Is my dh using me?

[crimsondonuts]

I think financially I'm trapped in this marriage but the more I think about it the more I wonder if my dh is just stringing me along for the convenience as well as me not knowing how to get out.

Each morning he wakes up and completely ignores me. He will go downstairs make a coffee then go to our shared office. I work pt and random hours whenever I get the time in a low paid job which doesn't have any communication other than email. He then gets on the phone and maybe by lunch time I'll say do you want any lunch. He normally says no I'll get something later. I can hear him mucking about on the phone with colleagues so I don't think he has to be on the phone all day but is anyway.

Anyway then evening comes he usually cooks a dinner, when I offer to do dinner he insists on doing it (maybe it's my cooking?!) and then he eats it really fast and gets up immediately and starts clearing any used dishes but because I'm a slower eater I will then be left alone to finish, every single evening. I've spoken to him and said to be frank I think it's rude to leave me alone (within 10 minutes of dinner starting he's done and gone)

This morning I spoke to him and said I'm really unhappy. I cried. He just got up and went and got himself breakfast. As if I wasn't there. My dc came and cuddled me but I didn't want them to see me crying so I sent them to get their breakfast.
I am getting to the point where I don't actually think I even like my dh at all not even as his wife but from an outside point of view too. Who ignores someone they live with to this extent?! I feel utterly alone. I don't have any friends my closest friend moved away and had twins so is always too busy to chat which is fair enough and she's drowning in all things baby anyway and I have no family other than my young dc. I think maybe I'm being used for all the school and dc care side of things. Or am I being U and it's just a case of too many hours spent together so he's nothing left to speak to me about. I don't know. I don't even know why I'm posting this but the isolation is getting to me today.

This sounds awful! So sorry OP...but it can't have always been this way? When did this behaviour start? I think it's clear he's checked out of the marriage...emotionally.

You're not having sex with this man are you? Is it possible he's seeing someone else do you think?

I think you need to think about leaving. Get some advice - this man has checked out of your marriage and you should not have to live like this.

At the very least you need counselling. Get some on your own before you get couple counselling.

He needs a rocket up his arse. Sit him down and say that you are no longer getting any joy out of the relationship and want a divorce. Ask him to start viewing alternative accommodation. Tell him you want him out within 4 weeks. You cannot live like this.

You are right. He is using and abusing you. Time to get your ducks in a row and go it alone. Better alone than like this. Take care.

Sounds miserable. Don’t wash your one and only life like this

Waste!

Thanks I am so lonely. I am so financially tied up with him though I can't see a way out. My dc is on their second private school and it's too expensive for me to afford and my dc always says please don't move their school again as it was so hard moving . The only way I can see my dc not leaving their school is me leaving them with my dh which is breaking my heart. All the good schools round our way are full and my dc is the softest thing I am worried to move them again.

I am looking at solicitors now. I went a few years ago but it was i realised I'd end up so badly financially that I didn't see a way out, I still don't.

I will have another go at seeing a solicitor now that we've been married ten years maybe it's different. He's been ignoring me for years. It's not me, I used to have lots of friends but over the years I don't have any and have moved away and stopped working so much so don't have any social contact with anyone anymore. I can't even afford rent on my own unless I rented a room maybe. I just don't see myself getting away any time soon. Wanted to check that this isn't ok. I know it's not but I thought maybe lockdown people have this happening to them too, it's much worse since last year. Before he travelled and it was better because he wasn't here and I was effectively alone anyway. But it's more obvious since he's here all the time. I don't think there's anyone else. He's here all the time too.

OP Im so sorry, I just wanted to express my support for your finding a way to happiness.

Make him sit down and talk to you

Tell him how unhappy you are and how unhappy he must be, and what are his thoughts about sorting it out.

Does he see a future together or does he feel just as trapped as you do.

Don’t think because he’s there all the time nothing is going on. Mine was going out for the odd walk here and there and it turned out he was meeting her in a car park. The usual sophisticated twattery of men. Mine had also checked out emotionally too, I can imagine very well what your life is like. I’d advise you to not engage with him, he is not interested, you’re wasting your time and allowing yourself to get hurt. I’m sorry finances are difficult, but you will find a way. Not sure if the private school would make the cut, though. But really you can’t sacrifice your life for a school. Or you can disengage too and carry on as you are, find your life elsewhere, but stop seeking anything even vaguely resembling kindness from him. He is not interested! Good luck to you.

