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Original poster

Infertility - break up?

50 replies

PennySc · 16/04/2021 21:58

Hi mums. Please talk to me. I have never been lonelier. I love him. He loves me. Been together for 3 years. He wants a child, but we haven't managed to conceive. I have a wonderful child but I am 43 now, my partner is 42. So it's my fault. After "careful consideration" it seems that IVF is a waste of a money.

How do I leave? I can't stay. It hurts. He can still have a child with someone else. I can't leave. I am successful, independent woman. But I just can't leave. And I can't forgive him his pragmatism while discussing with the consultant MY chances ("a woman of 43") of getting pregnant. It's me you are talking about. I am here. Just talk to me! So am I not enough, am not good enough? Am I nothing if I don't get pregnant? Does he regret meeting me? Does he want me to leave but doesn't want to hurt me and my child? I am losing it 😭

OP posts:

Mistystar99 · 16/04/2021 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PurpleDaisies · 16/04/2021 23:04

@Mistystar99

You're a car crash. And at 43, yes it is too late. Slow down, take stock.

You’ve never heard of anyone over 43 having a baby? Really?

Why isn’t the consultant saying it is too late and the op needs to consider other options?

SEE123 · 16/04/2021 23:14

@Mistystar99

You're a car crash. And at 43, yes it is too late. Slow down, take stock.

@Mistystar99 did you mean to be so rude?

Itlod1982 · 16/04/2021 23:18

Think it's a bit fair to be calling OP a car crash and telling her to calm down as she's too emotional - most people would be very emotional in this situation.

This is what I understand tho:

You've seen a fertility specialist and both been tested. They've not detected any reason for him not to be able to conceive. Therefore, as much as it hurts that it's down to your age, it's likely to be true. The specialist isn't saying this to hurt you. It's to help you come up with potential solutions that are most likely to succeed.
the fertility specialist suggested the possibility of donor eggs. Based on point 1 this seems like an appropriate option for him to suggest you consider. Fine if it's not for you and you rule it out but he wouldn't be doing his job if he didn't at least mention it.
IVF is a possibility but your partner doesn't want to pay for it. You think this is because he's tight with money, but you also mention the specialist said there was a low chance of success without donor eggs. If this is the case your partner may not be being tight, he may be being realistic. Would he be happy to spend the money if there was a higher chance of success? 4) you can afford one round of IVF from your own money without his support but you feel this is unfair on your DD as it is money that could be spent on her?
were you given odds of the success rate of ivf without donor eggs?
You think you're partner will only live with you and marry you if you have a baby together. Has he told you this or is this your fear? How much of this have you discussed with your partner?

I'm just trying to get my head round the facts first. There have been quite a few posts in the last few days of women considering leaving relationships as they're getting older and their DDs aren't ready to commit to having children.
I do think there is a big difference between being unwilling and unable to conceive tho....

So much to think about!

Mrgrinch · 16/04/2021 23:24

OP try not to take the things the consultants say personally, they're giving you all the information they can to try and let you know what will give you the best chance of conceiving a baby, it's their job.

If he wants a baby so badly why is he so against paying for IVF?

I0NA · 16/04/2021 23:27

Why do you want to have a baby with a man for whom money is everything?

Why won’t he pay for IVF if he wants a child so much ?

Itlod1982 · 16/04/2021 23:35

I could be wrong but I think OP was saying his reluctance to pay was him being pragmatic as the chances of it working aren't great according to the consultant.

I have no experience myself but my dsis is going through ivf just now and her consultant gave her pretty poor odds and said her chances were so low (based on test results rather than just age) that had she not gone private the nhs wouldn't have offered ivf based on low chance of success.

It was at this stage her consultant also brought up the possibility of donor eggs given the quality of her own eggs.

The consultant did say it's not impossible but may not be worth the money. My DSis didn't agree as she feels she needs to exhaust every avenue to avoid regrets later.

I was wondering if OP has had similar advice and her DP is the same view of the consultant

SushiYum · 16/04/2021 23:39

You ttc when you were in your 40s. He knew that the chances of you falling pregnant would be far lower than when you were in your 20s and early 30s. Despite knowing your age, he still wants to be with you. Have you spoken to him about how you feel? How desperately does he want a child?

MarshmallowAra · 16/04/2021 23:47

Him not coming up with any obvious problems during sperm analysis doesn't mean he's automatically got "strong swimmers" and is somehow perfect. All genetic material ages and the father's she affects likelihood of conception, likelihood of miscarriage, likelihood of defects etc etc. There's a reason fertility clinics don't take sperm off men over 39 - that's only four years more than many take eggs off women. They want optimum and he's also past optimum (!) It's nowhere near as simple as "women fall off the fertility cliff, men are unaffected".

