How long does the cycle of grief last?

[Chopbob]

I posted a little while back after finding dh secret email account. I found he had been contacting other women and prostitutes for about 13 years, sending explicit pictures etc. but no physical contact.

Obviously it's been a really hard few months but I have ultimately decided to give our marriage one more go (I know, I know!). I still love him a lot and he has made a huge effort to change. He is attending regular counselling, sex addicts anonymous. He seems genuinely so sorry for the hurt he has caused.

I'm really confused by my own behaviour though. Im committed to making my marriage work but I seem to keep sabotaging any progress we have made. I keep going through the cycle of grief again and again. One moment I'm so so happy to be together, the next I'm full of hate and rage, then I'm so depressed I can barely move. Then repeat!

I have been attending counselling and I realise this is just the normal cycle but how long will this last? I don't feel it's fair to dh (I know I shouldn't care but every time I get angry again he looks physically ill, cant sleep or eat, worries I will leave again)

I just want to feel normal again!

Yeah, it sounds like 13 years worth of deceptions rather than one?

My ex was using prostitutes for years. We split up two years ago because of it. I don't regret it for a second and I'm still angry/hurt about it now despise counselling. Your relationship is never going to be cured or even mildly normal. He has no respect for you. It's a waste of time.

I wouldn't be able to nor want to salvage this. I would walk out and never look back. I value myself too much.

A one off deception is one thing but 13 years of it is another level and it would take years to get over it! I'm not sure you ever really could, not truly. Are you having counselling alone as well as with him? Somewhere to process your own emotions privately and work through things without having to think about his feelings?

We have both been having counselling alone and also couples counselling together.
I really do appreciate all of the input but it does make me mildly annoyed to describe me as having no value for myself, or that it is not a valid "relationship" in some way because my choices are different to yours.
I'm acutely aware of the length of time this has gone on for, and yes it is really awful but I have made my decision to stay and was looking for support in that.
Maybe in a few years I will feel very differently, but maybe not...

You have chosen the hardest path as you are still living with the perpetrator of your trauma.

That’s your choice but this means you will continue to experience severe PTSD episodes as you will be triggered frequently.

You are not trying to get over one incident (you have minimised the severity of it in your post - because you need to repress it to make it acceptable to you - denial) you are sub consciously trying to review everything in your life over the past 13 (probably 20) years - because it is not what you thought it was.

Every little or big memory, feeling, understanding now has to be reviewed and seen in through this new prism.

It’s exhausting and will go on consciously and subconsciously for years - it might take as long as the 13 (20) years to rewrite this narrative.

It will take a lot of your MH and joy in your life. It will also take from your DC as their DM is preoccupied and mentally diminished. They will know and absorb that.

You might get years down the line and know it isn’t worth it - but for now (v early days) you are trying again.

If he is compulsive, he will have done this all his life - it didn’t start 13 years ago - and he is likely still doing this.

If he is compulsive then every waking moment of his day is mentally preoccupied and distracted. Like any addict.

You don’t know who he is.

He has been emotionally detached from you and your family on all occasions because his head is always craving and in the compulsive mindset.

A good Dad doesn’t treat the mother of his children like this.

Keep investing in your own MH - you will need lots of professional support. Continue to emote, rage, weep etc - you need to process this shocking betrayal but you need to decide if he’s worth turning yourself inside out for - he chose not to for you. He indulged himself for decades at the cost of your health.

Imvhe the 'cycle of grief' has no end. It ebbs and flows, but it doesn't stop. Ever. This is it for the rest of your life in some shape or form, I'm afraid.

I agree with everything Ssslou says.

No criticism or judgement from me for the decision that you've made, but only caution that you're at the beginning of the journey, nowhere near the end.

Best wishes to you.

Why would anyone support you in something so ridiculous though?

It's not not a valid relationship because your choice is different to ours, it's because there is literally no recovering from what he did to you. You're never going to get over this and have a normal relationship, no matter how much therapy you have. You're sticking your head in the sand. This is not opinion, it's fact.

