Timing and how to keep it in your pants

[MrsPolski]

Once upon a time, I got talking with a guy at work. Going for coffee, whatsapp, and then he asked to meet outside of work.

A few months later he asked me out on a date and we slept together. I pulled away, he got upset and blocked me. Few months later he apologized profusely and told me he wanted to see each other again but take things slowly. We went for dinner that day.

The chemistry between us is ridiculous, so we slept together that night and same thing happened. He asked me to be his girlfriend and I said no. He blocked me again.

Around that time, his brother passed away. And we have not talked for two years. I think of him often though. We get on like a house on fire. The chemistry is not only sexual, but true we can't keep our hands off each other. Thing is I was not interested ina relationship with him due to his lifestyle (too much drinking, partying, bankrupt and at one point homeless). I have 2 DC, so I want someone mature and stable, as I am.

I have been through a rough patch and thinking of him a lot. I decided to write to him and he answered! He invited me to go for a walk and we had a great conversation where we talked about what had happened in the past, how it hurt and affected us and how we still care for each other and wish the other well, want to be friends.

He left after an hour and left me wanting for more. But then he called me and said he lied about having things to do, he just wanted to take little steps, but could we chat on whatsapp... and we did During the in person interaction I was more open about how happy I was to see him and he seemed a bit shielded or pushing me back. However when we chatted I had the impression that he still gets butterflies. He said that we both had our minds in the gutter but it didn't mean we have to act on it.

Seeing him yesterday was as if no time has passed. He makes me excited, too excited to be able to not be silly. I can't hide how I feel for him. But I know how that ends. We have three repetitions of the same. I don't want to repeat the past. I won't invite him over, that's a solid protection but still not enough. I don't want to lose him again, that means we need to keep it in our pants.

At the same time, it looks like he has got his shit together (too soon to say, I know) and is in a better place now. I believe his brother's passing has something to do with this. If that was the case, I would like a relationship with him.

But for either friendship or more we need to push the break. We have tried in the past and failed miserably. We have seen each other just one hour and ... we are going for another walk today.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I understand the cycle is toxic, and that's why I don't want it repeating. I do care about him, a lot, and would rather have him as a friend than losing him again because I can't control myself.

But there is a third option which is being sensible enough not to have him as a friend due to the risk (and from what you say, likelihood) of boundaries being blurred. It would be selfish to be friends with someone you've hurt twice already and continue to toy with, whether intentionally or not. It's not in his best interest to be your friend.

Sorry to quote myself OP but do you not think the third option I suggested is kinder to this man you say you care about? You've given mixed signals for the entirety of knowing him, going back years, it is time to accept that your dynamic is unhealthy and that you can't be genuinely good friends with no risk of hurting one another romantically when one or both of you has feelings for each other.

@TheHoneyBadger

Even here you're playing games - 'I just want to be friends', '....let's see what the future has' and you've talked of having blatantly flirted with him on the walk. Read your posts back.

You can't flirt and give mixed signals to someone you've already hurt twice.

Anyway you lost me at demisexual

That message about the past, present and let's see what the future has if from him to me.

I do want to be her friend. That doesn't mean I am not open to find out if circumstances have changed and it could work at this time.

Demisexualpeople only feel sexually attracted to someone when they have an emotional bond with the person

@youvegottenminuteslynn I only see it your way if he was not interested in a friendship. He has said he wants to be friends. He has forgiven. He was hurt, but he knows I didn't mean to. He understands where I was and why it happened. He knows I care about him and he knows my friendship was genuine (his wasn't). If he wants to be friends and we can be friends I think I am not doing anything wrong.

I do agree with you in the feelings part. And that's precisely the reason I am struggling. What happens if one of us wants more? I did not want a relationship with him mostly because of his drinking. But I loved him, I did not just shag him without consideration.

We hung out all the time. When he asked me for a date I asked why he needed a label for "our next dinner". And I guess I started with the embarrassing questions... does that mean that you will try to kiss me? Is that why you need to warn me that it is a date? Etc. So he told me not to overthink it, not call it a date and go with the flow. And I did. I went with what felt good.

Anyway, yes, I see a problem if one of us wants more. And I will not get sexually involved with him before I make my decision about wanting a relationship. But I believe it is his choice to decide if he accepts a friendship and his responsibility to deal with it if it becomes more for him.

I know what it means - think it applies to most mature normal people rather than being a special category.

Seriously re-read your posts where you talk about flirting with him and being gutted that he didn't seem so keen as he used to be etc. You're trying to reel him back in whilst claiming oh no I only want to be friends. You're not being honest with yourself let alone anyone else.

Leave the poor bloke alone 🙄

I haven't read the full thread, but you sound like a teenager. A head fuck. A dama lama who enjoys creative writing on the side. He should run for the hills. You shouldn't date. I can't see you getting together with a sensible person. Shag this guy and try not to disappear after one night instead?

@Wanderlusto

I'd actually just shag him a few more times and get it out of your system because it sounds like all there is is chemistry but he probably isn't boyfriend material. You might find after a fun few weeks you will realise that.

Bloody hell 😳😳

OP, I'm sorry but if you're not drunk, you sound unhinged.

