Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Vasectomy off the table

47 replies

HeadFullofRandom · 17/04/2021 03:28

Hi, just a random musing about this and wondered if anyone can help me understand why when a couple have decided they don't want any more children some men decide not to have vasectomies but leave it to their wives and partners to have the riskier sterilisation procedure?

I know someone in this position but I'm getting don't ask about it vibes so have left it alone in RL but it's left me wondering because I've known other couples who have gone this way or continued using conventional contraception methods. I've never felt able to ask why.

OP posts:
Creepygnochi · 17/04/2021 03:33

Because if the relationship breaks down an infertile man greatly reduces his dating pool.

picknmix1984 · 17/04/2021 03:48

I think many men are pressurised into having vasectomies. As a nurse I witnessed too many reversals. Many were not reversible and that led to relationship issues. Life happens, couples split.

Calmyertits · 17/04/2021 03:55

Myself and dp don't want anymore children, due to our ages i know hes more likely to get accepted for a vasectomy than i am sterilisation. Ive made it clear im not willing to take any form of contraception, so its condoms. He has looked into a vasectomy but dd is 18months old and hes not enquired with gp yet. I won't push him into it or give him an ultimatum. I wouldnt expect him to tell me i have to be sterilised or take contraception so i dont see why it's okay for me to do that to him.

fallfallfall · 17/04/2021 04:24

i think it's the fear of pain and the loss of masculinity.

starrynight21 · 17/04/2021 04:31

@fallfallfall

i think it's the fear of pain and the loss of masculinity.
^^ This.

My DH wouldn't even agree to getting our male dog desexed because of those aspects ! And he certainly wouldn't entertain a vasectomy for himself . I ended up getting a tubal ligation , since I definitely didn't want further children, no matter what happened to our marriage.

A lot of men just like the idea of being fertile all their lives .

supersonicginandtonic · 17/04/2021 04:36

I'm 5 years older than my partner, I've already got older children too.
I know I don't want anymore, I want to be at Sterilised,
DP is too young and if anything happened to me or we separated he may meet somebody else and want more children.

EggscellentEggplant · 17/04/2021 05:06

We have 1 baby and want another in a year or so. The plan for us has always been for DH to have vasectomy after the second. I don't see why he'd want more kids even if we divorced, he's only ever wanted 2. He says I've had to deal with contraception long enough, plus gone through pregnancy and birth and so then it will be his turn! If he changed his mind thats up to him but we've already decided I'm not going back on the pill due to side effects.

EggscellentEggplant · 17/04/2021 05:10

Just to add I don't know if this seems harsh but I'd think him a massive wimp if he didn't go through with it. I'd certainly tell him that i think its rather pathetic that he's happy for a woman to go through 9 months, birth and recovery but that he was too scared to do this (if fear was what was stopping him rather than a legitimate reason)

MixedUpFiles · 17/04/2021 05:12

I honestly can’t fathom why women agree to continue the burden of contraception when men have such a simple comparatively low-risk option. No, it’s not risk free, but neither are any of the birth control methods women use for many years of their lives.

THNG5 · 17/04/2021 05:14

Men and their penis! My husband wouldn't do it so I had my tubes cut during my c section of my 3rd. And then I got pregnant with our 4th. There is a failure rate! Well, funnily enough, now he's scared it might happen again so he's booked in for the snip in a couple of weeks even though my tubes were cut again when I gave birth to the 4th.
In his case, I think he didn't like the thought of a doctor seeing his bits and being handled. Men are weird.

DisgruntledPelican · 17/04/2021 05:15

Surely no one needs to justify whether they want to undergo a medical procedure or not? It might be simple compared to female sterilisation but it’s still a big deal.

Different situation if they’re refusing to use condoms or pressuring their partner to take hormonal contraceptives. But I agree with @Calmyertits, if someone doesn’t want to undergo the procedure then that’s absolutely fine and justified. The couple should be able to discuss all options openly and completely, and state their reasons for preferring or disliking all possible contraception options.

Inthesameboatatmo · 17/04/2021 06:05

My husband refused a vasectomy so I had a sterilisation while having a csection with my son nearly 8 years ago , but weve separated now been nearly a year and I'm only 42 so am having some regrets about it now
But it is what it is unfortunately

Onlinedilema · 17/04/2021 06:14

I have no idea.
If I was in that situation is be using a dildo and he'll by dh to sort himself out.
Selfishness I guess.
Same reason everyone is up in arms over the minute (unproven) chance of getting a blood clot through having the Astezenica vaccine, jet seem to dismiss how lethal the female contraceptive pill is.

KatherineOfGaunt · 17/04/2021 07:26

My DH probably wouldn't have a vasectomy due to being too scared (he hates any kind of medical procedure) but due to age (50s) probably wouldn't want any more kids either. So I've told him that if he doesn't want anymore he'll have to use condoms. He's not a massive fan but he does use them because I'm younger and wouldn't mind another child if it happened, so the onus is on him to do the contraception.

