It been the very worst of times...

[TimeWillHeal]

...and yesterday he left. I’m not heartbroken as such, he was tremendously cruel and has behaved so very badly. He’s left me for a woman 30 years his junior. She’ll go to all the swingers parties and have no sexual boundaries at all. She’ll drink with him, do coke with him, lick door handles when they’re out (obvs not, or at least I hope ;) because she doesn’t give a damn about covid. He’s blown vast amounts of money, endlessly has other ‘arrangements’ on the go, and is so deceitful. I know it’s not him I mourn, but the hope I once had. It was all a massive lie, but I didn’t used to know that. Though I understand now that I was love-bombed. So why, even though I know all this, did I wake every hour last night and feel so wretched this morning. I have no job, and I’m going to lose my beautiful home. I feel so so sad. I think I’m looking for a hand hold, I was reading so many threads on here through the night, I know my story is nothing new. I put up with so much shit. But I feel old and done. Like I’ll never feel happiness again.

Im so sorry, I remember the wretched feeling well. Being unable to sleep and things always seem worse at night. I remember mourning my DH and thinking where did he go? The man I thought I knew had morphed into someone else. So cold and uncaring overnight.

You are grieving and should treat it as such. Look after and care for yourself. The man you thought you knew isnt who you thought he was and you are grieving for that loss, that future.

As to him, you can rest assured it will not last with the OW. In time I guarantee you will be happy (and he will not be).

Be kind to yourself. It takes time. Confide in good friends. Try and embrace your new freedom (scary i know) to do things for YOU. Can you find a job quickly. Will you definitely need to sell house? I got some life coaching which helped me so much. Use this forum for support.

Hugs OP.

Like I’ll never feel happiness again.

The reverse is actually true. You never would have been happy staying in that relationship. Now you have the opportunity to find happiness, and to do things for yourself to make you happy.

That doesn’t mean you wouldn’t be in shock and distressed to begin with - even when it has been had, this is completely normal. Obviously there will be upheaval for you and it will be tough. But then you can think about what you really want, and who you want to be. You will look back on this one day as the first day of your life starting over.

Hang in there. Lean on friends and take good care of yourself!

If it's any consolation, the chance of that relationship lasting more than five minutes is very slim.

Time to get practical. Were you married? Have you looked on the entitled to calculator to see what you can claim? Do you have children together?

So sorry you have been subjected to this. Nothing really to add to the above sensible post only to agree that you are having an understandable grief and trauma reaction and to do lots of self care and get support where you can find it.

So sorry OP. It's a hard road. But what you will eventually gain is peace of mind, self respect and the opportunity to live the life you want - not as a bit part in his selfish rampage through life.

Ah, thank you so much. I’m going to screenshot this and refer to it all day! Not married. No children. Together 9 years. I’ll definitely have to sell my house. I’m glad it’s mine at least! Lost my job 2 years ago, decided to take a year out and then covid came... He’s a high-earner, and just before he left we embarked on various home improvements and stuff that he wanted. Halfway through works that he won’t be paying for now. He’s left me in a precarious position, but he knows that. He went off yesterday shouting how much he loved me from the garden. And then last night at 6 I answered the knock on the door, he was cross-eyed drunk, and just said “it’s over”. He then pissed in the flower bed as I shut and locked the door on him, and that was that.

What you're feeling now is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change. Things will be OK.

The job market is starting up again now OP. You can find a job and you might meet some lovely new colleagues who become lifelong friends.

You will somehow find a way to finish the house works- it might take longer or not be as swish but it will get there eventually. Or you might decide to sell and buy another lovely home.

You never have to speak to him again. He doesn't need to keep coming back to pick kids up, you don't need to divorce him. You can pack his stuff up in a few hours, leave it outside for him to collect and let the 30 year younger woman deal with him. In another 20 years she might be wiping his arse for him whilst you can now live YOUR best life without a care in the world...

Can you ask for a mortgage holiday whilst you get yourself sorted with a job?

I hope he returned his keys as you do not want him returning for any reason.

Take life a day at a time and stay busy if it helps.

Be kind to yourself. My situation was similar. I was boring as I wouldn't go out drinking til 5 in the morning or get off my face. We have kids and I made them a priority. He left for a younger women who didn't have the responsibilities. I was crushed. I gave him my all.

Years have past now. And I know I am better for him not being here. He emotionally destroyed me. And is financially irresponsible.

It took time for me to be ok. You need to grieve for what you thought you had and your future.

I found being practical helped at the start. Gave me some control. I went through the house and gathered his stuff up in one place. Had a good clean and rearranged things. New bedding and flowers helped make the place feel different.

I went through the bills and stopped paying anything that was his. Single person reduction in council tax. And claimed benefits. I cried in the job centre that day. Although am very grateful for the safety net.

Gather good support around you. Speak to your GP if you feel it will help. I couldn't sleep and was bearly functioning. So antidepressants helped. I also had some counselling. This gave me a safe place to get my thoughts out.

Try not to reach out to him. I know how hard that is. My rule was to write messages or emails and draft them for 24 hours before they got sent. He isn't the person you use to know.

In time this will pass. But there is no quick fix.

My ex is still with the women he left me for. I'm meh about it now. I hope it works out for them. I know he is a difficult and manipulative man and know he well be behaving the way he always has. And I'm grateful it's not me putting up with it. She deserves better. But then I would think that so don't give it any head space.

