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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Planning a weekend away with friends

69 replies

ByTreetops · 14/04/2021 21:12

I could do with some thoughts on this please. I haven’t seen my closest friends since pre Covid. We have all had both our vaccinations so want to meet up for a weekend once overnight stays are allowed. Dh thinks I’m selfish but I can’t understand why. When I’m away he will have to look after the kids all weekend (13 and 11) and won’t be able to meet his friends to play golf which is what he usually does - and has really missed.

Can you help me see it from his point of view?

OP posts:
Spideyspidey · 15/04/2021 09:36

There’s no point arguing about it with him.
I’ve been invited to things over the years, with my friends. And it makes me feel anxious because I know I won’t be able to go and then I’ve largely stopped being invited. I can still meet them in the evenings but I couldn’t stop away. So I’ve stopped being invited to stuff that would mean a night away, like a theatre trip, or a spa weekend, or whatever it might be. Then two summers ago my closest friends who have birthdays only two days apart wanted a night out in a city and whilst I could arguably have driven back it would have been much easier to just stop like everyone else was doing. So I summoned up the courage and asked and he said no. 🤷🏼‍♀️
It took me a while to get the courage up.
I knew he’d say no. He was ok with me going and driving back, he said stopping over wasn’t safe. I argued that it was safer than driving back at 2am and more relaxing as I wouldn’t have to worry about parking the car and walking back to it on my own or anything. He got angry and said it wasn’t happening, he wasn’t discussing it anymore.

Flyg · 15/04/2021 09:38

@Spideyspidey please leave him.

OP, I liked the pie chart illustration suggested by a PP. I sincerely hope you go away and enjoy yourself.

Spideyspidey · 15/04/2021 09:39

It’s ok.
I don’t want to be away all the time or anything, it would just be nice to have the option, or to feel like it’s my choice if I go to something or not.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/04/2021 09:41

So he wants to use every one of his weekends for hobbies and you cant use a single one to go away?

Flyg · 15/04/2021 09:42

@Spideyspidey

There’s no point arguing about it with him. I’ve been invited to things over the years, with my friends. And it makes me feel anxious because I know I won’t be able to go and then I’ve largely stopped being invited. I can still meet them in the evenings but I couldn’t stop away. So I’ve stopped being invited to stuff that would mean a night away, like a theatre trip, or a spa weekend, or whatever it might be. Then two summers ago my closest friends who have birthdays only two days apart wanted a night out in a city and whilst I could arguably have driven back it would have been much easier to just stop like everyone else was doing. So I summoned up the courage and asked and he said no. 🤷🏼‍♀️ It took me a while to get the courage up. I knew he’d say no. He was ok with me going and driving back, he said stopping over wasn’t safe. I argued that it was safer than driving back at 2am and more relaxing as I wouldn’t have to worry about parking the car and walking back to it on my own or anything. He got angry and said it wasn’t happening, he wasn’t discussing it anymore.
Does he go out when the kids are still awake? or ever stop out?

You should not need to ask his permission, this is so wrong. He is their parent too and should be able to look after them so you can do somethings on your own. Can you tell him "no not happening" when he makes any social plans? He sounds horrible.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/04/2021 09:43

@Spideyspidey this isn’t just about you. You have DC they are growing up thinking mum can only do what dad tells her she can.

What happens if they want sleepovers/camps are they allowed to attend those?

timeisnotaline · 15/04/2021 09:45

spideyspidey please leave him. It’s not ‘just how it is’, it’s just how he is and you can choose to be part of that and have your dc exposed to that. They won’t miss him- he’s probably never even looked after them.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/04/2021 09:46

Spideyspidey

Awful. No one should need permission from their other half to do stuff like this.

Spideyspidey · 15/04/2021 09:48

The dc would be ok to go away overnight.
He’s often out in the evenings at golf but then when I was a sahm I suppose I had more time in the week free than he did. I think that’s how he saw it, that as I was at home in the week all my time was free, even though I had dd so although I’m not suggesting it was as hard as working it wasn’t my ‘free time.’ I couldn’t go off and do yoga or meet a friend and chat easily or anything like that.
Now I’m at work I just get very little time. I wouldn’t be allowed overnight. One of my friends was taking about an outdoor music festival and it’s about an hour and a half away and we’d need to stop (if allowed at that point) but there’s no point asking.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/04/2021 09:52

Why do you need to ask. If it is not a golf night so you know he should be in, tell him.

I would always check with DH if going away just to ensure no diary clashes etc but unless I was doing it excessively or funds were tight there would be no way he would say no (same works in reverse too if he wants to go out)

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2021 09:52

@Spideyspidey

It’s ok. I don’t want to be away all the time or anything, it would just be nice to have the option, or to feel like it’s my choice if I go to something or not.
The issue isn't going away. The issue is being in a controlling relationship with a man who uses anger to control you.

