Issues with Mother in Law

EveryonesEnemy · 2021-04-15T16:42:58+00:00

Ok, so I’ve been with my partner for 11 years and about 3 years into our relationship his parents got divorced but have remained friends for the most part. I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my MIL but the waters seemed to calm whilst I was pregnant (son is 4.) I’ve kept a constant routine of taking our son to her house and usually stay for a cuppa and a natter unless I’m particularly busy or having a bad day and then I just drop him off and pick him up later. I even mentioned to my partner how I feel like everything from the past is water under the bridge because we’ve been getting on so well. I suffer with anxiety and depression and have been down more than up lately, I think due to the constant state of lockdown and a few other issues I’ve had on my plate. Twice, or maybe 3 times over the past few months I’ve been talking to my MIL and can’t help but cry because I’ve been so on edge but I try to compose myself and change the subject because I feel like a burden. MIL and FIL have recently had a falling out and when my partner visited his father today (who’s still angry with her) he said among other things that MIL complained to him that I cry over silly things every time I go there and a “hypochondriac” is how she described me. To say I’m hurt would be an understatement. Now though, I don’t know what to do next. If I tell her I know what’s she’s said then it will cause further issues with FIL for telling his son, but how can I just go on speaking to her like normal when I now know what she says behind my back??

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 18:13

As he found out from his dad he should address today this with his mother. He needs to show you that he is on your side here and that such remarks are completely unacceptable. Sadly I think that her unguarded remarks to her now ex husband are merely a continuation of her own poor relationship with you given her prior behaviour towards you.

How does he get along with his mother these days?.

I would also reconsider going around to her house with your son as often. You need radiators in your life, not drains on it. Get proper help re your depression and anxiety, have you spoken to your GP re this issue?. Do not tell his mother anything going forward, she is showing you she cannot be trusted.

Original poster

EveryonesEnemy · 15/04/2021 18:43

Thanks for the reply. I don’t want my partner confronting his mother if it causes a rift between him and his father who told him in confidence because then his father may not tell him anything in the future.

My partner had been questioning his relationship with his mother before any of this came to light because of some decisions she’s made lately which don’t sit well with him.

I take medication for my mental health but still get days where I just cry at the drop of a hat over trivial things ( though I try to do this in private.)

Should I just drop my son off to visit or not take him at all? I mean either way she’s going to question what’s she’s done and that will bring us back to not wanting to betray his father.

What’s really confused me is that she’s been telling me things about herself and asking my advice so I felt like she was opening up to me and then this just came out of nowhere.

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Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2021 18:46

I would be very upset with your blabber mouth husband for repeating what his father said. Why would he do that when it would only serve to hurt your feelings? What an insensitive tit of a man.

As for your MIL, wide berth.

Aprilshowersandhail · 15/04/2021 18:53

Imo time for dh to facilitate any contact between mil and ds... Enjoy the break from all 3!!

Original poster

EveryonesEnemy · 15/04/2021 18:59

I think his train of thought was that he’s protecting me by telling me because he doesn’t want me to continue letting my guard down with his mother who obviously doesn’t respect me enough to keep our conversations confidential.

As much as I’m hurting right now I appreciate knowing where I stand at least. It’s just hard when there’s a child involved (who really loves his nanny) Otherwise I would just cut her out of my life.

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miltonj · 15/04/2021 19:06

Sounds hurtful. But I would just ask your mother in law what she said as it could have been blown out of proportion, or misconstrued. You describe a good relationship, so just have a chat!

ittakes2 · 15/04/2021 19:07

I would still drop your son but make an excuse and not stay anymore. My m'n'law has form for this sort of thing too. I now make an effort on key occasions such as birthdays and Christmas as I don't want things to be awkward for her (because she is old) or the family- but I don't have anything to do with her day to day as I usually end up feeling hurt when I reach out and find she later bad mouths me to someone else. My husband is lovely and knows what she is like so he is very supportive. I just don't ever want to put him or my children in a position where they feel they need to choose between us. You just need to think about your boundaries, discuss and agree them with your hubby and stick to them so you feel you have control over your relationship with her. You don't need to discuss them with her. If she is like that it sounds like you won't get anything rational out of her you could trust.

thaimoon · 15/04/2021 19:09

Hard as it is to do nothing would you consider just holding your head up and carry on as you were? You say your little one loves his Nan so could you be the bigger person for his sake.

