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Original poster

Vasectomy off the table

47 replies

HeadFullofRandom · 17/04/2021 03:28

Hi, just a random musing about this and wondered if anyone can help me understand why when a couple have decided they don't want any more children some men decide not to have vasectomies but leave it to their wives and partners to have the riskier sterilisation procedure?

I know someone in this position but I'm getting don't ask about it vibes so have left it alone in RL but it's left me wondering because I've known other couples who have gone this way or continued using conventional contraception methods. I've never felt able to ask why.

OP posts:

spicysechuan · 18/04/2021 19:28

I was also sterilized. I didn't want to give up control, and I definitely did not want any more babies.

DH could have had a vasectomy if he wanted, but I think I still would have gone through with my sterilization, because I didn't want to ever have to think about preventing a pregnancy again.

Maggiesfarm · 18/04/2021 19:37

Every time I see this thread title I imagine the vasectomy as a kitchen table procedure and the man falling off it.
.......
startrek, I am appalled that you are told your severe medical problems are not sufficient reason to be sterilised. That sounds archaic. Are you in the UK?
Thank goodness your husband is stepping up.
.......
I had a friend whose husband had a vasectomy and she was sterilised. Wearing a belt and braces springs to mind.

blowinahoolie · 18/04/2021 20:38

After having a DC in NICU, we both knew we didn't want any more. Even if we split, DH was into his 40s by this point, and said he definitely wouldn't want children with a future partner if I died/split up. He has a myriad of health issues so no chance anyone would change his mind!

mindutopia · 18/04/2021 20:49

We haven’t been in this situation, as though I’m done having children, I’m quite happy on the pill. But if we were to opt for something surgical, my preference would be for sterilisation (for me). Because the person who would be most affected by me getting pregnant is me and if Dh and split up (we have been very happily married for a long time), I still wouldn’t want to have a baby with anyone else.

It has to be a joint decision to a degree, but me choosing to have no more children is still mostly about me.

blowinahoolie · 18/04/2021 20:52

DH had a vasectomy six months after DC4 was born very prematurely. Nothing like being scared shitless to make you want to visit the GP for the referral 😬

frozendaisy · 19/04/2021 14:15

Mine skipped in after our second because "he didn't want anymore children with anybody ever"

Neither did I!

ButterflyBitch · 19/04/2021 14:18

Because my husbands a wuss. I will always think slightly less of him for not stepping up. I had two godawful pregnancies and was and still am adamant I don’t want to be pregnant again. So I got sterilised. Like I say I will always think slightly less of him for it.

FishyFriday · 19/04/2021 15:06

My husband looked into it, but was alarmed by the possible complications.

Tbh, I'd rather just use a mirena coil and be in control of my own fertility. But I get on with it, and have no periods. So I'd choose to have one whatever my husband did with his bits.

IloveJudgeJudy · 19/04/2021 15:40

DH had one while I was 7 months pregnant with our third DC. He and our GP had discussed without my knowledge my being sterilised while I had my third, planned caesarean. I said no as it's a much bigger procedure for a woman.

I asked him was he sure and what if we split up but he said 3 DC was enough. Tbh it made him go even higher in my esteem and love him more (if that's possible). He did have a few problems afterwards, actually but has not regretted it.

I really don't understand why more men won't have them. It's like they're not committed enough to the relationship.

GlutenFreeGingerCake · 19/04/2021 15:48

Maybe the man is only agreeing not to have more children because his partner doesn't want more but he doesn't really feel fully on board with it and isn't willing to go for something so final as a vasectomy.

YoniAndGuy · 19/04/2021 17:15

There's actually a fairly high chance of ending up with long-term pain issues from a vasectomy. Around 10%. That's quite high when you think about it.

I didn't want DH to get it done, neither did he, but I was completely on the same page. If it were me, I wouldn't take a 10% risk of ending up with chronic pain.

Yes, you never hear about it. For the same reason that men never go to the docs -they don't talk about it.

There used to be a male poster who ended up with PVS (post vasectomy pain) and used to post a fair bit about it. Sounds horrific. Ruined sex life.

It's definitely not just the 'obvious' choice for lots of couples.

FishyFriday · 19/04/2021 17:39

@YoniAndGuy that's what put my husband off. I wouldn't sign up for a 10% chance of chronic pain either.

