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Original poster

Anyone else living with a highly functioning alcoholic?

47 replies

IJustLovePirates · 17/04/2021 13:13

My partner is older than me. He’s retired. He’s always been a habitual drinker but it’s crept up over the years. He doesn’t drink during the day. He doesn’t do ‘hair of the dog’ or anything like that, but 5.30pm or so is wine time. He’ll drink more than a bottle of wine every night. Washed down with a few whiskies.We rarely make love. Otherwise he’s a lovely man. He cooks, he cleans and deals with the elderly incontinent dog poop and wee etc We talk. We’ve been together for 15 years.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 17/04/2021 13:20

What problems does it cause? Is the drinking itself actually the problem? Or have you perhaps fallen out of love, aren’t sure you’re still attracted to him (common in age gap relationships) and the mundane has set in as he turns into a big of an old man?

I suspect that both DP and I are highly functioning alcoholics, if you use the technical definition, and it’s just sort of how we live. Our lifestyle is very compatible with it and it’s just who we are. It sounds like your problem is that you’ve become quite different people with different expectations of what life should look like, would that be fair?

Pegsonstrings · 17/04/2021 13:21

@IJustLovePirates, I did and I lost almost everything trying to fit myself around him and his drinking. But my ex husband was abusive during his drinking and after a bender. And lije yours would start in the early evening until there was no alcohol left, and then he would repeat. There was no affection, complete financial control and regual abuse from him. While in our relationship I had blinkers on, it was just easier than having to deal with it. In the end I had to seek refuge in a womans aid home. Looking back I should have left him the first time I saw his patter but he was so convincing and nice. Devil in the home angel in the streets

Original poster
IJustLovePirates · 17/04/2021 13:29

@ComtesseDeSpair

What problems does it cause? Is the drinking itself actually the problem? Or have you perhaps fallen out of love, aren’t sure you’re still attracted to him (common in age gap relationships) and the mundane has set in as he turns into a big of an old man?

I suspect that both DP and I are highly functioning alcoholics, if you use the technical definition, and it’s just sort of how we live. Our lifestyle is very compatible with it and it’s just who we are. It sounds like your problem is that you’ve become quite different people with different expectations of what life should look like, would that be fair?

It’s the lack of intimacy. It’s also the fact that he’s older than me and I worry about him heading for both permanent impotency and early onset dementia. I also find it more difficult to have alcohol free nights myself as he’s always drinking at night.
OP posts:
Original poster
IJustLovePirates · 17/04/2021 13:33

[quote Pegsonstrings]@IJustLovePirates, I did and I lost almost everything trying to fit myself around him and his drinking. But my ex husband was abusive during his drinking and after a bender. And lije yours would start in the early evening until there was no alcohol left, and then he would repeat. There was no affection, complete financial control and regual abuse from him. While in our relationship I had blinkers on, it was just easier than having to deal with it. In the end I had to seek refuge in a womans aid home. Looking back I should have left him the first time I saw his patter but he was so convincing and nice. Devil in the home angel in the streets[/quote]
I am so sorry that you’ve been through this. I was in an earlier relationship that was verbally abusive and it affected me badly in my confidence. There’s nothing like that here.He just drinks and falls asleep and I feel very alone

OP posts:
Keepgoing88 · 17/04/2021 13:37

I believe a close family member is a highly functional alcoholic... good job, nice house and husband but drink too much in the evenings. Her husband was the same but recently he has massively cut back... I went to stay with them last year and I felt bad for him as she was very rude about him not drinking with her... she should have been happy for him as he looked so much healthier for it. I come from a family of people who love a drink but even my parents have cut down massively recently

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2021 13:38

You’ve basically gone front one abusive relationship into another one, this time with this man abusing alcohol. He like your ex targeted you and your boundaries, already messed up by previous abuse, are further being eroded now.

I would also read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour now.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Can you really see yourself spending the next 15 years like this, he may not live that long. Have you considered leaving him?. After all, his primary relationship is with drink and not with you. Don’t waste any more of your years on such an individual.