You know what she's like now so don't open up or confide in her the way you used to. Drop him off, eat her biscuits and leave with a smile.

Throw darts at a picture of her face at home

Original poster

EveryonesEnemy · 15/04/2021 19:14

If she asks where I’ve heard it, what am I supposed to say without dragging everyone else down with me?

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Original poster

EveryonesEnemy · 15/04/2021 19:19

@thaimoon

Hard as it is to do nothing would you consider just holding your head up and carry on as you were? You say your little one loves his Nan so could you be the bigger person for his sake.

You know what she's like now so don't open up or confide in her the way you used to. Drop him off, eat her biscuits and leave with a smile.

Throw darts at a picture of her face at home

This was my first thought for my sons sake but I have an issue with controlling my facial expressions so I think she’ll guess something is up when I’m sat there scowling and grinding my teeth

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thaimoon · 15/04/2021 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

EveryonesEnemy · 15/04/2021 19:29

@ittakes2

I would still drop your son but make an excuse and not stay anymore. My m'n'law has form for this sort of thing too. I now make an effort on key occasions such as birthdays and Christmas as I don't want things to be awkward for her (because she is old) or the family- but I don't have anything to do with her day to day as I usually end up feeling hurt when I reach out and find she later bad mouths me to someone else. My husband is lovely and knows what she is like so he is very supportive. I just don't ever want to put him or my children in a position where they feel they need to choose between us. You just need to think about your boundaries, discuss and agree them with your hubby and stick to them so you feel you have control over your relationship with her. You don't need to discuss them with her. If she is like that it sounds like you won't get anything rational out of her you could trust.

I think I will have to take the same approach as you and just remind myself that DS being happy is the main. Hubby pretty much goes with the flow so no issues there. I just can’t cope with wolves in sheep’s clothing. How do you know who to trust

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Elouera · 15/04/2021 19:32

I can only go on what info you have written, so its hard to know behind the scenes. Are you using MIL for free childcare, hence you don't stay, or just an ad hoc visits where you leave him? Have you had CBT or only on medications for your anxiety? Have you spoken to your GP/mental health team as it sounds like things have escalated, even before you found out about the supposed MIL comments?

When you do sit and chat with MIL, is it one sided about your issues? Have you asked how SHE is coping with the breakdown of her presumably very long marriage?

Having had a loosely similar lost of trust from my MIL, she gets very little info at all from me now. Do you have friends you could confide and chat to instead about your problems?

EveryonesEnemy · 15/04/2021 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message removed as it references a post we've withdrawn.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 19:42

It will not do your son any favours for he to keep on seeing you as his mother being so disrespected by his Nan. It sounds like that your partners mother was just buttering you up before doing something really nasty to you. Such people need a wide berth.

Think about your boundaries some more here, they can and should be raised higher. She will not change, all you can do is change how you react to her. I would also suggest that you no longer visit her with your son if visits are at all continued.

butterry · 15/04/2021 19:42

She’s not your friend or confidant and if it wasn’t for the family link you wouldn’t have any reason to try and foster a relationship with her. If you don’t feel she is genuine then take a step back. Leave your son with her for an hour or two and take time for yourself. You don’t have to stay there if he is 4? Or just go there less. It’s up to you how much contact you want in the future with her.

katy1213 · 15/04/2021 19:45

Do you not think mother-in-law might have a point? I would feel very exasperated if you kept coming in for a cup of tea and weeping over me. Your problem is with your husband for repeating what she said.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 19:46

I presume too that his mother is the source of all the dramas and when you grow up within it, you do to a great extent regard it as “normal”.

MNWorldisCrazy · 15/04/2021 19:48

This will just continue if you don’t confront her and nip it in the bud. Either way, I wouldn’t want a woman like this around my child. Influencing my child.

There’s a very high chance that she will have nasty, spiteful things to say about you to your little boy as he gets older. Please don’t put him through that

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 19:51

Do you think that she would be a suitable person to leave your son with, who knows what nonsense she could fill his head with?. You would not tolerate this from a friend and his mother is no different. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them behave abusively towards people they regard as somehow “lesser” than them.

