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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

13 year old DD driving me crazy

43 replies

BumbleBuzz123 · 14/04/2021 21:53

Hi all,

I don’t use mumsnet that much for posting but I’m on breaking point - I need some advise.

I don’t know where to start, so my DD is 13 and until 4 months ago she was fine, we had a good relationship. Around 4 months ago I found out she was self harming, I was shaken as she has always been so sensible, so confident, academically doing well and knowing her rights from wrong.
Got in touch with school, convinced her to talk to the counsellor which she was reluctant to, during that time I asked my friend who has been depressed if she knows any therapist and my DD read those msgs and since then has come the point she doesn’t even want to talk to me.

To her I broke her trust I told my friend, to me I was trying to get help.
And every time I try to talk to her, there is hatred in her eyes, anger & she openly says she will never tell me anything.

I have been a single mother with her, she knows the hardships I have faced, now I have a lovely DH and for her he’s the only father as the biological father left her when she was a baby.

She has asthma and epilapsy, I watch her day and night (mostly night time seizures) and for her to turn around and say just because you have given birth to me doesn’t mean I owe you anything.

I have tried being nice, I have tried being strict, I have cried my eyes out in front of her & she was as cold as one can get.

I miss the relationship we had, I want to help her, I want to be part of her life but she is being very cold, have said some nasty and hurtful stuff. And I don’t know what to do ?
Should I be nice and let her do what she wants to ? Or be a mother who is in charge and do what I think is right.
I’m on a breaking point.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2021 22:01

You need to talk to a family counsellor.

Chances are, and it's a guess, she has stopped masking her feelings because the cat's out of the bag. All her feelings are raw and open, and anger is far easier to express than fear or sadness. You're nearest and easier.

You do need to stop treating her quite as much like an equal. She knows all your struggles, you cry in front of her etc. She's a child, you're the parent. She shouldn't know your struggles.

In the meantime, and you really need family counselling; calm, consistent, measured, fair. She's the stormy sea, you're the breakwater. You can expect a certain level of behaviour, but consequences should be natural, short lived and fair.

Thanks
Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 14/04/2021 22:21

Thank you Mrs Terry. I hope this time passes and that she understands that I do care for her.

OP posts:
MyAltAccount · 14/04/2021 22:21

Have you tried sitting down with her and apologising unreservedly? The kind of apology where you don't say 'But...'

Sounds like she feels betrayed. Let her know you now realise you were out of order and it won't happen again.

Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 14/04/2021 22:26

I have yes, but I feel she’s just using that something against me.

For her the relationship is over, she won’t repeat the mistake of trusting me again.

OP posts:
Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 14/04/2021 22:27

Even now, when she’s continuing to self harm, she doesn’t want me to DH or her older sister.

I feel they need to know so we work together since she doesn’t want to talk to me or share her feelings.

OP posts:
Spring2021 · 14/04/2021 22:36

Sorry you are going through this OP. No solutions and I will watch replies for advice my DD 16 treats me with contempt. She saw some messages on my phone. She is angry, distant, begrudges spending two minutes in our company. The only time she is happy is when out with her best friend once a week or when talking to her best friend on the phone, briefly while she is eating chocolate or when having a laugh at my expense. She spends 90% of her time when not at school in her room. We insists she eats an evening meal with us but thats it. Meanwhile I alternate between treading on egg shells, trying to be hard line, being sympathetic, loving (obviously not in the same day). Its exhausting I just want my little girl back or a 16 year old who is pleasant to be around and doesn’t despise me some of the time.

Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 14/04/2021 22:45

I hear you Spring2021, it is so hurtful when I see hatred in her eyes and more hurtful to see self harm on her body. It is clear it is not home that is causing it, I don’t know what is happening in school that has caused it. She says she’s in a dark place, suicidal etc but honestly I’m so shocked to see how she is with her friends. Completely different person, attention seeking behaviour, openly admitting that one of her qualities is being manipulative. We did not teach her this through preaching or practice.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2021 22:52

How old is her older sister?

DPotter · 14/04/2021 22:54

I disagree with others that you should apologize. She's your child, she's a minor and you are responsible for her. She was self harming and you sought assistance for her and support for yourself. This is nothing to apologize for. Unless your friend went around telling all and sundry, she is pushing the emotions she can't understand on to you with anger. And even if your friend did tell everyone - that's not your fault.

I also don't think you should be ashamed of your tears for her and the situation.

I do agree that family therapy would be worth looking at and this should include your DH, although I would take the therapist's advice regarding her sister. I would also be tempted to tell your DD that you will be informing your DH, for the following reasons - as he is acting as her father, you need his support and it will explain the bad feeling between the pair of you. It is unfair you carry this load of worry on your shoulders by yourself. I personally would not tolerate unkind words being she by her towards you - that's unacceptable at any time.

I hope your DD is getting the help she needs regarding the self harm. It may need more that a school counsellor and you may need to pay to get timely access to that support.

Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 14/04/2021 23:00

Mrs Terry, she is 20.

OP posts:
Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 14/04/2021 23:03

Thank you DPotter, what you said has comforted me in some way and I will look into getting the help for her.

To clear about the friend I told, she’s a very trustworthy friend and hasn’t told a soul.

OP posts:
alwayslearningsomethingnew · 14/04/2021 23:31

I also have a 13 year old who has gone through a period of being miserable and very down, totally unrecognisable behaviour

This is just my opinion but it sounds like she's got zero respect for you and is feeding off of your apology and guilt, personally I would be telling her now that enough is enough, take away her tik tok if she has it as that can a very negative effect on their moods and start regaining some control over the situation. And stop feeling guilty you did nothing wrong. Make her earn her device time by simply being nice and polite to you... if she's rude (which she has been) take it away.

alwayslearningsomethingnew · 14/04/2021 23:40

I just want to add... you might be surprised how much she changes for the better when you come down hard on her. She might resist but deep down/subconsciously she will feel protected and you also take control away from her meaning she doesn't have so much pressure on mind if that makes sense.

