morbid/delusional jealousy

[Finisher64]

I began reading about this illness and posted on someone else's thread and was advised to start my own so here we go I have experienced the abuse from my partner who I have been involved with for 2 years. It started out amazing everything I could have imagined. We had extreme chemistry and loved being with each other. He preferred that we spent our time alone and was very adamant about keeping family and friends out of our business.
It started a year and a half ago, accusations of my cheating extreme accusations. He said I date raped him in order to have sex with my sons friends in my car. I would shovel my deck in order to get rid of foot prints in the snow, sneak men in my back door, talked to his co workers in order to get information on him in exchange for sex....the list goes on and on.
I have never and would never do such things. I was devastated when all of this started and didn't understand. I thought he had organic matter on his brain and was extremely concerned. Wanted to start couple counselling but he refused. We continued for a year and a half, his conspiracy theories never went away and when he communicated them to me he would verbally abuse me. I was never allowed to know when and where he was working because I was planning to see other men. It became everything about our relationship, he changed our relationship to friendship because he could never be with a woman filled with lies and deception and infidelity. I put up with it for 14 months trying to make him come to his senses and understand that his thoughts were delusions. It didn't help. It has ruined my life and my heart and soul are damaged. I have finally ended this dangerous game but am left feeling with intense sorrow. I really loved him but he is a sick man who hurts me I have no choice, even though I thought we would last forever.

I really so appreciate the kind words.

You are completely correct in what you have wrote. I have felt very sorry for the people in my life who are abusers and wasted a life time trying to fix and change things in order to have the relationship. It is just that ; feelings of loneliness, and very torturous. I don't understand why someone would not want to get help when they lose the people who love them so deeply. I am trying to work on myself, but I will be honest I have not been able to do the NO CONTACT this is my problem! I must do it or it will just keep playing out until he finds a new supply!

OP- Your story is my story too. Please tell me you got away from him. My husband of 28 years woke up one morning last year talking a bunch of nonsense accusations. It got worse and scary. Me and our adult kids tried to help him but he will not back down even though what he says is so far fetched. We are divorced now. A year and a half later I'm still afraid every time I leave the house or go to sleep at night. I have cameras all around the outside of my house and I've promised my kids I would never be alone with him. He's still creating new stories about me even though he has a girlfriend now. I never knew about delusions or morbid jealousy before January 2020.
Please tell me you are safe and far away from him. You can not be responsible for helping him, I found that out the hard way.

Finisher64- I also feel sorry for my ex next victim. I tried to warn her but she told him I contacted her and that was like poking an angry bear. My kids now tell me to stay far away from him, their relationship is not my problem. I need to take care of myself and think of me and them now. He used to be such a wonderful husband and father for 28 years. Now he's a different person.

His behaviour in the first six months was an act, to reel you in. Then he showed his true self. Try not to give him anymore headspace, if you do then remind yourself of how awful he was to you.

Thank you ladies, for sharing with me. Yes I agree it is not my place to help him he won't listen to me anyway. He truly believes that he is right and that what he thinks of me is the truth. I know he is a very good actor, although I did see some signs of jealousy at the very beginning. I was so desperate for attention that I ignored them and I am obviously not a healthy individual or I would not allow this to go on. I am working on myself and hope that some day be happy again. It is such a shame because he too has a big heart, it must be hard for him to feel this way. Harder for me to be on the receiving end of his conspiracy theory. It is all too consuming and I almost lost myself and my life. I had to take time off work to pull myself together I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Thank you for sharing with me it helps to know that I'm not alone and this is real. God bless!

I suggest you do the Freedom Programme so you can spot any signs of abuse earlier in future.

Focus on yourself, and don't give your ex one more minute of your time or attention. He's an adult and he needs to sort himself out. He sounds bloody awful and exhausting.

I made the mistake of wishing the loser a happy fathers day the trail of abusive remarks was disturbing and unpleasant to say the least. His last and final message was "Oh n I have a woman". I don't believe it but it doesn't matter he wanted to hurt me to the chore and it worked. I will never unblock him again, I will never be in his presence again, and I will never let anyone treat me like this again. I hope he doesn't come anywhere near me that is all that I want from him now.

