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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He is early 40s and I’m mid 50s

37 replies

Funnyfishface · 15/04/2021 14:00

I practically moved in with DP at the start of the first lockdown. I have my own home which I have decided to sell. We have been together 7 years.

We get on great, love each other very much. Lockdown has been lovely with him. I have grown up children he doesn’t. I was married for 25 years - mentally abused and controlled

he is self employed has loads of free time in which he is a golf member, pool team member, he lives and breathes sport.
He has been single for long periods and is the guy that is always up for holidays with the lads etc.
I’m ok with the holidays within reason, (I have said 2 holidays a year with the guys plus weekends) and all the tv sport. It really is endless But the days he us golfing he is leaving the house at 7am and not coming back until between 6-9 pm.
I’m hoping that it’s just that lockdown is easing but I’m beginning to feel upset by it all. - I suffer with anxiety Sad
We do not have any financial worries. We have our own money.
What is an acceptable level of guy time for you - of course everyone is different.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable - is it the age difference

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 14:13

I would not sell your own home and would actually advise you to reassess your relationship with this man.

I am not entirely surprised that he has previously been single for long periods. He lives for sport and his friends/social life and he will continue to live for those going forward as well.

Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, have further taken a knock here. You seem to be an option here for this man now rather than a priority; his social life and sport are the priority. He is not going to help regarding your anxiety and are you getting help for that?. I would also be advising you to look at the Freedom Programme online.

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 15/04/2021 14:24

Thanks Attila

I was previously on medication and considering restarting. I have had cbt and have done the freedom programme. I have been having counselling which only stopped due to COVID.

You are right - my confidence is very low. I had a really awful drawn out divorce.
I am feeling vulnerable and very tearful just now

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 15/04/2021 14:29

I don’t think it’s an age thing. Just an incompatibility thing.

My dh is 35 and never goes out really, no interest whatsoever in sports or guys stuff. Just loved being home and being with the dc etc. He’s always been like that - I’m early 40s and we met when he was 22 and he’s always been that way. I couldn’t stand to be with someone who was so sports invested and always wanting time with the lads etc. Do you really want to put up with this long term / always having sport on the tv!?

It’s okay to feel something isn’t right for you regardless of how old you are and whatever you’ve been through before.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/04/2021 14:32

Do not make decisions like selling your property whilst you are feeling like this.

BACP may be able to help re further counselling even if it is over the phone or online. Alternatively you may want to contact Womens Aid via their chat facility.

Tomyoneandonly · 15/04/2021 14:35

This sounds sad op. Like pp has said think again about selling your home. Have you raised the issue with him? How many times? Personally I think you have allowed him to do as he pleases. Like gollidays. (Guy holidays) plus many sporting activities without you. Have you asked to be involved in anything with him? I don't think it's age I think it's differences in needs and wants. Talk to him again and again and if its not what you expect you have a home to go to. I'm sorry you are feeling like this op.

RolloverRollover · 15/04/2021 14:37

I think when children have grown up it's perfectly acceptable for a partner to have as much free time as they want.

It's not like you are being left with all the responsibility. My children are grown up and my DP wouldn't dream of telling me how often I can go out or go away without him. Why don't you go away and go out with friends ?

However, it seems that you could just be incompatible in life style choices.

Snog · 15/04/2021 14:40

There is no reasonable or unreasonable- surely you just need to decide what suits you both?

If you don't want to be a golf widow then say so. Either you can play too, or you can find another way to enjoy this time without dp, or you are just not compatible.

Hadalifeonce · 15/04/2021 14:42

I divorced my first DH because of a sporting overload, it impacted on every aspect of our lives; I went to weddings christenings and parties on my own most of the time because he was engaged in his sport.
It seemed OK at first, I thought he would back off a bit once we were married, but no.
I realised that he would never give up any aspect of it, so I gave up on him. He has never had a relationship since, that was over 20 years ago.

zafferana · 15/04/2021 14:44

The fundamental point here OP is whether this is the life you want to lead and this is the person you want to lead it with. It sounds like the two of you don't really have much in common. Your DP's lifestyle is basically self-centred and that's why he's been single for long periods of time in the past, because tbh with you, most women with healthy self-esteem wouldn't put up with it.

What you do get from this relationship? Are you happy and self-sufficient and actually grateful for the time alone, or do you want a proper partnership where YOU are the person your SO most wants to go away with, rather than his mates? I honestly think you're selling yourself short here and you should definitely NOT get rid of your house. In fact, I think you should move back into it, give this selfish man the heave-ho and think long and hard about what you want from the next stage of your life.

Lovelydiscusfish · 15/04/2021 14:45

You sound a little depressed, lovely - not to have an issue with this, but what you say about feeling tearful - you sound in a bit of a tiz (as my mom would put it) - I totally mean that kindly.

Maybe think about restarting your meds - that will give you the ability to get a little distance from the intensity of your emotions, and clearly assess whether this man is or isn’t for you.

