Timing and how to keep it in your pants

[MrsPolski]

Once upon a time, I got talking with a guy at work. Going for coffee, whatsapp, and then he asked to meet outside of work.

A few months later he asked me out on a date and we slept together. I pulled away, he got upset and blocked me. Few months later he apologized profusely and told me he wanted to see each other again but take things slowly. We went for dinner that day.

The chemistry between us is ridiculous, so we slept together that night and same thing happened. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no. He blocked me again.

Around that time, his brother passed away. And we have not talked for two years. I think of him often though. We get on like a house on fire. The chemistry is not only sexual, but true we can't keep our hands off each other. Thing is I was not interested ina relationship with him due to his lifestyle (too much drinking, partying, bankrupt and at one point homeless). I have 2 DC, so I want someone mature and stable, as I am.

I have been through a rough patch and thinking of him a lot. I decided to write to him and he answered! He invited me to go for a walk and we had a great conversation where we talked about what had happened in the past, how it hurt and affected us and how we still care for each other and wish the other well, want to be friends.

He left after an hour and left me wanting for more. But then he called me and said he lied about having things to do, he just wanted to take little steps, but could we chat on whatsapp... and we did During the in person interaction I was more open about how happy I was to see him and he seemed a bit shielded or pushing me back. However when we chatted I had the impression that he still gets butterflies. He said that we both had our minds in the gutter but it didn't mean we have to act on it.

Seeing him yesterday was as if no time has passed. He makes me excited, too excited to be able to not be silly. I can't hide how I feel for him. But I know how that ends. We have three repetitions of the same. I don't want to repeat the past. I won't invite him over, that's a solid protection but still not enough. I don't want to lose him again, that means we need to keep it in our pants.

At the same time, it looks like he has got his shit together (too soon to say, I know) and is in a better place now. I believe his brother's passing has something to do with this. If that was the case, I would like a relationship with him.

But for either friendship or more we need to push the break. We have tried in the past and failed miserably. We have seen each other just one hour and ... we are going for another walk today.

Or may be, it is me more than him. He has cancelled our walk.

I'm a little confused. From my understanding, it's you who have pulled away both times. His intentions haven't changed a bit.
From his perspective, you've led him on. Maybe he's trying to protect himself from another rejection?

I agree with Gazelda, you have pulled away twice, he likes you but is trying to protect himself from getting hurt again.

I think you need to respect his choice to take it slow and put the effort in to spending time and talking that is non sexual to prove to him you are into him.

Good luck!

I agree with @Gazelda
It is you giving the mixed emotions. The person who has pulled away in the past. The poor sod has tried sleeping with you then opening up before and it hasn't worked, no wonder he wants to take things slow, you probably crushed him again and again. You should too if you want to make it work as you said you "have three repetitions of the same"
If you want this to work try something different i.e baby steps.

I'd actually just shag him a few more times and get it out of your system because it sounds like all there is is chemistry but he probably isn't boyfriend material. You might find after a fun few weeks you will realise that.

I have to agree with others. You are the one who has been doing the pushing and pulling. He's trying to protect himself this time from being hurt by you again, by taking things slowly. If you really do like him respect that. And don't hop into bed with him again if you don't see it going anywhere, as you're just being a headfuck if you do do that.

So you’re just fucking with him?

You've been quite unkind, fucking him and then giving him the brush off repeatedly. Lots of women come on here crying about that sort of treatment. It's no wonder he's wary. I'd be telling him he's a mug for entertaining you at all.

Meeting yesterday was brutal, because I felt the emotions as strong as they once were, although it has been between 2 and 3 years since we last talked. He is the kind of person that makes everyone around him laugh (witty, funny, extrovert guy).

I was very hurt when he refused my friendship and blocked me, but I have been able to come back from that because I also understand he was hurt himself. We don't sleep around so he understood it was meaningful, and at the same time I was telling him I didn't want a relationship with him.

My own feelings (and not him) are making me sad because I felt the butterflies again and I am worried that he doesn't feel the same.

His demeanor has definitely changed. He was calmer, more focused, no banter (this was how we communicated 90% of the time). He left soon. He felt distant, somehow pushing me back (I flirted very openly with him).

He said he cares about me and I know that's genuine, that he is there if I want to talk, etc (I am going through bad times personally - very vulnerable at the moment).

In my excitement I have tried to hold onto other details: he called me very soon after dropping me off to talk more. But he had lied about having things to do to get out of our "date". He told me I looked gorgeous. The comment about both our minds in the gutter I understand that he felt sexual tension. But he doesn't want to act on it. He asked to meet today again. But he has cancelled because he has chores and work. He didn't want to drink wine when we met, good trying to avoid alcohol and lowering inhibitions. We played a game online while we chatted and he said "you still think I am playing this because of the game" and whe I asked why he was playing he said "because I enjoy the journey with you and the game is only a part of it".

I am very vulnerable emotionally, that may be the cause why this is heightened. I want to take things slowly and not act on our impulses and explode as we had done a couple of times already. I agree with him on that. I think we need to be back to be friends again first. But the turmoil of emotions yesterday was crazy. I am not been rational. Last time I did not want to have a relationship with him because of his lifestyle, I don't know if he has settled, so I don't know if things could even be different. I am just trying to deal with the overwhelming chemistry while I am going through anxiety and grief (unrelated to him) and feeling very low and vulnerable.