It's an operation. It's not entirely reasonable to complain if anyone if not willing to have their body operated on. I wouldn't have my tubes tied either. I feel the benefits of a mirena coil for me outweigh any issues, so I choose to do that. But it is my decision.

user1471538283 · 19/04/2021 18:08

I dont think it's to do with the procedure. I think it's because they will feel less manly?

My DF had a vasectomy when I was an adult and he was finished by lunchtime. We picked him up and went for lunch!

CatherinedeBourgh · 19/04/2021 18:17

Dh offered, but I have a copper coil which is no hassle whatsoever so I don’t see why he would do something permanent which if it goes wrong cannot be easily removed like the coil can. It’s the least hassle option and if I drop dead tomorrow and he meets someone much younger he might want more dc.

RJnomore1 · 19/04/2021 18:22

Genuinely think it’s because some men only tend to want what the woman they are currently (wanting to) shag in the children stakes. There’s an odd anomaly between the number of men who are reluctant fathers and the number of men who won’t have a relatively simple procedure to stop it happening.

And yes there can be complications but they’re quite happy to let their current female partner take much greater risks just to yknow keep their options open later on.

Pffft.

spicysechuan · 19/04/2021 19:13

@IloveJudgeJudy

I really don't understand why more men won't have them. It's like they're not committed enough to the relationship.

Why did you think that? I had mine done during a Caesarean section and it was absolutely fine. Added an extra two mins and then all done.

Glad your DH went though.

Unanananana · 19/04/2021 21:10

DP is looking into having one as our local health authority no longer fund female sterilisation so my request was refused at age 35. I need to come off the pill as I am getting fatter and more miserable by the day. The implant made me bleed for a straight four months and I have heard so many horror stories about coils that I would never try one. We have three pre-teen DC between us (none together) and don't want anymore.

DP isn't scared or worrying about his masculinity. Its a simple procedure and statistically very safe.

Pastryapronsucks · 21/04/2021 21:51

@Onlinedilema

I have no idea. If I was in that situation is be using a dildo and he'll by dh to sort himself out. Selfishness I guess. Same reason everyone is up in arms over the minute (unproven) chance of getting a blood clot through having the Astezenica vaccine, jet seem to dismiss how lethal the female contraceptive pill is.

This 100%

Firenight · 22/04/2021 16:28

My husband said that he would. That was 7 years ago. Like many things in life he's just not got around to it and it's not something I can fix for him. Much less sex as a result over the past years than may have been the alternative.

Alwaysandforeverhere · 22/04/2021 16:54

Hedging their bets on if the relationship fails it will be much easier to bag a new younger model if he can give her offspring.

Most men saying nah won’t of even looked into the 10% really but it sounds better to say what if it goes wrong than but what if I leave you!?

Thatisnotwhatisaid · 22/04/2021 17:26

My DH has had his vasectomy referral letter in a drawer since our DS was born, 9 months ago... I keep asking him to book the appointment but he keeps putting it off. He’s said he’s worried he’ll ‘lose his masculinity’ which honestly makes no sense to me at all. He’ll still be a man and it’s hardly castration. I’ve been through a lot over the years with miscarriages, traumatic births, c-sections etc all of which he has witnessed so I think this is the least he could do really.

manofgreengables · 24/04/2021 00:30

I got the snip 30 years ago at 32 when our second child was a year old...after years of coils, pills, pain and condoms it seemed only fair. Easy quick and I even rode my motorbike back from the hospital. Apart from one minor complication a few months later (a residual lump called a sperm granuloma which my GP mistakenly suspected might be testicular cancer but which disappeared by itself) all was fine.
I'm not reticent about my private life and I was really surprised by the reactions of some of our friends both male and female when we talked about it. The level of ignorance about the procedure, the idea that it represents a sort of emasculation/castration and sqeamishness was rather shocking. Plenty of "There's no way I/we could ever do that..UGH!"

Some of it was hilarious to us at the time... curious questions from my wife's friends like "Does he still... you know...cum actual stuff?" and "Is it true that just a little dribble of watery liquid comes out when he finishes? and "Have you noticed any growth of man boobs and loss of desire?" etc. We laughed a lot at them and were shagging like bunnies...free at last. I feel there is still a real failing in sex education when it comes to vasectomy as an option. It's the best IMHO.

We separated some years ago though we still get along well, but I can honestly say I don't believe that little op ever reduced my desirability in the dating stakes despite what others have said above...leastways factors like work, money, baldness, aging and general decrepitude are far far bigger factors . And NO girls, happily I'm no longer available!

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