After a certain age, do you just need to grit your teeth and accept that the ‘firsts’ aren’t special? Am I very juvenile?

[WorryingNotSleeping]

Nothing social has ever come easily to me. I’ve just turned 28 and I’ve been trying to use OLD for 4 years, but it’s not gone well. The last guy I was chatting to seemed lovely, but I felt like a back up choice. He only messaged during the week, not at weekends.

I understand that I am a lot to deal with. I am very apprehensive about touching/ kissing, never mind sex. Is it me though? If I hadn’t have held back would the guy I mentioned before have been more interested? Or even if he wasn’t, if I had kissed him that would have been one hurdle out of the way

I would love to have children so I know I am rapidly running out of time to sort this.

I’m not sure I understand the question in your title in relation to your post. By ‘firsts’, do you mean first kiss, first sexual encounter, etc?

If you’re talking about sex, you definitely shouldn’t ‘grit your teeth’ and do anything you don’t want to do. Absolutely not.

You seem to be suggesting that your apprehension might be the problem though. Is the apprehension based on wanting those ‘firsts’ to be special, or something else?

If he wasn’t consistent then dumping him was the right thing. I am not 100% sure I ever felt most firsts were special or a big deal, but clearly you do. I presume there’s something behind your avoidance of contact, you must have given it plenty of thought.

I’m just so nervous about all of those firsts and I think I have muddled them up with the idea of ‘you’ll know when you meet the right person’ etc.

Are you saying you’ve never kissed or shagged anyone? I don’t think that’s bad. And IME the right man will wait.

In my experience, the longer you wait, the more the "first" builds up into an almost insurmountably big thing. It's like, you've waited so long, it needs to be perfect.

I recommend focussing on the emotional connection. Are they kind, reliable, honest, enjoyable company? Do you feel safe and happy? As long as these are fulfilled, you won't have a dreadful experience.

But the first kiss, first sex, first whatever might still be awkward, or disappointing. Remember that happiness is not about having the most perfect first kiss. That's just what you see in the movies. Long term happiness is about having many kisses, mostly good, occasionally meh, sometimes excellent.

No, never. But all of my friends slept with their boyfriends long before they knew they were the right men, IYKWIM?

In my experience, the longer you wait, the more the "first" builds up into an almost insurmountably big thing. It's like, you've waited so long, it needs to be perfect.

Yes, this is exactly what I mean.

First sex is usually pretty bad. It takes practice. First kiss can be nice, as can all the subsequent ones. You don’t have to wait for the “one” to try a bit of recreational kissing.

I wouldn’t panic yet, you’ve got 10 years before you’re really running out of time.

OLD and social anxiety aren’t a brilliant combination. Do you ever get to meet potential partners in real life?

Honestly no - you wont know when you meet the right person, and realistically what are the chances of the first person you decide to kiss/touch/have sex with being the right person? Why would you be so lucky? Most kiss a load of frogs first! Pick a pleasant person and go for it - or as much as you can cope with. Obviously you shouldn't grit your teeth and fake it if you don't want to...but you do want a family. This has become a really big deal in your head, but maybe you just have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, as we all do for most of the things we do for the first time. Good luck

No, I work in a very female dominated area. I had quite a few different hobbies pre Covid but never met anyone.

I get more anxious and awkward when I drink, so that has never helped matters either.

Are you getting any help with your anxiety? I wonder whether you’d be better off starting with that.

I’d feel so stupid at therapy or going to the GP. I’m not like this in any other part of my life. It’s just that I can’t get started with relationships, and every time OLD has gone tits up, I get worse!

Yes, I can understand that, bless you ☹️.

What sites are you using? Bumble can be a bit gentler.

OP - this seems to have got quite complex and high stakes for you. And I am not sure you can untangle these issues on your own.
In your place - i would chat to your GP and get on a waiting locket for a counsellor. You don’t need to say it’s because of issues with relationships - you can say you are struggling with lockdown. As many people are right now.
And once you get to a counsellor - you can talk about anything really.

