Is my dh using me?

[crimsondonuts]

I think financially I'm trapped in this marriage but the more I think about it the more I wonder if my dh is just stringing me along for the convenience as well as me not knowing how to get out.

Each morning he wakes up and completely ignores me. He will go downstairs make a coffee then go to our shared office. I work pt and random hours whenever I get the time in a low paid job which doesn't have any communication other than email. He then gets on the phone and maybe by lunch time I'll say do you want any lunch. He normally says no I'll get something later. I can hear him mucking about on the phone with colleagues so I don't think he has to be on the phone all day but is anyway.

Anyway then evening comes he usually cooks a dinner, when I offer to do dinner he insists on doing it (maybe it's my cooking?!) and then he eats it really fast and gets up immediately and starts clearing any used dishes but because I'm a slower eater I will then be left alone to finish, every single evening. I've spoken to him and said to be frank I think it's rude to leave me alone (within 10 minutes of dinner starting he's done and gone)

This morning I spoke to him and said I'm really unhappy. I cried. He just got up and went and got himself breakfast. As if I wasn't there. My dc came and cuddled me but I didn't want them to see me crying so I sent them to get their breakfast.
I am getting to the point where I don't actually think I even like my dh at all not even as his wife but from an outside point of view too. Who ignores someone they live with to this extent?! I feel utterly alone. I don't have any friends my closest friend moved away and had twins so is always too busy to chat which is fair enough and she's drowning in all things baby anyway and I have no family other than my young dc. I think maybe I'm being used for all the school and dc care side of things. Or am I being U and it's just a case of too many hours spent together so he's nothing left to speak to me about. I don't know. I don't even know why I'm posting this but the isolation is getting to me today.

@crimsondonuts
How old is your child? If they are primary age you could move schools at 11 or if secondary, after GCSEs for example.

I understand you not wanting to move DC but it's not good for you to be suffering like this in this dead marriage and it's awful that you can't get money out of the bank without questioning from him.

Please contact a solicitor and please contact the school to see what solutions might be available.
Talking to people does not commit you to going through with leaving him but it will give you options to consider that you might not have thought about.

Can you focus on getting a better paid job while you figure out your next steps? Job hunting is a long-winded and exhausting process, but it could take up enough of your brain space to not feel quite so lonely for now. Give you something to work towards? Or, if you don't feel like you can take on the type of work you'd want, look into getting a qualification and then start the job hunt? Maybe making plans and working out your next steps will help you feel like you can leave him.

You can. You can leave him. Just make the plans and figure out how to make it happen.

I will job search but I don't think I can cover the school holidays financially which is why I'm pt. I did work ft until school started and I couldn't work out how to cover the long summer holidays.

I think thought that whilst he's wfh I should definitely try harder to get a job and I haven't done so. So much energy just being drained being at home and ignored. My confidence is in tatters. I am making excuses though I think I have to get out there again.

Totally agree. Get job hunting. There are lots of school holiday club options these days to suit a range of budgets.
Before you speak to DH, work out what would make you happier. It’s seems getting a job or making friends would, you could go to college and do a course and have a plan, you would meet people, increase your job prospects and get the satisfaction of knowing the miserable sod was bank rolling your new life

@Cocopogo yes that would make me happy thinking that!

Hi Crimson wow that’s absolutely terrible for you, your self esteem and your child to witness. He’s an absolute abusive bastard. If you are in the uk I would speak to women’s aid.
He has ground you down. He is deliberately cruel to you by ignoring you.
Do you have any family you can talk to.
You may also be depressed - who wouldn’t be. Is it worth seeing your GP - you can tell them of your situation too so it’s in record. They may feel you would benefit from an anti depressant.
I’m enraged for you. I really am.
I also think he’s isolated you.
He’s cruel - if he’s not happy in the marriage he could talk to you - he’s not an adult.
I really would save my energy -
Start thinking about yourself and what you want.
Your focus is on him -
Focus on you, your diet some exercise, re-establishing contact with a friend or two.
I would also secretly gather or take pictures of any financial papers he is ie wage slips, bank statement.
Do you do the shopping, some women get cash back at the till and keep it separate.
Keep posting on here.
Does he speak to his child? Does he have friends and family?
I think it’s about power and control. He has all the power and you have little control currently.
Focus on recovery for you.
💐💐

I’m guessing he is a high earner if your DC go to private school. So I’d like to think you have a home with equity, and entitlement to his pension, investments and savings. So I’d like to think you wouldn’t be as poor as you think you might be.

Failing that, maybe make new friends. You could see if there is a local rambling group you could join.

Or have an affair. Probably won’t do you any good in the long run though.

I could be depressed but my doctor is only doing phone calls so I'd have to try to get a call in without him listening. Any calls or texts that come through he immediately asks who it is. We live in the middle of nowhere and I'm home all the time, no idea what he thinks I'm up to!

