Best way to mentally move on from someone you really like?

[Willow79]

I met a guy through work & found him attentive to me in particular from the word go. It came to a point where some gossip was flying around about us & we both pulled back though never discussed it. I wanted to be professional but felt a real connection.

I asked him to be my plus one to an event at one point - he 'regretfully' said no due to prior plans. I thought this might be an excuse but it became clear it wasn't. However he never asked me to do anything after that. On one occasion during lockdown I saw him on a walk with a woman - I didnt stop to talk to him & mentioned it the next time he contacted me. He said she was an old friend & that he wished I'd said hello. I replied & said next time he is in my neck of the woods, we should go for a drink. He didnt acknowledge it!

Then on Christmas Day he got in touch to my surprise. We talked back & forth and we do this now every couple of weeks. I've now discovered he is still single but I realise that for whatever reason he is never going to ask me out. He is a fairly shy guy but I've given him enough 'ins' to make a move now.

It has left me with feelings of disappointment because I rarely meet someone I have this connection with. The difference is they have all made move in the past. Best ways to move on from him and not take it so personally?

Are you sure he was in to you? Maybe you misread his kindness for flirtation (I’ve done that before).

I'd stop the regular contact with him - it's not going anywhere as he didn't respond to the suggestion of going out for a drink - so the best way to move on and stop giving him headspace is to cut contact, delete and block. Just tell him you had a social media clear-out/changed your number if he questions it if you see him at work.

I can't say for sure given the (lack of) results. But I felt sure he did. The chemistry felt romantic than platonic. I remember early on we went to the cinema and I kept feeling him looking at me during the film & he kept buying me drinks (didnt do this for the others). He always made a beeline for me & went out of his way for me. The way he behaved went beyond kindness. Always caught him looking and felt all the signals from him I've had from previous boyfriends. But then he did nothing.

He messages me semi frequently online & when we talk over the phone I feel that same chemistry but I dont think he will make a move.

I think because I dont feel this way about someone often I see it as though - I'm not likely to meet anyone I like so much again anytime soon. That makes me feel low and I feel a bit stuck in that feeling.

The best way to get over someone is to get under someone

Get on a few dating apps and make some dates, occupy that romantic part of your brain with other people and you'll forget about him.

@wusbanker I would like to start dating again but I have this 'you won't meet anyone' voice in my head! I came off Tinder after a week as I felt myself becoming more shallow every time I swiped !

I'm late 20s now and it is harder to meet someone compatible the older you get. I've also gained weight & a few stretch marks over lockdown, so although I think I have a nice figure overall I'm definitely self conscious of that fact.

OP please don’t take his odd behaviour as a reflection on you. And late 20s is so young! The best time to meet someone as you are getting to know yourself better.
I think this is a MayaAngelou quote ‘don’t make someone a priority when to them you are an option’
I think this boils down to your sense of self worth. Make a list daily of the things you accomplish and the things you like about yourself. You don’t need approval from this man. It sounds to me as though he’s not going to be enough as he simply isn’t giving enough of himself, his issue not yours.

Thanks @Lurcherloves. I think I really needed to hear that!

I do feel his behaviour is 'odd'. Although of course we work together & having had a chat about metoo before, I know he is tuned into that too. But the bottom line is he isnt making a move.

As you guessed, I have taken a bit of a knock from it. I'll try and make a list tomorrow I had this feeling deep down that we could be something great if given the chance - and in the past I've had that feeling and it's been true, even I'd the relationship broke up eventually. But I cant force it.

I don't know if online dating is the way to go or not. But a few dates might take me out of my head about it I suppose. I just much prefer to meet someone organically but it is much harder.

Even shy guys make a move if they like you ( been out with a couple) he knows you like him and probably enjoys the attention. If he likes you - you going no contact could push him to make the move. Although he’s had opportunity before when you basically asked him out. Either way take him off your radar.
There are lots of dating sites , tinder wasn’t for me , perhaps try some others?

Also try meet-ups and other hobby based groups ? You might meet someone organically that way

I'm reading 'Attached' at the moment about attachment styles. He's possibly 'Avoidant' so it might be better to move on from him. You can't save or cure someone from this, if they have an avoidant attachment style then you may always struggle to know where you are with them.

Concentrate on controlling what you CAN control. If you feel bad about gaining weight, work out a plan to lose it. If you hate your stretch marks, buy Bio Oil and start slapping it on. If you feel unworthy of dating successful men (for example - that was always my hang-up so I’m not saying it’s yours!) then take some classes to boost your own feelings of personal success.