Definitely don't hang your happy hat on the hook of karma or her dumping him. Its irrelevant and utterly out of your control. Focus on what you can do. Number one is steeling yourself to stay strong should he come crawling back. You'll find a way to make the practicals work and be a million times happier in a place that's all your own and in your own means. It might be smaller, shabbier even, but it won't matter. Hang in there.. He sounds like a complete twat, pissing in a flower bed.

Thanks again, all. Such wise words. They help so much. I’ve lost nothing good, I know exactly what he is, though this cycle of behaviour is really damaging. It’s like he’s having some kind of breakdown, but it’s not my problem, I can’t influence it. Confess when he was pissing in the flowerbed I did think he was a complete twat. It’s just fear that I’m feeling, I know that there’s going to be a lot of change and I’m overwhelmed. I’ve compromised a lot to avoid this day. And it came anyway. If there’s a woman reading this, like I was reading all these threads last night, then please, please take heed. I have wasted years. Don’t do the same as me. You’re just putting off the fateful day.

Sorry to hear this. Try and put all of your focus into looking for a job, so you don’t lose your house and take each day as it comes.

I check out other ways of keeping your house ? Could you take in a lodger or do air bnb? It depends on the condition of course - i see you are doing work on it.

Your life is going to improve immeasurably. You're clearly smart and insightful as you know you're grieving the relationship you'd hoped for, not the reality of what it became.
Now's the time to get legal advice and gather all the support you can. You'll come out of this so much happier. He's a wanker.

He's a sad old wanker. Change the locks cause he will be back knocking when his jail bait gets bored with him or find someone better to rinse. Get the place sold and by the time that's sorted hopefully the covid restrictions will have lifted a bit and you can bugger off for a holiday somewhere warm with lots of handsome waiters.

Contrary to your happiness ending, you'll probably find that the best years of your life are ahead of you. Once the initial shit is dealt with at least.

Ha!! I like the sound of handsome waiters! Something pretty for the eye to settle on at least. But I think I’ll give all a very wide berth for a long long (forever!) time. I’m packing up essentials for him now, car due later to collect. No idea where he is. Don’t want to know either.

Awww just read this op. How did it go when he called? I would have put everything in black bags at the front door! How did you find out about the OW?

The first lot of stuff was collected by a taxi. I’ve spent the whole weekend packing up his stuff. My house is a mass of boxes. I’m hoping to hear today when the van is coming. He won’t come back here, I hope never to see him again. On THIS occasion I found a receipt for viagara (he always uses with the floozies).

Try to use some imagery in your minds eye.

Imagine a washing machine on full spin. All your emotions, issues, worries, hurt, pain, sadness spinning around likes items of clothing at 1600 rpm.

You can’t see anything one thing clearly, it’s all a blur.

Make and take a decision to press stop.

Like an item of clothing, take one issue out at a time and deal with it, as you would take an item of clothing out of the machine and fold it, then put it away.

Explain to your lender, some of your problems, ask for a mortgage holiday.

Ask some of your creditors if you can pay the bare minimum.

Ask family and friends if they can give you some financial help till you are back on your feet. ( You’ll be surprised by people’s kindness).

Deal with the financial things first as best you can. ( Yes, it will take all your remaining energy but at least it will give you some breathing space).

Start scanning for jobs, it’s tough out there for the moment, but people willing to work will find work.

Lean on family and friend. Talk about it to the closest people to you

[ You have already boxed his stuff up which is cathartic ]

Don’t look too far ahead. Deal with issues as you can, day by day. Get up each morning, write down a plan for the day, attack each item.

When your head starts spinning, take a long walk, somewhere green, by some water, a stream, a river, the sea, it will calm you.

Read more of the threads on here. There really are people on here who are in a worse position than you and mostly, the advice given is brilliant.

At the end of each day, as you’ve ticked off all the actions you have succeeded doing, run a hot, soapy bath with a glass of wine. Soak in it till you are shrivelled. Congratulate yourself that despite your heartbreak, you’ve done positive things. You’ve achieved something.

Try not to think of the good times with him or the bad. Detach yourself from him mentally and emotionally, like switching the power off on the imaginary washing machine.

Don’t wake up and think it’s the end of the world, yes it seems like it, of course, but rationalise it, it really isn’t the end of the world.

Focus on you, and just you. What he’s done and with whom really doesn’t matter in the great scheme of things.

Take baby steps each day to get practical things done.

Things will seem a little better by this time next week and much better in a months time and in a year you’ll look back and actually thank him for giving you the chance to eventually move on and live your best life.

It will come.

I so needed these words this morning. I was filled with righteous anger yesterday when packing, but this morning I feel small and weak. THANK YOU 💚💚💚 @Fabiofatshaft1

I would be so tempted whilst the boxes were in my house to kick each one as I walk past them. 😬

I would give him 24 hours notice and stack them outside

Are the locks changed?

Change is scary because you haven't seen this version of yourself before.
This is a new chapter for you, you will have opportunities you wouldn't have had if you had been stuck with him. You will start feeling better about things in time, it's still so raw. Nothing in life is ever a waste, " you either win, or you learn " as they say. This new version of you will be a lot more knowledgable now, trust in yourself, take very small steps and don't think too far ahead.Remember alot of women are still trapped in miserable relationships and would envy you your new found freedom.

You either win or you learn. I like that :)

So he cheats,chases much younger women,wants you to be involved in swinging,drinks to excess and does drugs.

Definitely nothing to miss there.

In 6 months time @TimeWillHeal you'll look back at this thread and realise how far you've come without this "man" (not much of a man is he now?) in your life.