Planning a weekend away with friends

[ByTreetops]

I could do with some thoughts on this please. I haven’t seen my closest friends since pre Covid. We have all had both our vaccinations so want to meet up for a weekend once overnight stays are allowed. Dh thinks I’m selfish but I can’t understand why. When I’m away he will have to look after the kids all weekend (13 and 11) and won’t be able to meet his friends to play golf which is what he usually does - and has really missed.

Can you help me see it from his point of view?

Wow such a sad thread

How old are your DC @Spideyspidey?

If you had to go away for work what would happen?

Who pays for all the things the DC need @Spideyspidey?

Sounds like a completely normal thing to expect of him. I'm going on holiday for 5 days in June, dh going on holiday with his DB for a week sometime over the summer. It's a normal part of parenting. Surely, at 11 & 13, there's not much to do other than make sure they don't burn the house down. He could take them golfing if he wanted!

@Spideyspidey this is very very wrong. A controlling, emotionally abusive , disrespectful wanker is what you're married to.

And op you have every right to go. Take it in turns to do things without each other and with each other. That's how it is supposed to work and anything else is wrong and unfair.

This thread makes me so sad.

I am separated but in my 13 year marriage, myself and exh always had our own time to go things. It was my 30th when our dc were 2 and 9 months old and I went abroad with friends for 5 days. I discussed it with him and it was probably more me who was unsure than he was. He encouraged me to go because I deserved it and I bloody did! He looked after his own children, because he is a grown adult. My parents helped when needed and everyone was alive when I got home and I had a wonderful time. He actually even commented what an amazing job I did as he realised for the first time how hard doing everything is!

We both had nights/weekends away with friends and I think it made us better parents and partners. We also made sure we had time away/out together too though.

Hell would freeze over before I felt I needed to ask permission to do something I wanted to do. Women have come along way since the 1950's.

@ByTreetops just go your dh is a selfish twat and given dcs ages they won’t take much looking after.
@Spideyspidey your dh is an abusive selfish twat and I’d be leaving, he rules by fear and that’s no way for you or your children to live.

@Spideyspidey

It wouldn’t happen, I wouldn’t do it.

Why is stopping you though, the thought of his reaction? The consequences? If you're s seed to do something because you're scared he'd hurt you, either physically or emotionally, that isn't a healthy relationship. It doesn't have to be that he'd hit you, the silent treatment, nasty comments etc are also abusive.

You're not 12, he's not your Dad, it isn't his job to give you permission to do stuff.

OP - your dh is being a selfish pig. You’re not being unreasonable to want a one-off night away whatsoever. Fuck his bloody golf for that weekend...and so what, spoilt twat.

Spidey - I’m so sorry it’s like that. It shouldn’t be.

@Spideyspidey

I wouldn’t be allowed to do this either. My DH plays golf every Saturday and at least two evenings a week in the summer and has done FOREVER. As well as going away for weekends for golf (pre lockdown) and having nights out where he stopped away because too drunk to get back and refused to pay for taxi. I’m not allowed. If I asked he would flat out say no way, not happening. I know this because that’s what happened the only time I ever have asked (pre pandemic) when I wanted one night away with friends for their birthday. So you have my sympathy. My friends seem to be able to just go and do things and I can’t really imagine the freedom of that. They just say, oh yes I went and had a night away and went to the theatre, or yes I had a couple of nights away on a city break. Nope. Doesn’t happen here.

This sounds abusive to me. You don't have to accept a relationship where he tells you what you're allowed to do.

So he is off playing gold EVERY weekend but you aren't allowed to go away for ONE?! I'd be telling him to jog on

@ByTreetops your plan sounds completely reasonable to me. As long as the two of you get roughly equal free time overall.

This is mad that some women/men are not allowed to do things because their partner won’t let them. He is being really selfish. You don’t actually need his permission. Just go. I just tell my husband btw I will be away on these dates he says have fun, the same for him. He asks me if we have anything on the weekend he wants to do something but it’s not asking permission it’s to see if their are clashes and I will move things to accommodate him going away. We are a team and like each other. If it’s not this way it’s not healthy and not “just the way it it’s”.

Can't the kids at 11 and 13 manage in their own whilst he has a round of golf?

@spideyspidey Your dh isn't your owner or keeper, you shouldn't have to ask permission and he shouldn't be controlling you. In a normal relationship, you just say you're going to.

Just tell him "you're not my real dad!" and go anyway.

You get one life. Just one bite at the apple.

@ByTreetops just tell him he has the following weekend to play golf and go away with your friends, he has no right to tell you, you can't go!

@Spideyspidey in the kindest possible way, please grow a backbone and stand up to your husband, I feel incredibly sorry for your children growing up watching this dynamic between their parents as if it's normal. IT IS NOT NORMAL.
You are not doing them any favours, seriously stand up to him or leave, be a good role model to your children and show them this is not how to be treated.

@Spideyspidey he seems to have convinced you that you owe him this lifestyle cos you were a sahm. It benefitted him too. He had the flexibility to build his career without worrying about childcare and he had no childcare costs. Did he even share the finances? Or did he make out it was his money cos he earned it (and ignored the fact he'd have had childcare bills if you had worked)?

God Spidey, you're really resigned to that life aren't you?

I never get emotional really reading things on here but I can feel how down trodden you are by him. Please please just leave him.

I couldn't give a shiny shite if you were a SAHM for 50 years....that's irrelevant and you owe him nothing at all. How awful.

Op - aside from the fact that if you want to go, you should be able to go, how much "looking after" do an 11 year old and a 13 year old actually need? It's not like you're leaving him with a toddler and an under 1 to sort (though even then I'd say fair enough to be honest).

Spidey, just reflecting what other posters said really - what you've described isn't OK and doesn't have to be "just how it is". The fact that you had to psych yourself up to ask whether you could have a night out is in itself shows that all is not well in the relationship.

Fwiw, I have a nearly 3 year old. Pre lockdown, from when ds was a few weeks old, dh went out once a week to see friends, though if ds was teething/being a pickle he would raincheck or come home early. I tended to take ds with me if I went for a meal or something pre 6 months ish because he was happy chilling in his pram and didn't have to worry about bedtime. Other than that, if myself or dh wanted to go out we would just make sure the other one knows to keep it free and off we go. If I wanted an overnight I can't imagine it being an issue and likewise if dh does. We are equal parents.