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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is my husband playing mind games?

45 replies

Lullaby88 · 14/04/2021 21:05

I think i'm going mad or is it really my husband?
So ever since I have been with him there are subtle slithers of things he does that makes me question my abilities. Because i have spent so much time with him lockdown it has become more apparent.
A really small example is iv made some dessert I gave some to my friends and my Mum who is very honest and she rang to tell me how much she loved it, my friends asked for the recipe too. I served a portion to my husband and felt really excited to see how much he would like it. I mean even I loved it. And sat there in silence eating it looking abit off then i said well? What do u think and he said hmm its quite heavy. And just went dead silent eating it. It actually hurt me as id put so much effort into it and i said oh ok. And the room was just silent. Yet when someone like his mum or mates wife has done something and not to be funny its sometimes tasteless he raves and says wow this is really nice!
Another example is iv been painting and he laughs at my paintings or wont say much even tho i think they look nice. So i got a few opinions as i felt i had so much confidence in my abilites and he crushed it. Friends were wowed. Im just so confused? I feel like i dont move forward with things because hes always lingering over me.
Hes not always like this though, he does compliment me and says nice things too, like how he sees me as a prson and he supports me in my goals so mayb he was just being honest? But it actually does hurt and i dont know if its me being too sensitive around his opinions?

OP posts:

FrankButchersDickieBow · 14/04/2021 21:13

He sounds cruel and jealous to be honest. Laughing at the art you created is such a shit thing to do.

Yes. I do think he is playing mind games, with the sole intention of making you feel like shit.

RosesandPumpkins · 14/04/2021 21:14

Did you tell him how it made you feel? This sounds like something my partner would say. He probably thought you wanted an opinion (you did) and he gave you one. It just wasn’t what you wanted to hear.
Why does his validation mean so much to you when friends and family and even you like the dessert? So what if he didn’t love it?

StormBaby · 14/04/2021 21:18

He’s trying to keep you small and quiet so you don’t realise you are better than him.

Original poster

Lullaby88 · 14/04/2021 21:20

I do value his opinion quite a lot yes. And what he says does impact my mood and my confidence in my abilities. So does that now make this an issue about my own self esteem?

OP posts:

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 14/04/2021 21:26

That’s just mean. Doesn’t matter how self confident you are if the person who’s supposed to love you laughs at your creations and says mean things about your cooking. Especially when others have said good things, so you know you’re not deluded!

EarthSight · 14/04/2021 21:26

It's difficult to say. I think you want his approval and appreciation and that's just natural.

However, regarding your art, you will really need to develop your own confidence regarding this that is independent of what anyone else thinks or feels. I'm sort of in the art world and I've seen hundreds of absolutely awful, naff paintings receiving lots of heart eye emojis, and OH MY GOD IT'S AMAZING!!!! type of comments. Badly drawn unicorns and New Age looking Native American paintings. Then there's the pencil drawings of relatives or celebrities that have eyes pointing in different directions or that don't really look like the person. Behind the hundreds of paintings that I've seen like this, I'm sure many of them have kind relatives who say their work looks brill, who are giving them a thumbs up towards a career that I know with a bit of certainty will never materialise for them. Sad but true. It's nice to get good comments on my own artwork, nice to get positivity and encouragement, but I take it with a massive pinch of salt because of what I've seen. You kind of have to develop a thick skin and carry on regardless, carry on because you enjoy it.

I feel like i dont move forward with things because hes always lingering over me

If you mean you can't move forward because his lack of support or disapproval bothers you, then I sympathize with that. Is he like that with everything you do? Is it always negative?

Insomnia5 · 14/04/2021 21:29

Ok, it’s not the fact that he dislikes stuff that everyone else likes that stood out for me, it’s the way he goes about telling you. So instead of saying ‘I don’t really like it’ and putting the dessert to one side, or ‘I’m not keen on this really’ but continuing to eat it like a normal person, he’s sat there acting pissy with a face on him trying to create a horrible atmosphere over a bowl of pudding. He sounds a bit abusive and sadistic, he knows he’s putting you on edge and he’s enjoying it.