Contacting Al-anon could benefit you as well.

Ohnomoreno · 17/04/2021 13:42

How sad. The health risks are certainly real but if he doesn't see it or doesn't want to change, he may never do so. Maybe see if you can get him booked into a private health check to see how his liver , cholesterol etc is doing. Might be a wake up call for him if he's receptive. Sadly many addicts aren't.

Original poster
IJustLovePirates · 17/04/2021 13:43

To be honest... I wouldn’t care if he just said that this was what he intended to do and then Id just settle for this romantic but sexless life.... but we’ve, over the years, has discussions about alcohol free and alcohol light nights....and it just escalates back to him drinking as usual and me feeling alone

OP posts:
category12 · 17/04/2021 13:44

Maybe it's time to leave. It's not the kind of life you want, so stop living it.

username12345T · 17/04/2021 13:44

OP you need to decide what you are prepared to put up with. Alcoholism is a disease. It's not a disease in the way many people understand that term, it's a disease in that it's a progressive affliction. As you've noticed, it's got worse and that's the predicted trajectory.

You can't change him. If you're looking for advice on what you can or can't do to help him, the answer is: not much. Many partners of alcoholics are part of the disease as they put their lives aside to enable the alcoholic in efforts to 'help' and they often abandon themselves in order to do so.

At the moment you're in a lonely, celibate relationship and that is going to change for the worse if he carries on getting more and more immersed in drinking. You also have no real idea of how much he's drinking. You're seeing him start drinking at 5:30 but you may not be seeing the secret drinking as it tends to be secretive. The 5:30 drinking is also part of denial eg I don't have a problem, I'm not drinking first thing in the morning.

Here's what I would do if I was in this situation. I'd see the situation for what it is and acknowledge that it's unlikely to get better by itself. I'd decide if that works for me; am I happy in a celibate relationship that lacks intimacy but I have someone to help around the house and clean up dog doodoo? Is the fact that I'm in a relationship with a 'good egg' enough of a pay off for the lack of intimacy and celibacy? For some, that is enough and they just ignore the problem drinking.

Other options are to contact AlAnon and join in some online meetings with other spouses of alcoholics for support. You can also have a bit of a think about how to move forward if you're not happy with the status quo.

Wolfiefan · 17/04/2021 13:45

It’s very sad but his primary relationship is with alcohol. You’re not his priority here.
Frankly I couldn’t live like that. I would leave
Hope he’s not driving a car OP.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/04/2021 13:49

You are as caught up in his alcoholism as he is and this is why I mentioned codependency. It’s controlling him just as his reactions to it are controlling you.

You have a choice here to make re this man and he has and continues to put alcohol first in his life. You do not have to accept this life you are living now for your own self.

Original poster
IJustLovePirates · 17/04/2021 13:54

@AttilaTheMeerkat

You’ve basically gone front one abusive relationship into another one, this time with this man abusing alcohol. He like your ex targeted you and your boundaries, already messed up by previous abuse, are further being eroded now.

I would also read about codependency and see how much of this relates to your own behaviour now.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. Can you really see yourself spending the next 15 years like this, he may not live that long. Have you considered leaving him?. After all, his primary relationship is with drink and not with you. Don’t waste any more of your years on such an individual.

Contacting Al-anon could benefit you as well.

These things are never quite as cut and dried as this. It doesn’t feel like an abusive relationship...more of a neglectful one. He Is my best friend in all other ways of my life, he has taken me to places and experiences I’d never otherwise would have. I don’t want to consider life without him....I’m just in this situation where I think he needs to address his own drinking....and I need to be careful of my own drinking, and not drink to keep him company.
OP posts:
CausingChaos2 · 17/04/2021 13:56

I’m sorry but I agree with PPs. The fact he waits until 5:30pm to begin his binge drinking doesn’t make him any less of an alcoholic. Alcoholism is a one way downward spiral, with the only glimmer of hope being to go sober.