Lots of psycho babble (demisexual?) & total self-absorption.

You've treated this man very badly & you are also disdainful of him. Let him be.

Definitely nor drunk, but on anxiety medication and depressed. Maybe self deprecating due to my current state of mind. Because interestingly, I have felt the aggravated part all this time. And he has been the one doing the apologizing and thinking he is a jerk.

In hindsight I don't put all the blame on him, but I also don't put all of it on me.

What is definitely true is that I am not in the right space for dating, so I have declined his offer for tomorrow.

@EarringsandLipstick

OP, I'm sorry but if you're not drunk, you sound unhinged.

Lots of psycho babble (demisexual?) & total self-absorption.

You've treated this man very badly & you are also disdainful of him. Let him be.

Definitely!!

So, you were upset because he blocked you when you wanted friendship, but he wanted more.
Well, now he's offering friendship, and you claim to be ok with that. But no, you are not, because you are trying to get him to respond to your flirting, and you are miffed that he didn't respond. Basically, you flirt, he responds, you sleep with each other - then it's, "oh but I just want to be friends".
Sounds like you are a mess of confusion, sounds like you are into the flirty chase and it strokes your ego to have things reciprocated at the time, but after you run scared. It also sounds to me like he's playing it right and taking his time.
So how do you keep your hands off each other? Well, it seems he can resist you, so you have your problem solved, he's got the sense to know when to hold back, and with you that is a good tactic. Enjoy tying yourself up in knots for his attention, while he doesn't react, and maybe teaches you something you need to learn - self control is possible.

I think that people is been very rude calling the OP drunk, etc. She is going through some stuff and anxiety, give her a break.

OP, I think that you didn't realize how much this bloke was into you, because he lied to you about being friends. I would feel extremely betrayed by what he did. He gained your trust disguising his true feelings. Many people sleeps with others without commitment, so I don't understand why you are been blamed for that. It looks like he was lying and you did not really know how he felt when you slept together. While I don't blame you, you need to understand that you really hurt him, albeit unintentionally.

It was completely justified for him to put some space between the two of you and cut communication. He can't possibly continue to be your friend when there are feelings involved and you have crossed the line. however, it is strange that you have come back a few times. Why?? Did he want to be friends? Did you want to be a couple? And why did you sleep together again after what had happened the first time? I mean, you were both really stupid.

I don't know what to tell you at this point. It looks like he still likes you or has not closed that door when he says you will see what the future brings. In that case, you need to be warned, that he doesn't want to be friends. He has played that card with you before. So I think you need to assume he is lying again about being friends, and decide if you want a relationship. You can't be friends. You may be successful at something else if you act differently this time. You need to slow down and he is smart and I feel sorry for him. Taking little steps is not for friendship. He is still hung up on you. And it has been years although I can't say from your post if 5? Do you want a relationship?

I think therapy would help you a lot more than whatever this is with this guy.

This mixed up seduction has all the confusion and hallmarks of an illicit relationship.
The toing and froing of should we shouldn't we. You both sound like you like each other but there is something in the background that is preventing you both from steaming ahead.
Maybe he has a partner, but he wanted you and had to be more certain before he left her, but your guilt got the better of you at the time
You sound like a love struck teenager.

I think you need to re-work your understanding of friendship. If you don't sleep with this guy but continue to see him, then you are in a non-sexual relationship.

You can never have a friendship because of the sexual attraction involved.

I think you want to be in a relationship but with no sex?

I’m sorry you are struggling with depression and anxiety OP. I would leave this fella alone and just focus on yourself for a bit. This whole thing is completely exhausting to read about, let alone live through.

And why on earth was he apologising? What is he supposed to have done wrong?

I had never heard of demisexual before, and it sounds true of large swathes of the population.

Mmm - what advice would you give him about seeing you? Wouldn't you say you sound like bad news really OP?
You can't expect friendship from someone who wants more- that's very selfish. And you can't expect to safely flirt with someone you're very attracted to but don't want more than friendship with.
Decide what you actually want and be open about it, rather than play games. I understand why you might be protecting yourself - but you have to consider others too.

@Seadad

Mmm - what advice would you give him about seeing you? Wouldn't you say you sound like bad news really OP? You can't expect friendship from someone who wants more- that's very selfish. And you can't expect to safely flirt with someone you're very attracted to but don't want more than friendship with. Decide what you actually want and be open about it, rather than play games. I understand why you might be protecting yourself - but you have to consider others too.

What advice would I give to him if I was not part of this situation?

• You should have been honest about your intentions/feelings.
• She doesn't mind sleeping with you, but she doesn't want a relationship

But he also knows that I care for him genuinely (a lot) and that my behaviour had to do with unresolved emotional trauma.

More than two years have passed, I believe we are partly strangers and need to get to know each other again.

On my part, seeing him was a myriad of emotions, that combined with my current vulnerability caused an illogical and immature, any port in a storm reaction (yes, I know I sounded deranged). It doesn't mean the same happened to him. I think he more likely sees me as someone he used to know but doesn't anymore. I believe he would have a good friend in me if he wants to, but will let him chose the pace.

What do you want from this man?