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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He says he’s paranoid over me?

41 replies

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:16

So I’ve been dating this guy. We get on really well but he said he doesn’t want a relationship. I took that to mean with me. I continued to date him and other men. I would say me and this guy have gotten a lot closer, but he knows I still talk to men. But he always makes little comments always jokingly about how I look sexy and I need to stay indoors, just say no to men and other silly comments. I confronted him about it and he said he doesn’t like the thought of me with other men, then in the same breath says he wants me to be happy.

My mind is like ??? I don’t get him. I mean I understand he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone to have me. Why are some men like this? I really really liked him but this is so immature and quite scary really

OP posts:

AryaStarkWolf · 15/04/2021 13:19

He's scary? In what way? Anyway life is too short to waste on game players and head fuckers, I'd cut him loose if I were you?

SpacePotato · 15/04/2021 13:20

Block and run.

Justmuddlingalong · 15/04/2021 13:20

He's miffed that you're quite happy not having a relationship. Even though he's told you where he stands, his ego can't quite cope with it

autumnboys · 15/04/2021 13:21

He’s showing you who he really is here. You don’t need to ‘get’ him, or understand him, you don’t owe him anything. Walk away.

Original poster

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:21

Not scary just like how he can make jokes about me with other men. He tries to laugh it off but I know he’s being serious. He’s not threatening or anything. Maybe scary was the wrong word.
I know life is too short but I was really falling for him.

OP posts:

tribpot · 15/04/2021 13:21

Because if he keeps you off balance with these little push-pull comments, where one minute it seems like he wants to take things further and then the next he pushes you away again, it means you focus your attention on him and his motivations. Instead of having the headspace to think 'this guy is a wanker who is wasting my time'.

If he wants to be free to see other people and you want to be free to see other people, it needs to be on the same basis on both sides. Which is that you respect the other person and their right to see other people, and are clear about the relationship between the two of you means - and doesn't mean.

I think he senses you want more and is playing with your feelings. That's unkind and unnecessary.

Amiable · 15/04/2021 13:22

Get out, get out, get out etc!

Aquamarine1029 · 15/04/2021 13:22

FGS, block this weirdo and never look back. I can't imagine why you haven't blocked him already.

Notapheasantplucker · 15/04/2021 13:24

This is just a glimpse of what he is actually like and it would gradually get worse.
Don't waste your time.

Original poster

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:24

I know. I suppose I’ve never met a man like this so I’ve wasted too much time trying to work out the why. We would speak all the time, I felt very much wanted. It’s not like he would run hot and cold. He just didn’t want a relationship

OP posts:

Bellyundertit · 15/04/2021 13:25

@Parkerbarker

If you won't have him, I will. I'm joking. I don't know. What do you think in your heart?

Notapheasantplucker · 15/04/2021 13:26

I think he probably knows that his jealousy is a problem, hence him not wanting to be in a relationship because he'll show his true colours then.

PeterPomegranate · 15/04/2021 13:27

I agree with the others - move on. He’s messing you around whether as a strategy or, giving him the benefit of the doubt, because he doesn’t know what he wants. Either way, if you find him ‘scary’ you’re much better off without him.

Original poster

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:28

Hmm. Maybe. But we basically do all ‘relationship’ things, I’ve met his family, he even told me he loved me but I don’t know about that one. He said he knows he doesn’t own me but he just doesn’t like the thought of me with any guy.

OP posts:

pictish · 15/04/2021 13:31

Pfffft

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 13:34

My first thought was 'scary' too.

The thing is, just because he tells you be doesn't want a relationship, doesn't mean he isn't possessive as fuck. He wants the right to date other ppl (and...possibly wants you to feel 'not enough'). But he doesn't want you to date other people.

Run for the hills.

goldielockdown2 · 15/04/2021 13:34

Huh? Is your ego really so frail that you need to keep speaking to this guy even though he has 1.) made clear he does not want a relationship with you 2.) is seedy and 3.) is displaying red flags?

Original poster

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:35

Yeah I felt that. I felt not good enough and was trying to ‘prove’ that I was good enough. And it’s exhausting, even though I’m still dating other men, I don’t know why I’m so hooked on him.

OP posts:

UndeadSlut · 15/04/2021 13:38

He's playing with you. He's told you he doesn't want a relationship with you, but he wants to leave you hanging on in case he changes his mind, which he won't. He doesn't like that you're not desperate for exclusivity with him so he pays you lots of attention and gives you want he thinks you want, in the hope that you'll stop seeing other men, all the while knowing he can say "I told you I didn't want a relationship" if you get to that point.

Move on, or if the sex is good and you can separate it from the feelings, keep it going but whatever you do don't stop seeing others!

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 13:38

Probably because he is a narcissist (npd) or similar. They have tactics that hook you in fast. For example they may 'lovebomb' or they may use 'mirroring' ('we have so much in common').

It's all very toxic and the sooner you can cut him off and go cold turkey the better. Imagine them as the snake from the jungle book. His words are designed to draw you in...but he is not your friend.

goldielockdown2 · 15/04/2021 13:43

Oh stop making him feel so important, OP. He's just a man who isn't functional enough for a relationship for whatever his own reasons are.
And stop playing your own games while you're at it, too. There is no reason for you to mention other men to him other than to try and make him jealous or make him feel he will suddenly want to be with you, and he knows this. Just move on.

Original poster

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:44

I don’t mention other men to him. When he mentioned not wanting a relationship I said I will still date around. Then I mentioned I was at the pub, he told me say no to men. Little occasions like that. I never willingly offer up information

OP posts:

MarshmallowAra · 15/04/2021 13:45

He "loves" you but doesn't want a relationship.

He doesn't want a relationship but is uncomfortable about you seeing other people.

So he's wants an exclusive Feb situation,bit not a relationship? Would it be exclusive from both sides?

He's just pissed off you haven't gotten into a fk buddy situation in which you're crazy about him and try to get more from him and turn every other man down ...
While he still never wants a relationship.

In other words he wants everything on his terms.

MarshmallowAra · 15/04/2021 13:45

Fwb - autocorrect.

Sparkletastic · 15/04/2021 13:47

If he doesn't want a relationship stop seeing him.

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