Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating men with two ex wives

60 replies

gonebeyondcaring · 17/04/2021 12:31

My marriage ended at the beginning of the year and I'm happily enjoying been single and have no interest in dating or getting into a relationship anytime soon. However over the last couple of weeks a man I met in work has been quiet flirty and suggested we go for a drink when lock is over and the rules relax. I just laughed it off and didn't really give a response. This man is very friendly but has mentioned in conversation that he's been married and divorced twice and has children with both ex wife's. Doesn't have a good relationship with either and has limited access to both sets of children because of this. He claims it's because his wives were upset that he ended the marriages. I haven't pushed for any more info I don't intend on entering into any kind of relationship with him and this information doesn't fill me with any desire to even think about it. But it has got me thinking, at my age we are all going to have baggage me included and maybe at some point I might want to be in a relationship again although right now I very much doubt it. But would a man with two ex wives with children and both ex wives hate him would that be a red flag or am I been a bit unfair?

OP posts:
Devlesko · 17/04/2021 14:19

If you have to ask about obvious red flags, you aren't ready to be dating.
Take some time to get to know who you are and what type of men make decent partners.
It's not usually those who have been married, unless of course widowed.

Silverfly · 17/04/2021 14:24

I agree with you OP.

dottiedodah · 17/04/2021 14:40

Two failed marriages and disputes re children dont bode well really . There is a lot of baggage for sure .Maybe look around and dont get involved at this stage with anyone .Have a fun time with friends and give this chap a wide berth!

ClarkeGriffin · 17/04/2021 15:43

Ha not a chance is he trustworthy.

If you do fall for his crap, which it doesn't seem like you're going to I hope, you are just ex wife number 3 and baby producer number 3. There will be a 4, 5, 6 etc.

Plus any parent that is OK with not seeing their kids, as in happy to not try to make a relationship work with their ex or go through courts to force it, is a complete asshole. He doesn't care about his kids.

Your friends need better standards.

Lovelydiscusfish · 17/04/2021 15:48

I’ve got two ex husbands. I don’t think I’m undateable.

It’s not just about marriages either, is it? LTRs can be as serious as marriages.

Me and my partner have both had tonnes of LTRs in our lives. I think we’re both nice people - just a bit unlucky in love.....

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 17/04/2021 15:53

I’m an ex wife (number 2) His first wife was emotionally unstable and and alcoholic...he now tells the same story about me. He’s ok wife #3 but she’s the one with all the talent (he gave up his career to run off with her - leaving her homeless) and he works in her salon now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/04/2021 15:56

I’ve got two ex husbands. I don’t think I’m undateable.

Do they both dislike you? Because that's the issue, not the relationships. How a man talks about women in his life is extremely important.

DH actually has a 'crazy' ex. Her sister told me really disturbing stuff. But DH speaks about her kindly, "she's doing really well now, I'm happy for her" comments. Even though her MH issues meant she treated him poorly.

Listen to men. If they talk about their female relations, exes, friends and coworkers with respect and kindness, they're probably keepers. If they talk about bitter, crazy bitches, you will be called that in a few years.

devastating · 17/04/2021 20:12

I am my exh’s second ex wife. We are not on speaking terms but I am not sure what the state of play is with his first ex. While we were married he used to refer to her as a bitch Hmm, but during and after our divorce he was doing work on her house (I later found out)...

I divorced him for being short-tempered, regularly giving me the silent treatment that would go on for weeks, and not including me in any large financial decisions. Not sure why they got divorced.

My ex can be lovely but also really horrible as well as very self-absorbed. Whether his two broken marriages are proof of this I don’t know.

While we were splitting up and still living together he got together with someone - she seems to not be on the scene now though so I don’t know what happened there...

devastating · 17/04/2021 20:15

Oh yes and I don’t know how he speaks about me now (but I give no fucks Smile), but judging by how he at times spoke (shouted) to me during the divorce (thick cow / bitch / references to the size of my arse etc - in front of one of my daughters), probably not well.

Beans13 · 17/04/2021 20:22

Dont touch him with a barge pole.

Run!

Two failed marriages is a huge red flag.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/04/2021 20:30

@Lovelydiscusfish

I’ve got two ex husbands. I don’t think I’m undateable.

It’s not just about marriages either, is it? LTRs can be as serious as marriages.

Me and my partner have both had tonnes of LTRs in our lives. I think we’re both nice people - just a bit unlucky in love.....

For me, a LT
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/04/2021 20:34

@Lovelydiscusfish

I’ve got two ex husbands. I don’t think I’m undateable.

It’s not just about marriages either, is it? LTRs can be as serious as marriages.

Me and my partner have both had tonnes of LTRs in our lives. I think we’re both nice people - just a bit unlucky in love.....

For me, a LTR and marriage are very different l it’s the vows and the breaking of them twice that would put me off. No lifetime promises are made in LTRs.

The lack of contact with children would have put me off though as well.

Sandra15 · 17/04/2021 20:50

My friend was widowed in November and it's caused all kinds of emotions to come to the surface. She was the fourth wife, but she thinks he had only been married once before. There were two wives prior to that one (he was 15 years older). He had nothing to do with the children from his third marriage. He gaslighted my friend about money and died having gambled away over £100,000 that she didn't even know existed (and vanished) until she started sorting out his affairs.