@Thecatsawinner

His behaviour in the first six months was an act, to reel you in. Then he showed his true self. Try not to give him anymore headspace, if you do then remind yourself of how awful he was to you.

I never understand how guys who are borderline insane, as many of these weirdos seem to be, make a decision to be all nice as pie for a while to reel somebody in and then unleash hell. How do their minds work? I'd have imagined they were too damaged to have the cognisance to actually work that way.

My ex was like this as well OP. Love bombed me, moved in very quickly, then started accusing me of cheating. I was never allowed to talk to any men, he started having me followed to and from work to check if I spoke to any one, he didn't want me having friends who dressed nicely or had one night stands as they would put ideas in my head, everything I wore had to be preapproved by him, and he even wouldn't let me use contraception as this was a sign I was planning to cheat (but he also said if I became pregnant he would leave me, I ended up taking the pill in secret). It escalated to him becoming sexually coercive, breaking my stuff, and threatening to have me killed if I left him. We were living in his home country where the police were not very interested in crimes against women and could be bribed very easily so the threats seemed plausible. He also cheated on me multiple times. Eventually I managed to convince him to let me go back to England to visit my family and just never came back, left all my stuff and my job and just started over. It took me years and years to realise how deeply it had affected me. I developed severe depression and made some bad lifestyle choices as a form of self harm I think. I was only 22 when I met him, he was my first serious boyfriend, he said he wanted to marry me. It took me 2 years to leave him. I don't know why men like that exist and I don't know why they hate women so much. Make sure you don't repeat my mistakes and don't even think about going near another relationship until you've had a lot of therapy. I'm sorry this happened to you.

It's been almost 10 years now since I left him. I have a wonderful kind loving partner, 2 children, and I'm very happy. Don't go back to him, a better life is waiting for you. But you must work through this first or you'll just find yourself back at square one with him or someone like him.

Thank you for sharing, yes I do know that I need to work on myself and realize that I have responsibility for what has happened to me. I should have known right from jump street that he was no good. It has been 19 months of pure and absolute crazy abuse. He make me feel crazy I internalized everything he said to me and what he was accusing me of. I now have the inner pain to deal with and I feel sorry for any woman that crosses his path. I hope that God/the universe whatever it is will repay him with whatever he has put out there. I don't want ill for him but there should be some type of Karma law that would play out on these horrible dark empty demons that pray on woman.

No no no no no OP, that wasn't what I meant AT ALL! You are NOT responsible for what happened to you. Abuse is insidious and often deliberately tagetted at women who are most likely to be vulnerable to it. Don't blame yourself for not spotting the red flags or leaving him sooner. By "work through it" I mean work to heal from the abuse and regain your self esteem, learn what healthy love should be like and establish boundaries that you are able to enforce. I jumped from bad relationship to bad relationship after leaving my ex because I was so damaged and desperate for someone to save me that I put up with a load more crap before I finally went to therapy. I spent a long time thinking the abuse was my fault for being difficult or unlovable in some way, and let men walk all over me for the next few years because I thought that if I could just be compliant and attractive enough then I'd finally meet someone who treated me kindly. But it never worked and I just ended up with more users. That's what I mean by "work through it", just build yourself back up to a place where you know you are worthy of better, all the blame and all the responsibility is his and always will be.

He preferred that we spent our time alone and was very adamant about keeping family and friends out of our business
This is one of the biggest hallmarks of an abuser - to deliberately distance you from all your friends and family in order to exert complete control over you, and so that you have nobody to turn to or rely on except them.

He is evil - please do your level best to cut this person out of your life completely.

Sorry I didn't mean for you to think that I blame myself, but I have been struggling to get completely away from him for a year now. It was my choice to continue even after I lost friendships and would lie to my family about seeing him because they were concerned for my safety and knew how he was treating me. I kept going back for another round and I knew that it would get worse and it did. I told myself that I could handle it. He had made it so that we were now only friends but he still had all of the control. He punished me for doing what he said I did that is why we could only be friends. I intend to work on myself and have absolutely no desire to get right back out there I fear that I am a perfect target for these evil abusers. I just wish that I didn't feel like I was discarded when I wanted so badly to be the one to say no more. As for being cut out of my life completely its done, he said he has another woman and I don't intend to ever see him again. I hope that he respects that and never contacts me I have blocked him and it will stay that way forever. He is dead to me now. His cruelty has reached my limit. I just pray to God now that he will never try to get to me again I believe that was the grand finale as I said. The last stab to my heart. Thank you for all of the support.

Hello to anyone out there who is still suffering. Its been so long since I have written on this thread, and to be honest so long going through the same cycles. I am feeling a bit better not spending time with the abuser we are no longer even friends, I realize that I can not change this person his thoughts or beliefs about me yet I wish I could. I'm damaged now I feel like this is my fault, as though I deserve to be treated this way. It's crazy because I became compliant, I put up with the talk the accusations just so I could get a little more time with him! But after 19 months I am still a liar, a woman filled with lies, deception and infidelity! You see according to him this is my character. What a crock of shit! I am not that person and I never did any of the things he accused me of. I hope that if anyone reads this and are experiencing this will run!!! Run immediately don't wast your time because it will never get better, trust and believe you will never fix this person and never get through to them. Its just not possible. Therefore I surrender it will never be what I wanted he will never be what I wanted. Just a sick man who hurts me!

The person you love does not exist. It was a projection, a fantasy, an act.

It wasn't real.
You were gaslighted and duped and frauded.

We get stuck in trying to help them, so that we can have the fantasy back. Of who they pretended they were.

It's hard to get your head around. I never knew such people existed.
But they do.

Psychopaths, sociopaths, narcissists and overlapping cluster B disorders.

I would not worry do much about that diagnosis or figuring out what he is, just that he has significant traits and put everything into your recovery from that.

If this is not useful, feel free to ignore.

I am feeling a bit better not spending time with the abuser we are no longer even friends, I realize that I can not change this person his thoughts or beliefs about me yet I wish I could. I'm damaged now I feel like this is my fault, as though I deserve to be treated this way. It's crazy because I became compliant, I put up with the talk the accusations just so I could get a little more time with him!

The reason you crave this dynamic, this utter travesty of a relationship - the reason you keep going back is because you are addicted to the person that you are when you are with him. It isn't because you love HIM, it is because you love who YOU are when you are with him.

So that needs facing and unpicking. You would be best off doing this with a really good neutral therapist or analyst, but you can start by really being honest with yourself. What is it exactly that you are getting out of this relationship? Until you face that, and are brutally honest with yourself about what it is that you are enjoying about all this, then you will never be able to heal and move on.

Usually for a woman with an abusive man, it will be because you are addicted to being a saviour or because you are addicted to being a saint. Sometimes it is both.

So in your case as an example, you are running around demonstrating to him that you are a Good Faithful Person with Nothing to Hide. You are Transparent and Squeaky Clean and GOOD. You are also being Caring and Considerate, and you have enormous Sympathy and Understanding for his plight.

This makes you feel good about yourself. You are the Special Person who can deal with all of this, and that feels good. Particularly if you have very low self-esteem - it may be the only time in your life when you feel good about yourself, when you are being abused like this.

This is so, so usual in an abusive relationship, and it really isn't your fault.

In an abusive dynamic the worse the abuse gets, the MORE you feel good about yourself. As it ramps up, so does the good feeling. -That is why it is so addictive and so hard to get away.

This is the first step towards recovery -to face that you love the person you are when you are with him, and not him himself. You have a suspicion about this already because you KNOW that he is abusive and you also know that you cannot keep away. What you don't yet understand is why those two things can possibly exist at the same time.

It needs a bit of bravery to face this OP, but you can do it.