He's cheated on you. He's harmed you mentally and let you down and you want to stay with him ? This makes no sense to me because he will never change and you will never trust him.
And you deserve better

In your situation the cycle of grief could go on forever, as your H is not allowing you to go through the anger stage without making it all about him and turning himself into the victim and wronged party. You deserve better, OP.

For 13+ years your H has prioritized the pursuit of illicit sexual thrills over the well-being of you and your DC. You are brutalizing yourself by reconciling with this man whose dark compulsions have and will continue to destabilize your family.

He was using your 6 year old’s laptop to conduct his sleazy cheating by messaging and exchanging nude photos with various women, as well as contacting prostitutes. You discovered this in March when you were preparing for home schooling and found he’d left your child’s device logged in to the porn/chat site. He was potentially exposing your child to sexually explicit material, which is abuse.

Many relationship counselors estimate that recovery after infidelity can take 2-5 years, and that is under optimal conditions.

Considering your H’s long-term compulsive cheating and deception, plus his staggering lack of care toward your child, I would class him as a very bad bet for future reliability and trustworthiness. I wish you well, but fear that your moving forward with him will decimate your self-esteem and emotional health, and will bring further harm to your children.

@Frustratedbeyondbelief

I love the way that MN always tries to be so balanced when relationships hit trouble.. almost always you will see posts saying 'are you going to forgive ? I couldn't but this is your choice'. .. followed by a thousand posts telling the OP to ltb.

Why can't people understand that sometimes people DO want to forgive and to undermine that decision (rather than support it )with judgements suggesting she doesn't know her own mind - sound like some patriarchal claptrap from the past - when women were assumed unable to think rationally.

OP - I am sure you have made the right decision for you right now. You may stick with that decision or you may change it. Staying is an equally valid choice and often harder than leaving. Yes there will be a continuous cycle of grief but the waves should decrease in intensity and frequency over time. You will hopefully be able to replace old hurtful memories of the past and how he hurt you , with new happier ones where he shows how much you are loved.
The work is his to do and I'm afraid the occasional burst of anger from you is the price he pays for betrayal. He can count himself lucky.

As has been said previously, all the outside world will tell women to forgive and try again and that it's better to stay in a relationship. MN exists to tell a different story: that you can indeed be better off alone.

You are likely in the deep shock phase of grief OP - this is where denial and bargaining take over. It’s a disbelief and temporarily mentally protective.

I suspect it will thaw and how you think and feel right now will evolve over the coming months. Allow yourself the healing privilege of feeling your truth. That’s the only way you will get a sustainable outcome which never way it turns out.

Look up “Cognitive Dissonance” this is what your mind, body and spirit are experiencing right now. Your gut is screaming this is vile, wrong, devastating, dangerous - and your head is JADE ing (blunting) your emotions by justifying, arguing, defending and explaining in order to minimise what he has done to you in order for you to cling to the security of the status quo. Understandable.

Be gentle and kind to yourself.

@Frustratedbeyondbelief

I love the way that MN always tries to be so balanced when relationships hit trouble.. almost always you will see posts saying 'are you going to forgive ? I couldn't but this is your choice'. .. followed by a thousand posts telling the OP to ltb.

Why can't people understand that sometimes people DO want to forgive and to undermine that decision (rather than support it )with judgements suggesting she doesn't know her own mind - sound like some patriarchal claptrap from the past - when women were assumed unable to think rationally.

OP - I am sure you have made the right decision for you right now. You may stick with that decision or you may change it. Staying is an equally valid choice and often harder than leaving. Yes there will be a continuous cycle of grief but the waves should decrease in intensity and frequency over time. You will hopefully be able to replace old hurtful memories of the past and how he hurt you , with new happier ones where he shows how much you are loved.
The work is his to do and I'm afraid the occasional burst of anger from you is the price he pays for betrayal. He can count himself lucky.

