After a certain age, do you just need to grit your teeth and accept that the ‘firsts’ aren’t special? Am I very juvenile?

[WorryingNotSleeping]

Nothing social has ever come easily to me. I’ve just turned 28 and I’ve been trying to use OLD for 4 years, but it’s not gone well. The last guy I was chatting to seemed lovely, but I felt like a back up choice. He only messaged during the week, not at weekends.

I understand that I am a lot to deal with. I am very apprehensive about touching/ kissing, never mind sex. Is it me though? If I hadn’t have held back would the guy I mentioned before have been more interested? Or even if he wasn’t, if I had kissed him that would have been one hurdle out of the way

I would love to have children so I know I am rapidly running out of time to sort this.

Sorry what is OLD?

@WorryingNotSleeping

For example, did you message him first sometimes? Did you tell him it was a lovely day when you met up? If you didn't he may not think you are interesting.

Yes, I took care to message first if he had been the first to message the previous day, and I said thank you afterwards. He also sent me a photo of the fountain at the park, so I assumed that was a good thing.

I do take it to heart, but it’s very wearying. I was lonely even before Covid.

Then he isn't the right person for you.

If you are going to take the rejection of OLD to heart then maybe you need a break from it and some time to work on yourself and building your own self confidence - whether that is through therapy or friendships. It sounds like you're stuck in a toxic way of thinking and unfortunately the more you feel down on yourself and are desperate to find someone to lift that feeling, the less likely you will find someone.

I think ‘firsts’ are overrated. It’s all a big hype fuelled by movies and books. But fictional ‘firsts’ are designed with an audience in mind. The thing about any kiss (or other contact) is that it should be what you both want in the moment - whether it’s the first or the thousandth (not sure if that’s a word but...)

If you want to kiss, then kiss. If you don’t want to, then don’t. If the thought of all kissing or sexual contact makes you anxious, that’s a good topic for therapy. Especially if you’re asexual or bisexual or have a history of trauma or bad memories of a difficult family of origin or any other reason to feel awkward about physical touch, it would probably be useful to get to know yourself before you get to know a potential partner.

I think you would absolutely benefit from therapy. And that you shouldn't feel remotely embarrassed. That's what they're there for, to help you unpick all the obviously complex feelings you have about sex -- and your poor self-esteem, and feeling that you're running out of time to have children (which, objectively speaking, isn't true.)

Although I was younger than you, I approached these 'firsts' in the spirit of getting them out of the way and stopping them being some artificial 'big thing'. For instance, I deliberately chose to have sex for the first time when I was working abroad as an au pair in my late teens, with a much older man I then didn't see again (I mean, by choice). I knew I didn't want to have sex for the first time in the context of a relationship, or with anyone I knew. It was a good experience.

And I think 'you'll know when you meet the right person' is nonsense. Some of the best sex of my life has been with total idiots.

@StarCat2020

Sorry what is OLD?

@StarCat2020

Online Dating

Some of the best sex of my life has been with total idiots.

This made me laugh because it’s undoubtedly true. OP do you have close female friends? Over time it’s become clear that people’s first kiss or sexual experience (even when wanted) is not always a wonderful experience, or even a memorable one. I won’t overshare on here but my first kiss was with a stranger in a club, it was lovely. First sexual experience - overwhelming memory is of feeling vulnerable and anticlimax (I don’t just mean sexually) that that was it. I expect your friends and relatives will have had similar. Having your first “everything” with “the one” sounds a huge amount of pressure, and honestly may lead to you feeling tied to the first “one” you take those steps with, even if it turns out not to be the right relationship for you.

If you’re interested, I didn’t know at my first kiss with my partner whether he was my future, at all!!!! And what you may not realise is that part of the reason for that is because physical things like smell, feel, preferences ie how the person kisses or likes to be sexual - those are all really important in terms of whether they’re the right person for you. I’ve called things off relatively early when these things were clearly not compatible, just like I would if we turned out to have very different interests in other areas. In short, I would say even if the personality match is ideal, you can’t really say they’re “the one” unless you know you love kissing and doing sexual things with them too, if that’s the kind of long term relationship you want. Does that make sense?

@WorryingNotSleeping I'm sorry to hear you're feeling like this. Perhaps I can give a little perspective from 'the other side'.

I've recently started a new relationship (I'm female, he's male), and it quickly became apparent that he, as well as inexperience (despite being quite a bit older than you) has difficulties with physical intimacy.

I initially felt quite rejected and unattractive but he explained a little about this to me and I did some research to try and understand more. I've now completely changed my expectations/approach and we're taking things v slowly and at a pace that he's comfortable with. As a result of me understanding more he has relaxed more and it is actually really lovely taking things slowly - he's now relaxed about kissing and so we're doing lots of that .

A few things that helped: we were good friends first and therefore there was a level of existing trust on his part/willingness to put in effort on my part (OLD had never worked for him in the past for similar reasons to you), seeing each other frequently for short periods of time in 'safe/comfortable' for him locations so there isn't the 'pressure' of an organised 'date' with perhaps 'expectations', me understanding that his reluctance isn't a reflection on how he feels about me (that was an important one for me), starting slowly with 'non sexual' but sensual touch - eg holding hands, stroking arm, cuddling, so he became comfortable with close physical contact - kissing then flowed naturally from that.

I would gently suggest that you would be better off looking at opportunities to develop friendships/get to know men first rather than OLD. While you may get lucky and find someone who is willing to be patient & understanding and who you find attractive I think so many men on OLD have a 'sweetie shop' mentality and just move on if anything involves much effort. Being honest I'm not sure I would have been willing to put in the effort/patience with my boyfriend if I'd met him through OLD and hadn't known him well and had the friendship already.

I also think that it's important to be at the stage of feeling comfortable about communicating your need to take things slowly before you get to the point of it being expected that you will kiss - as the 'more experienced' partner I needed to understand that in order for me to adapt my expectations/approach and also so I understood that it wasn't me being rejected/unattractive etc.

My boyfriend worries sometimes that he's 'hard work'/a lot to deal with/not worth it etc but I don't feel that at all. I know he is a wonderful, kind, caring man and I'm enjoying our slow process of discovery together and seeing him relax and start to enjoy physical closeness is rewarding and bringing us closer emotionally as well if that makes sense.

I hope that you are able to find a decent man who can also help you to relax and enjoy intimacy. Good luck