I know it's easy for strangers to say ltb, but please consider that your relationship isn't typical or normal or healthy and you deserve so much better.

@ByTreetops just go.

Flyg · 15/04/2021 09:52

Just fucking go. Whats he going to do? Call the police because hes been left to look after his own child?

Leave him, this is your one and only life, he is not in control of it.

Flyg · 15/04/2021 09:53

My last post was @spidey not the OP.

Spideyspidey · 15/04/2021 09:57

We have two dc - he’s never done bedtime for either of them.
It’s not ideal feeling that I am not allowed to do things but I don’t know any differently. It’s normal for me. I can’t imagine being able to just say I’ve been invited to do x, will you be around for the dc?
DH hasn’t often gone away with friends, maybe pre pandemic it was twice a year? But it does include four or five nights abroad several times.
I went away on a Hen weekend to Dublin pre having the children but I know I wouldn’t be able to now.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/04/2021 10:01

What does he do with the DC?

Why is he allowed to go away and you are not @Spideyspidey?

Spideyspidey · 15/04/2021 10:02

I don’t know, it’s just that way. He gets to do what he wants. It’s partly also because he had all the money when I was a sahm. Now I could afford these things but I still wouldn’t be able to go.

ineedaholidaynow · 15/04/2021 10:03

Can you see how wrong this is @Spideyspidey?

bellsbuss · 15/04/2021 10:05

@Spideyspidey reading your posts have left me feeling sad and angry for you. I think your mistake was in asking him instead of saying this is what I'm doing if that makes sense. I always say to OH I'm planning on doing something and check that he will be home to have the children. If it's a night away thing and he has plans for part of the time then I arrange child care for the time he isn't home. I wouldn't tell him he couldn't go anywhere so I expect the same back. Next time just tell him and if he says no say I wasn't asking your permission , you don't ask my permission so why the hell do you think I need to ask yours. I'm not one for saying LTB but if he doesn't change then your life will be miserable.

Flyg · 15/04/2021 10:06

Leave him. My ex was not as bad as yours sounds, but he was selfish and going out for me was always frowned upon and i was made to feel bad so i avoided seeing friends. He would go out as much as he liked and evern started not coming home some nights because he was so drunk. That was when i'd had enough (there were other factors). He also did a stag do away, something id never have dreamed of doing.

Fast forward 2 years and ive left him, so when he isnt working away (which he does roughly 50% of the time) he has the kids 2 nights in the week and every saturday night til sunday tea time. And i have that time free to make plans and see friends or just to be alone crying tears of pure joy that i dont live under his lockdown anymore.

LTB. You'll never regret it and he does not deserve you x

SleepingStandingUp · 15/04/2021 10:07

@Spideyspidey

I don’t know, it’s just that way. He gets to do what he wants. It’s partly also because he had all the money when I was a sahm. Now I could afford these things but I still wouldn’t be able to go.
So what would happen if you called from a night out and said I don't want to drive home, I'll see you tomorrow @Spideyspidey? Or if you told him upfront I'm away tonight?
Oldbutstillgotit · 15/04/2021 10:18

@ Spideyspidey

What would happen if you got ready , shouted a cheery “ see you tomorrow “ and left the house ?

Spideyspidey · 15/04/2021 10:23

It wouldn’t happen, I wouldn’t do it.

TheTeenageYears · 15/04/2021 10:25

@Spideyspidey your posts are heartbreaking- it really is no way to live. What was the setup in your house growing up? I'm concerned that so many people are saying this isn't okay but you seem to think it's fine. If DH had all the money when you were a SAHM then that was likely to be financial abuse. Do you want your DC to think this is normal? It's not and you are doing them a disservice by normalising DH's behaviour. If you can't change the dynamics of your relationship or leave for your own sake then do it for theirs. This is not okay.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 15/04/2021 10:32

@Spideyspidey

It wouldn’t happen, I wouldn’t do it.
You know your DC are likely to grow up and repeat this right?

Your sons refusing their wives permission to do anything....your daughters finding themselves in relationships which mirror yours, stuck in unable to socialise.

Spideyspidey · 15/04/2021 10:33

It’s not fine but I don’t really know any differently and I feel like nothing is perfect.
It would have made my life very different if DH had been a more equal parent but maybe he feels if I’d been earning when the dc were small it would have made his life very different. I didn’t unilaterally decide to be a sahm but maybe he found carrying all the financial burden hard. He certainly made a lot of comments around me having all the free time because I wasn’t at work and sometimes if he asked me to do something or get something for him and I’d got plans that day he’d make a remark about not realising my time was so important and busy.