Issues with Mother in Law

[EveryonesEnemy]

Ok, so I’ve been with my partner for 11 years and about 3 years into our relationship his parents got divorced but have remained friends for the most part. I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my MIL but the waters seemed to calm whilst I was pregnant (son is 4.)

I’ve kept a constant routine of taking our son to her house and usually stay for a cuppa and a natter unless I’m particularly busy or having a bad day and then I just drop him off and pick him up later. I even mentioned to my partner how I feel like everything from the past is water under the bridge because we’ve been getting on so well.

I suffer with anxiety and depression and have been down more than up lately, I think due to the constant state of lockdown and a few other issues I’ve had on my plate. Twice, or maybe 3 times over the past few months I’ve been talking to my MIL and can’t help but cry because I’ve been so on edge but I try to compose myself and change the subject because I feel like a burden.

MIL and FIL have recently had a falling out and when my partner visited his father today (who’s still angry with her) he said among other things that MIL complained to him that I cry over silly things every time I go there and a “hypochondriac” is how she described me.

To say I’m hurt would be an understatement. Now though, I don’t know what to do next. If I tell her I know what’s she’s said then it will cause further issues with FIL for telling his son, but how can I just go on speaking to her like normal when I now know what she says behind my back??

Before you start blaming you MIL for all of this....

Person 1 said something to Person 2 who said something to Person 3 who told you.

Are you sure that you MIL called you a hypochondriac? That story has been through a few people before it reached you. Could she have said ‘Everyonesenemy has been a bit teary lately and worried about x. Hope she will be ok’.

Please think carefully about Chinese whispers before you do anything.

You say you husband has told you this informtion to protect you, infering that his mom has been unsympathetic towards your mental health problems.
I believe he said this as there will have been an under current of her criticising you to your husband.
Don't trust her, or at least keep your own council. She sounds like one of those stupid MIL's that show a level of devotion to their own child by diminishing the partner of that child. If she had any sense she would be actively wanting your best welfare as you are bringing up her grandchildren.
She's actually shot herself in the foot.

When you marry it does not automatically mean the in laws have your best interests at heart.
Cry in front of your own family.

For some people, it is incredibly draining to have someone popping round and unloading problems, even if that person is someone you have grown to like/love. So perhaps MIL has just been finding it difficult and made a mistake of mentioning to her ex. I'm struggling to even understand how the subject even came up bbetween MIL and FIL,are you certain you have the story straight?

I think rather than blowing up this third-hand bit of information into a huge row, go and talk to MIL, be bold. Report back to her and say, "FiL told DH you think I might be a hypochondriac. I know I have depression and anxiety, I wondered what else you've noticed that makes you think I am a hypochondriac."

I mean, it does sound like you DO cry a lot, is it possible you actually ARE a hypochondriac? Having health anxiety and imagining or exaggerating symptoms, or imagining worst-case diagnoses, is very common. It is nothing to be ashamed of, but once you are aware of it you can use CBT to control the thoughts better, and once you control the thoughts you are less likely to emotionally dump all your worries on the nearest friendly listener.

I would say she didn’t give the comments much thought and she probably does care for you but you are more sensitive to her comments due to your anxiety/depression.
I mean families talk about each other all the time!
I don’t think your DH should have really mentioned it. What was the point?
Does she know you suffer those conditions?
I’m generally not a very emotional person so to me, someone who appears to cry over minor things would be odd.
Personally I wouldn’t worry about it at all and would carry on as normal.

Op, do you take tablets for your mental health? I do, and sometimes you need to change your dose depending on how your life is at that time. If you are crying a lot, could I suggest you have your dose raised a little? I found that doing that in particularly stressful times in life helped me stay calmer and be less upset. It is worth a chat with your GP. I also agree with PPs who suggest seeing MiL a bit less if possible. I know your little one loves to see her, but you need a balance that suits you as well as him. Perhaps once he is at school you can see less of her?
Good luck🌷

She sounds dreadful. I do not have any contact with my MIL, she has not been a part of our DC's life. There was a lot of abuse from my MIL and her 'gang', even during my pregnancy.

If I were you, I would take a step back from the relationship and only be around her when you have to (meaning low contact) such as during holidays or birthdays.

Her comments broke that bond you believe you had, but it may get worse. I didn't realise how much damage my MIL was causing me until she literally blamed me for my DH cheating. I allowed her insults continue and when she blamed me for my husbands affair, I finally went no contact. She was always fake to me, or hostile, depending on who was around. It got so bad I went to therapy.

do take note of her behaviour. If it's a one off, then fine. But if it continues, I would go low contact.

What DifficultBloodyWoman said!

I wonder if it was said from a place of concern.... you have said you have depression and anxiety. From the kindest possible place.... maybe you are a hypochondriac? Unless I misread it, you said you are often crying. Maybe FIL twisted it to get back at her and hurt DH

Instead of saying you heard it from your FIL why don't you just say "sorry if I burden you I know I am often crying" see if she says anything. Why does everyone everyone assume MIL is wrong here?