Feel for you - you look after yourself! Xxx

DianaT1969 · 15/04/2021 14:45

One of the most fun and exciting men I dated goes running, hiking, plays golf, has holidays with his male friends etc. But he also puts a lot of energy and enthusiasm into his career and dating. He cooks for his dates and gives them his full attention when with them.
Personally, I wouldn't want to sit around watching week night TV with a partner, or slepping around Asda together. Having separate interests and a full social life myself - this type of man suits me.
I understand that it doesn't suit you though. Sounds like you need to evaluate the relationship, or change your socialising style.

Time40 · 15/04/2021 14:46

I wouldn't sell your house just yet. Do you think your relationship might work better if you moved out again? If he wanted to see you, he'd have to make the time to do that, and the time you had together would possibly be of better quality. At the moment, you are just conveniently there for when he feels like paying you some attention ... I think that's a situation that could very quickly degenerate into your being taken for granted, as seems to be happening already.

HollowTalk · 15/04/2021 14:46

He's self employed but has loads of time off? Why?

CheerfulBunny · 15/04/2021 14:49

I think the fact you're questioning it maybe means you have doubts about the relationship? It resonates with me a bit because I always felt my ex prioritised his mates over me and it was a horrible feeling. It made me feel resentful. There's absolutely nothing wrong with having interests and own friends, in fact I think it's healthy. Current OH has his own stuff and I encourage and support him because he doesn't make me feel less important, if you know what I mean. I suppose I believe he loves me which I never did with my ex, it was always 'he loves me - in his way'. I don't know if this helps at all. I think you maybe have to be really honest with yourself about what you really want and how he makes you feel. I'd certainly hold off selling your own place until you're certain.

Jerania · 15/04/2021 15:08

Do you think maybe your confidence is at such a low ebb (totally understandable) that you need to be with a man and can't be single and happy?

This current relationship, from what you have told us is going to do absolutely nothing whatsoever for your self esteem. I think it will only plummet further, especially if you sell your house and become even more entwined with him.

I had a similar relationship and I gave up on it as I always felt second best, he actually told me once that his hobby was more important than I was!

If your partner has always been like this, that is fine for him if it makes him happy, you're simply not compatible with each other and I doubt you'll ever be happy with him. You need to build your confidence alone and/or be with someone that doesn't make you feel bottom of the pile.

Jerania · 15/04/2021 15:09

Ps I don't think this is an age thing, you just don't sound compatible.

bunglebee · 15/04/2021 15:18

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with a man with his own busy social and hobby life if there are no DC to think about, but he probably pairs best with an equally busy and independent woman. There's no right and wrong here, just whether this is what you want and whether you are ultimately compatible. It sounds like you feel maybe it isn't.

sunnyzweibrucken · 15/04/2021 15:35

This has nothing to do with age. He seems to have lots of time on his hands and enjoys social time with friends. I dated a guy like this, he would fit me in on Saturday nights -after socializing during the day and getting in a round or two of frisbee golf - I would sleep over, and by noon on Sunday I had to be gone cause he had to go play frisbee golf again. I had no problem with his social life but i did have a problem only being fit in when it was convenient for him.

I definitely wouldn't sell my house. I'd rent it out and see if things changed in the next 6 months - after talking to him and if not I'd move out back into my own home.

Oblomov21 · 15/04/2021 15:54

You sound extremely mentally fragile.
This could be a very big mistake.

Dh watches every football match. Every single one. He also works like a dog on every household repair that needs doing, and treats me like I'm gold. Him watching football constantly allows me to MN all the time. It's perfect!

Your balance is not the same. This is never going to work.

litterbird · 15/04/2021 19:14

What about your friends and your interests and hobbies? What do you enjoy doing? I have a ton of hobbies and friends I see regularly especially now lockdown has eased. Can you learn to play golf and join in? I hope you get some help again with your anxiety. Personally a man with outside interests would be fine for me as I have my own and we then have loads to talk about when we are together. However, you may not be compatible. Please dont sell your home just yet.

BlueDahlia69 · 15/04/2021 20:51

Do not sell your Home OP 🌸

MrsMaizel · 15/04/2021 21:02

7 Years - why is it only a problem for you now ?

Suzi888 · 15/04/2021 21:11

Do you spend any time or do anything together? Do you have holidays with eachother? Do YOU have friends? Or only him....

HedgleyTheHedgehog · 15/04/2021 21:17

Do you not have any hobbies, interests etc?

You sound a bit like you resent him having interests

Original poster
Funnyfishface · 15/04/2021 21:45

Thank you for all your replies.

Yes I do have good friends and enjoy meeting up with them.
I am fragile. A long marriage with a controlling husband changes your perspective on things. I wasn’t ‘allowed’ to see friends and didn’t have my own money so my life then was very different.
My DP is kind, loving, we are best friends and do have things in common but we are also opposites. I don’t really like pubs, clubs, I don’t drink whereas he is always the first to arrive and last to leave. I love him. I know I’m making myself sound like a right killjoy and party pooper. Haha

I love theatre, cinema, dancing, restaurants which when it’s not lockdown we do together.
I do think it’s great that he has his own hobbies, friends and interests. It’s just excessive.
I suppose I’m scared that living together in lockdown has been lovely in so many ways and the restrictions lifting has shifted from spending all our time together to hardly at all. I feel vulnerable and needy and it’s not a nice feeling.
We have had a long chat this evening and shared our expectations of each other.

OP posts: