How long does the cycle of grief last?

[Chopbob]

I posted a little while back after finding dh secret email account. I found he had been contacting other women and prostitutes for about 13 years, sending explicit pictures etc. but no physical contact.

Obviously it's been a really hard few months but I have ultimately decided to give our marriage one more go (I know, I know!). I still love him a lot and he has made a huge effort to change. He is attending regular counselling, sex addicts anonymous. He seems genuinely so sorry for the hurt he has caused.

I'm really confused by my own behaviour though. Im committed to making my marriage work but I seem to keep sabotaging any progress we have made. I keep going through the cycle of grief again and again. One moment I'm so so happy to be together, the next I'm full of hate and rage, then I'm so depressed I can barely move. Then repeat!

I have been attending counselling and I realise this is just the normal cycle but how long will this last? I don't feel it's fair to dh (I know I shouldn't care but every time I get angry again he looks physically ill, cant sleep or eat, worries I will leave again)

I just want to feel normal again!

What you are describing re your own emotional state sounds like a form of post traumatic stress disorder.

How helpful to you is your counsellor here?

Why have you indeed decided to give this marriage another go?. Is it really out of a combination of a fear of being alone, financial reasons, the children?. You state that you love him but his actions here have certainly not been loving ones and ones too that have gone on for over a decade. He did that of his own free will and I would think he is only sorry because he has been caught.

If there is no trust, there is really no relationship. You only need to give your own self permission to leave. What do you get out of this relationship now?.

So every time you feel angry (something you are perfectly entitled to feel) he makes himself into the victim? Makes you think about HIS needs. Emotionally blackmails and gaslights you into suppressing your own feelings in order to protect him..the rat bastad who has cheated on you for years.

And he was doing this shit for years a yet is only getting help now...because you found out. Not because he had respect for you at ANY point in those 13 years - but because he got caught.

You have every right to feel betrayed, angry and upset. Your body is doing nothing wrong. It is reacting to the ridiculous idea you want to maintain that this man is sorry and that he can ever be trusted again. That he is owed any sort of forgiveness.

What you are really asking is how do you con yourself into believing something that is not true.

You are not grieving. That is the problem. Your body is rebelling against that. You will get sick. You will get emotionally depleted. You will drive yourself mad.

And he wants you to.

I don’t remember your previous post (I don’t remember much these days) but what is your husband doing to regain your trust? If he’s working hard to repair what he broke, then it will take time but you might get there eventually.

If he’s doing nothing, then I’m sorry to say I think you will feel this way until you stop caring and leave him. You can’t recover from this kind of betrayal single-handedly or by force of will.

I mean to say, you’ve listed things he’s doing to change but what is he doing for you specifically?

I decided to give the marriage another go because although he did this awful thing, the rest of the time he was a good husband and dad and I don't feel like that one deception completely wipes out 20+ years of happy times. I haven't stayed for the kids, the house etc. I have stayed because I think our marriage is worth one more chance.

From our counselling sessions its sounded as though his behaviour was more compulsive than something he enjoyed. It was something he knew was wrong but just couldn't stop even though he found it demeaning. He has been seeing a psychosexual therapist who believes he has a sexual compulsive disorder so they're using CBT and talking therapy to address it.

He has been trying to support me as best he can. He is encouraging me to see my friends and family to get support, organising fun family days out, I've updated my wardrobe to try to feel better etc.

I don't feel he is playing the victim at all. I just notice that he looks like shit after each angry episode and I have noticed he isn't sleeping well or eating properly. He has never once complained and blames himself entirely.

It was due to something different but I ended up very traumatised, we stayed together and gave it another go. 2 years was a turning point and then after 4 years things were much better.

It's a long haul.

RandomMess that's good to hear. I just need to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel

I am a different person now and I can't ever see myself giving him "100% of me" every again but I don't think that's a bad thing. I suppose I will never fully rely on him, always recognise that if push came to shove he'd put himself first? If we are brutally honest I think that is human nature?

Day to day I expect to grow old together happily but I ensure I do what I need for me, look after friendships and activities. Very blunt about telling him when I find his choices disappointing.