Are you happy in a sexless marriage? He is prioritising his drinking over your love life.

gerbilfur · 17/04/2021 13:56

My dad was an alcoholic, all his adult life. He was high functioning. He held down a job nearly all his life, however once he turned 60, his health suddenly failed completely. He was diagnosed with decompensated alcoholic liver disease, and 3 years later he died a truly horrible death. It doesnt get easier. Get out now would be my advice.

Oblomov21 · 17/04/2021 14:01

I agree with Attila. But you can't see this, your subsequent posts show this.

Unfortunately you don't have the self worth to be able to clearly see the situation for what it is.

ConnieCaterpillar70 · 17/04/2021 14:02

You've had good times, that's great, but the future won't hold those. Just the slow and gradual decline of a man you love. You either choose a front row seat or one at the back, basically.

Original poster
IJustLovePirates · 17/04/2021 14:08

@Ohnomoreno

How sad. The health risks are certainly real but if he doesn't see it or doesn't want to change, he may never do so. Maybe see if you can get him booked into a private health check to see how his liver , cholesterol etc is doing. Might be a wake up call for him if he's receptive. Sadly many addicts aren't.
He’s been depressed recently. I persuaded him to see his GP. He had various blood tests done The GP said his liver function was better than hers!!! Needless to say he lied to her about how much he actually drinks. His other blood tests were all unfortunately good :(
OP posts:
category12 · 17/04/2021 14:11

Depression is exacerbated by alcohol.

username12345T · 17/04/2021 14:15

I persuaded him to see his GP

He's a grown man OP, he can make his own Drs appointments. Alcohol is a depressant. Is he on online forums looking for help for himself because of how it's affecting you?

Thought not...

Original poster
IJustLovePirates · 17/04/2021 14:17

Thanks for all your replies. It’s just not that easy at my age to just LTB. He’s not really a b@srard.... he just drinks too much and falls asleep. He supports me in all other areas of my life. He takes my turn of the shopping/cooking/cleaning.... We have always had great discussions about all sorts of stuff... we’re both musicians and get on really well usually

OP posts:
FourTurnings · 17/04/2021 14:26

My DH is a high functioning alcoholic - certainly alcohol dependent. He’s made a few changes to his drinking habits in the interests of a better relationship between us but essentially he can’t (or won’t) go a day without booze. A lot of booze every night. He works hard, is never late for work, never appears hungover. He works on the house and does his fair share of chores. His looks have been affected (red face, overweight etc). Basically I’ve chosen to accept him as he is - nagging doesn’t work. If his drinking affects me (if he becomes irrationally bad tempered for example) I challenge it but it’s his life and he needs to find it in himself to change - I didn’t cause this and can’t cure it.

Oblomov21 · 17/04/2021 14:30

And if his liver function is good, unfortunately you have even less ammunition medically wise to convince him to change.

But he should care how you feel. Have you actually really told him?

Justmuddlingalong · 17/04/2021 14:30

If you get on really well in other aspects of your relationship and you're happy then there is no issue. But, if his drinking was really not a problem, then I don't think you would have posted looking for advice.

Original poster
IJustLovePirates · 17/04/2021 14:34

@FourTurnings

My DH is a high functioning alcoholic - certainly alcohol dependent. He’s made a few changes to his drinking habits in the interests of a better relationship between us but essentially he can’t (or won’t) go a day without booze. A lot of booze every night. He works hard, is never late for work, never appears hungover. He works on the house and does his fair share of chores. His looks have been affected (red face, overweight etc). Basically I’ve chosen to accept him as he is - nagging doesn’t work. If his drinking affects me (if he becomes irrationally bad tempered for example) I challenge it but it’s his life and he needs to find it in himself to change - I didn’t cause this and can’t cure it.
Thank you. That’s the sort of place I’ve got to. Just accepting that that’s what he does. Feels like I’m in Limbo though.... not bad enough to leave/ not good enough to stay......and not sure if I want to go through the whole financial upheaval of us dellingbth3 house @nd all that would entail.
OP posts: