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Original poster

Infertility - break up?

50 replies

PennySc · 16/04/2021 21:58

Hi mums. Please talk to me. I have never been lonelier. I love him. He loves me. Been together for 3 years. He wants a child, but we haven't managed to conceive. I have a wonderful child but I am 43 now, my partner is 42. So it's my fault. After "careful consideration" it seems that IVF is a waste of a money.

How do I leave? I can't stay. It hurts. He can still have a child with someone else. I can't leave. I am successful, independent woman. But I just can't leave. And I can't forgive him his pragmatism while discussing with the consultant MY chances ("a woman of 43") of getting pregnant. It's me you are talking about. I am here. Just talk to me! So am I not enough, am not good enough? Am I nothing if I don't get pregnant? Does he regret meeting me? Does he want me to leave but doesn't want to hurt me and my child? I am losing it 😭

OP posts:

I0NA · 16/04/2021 22:03

I’m sorry you are so upset. But can you explain a little more ?

Weedoogie · 16/04/2021 22:08

If i loved someone but she couldn't have children, I wouldn't even consider leaving her in order to find someone else to have my children. I would be horrified to learn that she was thinking of leaving me so that I could have children.

This requires you both to have a serious, very honest conversation - probably several conversations. Leaving someone you love, who loves you, would be impossible for many people.

Are you certain that your fertility is the issue? Not his? How old is your child and how does your partner feel about him/her.

Some people are more pragmatic and like to know all the facts, unemotional, before they can understand and solve a problem. Don't blame him for that - although talking about you as if you aren't there is not great

Original poster

PennySc · 16/04/2021 22:13

Oh god, sorry, I can't even explain properly. I guess I want him to say in plain words - I don't care if we don't have a child together, I want to be with you. Unconditionally. So far everything was based on that condition - if we have a child together, we buy a house together. If we have a child together my child will be adopted, if we have a child together we will marry. I don't believe in conditions. I give everything to those I love. And I don't want to invest in the relationship if he is going to turn one day and say look luv I met this girl, I didn't mean too, but... Does this even make sense x

OP posts:

doingthehoovering · 16/04/2021 22:16

I had the same situation but in reverse. I had no children and desperately wanted them, he had 2 and a vasectomy. I loved him so much l could not leave. I decided our love for each other was the most important thing. We went o to adopt 2 children. It's been tough but we're still together. I can feel your pain and can sympathize with what you're going through. No easy answers

Original poster

PennySc · 16/04/2021 22:19

It was so inappropriate when the consultant without even being asked suggested a donor egg. We want our child. He doesn't want to adopt. Thank you so much for your reply. I am just so scared

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2021 22:19

You need to talk to him. Only he knows how he’s feeling. You don’t seem sure about you’re feeling. It might help to work that out first.

3 years in is far too soon to be talking about adopting your child, irrespective of having another together.

When did you start ttc? Given your age you must both have known it might be a struggle.

Why would you only get married if you got pregnant? Your right, putting conditions on that is mad. You’re either both committed enough to get married or you’re not.

Why did you feel overlooked in his discussion with your consultant? Do you feel he doesn’t consider you in other things?

user1481840227 · 16/04/2021 22:20

You need to just find out how he feels OP.
If he really wants a child that doesn't mean you're not good enough or that he's the bad guy. You just need to find out where his head is at and at least then you'll know if the relationship has a future.

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2021 22:22

@PennySc

It was so inappropriate when the consultant without even being asked suggested a donor egg. We want our child. He doesn't want to adopt. Thank you so much for your reply. I am just so scared

It’s not inappropriate for the consultant to give you all the information about things that could increase your chances of conceiving. You and your partner are under no obligation to go down that route.

user1481840227 · 16/04/2021 22:23

Why would you only get married if you got pregnant? Your right, putting conditions on that is mad. You’re either both committed enough to get married or you’re not.

It sounds like it is important for him to have a child if those were the conditions he made. In that case the condition makes sense, even if it is heartbreaking for the OP, because it would make no sense to go forward with a marriage that he knew wouldn't last if he knew he was going to move on to try to have a child.

WildfirePonie · 16/04/2021 22:23

Do you want to live by his conditions OP?

PinkCookie11 · 16/04/2021 22:24

So you have already seen a fertility doc?
If you want your own child how is IVF a waste of money?
Do you actually want a child or is he putting pressure on it?
Sorry I’m just getting confused

Trixie78 · 16/04/2021 22:24

Have you both had investigations? We struggled for years to conceive, my mum struggled so I assumed it was me and I was late 30s/early 40s at the time. Turns out I was absolutely fine, the issue was my partner. You have a child, he doesn't? It's quite possibly him rather than you.

Original poster

PennySc · 16/04/2021 22:30

Thank you. Thank you so much. My child and my partner adore each other... But money is everything for my partner. The funny thing that I could pay for one cycle of IVF. But I don't feel it's right. I don't want to take away from my child just so I could keep a man in my life...

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2021 22:31

I don't want to take away from my child just so I could keep a man in my life...

Do you really want another child? I can’t work it out.

Original poster

PennySc · 16/04/2021 22:34

We have seen the fertility doctor, my partner is fine, I had a problem which was removed but went through many investigations and all is fine. The statistics is so poor. 10% of chances per cycle. And the specialists just talk the way that it's me, because I am over 43.

OP posts:

PinkCookie11 · 16/04/2021 22:34

I don’t think you want another child so walking away from him is the easier option is the vibe I’m getting.
Is that right? I’m confused

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2021 22:36

So he wants a child but doesn’t think ivf is worth it because the chances of it working aren’t high enough for him?

Original poster

PennySc · 16/04/2021 22:37

Yes, I do. Sorry, I am slow. I have never enjoyed my motherhood with my child. I was in an abusive relationship withy child's father, didn't have any help from him, worked full time etc, basically was a single mother from the beginning. So yes, I want to have a child with my partner.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/04/2021 22:39

I wouldn’t stay with a man for whom “money is everything” anyway. That’s no way to live.

You’re obviously very upset and I feel for you but it’s still not coming across clearly whether you both want a child. If he won’t pay for ivf, neither of you wants a donor egg and you won’t consider adoption then you probably won’t have a child together. You seem to think that means you’ll have to split up. But he doesn’t seem to be that desperate for a baby so why would he end it?

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2021 22:40

If you do really want another child, I’m not sure why paying for IVF would be such a dilemma when it seems like you could afford it without particular financial difficulty.

I’m finding this a bit tricky to unpick.

autumnalrain · 16/04/2021 22:43

I think it’s very easy for you to say that you don’t put conditions on love when you already have a child. He doesn’t. And obviously he’s trying to do everything in his power to have a child with the one he’s loves. Being optimistic is his way of trying to hold onto hope that he can have both (love and biological children).

But for some people being with someone isn’t enough to sacrifice having a child. You see many of those stories on this site. And tbh if I had to choose between a man and having children .. I would choose children.

Honeyroar · 16/04/2021 22:55

I totally understand why you’re upset. I couldn’t have children and remember those “its your age” type matter of fact conversations that broke my heart (not my husband that said it). And it’s one of the reasons that I didn’t even try IVF - I didn’t want to be told I was old and fat! I was smarting enough.

But I think you need to talk to him, tell him how you feel. It’s quite right to want him to say he chooses you, you’re more important than having a baby. Hope he does. It’s a horrible situation. My thoughts are with you.

PinkCookie11 · 16/04/2021 22:57

So if you both want a child, and your told IVF via whatever way they suggest is the best option then why not?!
Yes it’s expensive but if he’s really wanting a child then he’ll have to stop being so tight with money.

Honeyroar · 16/04/2021 22:58

Ps, on the flip side I can understand his angle. My husband already had a child from his first marriage, and while he really wanted a child with me I don’t think he felt the same longing/upset as I did because he wasn’t childless...

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 16/04/2021 23:01

OP, calm down.

It seems like your emotions are getting in the way of rational thinking.

It is not rude for your consultant to suggest donor eggs. They are giving you options, you don't have to take them.

"They are suggesting it's me cos I'm 43". Well yea, a man can pretty much have strong swimmers til hes 60s, some men, older.

The consultants know what they're talking about. I've been through IVF myself. It is unlikely that at 43 you wont need any help. Exceptions of course, but they can go by statistics.

You have to consider donor eggs, which would be my option as you would still be carrying the child, it's your partners and you can love the baby like your own.

My partner very much wanted a baby but he kept it very well hidden and told me he wasnt bothered either way as he loved me, and being with me was more important than having a child.

You need to have a discussion with your partner. You have to stop the dramatics and be a matter of fact and discuss your options.

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