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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He is early 40s and I’m mid 50s

37 replies

Funnyfishface · 15/04/2021 14:00

I practically moved in with DP at the start of the first lockdown. I have my own home which I have decided to sell. We have been together 7 years.

We get on great, love each other very much. Lockdown has been lovely with him. I have grown up children he doesn’t. I was married for 25 years - mentally abused and controlled

he is self employed has loads of free time in which he is a golf member, pool team member, he lives and breathes sport.
He has been single for long periods and is the guy that is always up for holidays with the lads etc.
I’m ok with the holidays within reason, (I have said 2 holidays a year with the guys plus weekends) and all the tv sport. It really is endless But the days he us golfing he is leaving the house at 7am and not coming back until between 6-9 pm.
I’m hoping that it’s just that lockdown is easing but I’m beginning to feel upset by it all. - I suffer with anxiety
We do not have any financial worries. We have our own money.
What is an acceptable level of guy time for you - of course everyone is different.
I don’t think I’m being unreasonable - is it the age difference

OP posts:

BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 01:05

OP I don't believe these are unreasonable insecurities either. You know he will be excited to seek out all those things he has missed this past year, its natural.

I do think things may be strained for you due to these lifestyle differences as you enter this 'freedom' phase again.

I think you should hold off selling your house, until you know 100% you are happy in this relationship, just for a while.

BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 01:06

it's good you talked, just play it by ear.

SeaShoreGalore · 16/04/2021 01:42

It seems odd to me that the title of your OP was about your ages, but then nothing you wrote seemed to have anything to do with age.

BlueDahlia69 · 16/04/2021 01:46

I suspect OP mentioned age from the outset because it may help in understanding the lifestyle differences, between them. 🌸

Onthedunes · 16/04/2021 02:03

Your title to me suggests your age difference is is creating unsecurities and therefor your expectations of what he should offer in the way of time for you.

Do you feel neglected, but somehow don't feel worthy to criticise his lack of time spent with you ?

DianaT1969 · 16/04/2021 02:18

You've been together ages. How were you before lockdown? Don't sell your house but continue the relationship. Rent it out if you want to live together. Then you won't feel vulnerable and you'll have options.

Opentooffers · 16/04/2021 02:25

Was he doing as much during the 5years or so prior to lockdown that you were seeing him? Were you fine with that at the time, or is he aiming to ramp it up now he's almost got you committed and dependent? Keep your home, rent it out as extra income.
It's time for you to enjoy your own stuff too, make new friends etc. You've missed out on a lot over the years and had to rely on one person for company, don't put all your eggs in his basket. In a way it's not fair on him to be relied upon. You may have been a bit spoilt by his attention in lockdown and wish it could continue, but you will have to adapt back to how the situation was prior to it. That would be reasonable.

Oblomov21 · 16/04/2021 07:50

Do NOT sell your home.

devastating · 16/04/2021 07:59

Yes I second that OP. Hang on to your house.

Sunflower1970 · 17/04/2021 09:10

I think you feel like the relationship with you isn’t his priority and by the sounds of things, it isn’t. dont sell your house whilst you’re feeling like this. You nee to reassess what you need from him

Hufflepuffsunite · 17/04/2021 09:19

Why not just move back out? I think it probably feels worse if you are hanging around his house waiting for him to come back. I'd make a move to spend more time at my own home, in my own space where I could cultivate my own interests and not feel as though I'm constantly an "option" for when he gets bored with his hobbies. Then you can schedule in proper date time where you can focus on each other. I definitely think building and maintaining some form of independence is really important- especially after your past experiences. Relationships don't have to be a massive slog with you running around after somebody else or waiting for a man to give you some attention. Keep it fun, keep your independence and take it from there.

Condenast · 17/04/2021 09:30

This would suit me perfectly
Not much help sorry, but I just don’t think it makes him not committed to you, he just does wants to do other things as well.
If you’re used to having freedom and doing what you want to suit yourself, then it’s not easy to integrate into a relationship where you are in each other’s pockets

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