Thank you for your truth. I had a session with my therapist yesterday as a matter of fact and he asked me what does the healthy me say to the unhealthy me and vice versa when I decide to see him or message him or whatever. It's true I don't think I love him anymore, I miss whatever it was but it's so long ago that he was remotely good to me. And yet I continued. I'm broken I was when I met him and I didn't heal from previous trauma now I have more! My therapist also wanted to know what I will do when he shows up or messages me again? I don't think he will, but according to him he always does so he can get what he wants and treat me the way he does because he can. I'm trying to let go and to work on myself its just hard. I'm so stupid I miss him or whatever he used to be. Now I feel rejected which is part of the game. I really feel for sorry for his next victim and I'm terrified to ever meet anyone again.

Put the focus on yourself.
What do you need today? What do you need in this moment to help yourself?

Regarding him "showing up" again, psychopathic/nsrcisstic types do cycle back, sometimes after many years, and trigger you back into a situation if you have not done your healing work.

The feeling rejected is core here, you are rejecting yourself. Waiting for him to perhaps come and realise you are a good person and worthy of x, Y and z, that you were right and he was wrong, etc etc. And for it all to be ok.

Only you can make it ok for yourself. By looking at why you feel rejected and why you are rejecting yourself.

Him not being around would be a relief in a healthy person.

You are also jumping into "I feel terrified of meeting someone else" this is not even a thing at the moment, so you are pulling in possible future problems and layering stress. The next woman will be duped, like you were duped, it is not your concern. Save yourself.

Look at attachment disorder, look at trauma bonds, look at CPTSD. There will be information on you tube.
Lisa Romano is good. Alan Robarge is good.
You are working with a therapist which is good.

Go for a walk, do some exercise, dress well, eat well, hydrate, do some meditation.
Get a notebook and watch some you tubes.

You could wrote a page on "what will happen to me if I never see x again". And maybe "what will happen if I return to x".

You could be over this in a year. Or you could be in the same place obsessing over him. It's up to you.

So true thanks for the direct advice! I do walk every day! I don't have as much time right now super busy with work! Yes you are right I am waiting for him to come back and say things will be O.K and then another part of me is completely relieved. Although I do look over my shoulder and I am concerned to be free and to what I want in my own home fear that he will show up! I have come a long way. I have read several books on narcs and I meditate with Melonie Tanya Evens and Louise Hay. I have a journal and frequently put it down when he shows up. I don't think he will again, and I am keeping the NO CONTACT. You are correct a healthy person would be relieved. Its just painful when you loved someone and they hurt you, and this is even worse because I was abused, and my wounds were opened. Thanks again I'll keep all of this in mind always looking for more help!

Take time to heal from all this, time to find out exactly what you want and don't want. They get such a power over us during this mental illness.i know for sure there are good guys out there and people in healthy relationships, so there is hope. But staying away from relationships is best. Good you are in therapy. Even though therapy is difficult and they make us really look at ourselves, it's the healthy thing to do right now.

Good morning to all! I went 24 days no contact then broke the trend, only to find myself in the same place and in the same situation. I left I left feeling disappointed in myself but relieved that I feel different. I love and care for the poor man who will never be fixed but I love myself more and for the first time I put myself first. He says all the same things over and over again and then like nothing ever happened invites me to dinner! But this time I didn't go! I think I'm over the part of running to him and expecting it to be different or even putting up with the abuse! I read and re-read this thread to remind myself of this journey and where I am today. Thank you to everyone who has shared their stories and their thoughts!

What do you love about him?

On balance, is it worth enough to destroy your mental and emotional health for?

No it is not worth destroying my mental and emotional health. I know that this is my issue now and I need to do some serious work to figure out why it is that I did and don't feel worthy. I know why, I just need to apply it! What do I love about him? Well some times he can be a friend but it doesn't last. It never does. Therefore I have no expectations no hopes and no fantasy that he and I will ever be together again. I realize that it has run it's course and that whatever lessons that I needed to learn from this relationship will change me and hopefully for the better.