Original poster

EveryonesEnemy · 15/04/2021 20:03

@Elouera

I can only go on what info you have written, so its hard to know behind the scenes. Are you using MIL for free childcare, hence you don't stay, or just an ad hoc visits where you leave him? Have you had CBT or only on medications for your anxiety? Have you spoken to your GP/mental health team as it sounds like things have escalated, even before you found out about the supposed MIL comments?

When you do sit and chat with MIL, is it one sided about your issues? Have you asked how SHE is coping with the breakdown of her presumably very long marriage?

Having had a loosely similar lost of trust from my MIL, she gets very little info at all from me now. Do you have friends you could confide and chat to instead about your problems?

No I don’t need her for childcare but I used to take him there every weekend and then she said she’d like to see him in the week too so we started going there every Wednesday and Saturday and that’s been the routine since he was one. If she doesn’t feel up to it or we’ve planned to go somewhere then sometimes we switch it up a bit but otherwise it’s pretty standard.

My doc did give me some print outs on CBT but other than that I’ve always just trundled along with medication.

I feel like our conversations have been equally giving and taking. She has recently ended a relationship (not with FIL) and we’ve talked quite a lot about it. With regards to her marriage, she mentally left that years before the divorce. I just thought there was an element of trust between us.

I don’t intentionally tell her my problems but sometimes I’ll just walk in and she’ll say like “you ok?” Or ask why I look down and that can be enough to start tears at times but not often a enough for her to comment on it

I have no intention of sharing any of my problems with her in the future though, that’s for sure.

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Theoscargoesto · 15/04/2021 20:12

I’m going to go against what’s been said by everyone else and wonder what is going on for your FIL. For some reason FIL has argued with his wife, MIL, and then chooses (and we don’t know the background to the conversation) to tell tales on MIL. Honestly, it sounds like FIL is trying to stir up trouble so maybe you should take what he says with a pinch of salt. Maybe he has issues with and wants to hurt MIL by harming her relationship with you, maybe he figured your DH would say what FIL said. Just for example, MIL could have said to him, I worry about Enemy she’s been upset and tearful lately. Just a different take.

Original poster

EveryonesEnemy · 15/04/2021 20:25

@katy1213

Do you not think mother-in-law might have a point? I would feel very exasperated if you kept coming in for a cup of tea and weeping over me. Your problem is with your husband for repeating what she said.

Yeah I understand it may not have been pleasant for her but I wasn’t going there and just sitting in her room sobbing for hours on end. I tried with all my might to fight back tears and have even left if I couldn’t. My issue is with her talking about me to her ex husband and betraying my trust. Days when I’ve said I’m not staying just dropping my son off she has asked me to stay so I thought she liked my company.

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mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 15/04/2021 20:38

your MIL is just that...if you and your DH separated she will likely not bother with you. I have learned that very quickly, i can have a laugh with my MIL and share a glass of wine, but would never discuss anything personal with her ever, i mentioned something once and she used it against me. All very subtle but I dont trust her with any information. Now i say nothing, her DS my DH is ill and she has been a nightmare, remind yourself she is a relative through marriage

Commonwasher · 15/04/2021 20:49

If you decline her cups of tea she is bound to ask why you don’t stay for a chat any more, and if she spoke out of turn maybe she will twig that her blabbing has got back to you and apologise. Or if not, maybe that is a good time to say that you often feel emotional with your moods and you don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable if you end up crying into your tea. Then she can either say ‘Come over when you feel stronger’ (ie I find your tears hard to deal with) or ‘Come anyway and talk about it’ in which case you could have some tea and a chat but if you choose to divulge anything tell her in no uncertain terms that it’s in confidence.

Keep in mind that she might not have said what has been reported to you...

If MIL & FIL have had a falling out, don’t discount the FIL bad mouthing MIL to you. She could have commented that you are anxious and tearful, which might be reasonable (if unnecessary) but the interpretation of ‘hypochondriac’ and ‘silly’ could be him stirring intentionally or just being a bit careless and not really being worried if MIL appears rather heartless as a result.

If you get on well otherwise, you could bite the bullet and say you are hurt and talk to her. DH/FIL might be miffed but it would make them think twice about passing on this kind of unhelpful heresay in the first place...