I expect less of him yet probably get more. I think he knows I will walk if I'm unhappy?

That all sounds a bit negative but it isn't. I am just a realist and think flowers, Valentine's Day etc is all bollocks now

Regardless of why he did it, it's caused you untold hurt. You need to allow yourself to feel angry and he needs to tolerate it, make room for it, and be there for you.
This will last a long time, some say at least 2 years? But there's no strict time frame. I would say if he doesn't intend to spend the next 20 years making it up to you - it's over.
Really, the only way is through, you can't take a short cut by deciding your anger at the person who caused you this devastation is invalid

Oh i notice someone just said 2 years!

Please be kind to yourself OP. This will take years for you to resolve, if ever. You will have episodes of intense hatred and anger and I am afraid he will just have to suck it up and support you at every turn. You have decided to stay and this will be your lives until it settles. Years down the line there maybe another trigger and it will set you off again, albeit briefly. The grieving cycle is not linear its a bunch of mixed up emotions that come and go whenever they feel like it. Therapy will help but at the end of the day its down to you to realise if its all worth it to continue to feel bad when it hits.

What's the point, surely you'd be happier out of this 'relationship.' Can't understand why people tolerate this shit.

What I have learnt is about ones capacity to forgive. My DH hurt me so much I was suicidal and very unwell because of it.

I think we both learnt a lot about "true love" loving and forgiving despite our weaknesses and flaws and selfish behaviour.

It sounds like things are still unresolved for you. Maybe the anger keeps coming back because it needs to be heard but you keep silencing it to keep the peace, to move on etc. Have you had any real acknowledgement or been able to express that anger in a way that you've felt heard and understood? Is there a disconnect between what you want cognitively and what you need emotionally?

"I decided to give the marriage another go because although he did this awful thing, the rest of the time he was a good husband and dad and I don't feel like that one deception completely wipes out 20+ years of happy times".

That to me sounds like another version of the sunken costs fallacy and that basically enables people to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

Would you really describe him as a good husband and dad now?. Would you be wanting your daughter or son as an adult to remain within such a relationship?. No you would not and really its not good enough for you either. Have you also found your counselling sessions to date helpful?.

I wouldn't be able to forgive something like this. But if I did and decided to stay it would probably take me years, if ever, to move on past it.

He didn't make one deception, he made countless ones over 13 years.

I think your logic is flawed. You are married to someone who has deceived you, put you at risk of STIs, not prioritised your wellbeing and who is NOT a good father or husband. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but I think you are kidding yourself. You're not trying to forgive/get over a one off event, you are having to come to terms with the fact that your husband is a selfish, duplicitous person who is more interested in himself than anyone else.

You’re a better woman than I am. There would be no way back for me if the trust was gone

no physical context
You seriously believe that op?

I love the way that MN always tries to be so balanced when relationships hit trouble.. almost always you will see posts saying 'are you going to forgive ? I couldn't but this is your choice'. .. followed by a thousand posts telling the OP to ltb.

Why can't people understand that sometimes people DO want to forgive and to undermine that decision (rather than support it )with judgements suggesting she doesn't know her own mind - sound like some patriarchal claptrap from the past - when women were assumed unable to think rationally.

OP - I am sure you have made the right decision for you right now. You may stick with that decision or you may change it. Staying is an equally valid choice and often harder than leaving. Yes there will be a continuous cycle of grief but the waves should decrease in intensity and frequency over time. You will hopefully be able to replace old hurtful memories of the past and how he hurt you , with new happier ones where he shows how much you are loved.
The work is his to do and I'm afraid the occasional burst of anger from you is the price he pays for betrayal. He can count himself lucky.

I think you are trying to put back together a smashed plate. It's going to be a bit by bit process.

Sorry to say a one off is not contacting other people for 13 years 😞

Sorry I meant *one 'deception'

I think it's very unlikely to ever change. You don't ever feel 'normal' in this relationship again.

*won't

One deception that lasted THIRTEEN YEARS!