She needs to know whose boss and that's you. The relationship and bond will come when she's a bit older so don't worry, but you have to do the right thing and protect her now.... she might make you feel like she hates you, but she doesn't really, making you feel that way works well for her though because you sound like you fear her and want desperately to be close so maybe are pandering to her and letting her get away with more than she should be

Geppili · 15/04/2021 00:02

Don't ever write texts about someone else's deepest pain. When I was 13, I felt suicidal because I thought I was bisexual/gay. I was passionately in love with a girl.There could be so much going on inside her that you might not even have experienced.

I would get her to chart her mood and symptoms along with her menstrual cycle. I would also just try not to take her 'hatred' so personally. You are her safe place. She trusted you with one of her deepest pains and shames. She loves you and needs you.

Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 15/04/2021 04:35

Thank you Always, I actually made her delete TikTok and Snapchat - don’t like both apps and her phone is with me since 2/3 days because of her behaviour.

She has told me that she hates me even more because I’m taking her friends away, I said no you can talk to your friends no issue there I just don’t want you to have Snapchat and TikTok.

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 15/04/2021 08:06

I've no experience with counselling etc, but simply as a parent, I'd advise you to tell her that you have apologized for breaking her trust, and that, with hindsight, you regret it. But she will not be allowed to continually use this against you, or to use this as an excuse to be rude etc.

Now as her mother, you have to consider her safety and get professional help for her so that she can discuss anything and everything that's contributing to her unhappiness. Tell her that she doesn't need to tell you anything if she doesn't want to, and that you love her, regardless of her anger towards you.

You will not allow her to be rude/ offensive to you, and you will continue to set the rules she must abide by, and if she breaks the rules, she will have consequences.

I'd also advise you to seek counselling for yourself too, as going through this is going to be very tough, and it will help you differentiate between what she 'blames' you for, and what you are actually 'responsible' for, because she will use you to vent all her anger/fear/resentment etc simply because she feels 'safe' to do so. But that doesn't mean that you're actually responsible for it.

I'm sure other posters with better experience of this will help more, and I wish you and your DD the very best. x

Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 15/04/2021 09:38

Thank you updown, I have privately booked a counselling session for me for next week as we wait for Children’s counselling/ CAMS for her.

OP posts:
itsgettingwierd · 15/04/2021 09:43

Have you tried the epilepsy action/ epilepsy U.K. groups for getting support? They can be a great resource because epilepsy itself can cause mental health difficulties either through the affects it has on life or because the part of the brain affected.

Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 15/04/2021 09:44

I think parenting is the hardest thing I have done, yes I want to see things from her perspective but sometimes I have to take parental decisions and that to her is not fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 15/04/2021 09:45

Yes i have been in touch with them, they also suggested to get referral from GP.

OP posts:
updownroundandround · 15/04/2021 16:49

@BumbleBuzz123

I'm glad that you have been able to book counselling for yourself. I'm sure it will help a lot.

If you can afford it, you might think about booking counselling for your daughter too, because I'm aware that waiting times for appointments for kids with mental health/ psych services are sometimes years long ? I'd ask your GP how long she is likely to wait for an initial assessment and go from there.

Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 16/04/2021 01:20

I wanted to book for her but this particular one isn’t doing under 18s. Wait isn’t bad about a month I was told.

OP posts:
Theoscargoesto · 16/04/2021 09:04

I mean this kindly OP. You seem very bothered about the self-harm (it’s hardest you said to see her scars) and I think it would help you to understand that better. She is self-harming as a way of coping with her feelings. She may need help to work out what those feelings are and what she can do that isn’t self-harm and you have ensured she’s seeing a counsellor at school, so that is a good step in the right direction. Maybe both of you look at the Childline website, separately if not together, and try to understand what’s going on for her.

At the moment the cat is out of the bag and she says she hates you but that’s just how she feels now, in the moment and I’m willing to bet those feelings of hatred towards you change. You need to be, as someone said, consistent and focused on her but you also need not to be so critical and judgemental, because she’s not going to want to talk to you whilst that’s the stance you’re taking. Sure tell your partner, he is your support. Do you need to tell her sister? Why? If there are good rational reasons, that’s fine but if it’s so her sister can join in the criticism or be on her back watching her, it won’t serve a useful purpose for her to know.

I know I’m going against the grain and I agree counselling may help you all but try and be more understanding here. She is suffering, and she’s found a way of coping that isn’t healthy but support her to discuss what’s going on rather than be disgusted by what she is doing or you’ll permanently damage your relationship.

LivBa · 17/04/2021 00:16

@BumbleBuzz123
Stop treating her like your best friend. She's a 13year old child and you're her parent. All this dramatic crying in front of her etc shows you up to her as being emotionally fragile and someone she can control, even though she's a child, by punishing you. All teens go through phases of disliking their parents, let alone teens who have mental health struggles.

You did what any parent would do, trying to seek help for her. Even healthcare professionals, including counsellors, must breach confidentiality if it means getting a person the help they need. It's unclear how she came across your messages but if she's snooping then that's unacceptable. Stop letting her have open access to your phone.

Original poster
BumbleBuzz123 · 20/04/2021 10:52

Thank you TheOscar, I will try and do what you suggested. I don’t want to permanently damage my relationship with her.

OP posts: