Anyone else living with a highly functioning alcoholic?

[IJustLovePirates]

My partner is older than me. He’s retired. He’s always been a habitual drinker but it’s crept up over the years. He doesn’t drink during the day. He doesn’t do ‘hair of the dog’ or anything like that, but 5.30pm or so is wine time. He’ll drink more than a bottle of wine every night. Washed down with a few whiskies.We rarely make love. Otherwise he’s a lovely man. He cooks, he cleans and deals with the elderly incontinent dog poop and wee etc We talk. We’ve been together for 15 years.

Can you not encourage one alcohol free night a week. Maybe plan something that involves him driving so he can't drink on that evening. Not sure what that could be as Covid has affected everything. If he doesn't agree I would start cutting back yourself...one evening at a time. Me & DH used to drink every night but we have cut right back to a few glasses at the weekend, I think once you start feeling the health benefits from non Alcohol days you want more and more . I love waking up fresh and head clear and less anxious. Good luck OP, I can tell you really want this relationship to work

@Oblomov21

And if his liver function is good, unfortunately you have even less ammunition medically wise to convince him to change.

But he should care how you feel. Have you actually really told him?

Yes. Several times

It’s a difficult position for you OP. Given what you’ve said, I would think an honest discussion with him would be an idea; at least he’ll know how you feel. If he were to make some changes, would that help?

Sorry you have answered this!

So you would overlook the lack of intimacy for the foreseeable? How old are you OP?

@bert3400

Can you not encourage one alcohol free night a week. Maybe plan something that involves him driving so he can't drink on that evening. Not sure what that could be as Covid has affected everything. If he doesn't agree I would start cutting back yourself...one evening at a time. Me & DH used to drink every night but we have cut right back to a few glasses at the weekend, I think once you start feeling the health benefits from non Alcohol days you want more and more . I love waking up fresh and head clear and less anxious. Good luck OP, I can tell you really want this relationship to work

Thank you so much. I’ve been trying for alcohol free nights and alcohol light nights for months/years now. We have a basic agreement....it’s just not quite been coming to fruition. I have managed myself to have two alcohol free nights a week and I spend them doing something creative and enjoy the alone time. He IS a good man who is on the surface amenable to change......just doesn’t get there :(

He’s not amenable to change OP. Alcoholics don’t stop drinking unless they choose to do so. He doesn’t want to stop. He won’t. He may agree to little steps to try and make you leave him in peace. But he won’t stop.

@Justmuddlingalong

So you would overlook the lack of intimacy for the foreseeable? How old are you OP?

I’m in my late 50s.... he’s much older. I could actually be ok if it was all or nothing, but he occasionally he wants to still make love. My difficulty is on being expected to make love occasionally, when it’s not actually the norm now.

He pays lip-service to change, but he doesn't really want to.

And you can't say on one hand you think he's an alcoholic and yet at the same time expect alcohol-free nights etc to fly with him. He's alcohol-dependent. The only way he'll make changes is to engage with his GP or AA/similar and really have a drive of his own to stop.

@Justmuddlingalong

If you get on really well in other aspects of your relationship and you're happy then there is no issue. But, if his drinking was really not a problem, then I don't think you would have posted looking for advice.

Wasn’t looking for advice as such.... my opening question was to find out if anyone else lives like this. I know it’s crap. I know most people don’t live like this. I know the general advice is LTB. It’s not always that easy or financially practical to do this.

My mum lived like it: her husband was an alcoholic. She loved him a lot and they were very co-dependent. I think you could fairly say she has issues with alcohol herself (as do I which is why I am teetotal now). He used to wake and take his morning tablets with a swig of wine. He had tons of annoyingly healthy doctor's results in late middle age, but you can't outrun these things forever - he died of liver cancer and mum was his carer through the last few awful years. They had many mostly happy years together, tho, although alcohol was always an issue.

And he’s not a bad man. He does all sorts of caring and thoughtful things for me. He just drinks. Every single night.,

Neither was my stepdad a bad man, he was just an alcoholic.

Look, it's your choice to stick it out if you're happy enough. But it's massively unlikely you will get him to stop drinking, because he's simply not wanting to, so you are looking at him slowly deteriorating and likely dying of an alcohol-related condition, and if you're unlucky a long-drawn out horrible one. But we've all got to die of something, no?

Have you thought about shifting the focus away from him and putting it back onto yourself OP?

I know you feel as though you're in between a rock and a hard place but there are some worrying aspects to what you've written.

• You were, up until recently drinking every night. Have you had any blood tests yourself? Sounds like there's a problem for you as well.

• You've been in a couple of relationships where your needs weren't being met, including this one. What's that about? Did you have neglectful or dysfunctions parenting?

Have you thought about having counselling for yourself to work on some of these issues? It might help you to work out how to move forward.

I live with a functioning alcoholic. He drinks every single night at about 830pm until we go to bed at 10 ish during this time he's had 6-8 cans. He's fit apart from the beer belly and red face. He has no issues with work or health but it's the same each night
Back in March I said I was worried and that I want us to have time together and he's drinking himself into an early grave and he said he'd stop mon- Weds, it lasted 2 weeks then back to normal. I raised it again last Friday and he's promised me again that he won't drink mon-weds. Alcoholics have to want to stop themselves but until he does...I drink 1 bottle of wine a weeks by the way. Each time he cracks open a can I wince inwardly. I'm wondering how long this promise will last. I never mention it or nag him to stop, there's no point like I say he had to want this himself.

I'm not sure - my stepfather used to drink that much and then cut right back but over the past 12 months (probably out of boredom or work stress) he'd gone back to drinking the same.

One bottle of red and 2-3 'home poured' double whiskies. By which I mean definitely bigger than pub measure doubles.

He had a health scare the other week that led him being admitted to A&E. It doesn't appear to be anything too bad but I suspect the doctors gave him a bit of a bollocking so now he has cut back again.

I don't consider my SF to be an alcoholic TBH as although he drinks a lot he can choose to cut back when he wants to and previously has kept this up for quite a long time (years).

Would your DH be able to cut back?

Is it impacting his daily life in anyway?

Do you believe him about the liver function test results? I wouldn’t, unless I had proof, he could be telling you anything.

What do you mean his other tests were unfortunately good? That reads terribly. 😱

@Bluntness100, I think it means he hasn't had the health wake up call.

Op, what does he do, during the day or evenings, does he socialise, play any sports?
Drinkers usually get boring and tend to be selfish. You mention sex, but when he wants it. Would he agree to go out walking early afternoon so that his drinking time is disrupted or are his drinking habits too ingrained?

I would agree about putting the focus on you. Outside of the relationship do you have anything you want to achieve? I assume you still work?

Op, you can have normal liver blood results and still have progressive liver disease. Have you seen a copy of the report? I would be sceptical about the comment the GP is supposed to have said.

I know someone who has been in this situation 40 years of marriage, drinking less alcohol units than your DH but still opting out of evenings (maybe a handful of evenings no alcohol during that time).
The wife in this situation isn’t “co-dependent” but couldn’t do some things eg go out in evening together somewhere sober or get up both together before 9am.
However drinking started at 9pm and he always had to be fit to drive at 9am.

So limbo can go on for a long time if liver doesn’t fail. This situation works because there has been a limit on how far it can impact the wife and she has compromised.

I wish you were going to get lots of transformation stories but I don’t think you are. Good luck.

@Fireflygal

Op, you can have normal liver blood results and still have progressive liver disease. Have you seen a copy of the report? I would be sceptical about the comment the GP is supposed to have said.

Indeed, lying does tend to go hand in hand with addiction.