On the flip side, yes the chance per month is pretty low but the chance per month is combined with the number of months trying to give you odds. And i personally know quite a few women who've conceived naturally past 43. They thought they were past danger; they weren't. If you look on the pregnancy choices board here, there's a forty something woman almost every week pregnant (usually not pleased to be so) who thought she was past it. Where I'm from, until the church list its grip somewhat, couples didnt use artificial contraception and it was not uncommon at all for women to have children up to 45, sometimes later.

It dies depend on the person of course, some people's ovarian reserve is decent longer than others.

The consultant perhaps could have been more tactful but what he or she said is tbh what I'd have said - if you're desperate, your best chance is using a younger egg. It doesn't sound like that's what you or your partner want though.

Feeling pressured and shitty and inadequate seems v unlikely to help you conceive. What happens if you don't conceive - will he accept not having a child of his own or will he end the relationship sooner or later?

MarshmallowAra · 16/04/2021 23:54

If you were considering IVF.the consultant was also just trying to get you more value for money ... For lack of a less shitty way of putting it; because IVF for couples over 40 with own eggs doesn't have great results, but a donor egg pushes the success rate up considerably. So I suppose they thought - if you're going to spend the money and put yourself through it, you should consider a donor egg to make it worth it.

Incidentally I read that not doing IVF sometimes has a better chance for over 40s - because IVF forces your body to fire out lots of eggs regardless of quality, but left to it's own devices your body will to some extent self select the better quality egg and implantation etc won't happen if it's not. That takes a lot of trying and obviously the chance it may not happen of course.

The TTC boards on here have a lot of info and a 40s TTC thread - I understand Ubiquinol/Q10 to be well.thought of.

Sundance2741 · 16/04/2021 23:57

You both must have known the chances of conceiving weren't good at your age - it's just biology as a woman's eggs age over time and become increasingly less viable. It's not your fault that this happens or that you are the age you are. IVF is less likely to succeed with older eggs. So, while a huge disappointment, it can be entirely unexpected for either of you.

You could fund an IVF cycle, just to take that one chance. You could use donor eggs. You could adopt eventually once you both come to terms with it. Or you could accept this is how it is.

TBH, I'm not clear from your posts whether your partner is determined to have his own child, without you, if necessary, or whether you are just feeling a heavy sense of responsibility and feel he must not want you any more.

My DH and I went through IVF and eventually adopted. I was more the one driving it all but I knew he would support me and stay with me come what may, even though he wanted children too. It never occurred to me he would leave and find a younger woman, although obviously he could have done. I was against egg donation and thought my DH wouldn't go for adoption so only raised it a few years after we stopped fertility treatment. We were prepared to remain childless but in the event he readily agreed to try adoption. But as I say, we had had a few years by then to contemplate the prospect of being childless, I don't know how he would have felt if I'd raised it earlier.

MarshmallowAra · 16/04/2021 23:59

@Mistystar99

You're a car crash. And at 43, yes it is too late. Slow down, take stock.

Rude b*tch.

And I know quite a few people who are living proof that's not always the case.

We don't really have a realistic idea if the percentage of 40.something women would conceive naturally - because most take semi permanent or permanent steps to prevent it. As I said above it's not that unusual in cultures that didn't use artificial contraception until recently.

Puddington · 17/04/2021 00:11

If we have a child together my child will be adopted

What did this bit mean OP?

MarshmallowAra · 17/04/2021 00:13

@Puddington

If we have a child together my child will be adopted

What did this bit mean OP?

I think she meant he said he'll adopt her child if they have a child together.

Doesn't make him look great that it's conditional.

user1481840227 · 17/04/2021 00:16

*I think she meant he said he'll adopt her child if they have a child together.

Doesn't make him look great that it's conditional.*

If a baby is so important to him then it would not be responsible for him to adopt the OPs child, if he thinks the relationship might not last.

If he does then the OP could end up in a situation where the relationship ends and yet her ex has legal rights to her child?

Iwonder08 · 17/04/2021 00:33

He is open and honest with you. He wants to be a parent. At least you know it now. If you don't want to proceed with IVF and/or donor eggs then it is absolutely your right. Just like it is his right to walk away and try to find someone who he can have a child with. I wouldn't give up parenthood for any man

Yaya26 · 17/04/2021 00:43

I don’t place much heed on fertility tests and statistics. In my late thirties I had all the tests (Amh)and was devastated to be told in late June that I had less than 4% chance of getting pregnant even with “Max drugs” I planned to start IVF at end of July and started downregulating drugs. Turns out I was pregnant. Healthy girl then at 41 my natural healthy twin boys came along xx

MMmomDD · 17/04/2021 02:15

OP - I am sorry you are so down right now. And I do think emotions are clouding your rational thing.
You don’t need to leave, but you do need to talk with your bf and decide on what happens.
Yes - I unfortunately at this point - the fertility issues are on your side. And really IVF is the only way to have a chance. Would have been better to go that way a lot earlier, but you are where you are.
If you have the money for one cycle - it’s the decision you need to make.
(It isn’t a life changing money for your other child, but it can be life changing if you do have another)
Your bf will also need to make a decision.
If you can’t have a child together - he’ll need to decide if he wants to give up on the idea of having a child to stay with you.

And - as a couple you need to decide if a donor egg is really a no go. It could give him a chance of being a parent and, therefore, stay in a relationship.
I know it’s not a preferred option, but it gives him that chance. Ana it’s no different to him taking on your biological child.

So - OP - you have to put emotions aside and think about it all like grownups.

BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 07:25

@PennySc

It was so inappropriate when the consultant without even being asked suggested a donor egg. We want our child. He doesn't want to adopt. Thank you so much for your reply. I am just so scared

Statistically your 10% per cycle if pregnancy is high! Sadly the likelihood of live birth following that bfp is approximately 50% - these are stats with your own egg. . I understand your dismissing the donor eggs, but reality is that some clinics have 60% rates of bfp and the risks of mc is substantially reduced with a donor egg.

BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 07:28

Posted too soon.

The above obviously is if you genuinely want to ttc a baby. Remembering that ttc doesn't guarantee anything... And many relationships survive without...

Lozzerbmc · 17/04/2021 08:34

I dont quite understand the money issue? Is he saying he wouldnt want to pay for ivf?

I dont think the consultant was being rude to suggest donor eggs. At 43 its your best chance.
I think you should at least consider it. I think trying with own eggs is such a poor outcome. IVF is no easy option. Once you get on that IVF wheel of fortune its very hard to get off. Its emotionallly, financially draining.

I was told at 31 my eggs were no good after 2 IVFs. After 4th go, I have a child with a donor egg who is every bit me, I forget it was not my egg, and who I could not love more. The enrichment is immense and I thank my lucky stars every day. I see it as I did not provide the ingredients but I baked the cake.

WildfirePonie · 17/04/2021 09:33

I would let him go. Let him find someone else.

Sorry OP.
I don't like his conditions, you shouldn't have to live by them. Only marriage if you have his baby, he'll only adopt your child if you provide a baby..... but he won't spend money on ivf ...

BusyLizzie61 · 17/04/2021 10:08

@WildfirePonie

I would let him go. Let him find someone else.

Are they his conditions or naively how many of us see things panning out and then have to realise that life happens and doesn't usually following the plans we'd have envisaged.

Wanderlusto · 17/04/2021 10:21

Why on earth would you want a child with a man who is treating you like an oven? Hate to say it op but he us cut from the same icy git cloth as your ex and if you havent realised it yet, I bet once you have a baby with him you will.

I was going to say if I truly loved someone there was no way I would give them up for an imaginary child. And I would make bloody sure they knew that.

Seriously, take the get out if jail free card and go. He wants a baby oven, not a partner. Be is entitled to want that of course. But you shouldnt bend over backwards to keep someone in that position.

anthurium · 17/04/2021 11:26

@autumnalrain

I think it’s very easy for you to say that you don’t put conditions on love when you already have a child. He doesn’t. And obviously he’s trying to do everything in his power to have a child with the one he’s loves. Being optimistic is his way of trying to hold onto hope that he can have both (love and biological children).

But for some people being with someone isn’t enough to sacrifice having a child. You see many of those stories on this site. And tbh if I had to choose between a man and having children .. I would choose children.

Yes, this. The relationship may not last in the long run however you Op will always have your child. The other person will be left with nothing, and by this point too old, jaded and emotionally broken to start dating again to find a new partner. It's too much of a sacrifice in my opinion, and inevitably could lead to resentment and an eventual breakdown of the relationship anyway.

At least women have the option in theory to choose to be solo parents via sperm banks, as for men, they are always reliant for the woman to achieve parenthood (surrogacy being too much of a barrier for most).

The issue is that your partner really needs to come to terms with the possibility that his and your biological child may not happen, and to what degree he is willing to accept that.

As a side note, and someone who has prioritised going at it solo, currently pregnant via IVF treatment, the thought of trying to accept someone else's child when still grieving for my own, would be impossible, so I can see where your partner is coming from somewhat.

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