It saddened me that he cancelled our walk today and made me think I am been too full on. And that he may not be interested at all. And I feel sad, regardless of itmf it makes sense or not

You need to walk away, and stop messing him about, as it's very clear you don't know what you want.

You don’t seem to grasp that he has feelings too. Why did you sleep with him again the second time when you already knew you didn’t want to be with him and it hurt him the first time? You make it sound like you forgave him for blocking you when you should have been apologising for sleeping with him and leading him on and not considering his emotions.

Leave him be I’d say.

Regarding messages of been unkind/headfuck, not intentionally.

I divorced 5.5 years because my XH cheated on my with BF while I was pregnant. I have not dated a lot since. I slept with 3 men and every time it happened the same: getting close, pulling away, but I didn't realize that there was a pattern until the third guy. I may need to work through this.

I liked my friend very much, as a friend. When I say that chemistry is insane is more on an intellectual than physical level. He is not specially physically attractive to me, just average. The sex was not explosive, we were pretty drank. I had not thought of even kissing him before we went on that date. But it felt good in the moment and I did what I felt. After that, thoughts rushed through my head. I felt I had to decide suddenly if I wanted a relationship with him, this guy who until the previous day had been a friend and I had not looked that way. Too much too fast. I pulled away. He on the other hand had secretly liked me all those months and was just building up to that date. I trusted him when he said there was no romantic interest. And I only agreed to meet outside work after clarifying that with him. I would not have chosen to open the door to dating at work. At least he quit and made things more bearable for me.

Do you not see that this dynamic is just generally really unhealthy all round?

I agree you treated him poorly previously and it all sounds very angsty as if you're enjoying the drama a bit! That can be an addictive feeling I know but it doesn't make it any healthier.

I think you've given this dynamic a narrative that is romanticised - that you can't keep your hands off each other, wrong time right person etc. In actual fact it's been pretty toxic as a dynamic and at various times each, or both, of you has been hurt by the other.

It sounds teenage and I appreciate some elements of that might feel exciting to you but don't you think it's time to move on from this one? For both your sakes. Sounds like twice you've hurt him, best not to continue that cycle.

You've dumped him twice. Effectively used him for a great shag, but he wasn't relationship material. If a man posted that it would be obvious he was a knob.

@Gazelda

I'm a little confused. From my understanding, it's you who have pulled away both times. His intentions haven't changed a bit. From his perspective, you've led him on. Maybe he's trying to protect himself from another rejection?

I think that too. You can't blame the guy for being cautious and let's face it, you aren't the only woman in the world.

However it is possible to have an exciting relationship with somebody without making a forever commitment. If he comes back and seems keen to keep seeing you, you could suggest that he is less full on and you both take it easy, enjoying the present rather than looking too far into the future.

I understand the cycle is toxic, and that's why I don't want it repeating. I do care about him, a lot, and would rather have him as a friend than losing him again because I can't control myself.

I am practically asexual. I only feel this way with him and I don't romanticize it at all. I am a rational person, and demisexual. It was way easier when we were just friends and I did not think of him that way.

I also understand that I was the one at fault for sleeping with him without wanting a relationship.

He has said that he wants to be friends, I do want that too.

"He has said that he wants to be friends, I do want that too." While at the same time I am feeling excited to see him again and feeling things.

I understand the cycle is toxic, and that's why I don't want it repeating. I do care about him, a lot, and would rather have him as a friend than losing him again because I can't control myself.

But there is a third option which is being sensible enough not to have him as a friend due to the risk (and from what you say, likelihood) of boundaries being blurred. It would be selfish to be friends with someone you've hurt twice already and continue to toy with, whether intentionally or not. It's not in his best interest to be your friend.

I think you've built this up in your mind to potentially be a wonderfully exciting relationship. You've had great sex twice, you've had a sexually charged walk. No other dates.
From an outside perspective, it seems as though you are hooked on the chemistry.

But you say you are vulnerable right now. He is obviously wary of being hurt again.
I suggest you take a step back and cool down. You're putting too much pressure on yourself.
Heal yourself, then maybe get back in touch when you know what you want and are able to cope with the emotional ups and downs of dating.

All this talk of sexual tension, don't being able to bear losing him, not being able to control yourselves, brutal feelings, the journey, 'once upon a time'... It's all romanticised nonsense. Maybe if you posted just the facts instead of writing it like a novel people would understand your point of view better.

Have you considered that he may have a girlfriend now, hence the distance and pulling away, also last minute cancellations. Sounds like he is not as free to date atm.

@Gazelda we didn't have great sex. We were too drunk.

@TheWaif you misunderstand the language. We talk like that in a very jokingly way, pretty much mocking the poetry and romanticism. English is my second language as well, but it is funny to read between the lines and play with second meanings, etc. We did that all the time.
For instance:

• What side of the moon would you like to go with me?
• We would have lots of fun in the dark side

Yes, it is flirty, sexual, but also just banter. And the way we chat. We connect at that level of what we find funny, riddles, etc

That's fine between yourselves, but it sounds annoying and insincere to read.

@Flyingbirdie Of course I have considered, since we haven't talked in a long time. But I would not considered appropriate parts of our conversation yesterday if he had a girlfriend.

"at that time in the past ... i did like you very much. at this time in the present..... let's see what the future has :)"

Even here you're playing games - 'I just want to be friends', '....let's see what the future has' and you've talked of having blatantly flirted with him on the walk. Read your posts back.

You can't flirt and give mixed signals to someone you've already hurt twice.

Anyway you lost me at demisexual