He never mentioned the children, and she now says she made a hell of a mistake getting married to him.

Learningtofeminist · 17/04/2021 21:03

To paraphrase:

“To lose one wife may be regarded as a misfortune; losing two looks like carelessness.”

osbertthesyrianhamster · 17/04/2021 21:06

Run. No, just cut this off now.

Ruminating2020 · 17/04/2021 21:30

@MrsTerryPratchett

I’ve got two ex husbands. I don’t think I’m undateable.

Do they both dislike you? Because that's the issue, not the relationships. How a man talks about women in his life is extremely important.

DH actually has a 'crazy' ex. Her sister told me really disturbing stuff. But DH speaks about her kindly, "she's doing really well now, I'm happy for her" comments. Even though her MH issues meant she treated him poorly.

Listen to men. If they talk about their female relations, exes, friends and coworkers with respect and kindness, they're probably keepers. If they talk about bitter, crazy bitches, you will be called that in a few years.

I agree with the last paragraph of this post. It is a huge red flag if he is talking about 2 ex wives, the mothers of his children in a negative way. They can't both be wrong about him.
Piptastic · 17/04/2021 22:06

I'd want to know the real reasons they divorced (both times) BUT....

I have a male friend who has been divorced twice; 1st wife cheated on him after 14 years of marriage, broke his heart and the hearts of their two DCs. Second marriage ended after only a year when wife number 2 wanted to act like she was single and was really quite disrespectful to my friend. I feel for him as he is a lovely lovely man. So, I wouldn't write him off just because he has been divorced twice.

PicsInRed · 17/04/2021 22:14

He sounds like the "it's everyone else's fault" guy, and that guy is fucking tedious to live and parent with.

He's basically straight up told you that you'll be bitter ex #3. Why would you do that to yourself?

toomanyplants · 17/04/2021 22:43

Like @Lovelydiscusfish I too have 2 ex husbands, and had a child with each of them.
Number 1 was horrid, and we have no contact.
Number 2 we just drifted apart, pressures of life and work made us unhappy, we're good friends.

Sometimes things don't work out how you expected, certainly doesn't make me a red flag.
People very quick to judge!

Brakken · 17/04/2021 22:47

@Ilovetheseventies

My ex DP doesn't see his children who are adults now. Why? Because his ex wife has poisoned them against him. Quite common. Imagine if you cannot see Yr children who are now adults and people you meet pass judgement on you without knowing the full story.
@Ilovetheseventies sorry but you have no right to judge his ex or his kids when you have no idea of the truth. Someone can poison the mind of kids but not adults. You were not there during their upbringing and you've only seen the side of your exDP that he has chosen to show you. Plus he will only be feeding you his side of the story. His own kids will know him much better than you do.

I myself am the equivalent of such a child. My dad was emotionally abusive and manipulative to us kids throughout our childhood. We were physically provided for and from the outside appeared to be a model family (he was excellent at outward appearances).My dad resented my mother challenging his selfish ways and his abusive behaviours to her and us, and she ultimately divorced him. Unsurprisingly, we still have a difficult relationship, and we naturally side with our mother as a result of my dad's behaviour to her/us.

He's now re-married and has clearly fed his new wife lies and half truths. She doesn't see this side of him because they have no joint children together so no pressures of family life nor young children with her he has to parent that will bring out his true colours. He's also on better behaviour now since he wants to ensure this woman sticks with him so he has someone to look after him when he gets old.

ZappedOut · 18/04/2021 06:22

Not necessarily a red flag until you know the circumstances but for me I'd be wary and he has kids..with both. I don't do other people's kids so I'd not pursue it further. But many people can accept that and live happily. My concern would also be down the track you're the third ex wife with kids that he's telling another unsuspecting girl doesn't get on with him.

PennineWayinSlingbacks · 18/04/2021 08:22

I'm DH's 4th wife and he left all three marriages but had no children, which has made things less complicated.

He doesn't speak badly of his ex wives. He recognises that he was immature, very selfish and unable to put work in so that when the romance started to fade, he believed the marriages to be broken down irretrievably. He would move on quickly to try to recapture the sparkle.

It's also become apparent that he has had severe previously untreated depressive episodes throughout his life and I suspect these and his failed marriages have been very much interlinked.

We've had our moments but we've been together for 20 years with a teenage DS and life is good. His family are astonished but delighted. Had he had children when we met, I doubt I would have become involved but he's an excellent father.

ShinyGreenElephant · 18/04/2021 08:28

2 ex wives - fine.
Both hate him and he doesnt see the kids - he's definitely the problem and I would run a mile.

Stout01 · 18/04/2021 09:06

OP I think it partly depends on whether you see children in the future. If so this bloke isn't a good bet.

But if not then there's no harm on going for a drink. His ex wives don't like him. I wouldn't read too much jnto it, you'll be able to work it out pretty quickly if he's a selfish arse etc but is it really any different to a woman that has kids by different Fathers that talks about how unlucky they are with blokes. It does raise a question mark but it shouldn't stop someone trying to build a new relationship / life.

Fallyi · 18/04/2021 09:30

That's the best red flag there is. You're not being unfair.

I struggle to understand having limited access to both sets of children. I'm not sure there's a reasonable explanation for that.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.