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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Was I in the wrong??

40 replies

confused273 · 16/04/2021 23:10

I was speaking to a guy on hinge and we managed to go on one date. It was really nice and he admitted that he really liked me and was hoping it would go somewhere. With covid and him living quite far away, we didn’t really get to meet up much. In this time I met someone local through friends and things were becoming quite serious.
I thought it would be the decent thing to do to tell this other guy. So I texted him saying that I am seeing someone else and I was really sorry - he said it was okay.
I texted him a few days later as I came out with it quite suddenly and thought he might feel a bit rubbish, so I reassured him that it wasn’t anything he did wrong and that I really enjoyed talking to him and I think he’s great. Because I thought this was better than being ghosted, right?

He responds to this with “what are you trying to achieve here” and “lol you’re overestimating how shit I felt about it”. I explained that I was simply just trying to be nice and explain rather than just end things without any explanation. He goes onto say “you’re acting like it was a break up, weird”, that I think I’m a hero and that I wasn’t nice at all, and that “you’re implying I gave a shit”. He then goes on to say it wasn’t that deep, I’m a psycho and that my head is gone, and “when was the last time your head was checked out?”

This has made me feel like I’ve done something really wrong, okay maybe I was overly nice and overestimated how upset it might have made him, but surely it’s better for me to be too nice than not explain at all? Can anyone see it from his point of view??

OP posts:
Koalaqufications · 16/04/2021 23:14

I think you did the right thing letting him know, but the second text was slightly unnecessary. It was over, no need to pretend to be friends and check back in again.

However he also sounds like a massive twat.

Faerysmoke · 16/04/2021 23:16

You explained. He said it was ok. I'm not sure why the follow up message was needed? If I was him I would also be a bit irritated by that, though his reaction seems OTT as well. It sounds like your heart was in the right place though so no need to dwell on it. Sounds like you've found someone nice. Time to move on.

JayAlfredPrufrock · 16/04/2021 23:17

Your second text was totally unnecessary. You weren’t ghosting him.

Wtfdoipick · 16/04/2021 23:18

2nd text was ott, it does sound like you think he should have been pinning after you.

MarshmallowAra · 16/04/2021 23:18

He went really ott; if he gets that offensive (abusive really) in response to someone purely explaining their reasons for not seeing him further, I can only imagine how extreme & abusive he gets in arguments in a relationship.

Good thing you picked the other potential and not him.

confused273 · 16/04/2021 23:19

It’s just that I sent quite a blunt, to the point text explaining I was seeing someone else. The second text I felt like I needed to explain it wasn’t anything he did wrong as we were talking for a while and I felt like I owed him an explanation/wanted him to know it wasn’t anything he did

OP posts:
Wtfdoipick · 16/04/2021 23:21

But you had already explained, it may have been blunt but contacting him again was unnecessary and potentially cruel.

BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 23:22

He didn't care.

MarshmallowAra · 16/04/2021 23:22

*politely not purely

Koalaifications · 16/04/2021 23:22

The explanation should have gone in the first text.

Don't beat yourself up over it. He's shown his true colours big style by his response.

MarshmallowAra · 16/04/2021 23:23

You were just trying to be polite and kind ... Bit ott but his behaviour was shit, a bit abusive almost.

Suzi888 · 16/04/2021 23:24

No need for second text whatsoever. You could’ve said that in the first text, comes off like your initiating contact again.
But he could’ve just blocked you, his reaction was a tad extreme.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2021 23:24

He's a prick but you sending that second text was just weird and totally unnecessary.

confused273 · 16/04/2021 23:25

I understand it might have been weird receiving a second text. It was just I’ve been told similar very bluntly by someone; and it felt rubbish because I felt I did something wrong. Because of this I just wanted him to know it wasn’t his fault (and I added I wasn’t expecting any response - just wanted him to know he’s a great person and he didn’t do anything wrong).

OP posts:
Bumberlee · 16/04/2021 23:25

It's hard to say without knowing what you actually said in the text to justify needing a second one.. i would have just left it out at the first text and blocked...anyway his response shows his true colours so dodged a bullet. Even if you were over the top he sounds like an arsehole. I read you should break up with someone once because that shows how they really are. Yes it wasnt a break up per say but still the sentiment stands.

Faerysmoke · 16/04/2021 23:26

@confused273

It’s just that I sent quite a blunt, to the point text explaining I was seeing someone else. The second text I felt like I needed to explain it wasn’t anything he did wrong as we were talking for a while and I felt like I owed him an explanation/wanted him to know it wasn’t anything he did
Totally unnecessary though OP. This is how dating works. It's perfectly acceptable for "Sorry, I've started seeing someone else" to be the explanation after one or two dates. Why did you assume that he'd think it was something to do with him?
SnarkyBag · 16/04/2021 23:26

Yeah you should have left it alone. His reaction was a bit OTT but I can see why it rubbed him the wrong way.

gracefull · 16/04/2021 23:26

Second text wasn’t necessary - that’s it. If somebody follow up texted me in this situation it would wind me up too. It implies that you think he is hurt and needs your reassurance... He finds it odd he didn’t think it was something he did. He probably assumed it was for all the reasons you listed (distance and lockdown, you moved on). So yes I can see his perspective but it isn’t really worth giving it any further thought. Your head isn’t gone. You’re not a psycho. You just decided he would take you moving on personally - which he found odd - potentially as it implied you thought your relationship with him was more serious than he did.

Windmillwhirl · 16/04/2021 23:27

Are you sure you didn't want an ego boost from him being upset?

Wtfdoipick · 16/04/2021 23:28

Look at it from his side you're saying he didn't do anything wrong it's just you preferred someone else, it's a bit of a put down. There is no good way to say that. Bruised egos will never thank you for it.

OppsUpsSide · 16/04/2021 23:28

It’s not you OP, it is him. You swerved a bullet there, just be thankful!

customwatkins · 16/04/2021 23:28

He sounds like a bit of a twat with a bruised ego.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Nonmaquillee · 16/04/2021 23:29

Good God, all sounds so complex. Why did you text him again?!

confused273 · 16/04/2021 23:29

Not at all - my first text was quite blunt and just basically said I’m sorry but I’m seeing someone else - he seemed pretty upset by it.
So the next day I felt bad and said I didn’t expect a reply, just want you to know it was nothing you did wrong and that you’re a wonderful person... that was it

OP posts:
RachelRavenRoth · 16/04/2021 23:30

He isn't a great person though, is he?!

Just block and move on.