I have no family. My mum is awful and stole a lot of money from me so I'm now nc but she wouldn't have helped me anyway and she added to my confidence issues tbh.
We rent. All the money just disappears. I rarely buy anything. We do have some savings but not much.

Dh tells me cash is old there's no need for it. He asked me to cancel my credit cards and use his so we could save. Like an idiot I did this but now he sees everything I spend. He also does all the food shopping online and I have to tell him what I want so he can order it, this is since lockdown, I did set up my own shopping online account at the beginning of lockdown too but he gave the log in details to his brother in lockdown because he couldn't get shopping and the brother changed the pw and took it over then I couldn't set up another account because nowhere was available.

I have lost a lot of confidence.
I must try to get out more. I have no friends mainly because we moved areas then lockdown came about. I am going to get dressed and try to get out today.

This sounds like actual financial abuse. I don't know much about it but first it was your mum, then DH and now DH brother is in on it too. It is frightening. Why can't DH brother set up his own bloody account? Shocking.

Your post resonates a lot with me op. Though my situation sounds slightly more bearable in that there is minimal conversation at least. I have young dc, sahm with really bad anxiety and now depression. I think you've got the added thing of financial abuse going on though op. I've just got some anti-depressants from the GP and also awaiting therapy (fortunate, I think I may be able to access privately). Just feel incredibly lonely and lost. Worthless too. It probably all looks wonderful from the outside. My first point of call was to try to extend my social life...suddenly depression has smacked me in the face so to speak.

n.c with family members including mother. This would have made a world of difference (but not in my case because they are abusive/toxic). It feels like I've got nowhere to turn and everything just looks bleak.

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time.

Was there a turning point for you op? Did something happen for your relationship to become like this?

sounds miserable. hes completely checked out hasnt he. Like you dont even exist. I dont think id be able to tolerate this easily.
Is there any way you can try and build up a life outside the relationship more. Build up your own friendships and hobbies and then you can check out yourself and not give a shit about him?

@walnut643764 I hope your situation gets better.

Things I've done today:
Went out with dc for a coffee even if it did mean sitting outside in the freezing cold. Realised it's the first time I've been out without dh since last year!

Made a list of jobs I can probably apply for and hope to get an interview and going to get a cv together and apply for them tomorrow.

Dh said he was too busy to help with dc this morning so I said fair enough said I was thinking about going out which was ignored so I got in the car and went out. He text me the whole time asking where I'd gone and then what I wanted to put on the weekly food order which I felt would be better ignored so I can now have an excuse to go to the supermarket as it's too late to add anything.

Earlier when I pulled up the driveway after being out he was standing with the front door open already. Then when I got to the front door he left it open but he wasn't there. Silence for dinner and the usual get up early and leave the table.

All in all an ok day though. Better than yesterday at least.

Do you think there's an OW?

OP you are being financially abused

If you said to him about staying while you finish eating why not eat the whole meal alone?

Eat somewhere else as a big fuck you to him?

It sounds like you're living on top of each other. Why are you sharing an office? Work somewhere else so you spend a bit of time apart in the day.

Also if you recognise that you're a slow eater then why would you expect him to sit and wait every time? It can be annoying.

Just bin him off op.

He's making you unhappy. Life is too short. Look at options to be on your own.

@wusbanker I think you are missing the point. OP's husband is abusive , financially and emotionally. He sounds awful OP, please make plans to leave. You will get at least half of the assets, your DC may well still be able to go to his school as your husband will have to contribute , and perhaps would opt to keep paying all the fees anyway.

crimson I'm cheering inside at your last post. You have the balls to do your own thing and are seeing his behaviour for what it is. If you need extra support I really think Women's Aid would be great for you.

Do be aware that his behaviour may well get worse now you 'know'. It might improve for a while but he doesn't sound the sort to improve, from what you've said about him. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your children safe

Do be aware that his behaviour may well get worse now you 'know'. It might improve for a while but he doesn't sound the sort to improve, from what you've said about him. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your children safe

agreed 🌸

Dc asked to go in the garden now so I'm about to sneak off to sort my cv.

I used to be very confident. It's actually weird for me to acknowledge how not confident I am now. I am trying to remember all the confident things I used to do. I used to go abroad alone fgs and now I can't seem to get myself down the local supermarket.

Oh and by me eating slow I mean I expect him to sit and wait longer than 10 minutes and maybe not sit in silence. But I know it probably isn't the most fun to sit while someone else finishes their food so points taken.

Jesus there are so many red flags and control issues here OP. I’m glad you’re realising you’ve got to get out. You can’t do another year of this.. he sounds horrible.

how are you @crimsondonuts 🌸