You get the idea. Speculation over why one man out of 6billion men isn’t asking you out as a cruel waste of your 20s. Focus on YOU. Time you spend on yourself is never wasted.

He sounds like a player. You are choosing to ignore the red flags/go along with it because you like him/he's likable. The situation already sounds toxic. I wouldn't be surprised if he's a bit of a covert narcissist, keeping a harem of women on his contact list.

And your attention is giving him a massive ego boost. By stringing you along and sending mixed messages he's getting his thrills for free. You ought to place yourself/access to you higher than this. You are making a fool of yourself really.

I strongly advise that you move on, OP. Sustained NC is the only way this will go well. Delete him number and email address, block on all SM apps and move the hell on.

Your intuition is correct. You've given him enough ins. Walk away.

He isn"t a player & I know that for a fact. But I do think @Febo24 is onto something with the 'Avoidant' thing. He comes across that way.

He isnt a bad guy & I doubt he is sitting at home getting 'thrills' from the contact. He is a decent person & I don't feel a need to block and delete him. That would be ott. We also socialise with mutual friends outside of work.

I am.spending time on myself, have been taking online classes & will do more in person activities when things open up - I am NOT spending all my time pining over him at home.

But I thought there was obvious potential there and I thought he would reciprocate. He didn't, I still like him. I find it hard to get over men I really like, as for me they dont come along every day.

As I said I hate Tinder but maybe I'll see what else is out there.

Why not just outright ask him if he is interested?

@HHSchultz do people really do this? Sounds terrifying

Either he isn't interested or he is but 1) not enough to make a move 2) he is worried about working together 3) he thinks I am just being friendly

Previously he did ask me to grab a coffee & we did this probably twice during a working day. Both times we did this our colleagues made a song & dance about it, asking why we had gone off alone without them.he made a joke of it, asking whose business it was but they did embarrass us a bit.

I suppose I should try to get the motivation to start going on dates. He might never make a move and I really missing dating and all that comes with it now.

Maybe he just likes your company to socialise with or to be friends with but isn't seeing you in "that" way? Like a work wife.

But he's pulling back a bit as he doesn't want you to be thinking you're "romantically connected". I've probably been a bit guilty of this with men before - I enjoy their company but they don't tick some boxes for me to date them so I'm wary of them getting too into me.

It does happen - I wonder what would happen if you said you were attached or into someone else?

I also think maybe if you haven't been doing a lot of dating (I've been here before) it's easy to read to much into a few kind/polite contacts as you're lonely.

Buying drinks, being kind to someone and contacting them - that can easily just be a friends thing.

I'm introverted and hate dating and meeting new people but have to force myself to reach out and do it or I get into these intense headspace emotional situations!

You could just set up a "meeting new guys for friends and a walk and coffee" ad, you don't need to go for the shagging/intense romance side of dating.

a work wife more a pet.

I have had several platonic friendships & romantic relationships. I know the difference both in the way a man behaves and looks at me which side they fall.

I have never previously thought a guy liked me who did not turn out to like me. I think a woman's intuition is powerful in this sense.

I know, I know, people will still say 'but he obviously doesn't fancy you or he would ask you out' and that's valid. But I don't think I am wrong about how things were in the early months of meeting.

Oh god, @SpringlikeBunk, I have enough friends. Romance and shagging would be great ...I just dont necessarily want something very serious right away and I'm not sure how easy that will be to find

Why not just say -hey you -do you fancy a date sometime? if he says no -says great, but I hope we can be friends. if he says yes -great.

Ask him..........

@Avonriver

Why not just say -hey you -do you fancy a date sometime? if he says no -says great, but I hope we can be friends. if he says yes -great.

Ask him..........

She's already suggested they go for a drink sometime and got blanked.

It’s not wise to ask him again. He’s not asking for a reason and you don’t want further rejection, no one likes to feel that

@Avonriver it's true I have never used the word date. The only way I would consider that is probably if I'm leaving my job and never have to see him again I'm job hunting now as im ready to move on.

BUT I think I need to at least try to start dating others. Do people who are dating not seem to have a bit of a glow about them? Or am I just making that up...

No @CoconutMaracas I know. I really, really, miss that feeling of knowing someone cant wait to see you again and vice versa. I miss it a lot.

You’ll find it again I promise. It’s hard but I treated dating like a job, I went on a date a week ! I met my lovely dh in the end. I met him OLD but there are things like this if you have a particular interest in something

www.meetup.com/cities/gb/17/london/