It does bug me, though. After everything I went through to have children and he can't have one small, minor procedure.

JustAnotherOldMan · 17/04/2021 07:43

As the risk of sounding mercenary, some men refuse for self protection reasons, just because you are in relationship today, I’t doesn’t mean you’ll be in the same one in 5 years time.
There are a couple of threads on this forum from childless women in their mid to late 30’s who are looking to start a family, so someone who had the snip might be the perfect person for them but obviously not able to start a 2nd family. ( as some women do as well)

But for the specific question of contraceptives, if the man doesn’t want the snip it’s no sex or condoms - that seems fine to me.

Nesbo · 17/04/2021 07:43

I had one after our second child. Obviously wasn’t a procedure I looked forward to and it was uncomfortable for a while afterwards but it seemed the least I could do.

That was about 6 years ago now and not having to think about contraception has been great for both of us. It certainly didn’t make me feel “less of a man” or anything ridiculous like that.

Most of my friends seem reluctant to have it done though and being squeamish about it does seem to be a big reason unfortunately.

DinosaurDiana · 17/04/2021 07:48

My DH didn’t want any more children, I did.
It got to a point where using condoms affected his performance and I wasn’t prepared to use anything hormonal.
So I said it was a vasectomy or possibly more babies. He went with the snip.

user1493413286 · 17/04/2021 07:54

We don’t want any more but DH won’t have a vasectomy as he’s not ready to completely close the door on more children. I know that if we were to split up then in a new relationship I still wouldn’t want more but I know a lot of men who had vasectomies and then went on to have new relationships where they did want more children so I wouldn’t push DH to do something he’s not sure about.
I wouldn’t push DH to do anything with his body that he wasn’t comfortable with and he’s the same with me, if I didn’t want to use hormone contraceptives then we’d use condoms.

Pyewackect · 17/04/2021 07:55

I was sterilised at 28. Minor keyhole procedure and I was in and out in a few hours. You don’t even have to have a general anaesthetic.

scaevola · 17/04/2021 07:57

Because if you read the NHS (and other sites are way more pessimistic), there is a 10% chance of the serious, enduring complications (those which last 3 months or more, or required further surgery to treat, or which simply cannot be treated even by de-nervatiin)

If someone doesn't want to take a 10% risk, that is entirely up to them.

Compare this to other risk levels being discussed in the news?

Sunflowergirl1 · 17/04/2021 16:58

Following in from @scaevola . My DH has a friend and also a colleague who both had a vasectomy and had awful complications. As a result he refused to have one and frankly I respect his decision as I don't think I would want a voluntary procedure that could cause such issues....both of them were in hospital and had weeks off work.

I suppose I'm lucky in that I use a Mirena IUD and it really works for me. I love not having any periods. If I didn't tolerate it or the pill I'm not sure what we would do..prob condoms I guess although we always hated them when we started dating and didn't use very long!

Original poster
HeadFullofRandom · 17/04/2021 17:00

Thanks everyone, food for thought.

OP posts:
FATEdestiny · 17/04/2021 17:07

Surely no-one should be pressured into a medical procedure tgey do not want?

DH and I have 4 children, I'm 44 he is 49. We absolutely do not want any mire children. That said, I do not want to mess around with my body and be sterilized. I'd hate it if he pressured me to do that similarly, he doesn't want to mess about with his body. So I would not ever consider pressuring him into it.

What a horrible situation to be in, where you think it's ok to say because of my biology (I had a baby) you must therefore do this thing to yours.

His body, his choice. My body, my choice. Our relationship, so we find a family planning option we are both happy to compromise on.

startrek90 · 17/04/2021 17:41

In our case its because Dr's will not let me be sterilised. I am happy to have the procedure as my 3rd birth has caused permanent damage that means future pregnancies will be risky and a normal delivery could be lethal. Unfortunately this is deemed not enough of a reason for a woman to have sterilisation. I struggle terribly on hormonal contraception and a coil is not recommended for me due to other gynea issues.

My husband bless him is willing to go through the procedure instead, as he views it he will always have 3 children to provide for regardless of what happens between us.

For now it's condoms until he has surgery. We just hoe we don't get pregnant in the mean time as for religious reasons an abortion is put of the question. (no judgment for those women who choose to, its just not my choice)

Maggiesfarm · 17/04/2021 17:47

@Pyewackect

I was sterilised at 28. Minor keyhole procedure and I was in and out in a few hours. You don’t even have to have a general anaesthetic.
I was too, not as young as you. It really wasn't traumatic.

My husband would have had a vasectomy but I wanted to be 'in charge', it was very important to me not to have a third child and I haven't regretted it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread