13 year old DD driving me crazy

[BumbleBuzz123]

Hi all,

I don’t use mumsnet that much for posting but I’m on breaking point - I need some advise.

I don’t know where to start, so my DD is 13 and until 4 months ago she was fine, we had a good relationship. Around 4 months ago I found out she was self harming, I was shaken as she has always been so sensible, so confident, academically doing well and knowing her rights from wrong.
Got in touch with school, convinced her to talk to the counsellor which she was reluctant to, during that time I asked my friend who has been depressed if she knows any therapist and my DD read those msgs and since then has come the point she doesn’t even want to talk to me.

To her I broke her trust I told my friend, to me I was trying to get help.
And every time I try to talk to her, there is hatred in her eyes, anger & she openly says she will never tell me anything.

I have been a single mother with her, she knows the hardships I have faced, now I have a lovely DH and for her he’s the only father as the biological father left her when she was a baby.

She has asthma and epilapsy, I watch her day and night (mostly night time seizures) and for her to turn around and say just because you have given birth to me doesn’t mean I owe you anything.

I have tried being nice, I have tried being strict, I have cried my eyes out in front of her & she was as cold as one can get.

I miss the relationship we had, I want to help her, I want to be part of her life but she is being very cold, have said some nasty and hurtful stuff. And I don’t know what to do ?
Should I be nice and let her do what she wants to ? Or be a mother who is in charge and do what I think is right.
I’m on a breaking point.

Thank you LivBa, yes absolutely it was not right to lose myself and cry in front of her.

She was snooping through my phone but I have now changed the password and she has no access to my phone.

I really appreciate all the advice given here, if there are more words of wisdom please share.

I need to start working on the relationship and I don’t know where to start. Because generally every single day she’s in bad mood and gives rude answers or her body language/ her tone is just rude. There is just so much anger inside her. She has always been strong headed but giving back attitude on everything you say doesn’t help at all when I’m trying to stay calm and build up the relationship again.

She needs counselling! When I read your op I read that you tried? Don't try just be natural and do there are things that you can do to help with her mh
1 listen without any judgement
2healthy diet
3 no matter what don't get angry
4 always be calm when self harming involved
5 this will be testing although be her emotional punching bag (mum(
6 remind her you are always their for her
Has anything happened to her that you are unaware of? You will both get through this together. Be strong
I seen a physiotherapist many years ago and he told me that mh issues are contagious and that they work like viruses. So please look after your own mh to. When I was told that I worked really hard on my physiosis. Even though I do really suffer its kept at a minimum.

What is the story with her Dad, does sge see him? Has her sister moved out recently or any other movement or changes in the family set up?
My suspicion is it might not be you she's really angry with. Try to hold in your head a fixed image of your daughter as her best nice loveliest human self. Keep that image there regardless of her behaviour, do not take it personally. She is acting out, its in your direction but its not about you, not really. Its about a girl feeling powerless and struggling with a lot of things.
Keep you behaviour as normal as you can, keep your tone pleasant neutral even if she has angered you. Don't go huffy or silent on her or act all hurt and sensitive.
Just be boring old mother, tell her you are there if she needs you and always will be.

Thank you Tomy! Points noted

Sadie9 Biological father is not in the picture since she was a baby. Sister hasn’t moved out, no big changes in the family. I think it’s more related to friends / school than home.

Been through the self harming with my oldest. Never really got to the bottom of why but she sort of grew out of it and it just stopped, along with the massive , violent tantrums and saying really offensive things to provoke a reaction , lasted about 2.5 years in total and started at 13. She’s super happy and confident ever since . I actually was advised to step back from her a bit, let her run her own life and do her own thing. It was difficult. When she did want help I was there when she wanted me to leave her alone I did. In our case it worked and she matured quickly. They aren’t all the same though. And absolutely be careful not to break confidence in the future. I completely stopped telling my mother anything remotely personal when I realised it was doing the rounds among her friends. She even gets the edited version of everything now im 37! I don’t tell her anything I wouldn’t put on Facebook . Try to calm down a bit and not add any further stress to her as she’s clearly going through a lot internally.

Thank you Nats, glad to hear your daughter gree out of it. Light at the end of the tunnel

I have a teenager and the only thing that's helped her during lockdown is martial arts. It's made her resilient and strong and calm and disciplined. Her sister by comparison isn't doing well and has all the opposite qualities, does no exercise and always on her phone. Is there something like this she would be interested in doing? It builds self esteem and gives her a purpose other than schoolwork. I know it's a niche interest but the results I've seen in my daughter have been amazing. The standards they set at the club are amazing and they really drum it home about no drugs drink , don't be disrespectful, you can fail at things.. they teach people with mental and physical health issues. Don't know if suitable for your daughter but def worth looking in to. Alongside all the other suggestions. Big hugs. Teenagers are hard. X

Update, she has made some suicidal comments and police have been involved, they came to check her and as she was fine they left but now we have received a letter from social services.

I love her, I don’t want her to go. We haven’t had any meetings with social services and she’s threatening us, packing her suitcase and saying she doesn’t want to be with us anymore and wants to be taken into care.