Why support a relationship that would be soul destroying that no one deserves. His problem is selfish and compulsive as if this is treatable therapy I very much doubt. Op your grief will never go nor your security that your relationship is honest and not deceitful. 2 yrs you will have moved through your feelings but I doubt it will never leave you. How do you feel if he seems secretive or late. Ignorance is not bliss

How do you feel if he seems secretive or late. Ignorance is not bliss

Or when he encourages you to go off and spend time with your family and friends without him.

You can choose to put yourself through this hellish ordeal but think also about the impact of your declining MH on your DD childhood and your ability to parent her optimally - can you be fully emotionally present and attuned when exhausted, preoccupied, depressed and angry?

You can’t be in two places mentally at once. Choose carefully.

The thing is it's not all about you - he may well be grieving this side of his life hence why he gets or looks ill etc . You have no idea that he will even stay . There is many a man who has begged to stay with his family and then he goes and cocks it all up again . His case is not as simple as there is not a single OW to go off with . I had 4 years of trying again and tbh it was a fucking nightmare for me but not my ex H who expected me to get over it quickly . Your mind is working its way through the shock of what you have discovered . 13 years of a 20 year relationship and he has lied and deceived you . It's not one mistake. You may well find that it is all too much . I remember that I used to think " this is the thing I will be thinking about when he is on his death bed " - not a pleasant thought .

I remember that I used to think " this is the thing I will be thinking about when he is on his death bed " - not a pleasant thought.

That’s really sad and v profound. That’s assuming he goes first - worse if it’s the thing you are thinking about on your death bed.

The way to get over trauma is to build new positive emotional experiences and memories. Can you do that with this man?

Kubler-Ross seemed to think of the cycle as a linear, end to end process. But the reality is it is cyclical, you go round and round, and don’t say “finish the denial onto acceptance chop chop!”. It’s repetitive and that is very very normal. But @Gemma2019 makes an excellent point about getting “stuck” if your emotions aren’t “allowed” - better out than in, as our grannies might have said....

@Sssloou

I remember that I used to think " this is the thing I will be thinking about when he is on his death bed " - not a pleasant thought.

That’s really sad and v profound. That’s assuming he goes first - worse if it’s the thing you are thinking about on your death bed.

The way to get over trauma is to build new positive emotional experiences and memories. Can you do that with this man?

I was saying this is how I felt . I am very happily remarried after divorcing.

@MrsMaizel - sorry my post wasn’t clear I was addressing comment and my Q to the OP.

Well done to you.

Ok yes I see now 😀

It's pretty personal

You never will get past it nor live a happy complete life
I think ptsd is going to be contuinally relived given you live and breath his deceitful lifestyle which will never change.
Ssslou and Attila said it perfectly.
Have some self respect because his for you was never there.
Therapy to accept or overcome is not worth it.
I think a stable well grounded life without his seedy world
It is just revolting

@TheWaif

Why would anyone support you in something so ridiculous though?

It's not not a valid relationship because your choice is different to ours, it's because there is literally no recovering from what he did to you. You're never going to get over this and have a normal relationship, no matter how much therapy you have. You're sticking your head in the sand. This is not opinion, it's fact.

Some can not deal with life alone nor the pride of saying what is happening behind the scenes. Op have you ever thought the advice is by some of us who have lived through ptsd. You will never get past it because it is not ok Not healthy and certainly not worth subjecting yourself to, this is one messed up lifestyle you have been dragged into. Safe sex!

"Dragged into " - you are correct @cupoftea2021 - they turn you into a liar , unable to speak honestly - after all who can say " Oh yes I'm a bit upset as I just found out Derek has been seeing prostitutes for 13 years ". You end up complicit in their dirty secret . You are talking months @Chopbob. I crashed and burnt about 3 years after we split up - you run on adrenalin , it is immensely bad for your health . Something like this is the most destructive thing a person can do to you .