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Original poster

Holiday aibu

37 replies

Mytym · 17/04/2021 12:33

Partner and father of 1yr old wants to go on a 3 week holiday with his friends for a hobby "trip of a life time". They are planning it for 2 years time. Aibu to think 3 weeks is a really long time and I'm pissed off that he is thinking of going. I will be left with our then 3 year old and I guess his parents will do the child care while I'm at work and he's on holiday.

OP posts:
category12 · 17/04/2021 12:42

Well, it's in two years time, it's not like you don't have plenty of time to prepare for it.

You might not be hugely unreasonable if it will come at a price that you won't be able to have a family holiday or paying for this jaunt will compromise the household finances, but if he's saving up for himself and paying his way at home, and he pulls his weight with childcare and at home normally, and if he would be OK with you doing similarly, then you're unreasonable. Three weeks is a long time, but if it's really a once in a lifetime thing?

venusandmars · 17/04/2021 12:48

It is a long time, but there are many situations which result in a partner being absent for that length of time. You've got 2 years to plan for it, financially and in organising support. For a trip of a lifetime I'd encourage my dp. But we're all different.

cariadlet · 17/04/2021 12:52

I think that as long as it's being paid for out of his own money rather than family money and it genuinely is a one off trip of a lifetime, then it's completely acceptable.

DP went off with his cousin for 3 or 4 weeks when dd was about 5 (13 years ago so I can't remember exactly how long for). He had the opportunity to do something that he found very exciting and special so I encouraged him to go.

Single parents cope all year round. You'll be fine for 3 weeks.

Original poster
Mytym · 17/04/2021 12:54

Thanks for your perspective. Maybe I am being selfish but I can't help how I feel. I wouldn't even dream of going off for 3 weeks.

OP posts:
BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 13:02

Once in a lifetime with 2 years notice, assuming doesn't financially disadvantage the family nor mean that your family will not be able to have any family time together if he only has statutory levels of annual leave.

I would state that if childcare is going to be an issue, that he needs to source this and ensure that the costs of this are included in the costs.

MayorGoodwaysChicken · 17/04/2021 13:04

Are you planning a second baby? If you are and they would be tiny, then I wouldn’t be happy about three weeks. But if you have one three year old and he arranges all his responsibilities to be covered then I can’t see an issue as long as he can afford it.

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2021 13:05

I have to say I would be annoyed too about the fact that he has just decided to do this without thinking through the financially and childcare responsibilities!

Could you just do this?

Creepygnochi · 17/04/2021 13:06

Is he climbing Everest?

category12 · 17/04/2021 13:08

@Quartz2208

I have to say I would be annoyed too about the fact that he has just decided to do this without thinking through the financially and childcare responsibilities!

Could you just do this?

He's got two years to prepare Hmm
Quartz2208 · 17/04/2021 13:12

@category12 but I bet for the trip - has he even thought about the financial implications for the family (savings, buying a house etc) that the trip will have and childcare etc

There are preparations for the trip and preparations for family life - is he doing both

A 3 week trip will cost 1000s does he earn enough that it wont be felt for awhile

Pebbledashery · 17/04/2021 13:15

As pp said. Single parents cope on their own all the time. I'm sure you wouldn't dream of going away for 3 weeks but if you did, I'm sure your husband would be supportive of you going.

category12 · 17/04/2021 13:17

@Quartz2208 I think there's room for a person to save for their trip of a lifetime and still be able to contribute fairly to their household - I did question in my first post whether it would negatively affect the household finances, and OP didn't leap to say it would, which you would think she would given she hates the idea.

cocodomingo · 17/04/2021 13:21

I think you can cope for 3 weeks with 2 years notice...its so important to maintain individual identities and support each other. If you had said that he'd prevented you doing the same that would be different....but expecting someone to act as you would is a recipe for resentment and disaster

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2021 13:23

Then I guess @category12 what the OP needs to say is that this cannot in anyway stop his contributions to the household finances because of course it is going to have a negative impact.

I have to say we are currently saving for the family holiday of a lifetime (likely to be 2022) and it does impact financially trying to save. It means making decisions as to whether you can buy a coffee here or there and moving and waiting for things. We have made the decision together for the children and us once this is all over. But saving for does mean sacrifices for us (not the children)

He needs to take all of that though - can he or is he expecting her to make it all?

We simply dont know. And yes single parents cope because they are single parents not part of a team who should be thinking as one

OverTheRainbow88 · 17/04/2021 13:24

YANBU sounds very selfish and costly.

jackstini · 17/04/2021 13:25

If you wanted to do something similar would he be supportive?

How much of a real opportunity of a lifetime is it?

I had the amazing option of going round the world with my auntie for 8 weeks but had just bought a house and had been with DP 2 years (although no kids)

He supported me completely, plus did up my house whilst I was away

I married him Grin

Original poster
Mytym · 17/04/2021 13:26

Sad OK I must be being unreasonable. I appreciate the replies.
Our finances are separate as is our living situation. No more babies on the cards.

It really is purely because I think it is a really long time to go and I feel resentful that he wants to go for that long.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 17/04/2021 13:28

So you don’t even live with him?

Quartz2208 · 17/04/2021 13:28

So you dont live together? Are there any plans to - or is this being prioritised.

rookiemere · 17/04/2021 13:29

It depends on how much of a trip of a lifetime it actually is. DH went off for two weeks on his 50th and I waved him off, but since then coronavirus and change of financial circumstances mean it's unlikely i'll get the same in time and money equivalent which is what I'd like to be fair. The key thing though is that he did discuss it with me before booking and if I'd said No for genuine reasons he wouldn't have gone.

in your case the far bigger issue is that it doesn't sound like much of a partnership at all.

category12 · 17/04/2021 13:29

@Quartz2208 Depends how entwined their finances are really, and I'm totally with you in that he should be taking the strain on saving for it and sorting out childcare cover. Him doing this should affect OP as little as possible. But I think it's unfair just to chuck a wobbly at the very idea of it.

AbstractHeart · 17/04/2021 13:29

No babies planned but maybe double up on the contraception just in case because a pregnancy could really scupper his expensive holiday!

category12 · 17/04/2021 13:30

Cross-posted with OP's update.

Original poster
Mytym · 17/04/2021 13:30

No we don't "even" live together. We are not planning on living together.

OP posts:
Creepygnochi · 17/04/2021 13:32

Then, to be perfectly honest, he can do as he pleases with his time and money.