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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He says he’s paranoid over me?

41 replies

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:16

So I’ve been dating this guy. We get on really well but he said he doesn’t want a relationship. I took that to mean with me. I continued to date him and other men. I would say me and this guy have gotten a lot closer, but he knows I still talk to men. But he always makes little comments always jokingly about how I look sexy and I need to stay indoors, just say no to men and other silly comments. I confronted him about it and he said he doesn’t like the thought of me with other men, then in the same breath says he wants me to be happy.

My mind is like ??? I don’t get him. I mean I understand he doesn’t want me but he doesn’t want anyone to have me. Why are some men like this? I really really liked him but this is so immature and quite scary really

OP posts:

Beamur · 15/04/2021 13:47

Toxic player.
I wouldn't waste any more time here if I were you.

MarshmallowAra · 15/04/2021 13:47

he told me say no to men

Why?

He doesn't want a relationship.

So you are not in a relationship with him.
So you're single.
So why should you say no.

Fkn piss taker.

UndeadSlut · 15/04/2021 13:50

You're hooked on him precisely because of the highs and lows. That's what he's betting on. I've known these men, who can make a woman feel incredibly special and like "maybe I'm the only one who can make him settle down". The sad thing is, and I'm not saying this to be cruel, is that you're not that special to him. He's probably got more than one woman that he says exactly the same things to.

I had pretty much exactly the same situation. He'd tell me about seeing other girls, but always chuck in "but she's not as funny as you " or "she's cute, but you're beautiful". If I told him I had a date coming up he'd go quiet on me and say things like "I know this is ok, but it feels not ok because you should be coming on a date with me". Then he'd get all "ugh I wish I could just sort myself out and be a better person but I just can't do relationships, my brain isn't wired that way". I had to constantly fight thoughts that I could change him, that he definitely did want to be with me and if I was patient enough I could show him I was different from all the other girls. He had this way of making me feel unique, even though I knew for sure I was just another girl to him. I'm thankful that I never completely gave in to him and kept seeing other people. I eventually met my now DP who showed me that all the game playing is unnecessary, and if someone wants to be with you, they will be.

Original poster

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:51

Exactly. And when I brought it up he said he’s just being honest and he doesn’t like it. But he won’t stand in the way of my happiness. Such bullshit.

I think I’m going to block him because it shouldn’t be this way

OP posts:

MrsHastingslikethebattle · 15/04/2021 13:53

It sounds like situationship.

All the perks of a relationship, the company, meeting his family, the affection but none of the commitment of being in a relationship.

You will never get anywhere with him unless you say, all or nothing. Official relationship or cut all ties with him.

Theres that old saying, why buy the cow when your getting the milk for free.

goldielockdown2 · 15/04/2021 13:56

It just sounds like he's extremely immature and childish. Does that not put you off?

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 13:57

He wants you yo put him on such a pedestal that you wouldnt even think of dating other men. It's all about his ego. He thinks you should be in love with him and any scraps he has the magnanimity to share with you from his golden throne.

His sort also often try to bring you down and make you feel not good enough so that you are so desperate for any kind of validation and kindness from them that you do whatever it takes to prove that you are 'loyal/good/worthy' ect...

When infact, its him that isnt good enough for you. Or anyone really, because he is void of all the things that make someone a good human being.

Original poster

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 13:59

Wow. Thank you for all the comments they seem to be spot on. I know I’ve got to work on me for even finding myself in this situation. I thought it was me and not him

OP posts:

EscapeDragon · 15/04/2021 14:01

If you were that hooked on him you wouldn't be dating anybody else, would you?

End it.

ChristmasFluff · 15/04/2021 14:02

Something not so far mentioned is that this is a sign he sees you as a possession, not a person.

I don't watch my TV much, but I don't want someone else having it.

It's an early sign of an abuser. He's said he doesn't want a relationship, and he sounds a nightmare. Not sure where you would want to go with this one? He needed dumped as soon as he did the 'not wanting a relationship' thing. Unless you, too, didn't want a relationship?

Original poster

Parkerbarker · 15/04/2021 14:03

The only reason I was dating other people was to keep my options open. I really was falling for him but I just text him to say it’s not working

OP posts:

harknesswitch · 15/04/2021 14:03

My friend used to see a man who already had a gf. He was possessive as fuck and wouldn't let her see other men, ironic really as it didn't stop him seeing and having sex with his gf.

In your shoes I'd dump him and move on. You're on a path to heartache

goldielockdown2 · 15/04/2021 14:15

Change his name in your phone to something that will put you off like 'childish commitmentphobe' 'toxic manchild' 'dysfunctional cringe' then when he messages you, the ick will hopefully set in.

Wanderlusto · 15/04/2021 14:30

@Parkerbarker

The only reason I was dating other people was to keep my options open. I really was falling for him but I just text him to say it’s not working

Yeah I was going to say it sounds like you were trying to do the healthy thing and meet other people rather than focus on him. You just needed that extra push to do what needed to be done and cut him off.

Well done for listening to your instincts and ripping off the plaster. It'll sting for a bit but you'll probably also feel relieved. And its miles better to take this pain now and feel respect for yourself than take torture, humiliation and loss of your sense of self at a later date.

PriestessofPing · 15/04/2021 14:36

Oh i got involved with a man like this. He had loads of options (apparently) but didn’t want me to even talk to other men without running it by him first. Didn’t want a relationship with me, just wanted to add me to his harem basically of women he possessed. It was an ego thing, he wanted to feel like he had the power to be women’s ‘only’ but with none of the actual things intimacy involves. It was nothing to do with wanting me or any of these other women and all about his deep need to have his ego stroked, deep insecurity basically.

It got old really fucking fast.

Notoriouslynotnotious · 15/04/2021 14:42

Did you ever see a cat toying with a mouse, that is what your description of his behaviour reads like. He is toying with your emotions. Someone upthread put it really well by calling it push/pull. The best way to stop it is to give him a wide berth but if you do want to keep seeing him you could try putting in boundaries which I suspect he will trample all over based on his previous behaviour but it is always an option.

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