yourself and your own life for a bit. Don’t put all the emphasis on these relationships and try not to stress, you have so much life ahead of you to find someone and settle down.

Other people leaving you isn’t always a reflection of something you’ve done wrong, it’s often just something that is wrong for them. Good luck OP, you sound like you’ll find someone good :)

the competition mentality is something that i've engrained in myself. It's unhealthy, I am starting to see that now.

the comparison trap really is the quickest way to a dark malaise.

Its always comforting to hear such things from an external source. Thank you for your help

thank you everyone! Hope some others guys my age can read this thread and extract some consolation

I'm a guy and I found dating in my early 20s very difficult. I'm actually 6'2 and had money but I had other insecurities (I was skinny and I wasn't good at talking to new people.) Then I spent my late 20s staying in a bad relationship, partly because I thought I "should" make it work and partly because I was worried about whether I'd ever find someone else.

After that ended I tried to work on myself (put on muscle at the gym, tried to wear nicer clothes, tried to talk with new people more) and in my early 30s I met a woman who really wanted to be with me and settle down (and she's hot, which is a nice bonus.) We've been together for 10 years now.

It's good to know what kind of person you would like to be with, rather than trying to be what you think someone else might want. Try to be you, a version of you that you like and feel good about, and then find someone who really likes you for you, and you really like them for them.

From what you have said, it doesn't sound like either of your relationships ended because the women thought you weren't rich or attractive enough. Do you think that all women are shallow gold-diggers, or just the ones you have dated?

It sounds like you just didn't have enough enough shared interests to sustain a relationship. If you actually want advice, I would focus on making that the basis of future relationships rather than looks.

OP I get the impression that you're looking at success in relationships a bit too logically... like, here's a checklist of things men have to be to attract a woman, these are where you can put ticks (kind, good conversationalist), these are where others' ticks are better (richer, taller).

It doesn't work like that, a good relationship is about a connection with that individual person (not just any woman or all women), not a scientific formula. When you click with someone it's surprising to find that what they're attracted to is sometimes a quality in yourself you've completely overlooked, not the thing you think is your best selling point.

Seeing both yourself and women as individuals, not items to be compared to other men or other women, will be a key change in your mindset. If a woman goes for a taller, richer man - and some will - then she's not someone who would have clicked with you anyway. Somewhere else, there's someone who will.

In terms of working on yourself, there's a fine line between trying to mould yourself into someone you're not, and improving who you essentially are. You say you need to be more spontaneous... it's worth a try. But if you're ultimately not a spontaneous person that's fine. And there are women out there who don't want a spontaneous partner. I think for most people, your 20s are a journey of finding out who you are at your core and becoming comfortable with that.

Failed relationships are part of that. It doesn't sound like either of your breakups happened for a reason that reflects badly, or at all, on you. First woman wasn't ready for a relationship - like so many people in their early 20s. Second got bored in lockdown - that's something that's affected the strongest long-term marriages!

My main piece of advice to someone in your situation is to meet more people. Not for relationships specifically. Broaden your social circle. Meet as many people as you can. Connect with as many people as you can. Make friends with people, men and women. Find your tribe, not just your person. The more people you know, the more people you'll meet through them, the more chance you have of finding someone you click with.

Perfectly normal to go through a few break ups before finding someone you want to share your life with. I'm 5 years older than you, most of my friends wanted to start settling down aged about 27.

This year has been horrendous for those hoping to date and establish a relationship. But things will get easier.

Also, the apps are there and help but keep your eyes open and look around IRL you might meet someone nice, who you click with that way. Agree with everyone else that 5ft 10 is a good height, so don't give that another thought.

Wish I could thank each of you individually. I wouldn't have thought that Mumsnet could be such an amazing source of advice