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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I ask OH to come with me?

35 replies

Zac321 · 16/04/2021 17:04

My DF has asked us to come over for a BBQ , in the next few days, specifically asking for OH.

My OH likes being antisocial and dislikes being in these social situation. Theres nothing in particular that makes him not want to go, hes just lazy IMO. Bbqs, gatherings celebrations of any sorts he just doesnt go. The few occasions where he has come he has really enjoyed himself, and even said that was alright wasnt it. Hes actually a very chatty person when hes there.

Normally when I start the conversation his answer is no or he'll make a face before I finish talking. His reply is always I'm tired CZ I've worked nights or I've got work, and will use this as an excuse. We always end up having an argument over it. I know hes not working and can come to the BBQ. In the past I've resorted to using sexual favors but I hate doing this and dont want this to become normal.

Any suggestions ?

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 16/04/2021 17:08

Yes dump the kill joy, and find a guy who's happy to be where you are and mix

customwatkins · 16/04/2021 17:10

Eh?

You use sexual favours to get your DH to cooperate?

Have my first LTB. OP it's time to get out this is not normal.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2021 17:12

Accept him the way he is, I wouldn't, or get rid of him. Your relationship sounds pretty shit, honestly. If he isn't willing to even attempt to engage in normal life with you, what's the point? As for bribing him with sexual favours, that is absolutely grim.

Shoxfordian · 16/04/2021 17:12

Sexual favours to make him socialise with you? Your relationship sounds very unhealthy

litterbird · 16/04/2021 17:14

Wait, what? Sexual favours to get him to go out with friends? Ermmm, think you need to find someone who actually wants to be in a proper relationship with you and wants to be a part of your life. How awful for you OP.

icdtap · 16/04/2021 18:22

In the past I've resorted to using sexual favors but I hate doing this and dont want this to become normal

Bloody hell!!! No! Stop this already.

I'd ask him if he wants to go to the BBQ and if he doesn't then leave it. End of discussion. No point getting into any kind of discussion about it.

If you are with someone like this you either have to accept that is who is or you leave him and find someone who does want to go to social occasions with you.

Fudgeytastic · 16/04/2021 18:22

I was going to say that it sounds like he has social anxiety but when I saw the bit about sexual bribes... this really isn't a healthy relationship.

NotMeekNotObedient · 16/04/2021 18:25

He sounds awful. Is this really how you want to live your life? Leave him now.

user1636853246842157 · 16/04/2021 18:28

That's really sad.

Allwokedup · 16/04/2021 18:36

This is so sad go without him, don’t invite him anymore.

sunnyzweibrucken · 16/04/2021 18:45

Sexual favors as a bargaining chip...really??? How attractive. I'd dump him as he sounds boring (and i'm a serious homebody) and manipulative...

category12 · 16/04/2021 19:04

"Husband, once in a while I would like us to go to my family events together without you making excuses or making me feel bad about asking, in the same way that I support you and go to your family events.

I don't expect you to go to every single one, and perhaps we can agree that you come half the time (graciously), but if we're a couple part of the expectation I have is that you will come out of your comfort zone occasionally to support me."

But really ugh, he sounds a right misery guts and the sexual favours thing is just weird. Don't do that.

ItsNotLoveActually · 16/04/2021 19:08

To be fair, I think a lot of people are a bit like this when invited to something through a partner. It's not their family or friends. However, mostly you just suck it up, be pleasant and polite and yes, occasionally you'll have a great time.
The problem is him doing it all the time and it's causing rows. Also, stop with the sexual favours as you'll resent him.
I'd say 'pick your battles'. If this particular invite is important to you then appeal to his sense of commitment to your relationship and duty.

Everyday21 · 16/04/2021 19:14

I hate gatherings with my dhs extended family. I force myself to go but actually after this pandemic I'm going to starting saying no a bit. Difference is my dh wont mind

You need to accept him as he is or leave. Stop with the sexual favours though

NeverHadANickname · 16/04/2021 19:31

I suppose you have some options. Make excuses for him not going, do what you usually do or just tell people the truth, he was invited and decided he didn't want to come. Are you generally happy in the relationship? I had an ex that hated things like that so often went on my own but I had found peace with that and we were otherwise good. If you are not happy, maybe this is a chance to look at the relationship generally.

ImInStealthMode · 16/04/2021 19:38

Like a PP, I was ready to suggest social anxiety (which I have in spades whenever it comes to a new place or new people, despite knowing I almost always enjoy it when I get there) but then I read the sexual favours bit, and now he's just a lazy twat who needs a kick up the arse.

SassyPants · 19/04/2021 17:19

Do you have kids? I really hope not. Please LTB, you deserve to be happy!

Sparklfairy · 19/04/2021 17:26

Surely bribing him with sexual favours works against you. He knows if he holds out and refuses to go, exactly what you'll do. If he just gave in immediately he wouldn't get the 'favour' ugh

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 17:28

Um what now? You pay for his attendance with sex? That’s all kinds of wrong.

😱

Justmuddlingalong · 19/04/2021 17:29

Wow. 😲

JustAnotherOldMan · 19/04/2021 17:30

I used to hate going to my Ex family events, so blame him
Go by yourself have a good time and don’t ask him again

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 19/04/2021 17:37

What about if you just say 'Friday night we are going to Dads for a BBQ'. Don't ask if he wants to, just tell him that's what's happening. It indicates that it's an expectation, he doesn't have to WANT to do it.

Shelddd · 19/04/2021 17:39

@sunnyzweibrucken

Sexual favors as a bargaining chip...really??? How attractive. I'd dump him as he sounds boring (and i'm a serious homebody) and manipulative...

How is he being manipulative? There is no indication he asked for anything, rather that it was OP's idea.

Regardless you should ask.

I am curious, do you go without him?

does he get any time alone at home? He might not want to go because it's his only time to relax and unwind by himself at home.

VettiyaIruken · 19/04/2021 17:42

Respect his right to say no and not try to force him into situations he doesn't want to be in?

If that means he's not someone you want to be with, fair enough, split.

Bluntness100 · 19/04/2021 17:52

@VettiyaIruken

Respect his right to say no and not try to force him into situations he doesn't want to be in?

If that means he's not someone you want to be with, fair enough, split.

To be fair this kind of nails it. Bribing with blow jobs is not the way to go.

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