But back to where you are. In some ideal scenario - you put aside your focus on meeting The One, and just try to date casually. To relax and to build confidence a bit. Maybe even try sex with someone friendly and nice.
Have you get been attached to anybody back in the day? When you were younger maybe? Do you remember why you didn’t let it build up naturally?
Or - maybe you are religious? In that case there may be special places you can try to meet likeminded people?

No, I’m not religious. I had crushes as a teenager but they were never reciprocated. I just kept on thinking ‘it will happen’ but it never has.

To relax and to build confidence a bit. Maybe even try sex with someone friendly and nice.

That is what I meant. The guy I was seeing ticked all those boxes, but he never messaged at weekends or suggested going out after the first two dates. I just want to feel a little bit wanted or even special

If you're very apprehensive about touching then men may read that you aren't interested. It probably does feel difficult to go to a counsellor, but it sounds like getting to the root of your social anxiety is what's needed. Relate offer relationship counselling to individuals and will be used to helping with all kinds of problems so please don't feel embarrassed about asking for help. Therapy is confidential and they will be on your side.

Like a PP said, first sex is usually crap - it gets better! First kisses can be wonderful, but are generally quite short/light - more a test of potential if that makes sense?

Being honest, dates are probably expecting a (short, brief) kiss by the second or third date, otherwise they might think you have ‘friend zoned’ them.

Did you want to kiss the men you have met? If you did, maybe consider kissing the next one you meet - nothing dramatic, just a fleeting kiss at the end of the date - and see how that feels?

Take the pressure off yourself about sex. When you get to that stage, you will know you want it (if you don’t, dont!) and any nice, respectful man will take that really slowly.

There was one I was very attracted to before the date, but he made several ‘jokes’ throughout that completely put me off.

The others-

• stood me up (twice)
• cancelled ten minutes before
• catfished
• lied about his age and job

I just can’t seem to get started :( I really would feel a fraud going to therapy. Nothing dreadful has ever happened to me, it’s just that nothing has ever happened.

The current man I like, as I said, but I couldn’t bring myself to kiss someone for the first time ever in broad daylight in the park!

Ugh. The first ones sound awful. Your boundaries are right! Hopefully it will get easier to meet people more naturally as things start opening up again.

You’re doing exactly the right thing sticking to basic standards of behaviour. What a terrible run of luck. What kind of men are you setting up dates with, in general? Do you think you might be being less picky at that stage due to lack of confidence?

I don’t think I’ll ever meet someone naturally, but I feel a bit brighter this morning. I would have regretted kissing any of those men so I’m going to try and not beat myself up about that.

In some ways I’m picky. Grammar and spelling are important to me, but I’m not terribly fussy about height or looks. I don’t like bald men with tattoos though

It sounds like you're putting yourself out there with the OLD which is good if you want to meet someone. Have you thought about changing the places you are using? My understanding is that some of the sites are better than others.

I think you are taking the difficulties you are having too much to heart and blaming yourself for them. The truth is that OLD is difficult for anyone. I know people that did it for years and it took a long time to meet someone. I know some people that did it and never found a partner that way but found them some place else.

With the last guy you liked. There is nothing wrong with wanting to feel appreciated but did you make clear to him you were interested. For example, did you message him first sometimes? Did you tell him it was a lovely day when you met up? If you didn't he may not think you are interesting.

In terms of firsts, you are overthinking them. Show you're interested to the right guy and they will begin to happen. I have never been touchy feely and always been awkward around strangers but still found that they happened with the right person

Don't online date and get back in therapy is my advice.

For example, did you message him first sometimes? Did you tell him it was a lovely day when you met up? If you didn't he may not think you are interesting.

Yes, I took care to message first if he had been the first to message the previous day, and I said thank you afterwards. He also sent me a photo of the fountain at the park, so I assumed that was a good thing.

I do take it to heart, but it’s very wearying. I was lonely even before Covid.