We have tried to explain but because I have taken her phone away from her (on schools advice) due to her mental health and her recent charges and behaviour on social media, she is threatening us that she wants to leave. I have not had any experience of social services, will they just take her away because she wants to leave us ?

Her recent searches on websites*

Someone else will be on to advise I'm sure, but social services don't take kids away unless on absolute last resort. It's part of the reason why many vulnerable kids who are monitored by social services sadly die or are injured by their parents - there's a very high bar to take kids into care, a lot of it due to resources being extremely tight and social services themselves being very reluctant to separate kids from their birth family.

She's making all these threats as another attempt to control you and to get her phone etc. back. Stand firm and don't let her manipulate you. Everything you're doing is for her own good even if she doesn't see it that way.

This must be a really worrying time for you OP and I'm sorry you're being put though this Even if she hypothetically went into care temporarily (which sounds extremely unlikely), the change might actually do her some good. No one there will pander to her and perhaps have others around her and a change of environment could help.

If she's making suicide comments, is her mental health team helping to address this?

@BumbleBuzz123 If your daughter is 20, she can legally make her own decisions. If she feels that moving out would improve her mental health, although this isn’t what you want her to do, maybe she should be given the chance to try this - without judgement and whilst you maintain that you are ALWAYS there for her and she can come home anytime.

I see that you got married again. Do you mind me asking how long ago and what kind of relationship she has with him? I mean this very kindly but do you think she could have any issues with him and feel threatened? Anything that could have gone on to make her scared of him? Sometimes children can get angry with other parents for bringing someone new into their life and in abuse cases, sometimes children get angry that the abuse isn’t spotted by their parent - they see that they are allowing it to happen and become very angry and resentful. Not saying this is the case but I’d be very careful, especially as she doesn’t want him to know about her struggles.

Do you have any family she could stay with for a while? It may be good for her to have a change of scenery and perhaps good for your relationship.

Whatever is happening, she is vulnerable and clearly struggling with difficult emotions. Please don’t add to this by making her feel guilty or by letting her see the difficulties you have - again I mean this kindly but children shouldn’t see the struggles their parents have; they should be innocent children until they have to become adults and understand adult problems.

If she hasn’t yet been booked in for counselling, I would be looking to pay for this privately, if possible. She may be very confused about her emotions and being able to talk to someone on neutral ground may help her to process things.

Thank you dateXY yes she proudly says she’s great at manipulating, teachers have got her lying many times & everyone is losing trust in her.

Thanks Rgy it was 11 years ago when I got re married, she doesn’t remember her biological father as he is not in contact. It could be that she’s curious but I have always said to her if you want to know what happened just ask. Counselling sessions to start tomorrow privately since Camhs is taking forever to even reply.

OP social workers will not take her into care just because she doesn't want to live with her mum anymore.
There aren't enough fostering places for dc who really need them.

One thing that is often suggested is that dc stay with another family member while things settle down a bit.

( As a social worker I saw both parents and teenagers who imagined there were care spaces for dc, there really aren't in reality apart from significant abuse situations)

Bumble- when my eldest son went through a horrible phase of self harm/suicidal idealation from 12+ he was allocated a social worker in addition to CAHMS. In his case the extremely challenging and complex behaviours were the start of bi-polar mixed with severe general anxiety disorder. It got so bad he was given the choice of being sectioned or agreeing to be an in-patient in tier4. Hospitalisation, when it finally happened, was the best thing to happen for him. His SW worked with CAHMS and very hard against his then Ed Psych and education funding issues to move him to an Ed Psych he would work with and out of mainstream and into a therepautic hospital school. I recommend Young Minds as a source of support and the book ‘The Explosive Child’ by Ross Greene as parenting a teen can be tough going. Parenting one who has some destructive coping ideas they act on can be even tougher. If it all gets too much you could access Parentline’s phone , they can offer some support for you.

Thank you all

Whilst I understand that she feels betrayed and was tempted to tell you to just give her some space...your updates about manipulation ect...it sounds like she could be in the beginning of developing borderline personality disorder (self harm is common here). Or mental health ilness like bipolar.

I think I would send her some links to these things and ask her if anything sounds familiar. 'If so then I'll leave it up to you to phone your gp and get the ball rolling. Otherwise dont blame me that you have no friends and cant keep a job or a boyfriend when you're grown up. I suggested you do something about it but if you care more about being a bitch to people than looking after your health then that's up to you. Sort your own shit out. Or dont. Whatever'

Basically give her the responsibility. And start being no nosensense but also like her words are 'childish'. Eg: if she says something nasty, you go 'do not speak to me like that' in a bored voice and leave the room. If she goes all drama queen then you go 'drama queen Alert!' And leave the room. Every time she is a dick just make a snarky (but 'I'm bored' sounding) comment and leave. Basically showing her nasty behaviour doesn't get a rise and just makes her look stupid.

If she is pleasant, be pleasent back. But in the way one might be to an acquaintance.

Essentially you are switching the power balance so that she can see you have dropped your bond with her. Not just vice versa. And in time she will feel she has show she is willing to make an effort to fix things between you. When she is ready.