Don't leave your child. He might not want to leave that school but he'd hate you to leave him.

How old are your DC?

Do you have any qualifications?

With the school situation and thinking my child couldn’t handle it I would stay until they are finished. I’d also be saving money and sleeping with who i like too (secretly) until it’s the right time to leave.

He sounds abusive and I'm sorry you have to live like this. Without a doubt your DC know what is going on. They see it and are probably just as unhappy. Good start to see a solicitor. You won't leave penniless op.
What a horrible man to treat you like this. He should leave if he is so miserable.

Your dysfunctional interactions with your H is a terrible relationship role mode for your child and this level of dysfunction, will be the terrible gift that will keep on giving.

You need to start prioritising your ducks, which means gathering financial information and boosting your income. How soon is he likely to resume working away from.home? If it’s likely before the end of the year, use this time wisely by investing your time and energy in pursuits that will boost your confidence.

Hope in the face of constant rejection would damage the strongest of characters. For your own sanity you need to detach as much as possible.

No one is going to rescue you and he doesn’t appear to want a different relationship with you. The balls in your court because expecting the status quo beneficiary to change, is time not well spent.

He has checked out of your relationship. Sounds a miserable existence. Sit him Down and have a Frank discussion. Maybe he is as miserable as you are. Start to get your ducks in a row eg Bank statements etc.

That sounds like a very sad existence within a marriage, if he’s not willing to listen and change, then your only option is to leave.

Personally I don't think having a discussion with him is the way to go, he has no interest in his wife so she will end up feeling worse and/or his behaviour may well escalate.

crimson try and find a shit hot solicitor, Women's Aid will be able to recommend one even if you don't feel you need their help. Separating won't necessarily mean your DC will need to leave their school.

What are his interactions with the DC like?

How old is your child?

Is it only the private school issue which makes you financially tied to him?
If you take the school out of the equation could you make the finances work - bearing in mind DH will have to pay child support.

You cannot continue to live like this and it is not good for your child to have to see you upset or to see this dysfunctional relationship of your DH ignoring you.
Whatever you decide, do not leave your child with DH just so he can go to the school. The home environment is more important than the school.

See a solicitor first.
Then phone up the school to discuss the situation confidentially. Sometimes there might be hardship funds or bursaries available for cases like this. I taught in an independent school which had this sort of scheme in place.

Re the school fees, you wouldn't need to be able to afford it on your own, your DH would have to contribute.

Yes I have to start sorting things out. I have been ignoring it mostly but today I am so tired of feeling invisible.

I can't even get money out of the bank at the moment without getting questioned. Before I was able to get cash out when he wasn't with me all the time but now there's no excuse to do anything.
I think I do have to regain my confidence. He doesn't even let me drive if we're together.
I hope he's back to work soon.

I think the marriage part of your relationship disappeared a while ago. It has morphed into a housemate existence and he seems quite happy with that. I'm not saying it's wrong but I totally understand why you feel that this is a lonely, emotionally empty and unfulfilling arrangement.

I think lots of men are like this. They say hello to their wife when they see them in the house and the only time they're interested in spending time with her is when they want a cuddle whilst watching TV or when they want sex. They don't seem to enjoy or want her company, which is why they rush off back to the TV or computer as soon as they finish their dinner - spending time with you just doesn't occur to them as they don't need and don't really enjoy it.

I mean, it's lovely that they're so low maintenance and they don't seem to have many needs, but it's leaves the wife feeling incredibly lonely and used.

@icdtap thanks I will keep this in mind, that's very helpful to know. Without my dc I would be happy to have nothing. But my dc will suffer if I move them again and I am trying to work out what's best to do.

I am ashamed of my situation too. That this is how things are behind closed doors.

@EarthSight yes this is probably what's happened and I haven't completely accepted it.

I am ashamed of my situation too. That this is how things are behind closed doors.

It is not your shame to carry

I'm glad you're ready to take steps to change your life now, I hope you can get moving with things without him noticing.