EarthSight · 14/04/2021 21:29

@Lullaby88

I do value his opinion quite a lot yes. And what he says does impact my mood and my confidence in my abilities. So does that now make this an issue about my own self esteem?

Not quite. It's speaks more of your character maybe and your connection to him. I don't think there's anything wrong with that necessarily. What kind of person are you? Would you say you're positive, nurturing, sensitive to other people's moods, maybe a people pleaser?

EarthSight · 14/04/2021 21:32

@Insomnia5

Yeah I would also say he'd dealing with it badly - intentional or otherwise. The silence is either terrible awkwardness or him basically sulking from the disappointment of a pudding he doesn't like! The poor diddums!!!

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 14/04/2021 21:37

he does compliment me and says nice things too, like how he sees me as a prson and he supports me in my goals

Words are wind. What does he do to demonstrate that he supports you?

Original poster

Lullaby88 · 14/04/2021 21:41

Im generally a positive person and i show encouragement to people around to keep going. That's why my husbands behaviour seems quite alien to me? It also pisses me off when the neighbour sends a pudding and he sits there going mmmmm this is so goood.
Yes i agree the way he goes about it is annoying. Licking the spoon whilst saying its too heavy. Hes really pissed me off massively. Iv just come away from him saying im tired because its just weird making a massive deal over a pudding plus im just too tired to make a fuss off it.

I agree with post about the art work it is very individual and mayb i see the things he cant because he doesnt have the brain to see art and how things are blended etc he isnt a very deep person in that sense. And yes it might even be naff lol each to their own.

OP posts:

Regularsizedrudy · 14/04/2021 21:41

Even if your dessert was horrible and your paintings were terrible, (I’m sure they aren’t) he’s your husband! He’s supposed to praise and encourage you. He sounds horrible and jealous.

Templetreebalm · 14/04/2021 21:44

He enjoys putting you down.
Its a deliberate tactic to make you feel shit but also question yourself and ability.
Nasty and manipulative

I0NA · 14/04/2021 21:44

I agree that laughing at your paintings is horrid. I understand @EarthSights point, but surely there’s a middle group group between saying “ oh that’s amazing, you should be a professional “ and laughing?

Original poster

Lullaby88 · 14/04/2021 21:45

@evenmorefuriousvexation hes supported me in the past career wise. He's actually quite successful so i value his thought in applications and things. I know he wants to see me successful in my goals so im confused why he has this behaviour time to time. Could it be resentment towards me?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2021 21:45

Both of those things are subjective though. Just because one person likes your dessert, it doesn’t mean everyone would. Unless you think he’s doing it deliberately to bring you down or be mean to you then you’re being a bit oversensitive

Queenoftheashes · 14/04/2021 21:49

It sounds like he is being a dick to you on purpose. He knows you so he knows it will hurt you. Therefore that is why he is doing it.

Also... what was the dessert you made?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/04/2021 21:50

In those two examples, it doesn't sound like he is playing mind games to me. You ask him for an opinion, and he gives what sounds like an honest one. Both of those things- art and food are very subjective, and yes you may have put a lot of work in but that doesnt actually mean they are to his taste. You seem to want praise from him for trying, rather than an honest opinion of the final product.

Although if he was like this with absolutely everything, then yes constant criticism isn't healthy. But neither is going in a mood because you asked someone for their honest opinion and it didn't match yours.

Bobbiebigbum · 14/04/2021 21:52

He sounds jealous.

SappysCurry · 14/04/2021 21:53

I bet your dessert was delicious - this is so sad somehow, you sound like a lovely creative and kind person and like he does not deserve your consideration. Even if that was the best thing in the world ever made he still would have put you down - he just sounds like a nasty little piece of work. I’m so sorry, next time keep the nice food for yourself 🌺

JustAnotherOldMan · 14/04/2021 22:04

@Shoxfordian

Yep, agree with this

EarthSight · 14/04/2021 22:08

@Lullaby88

Im generally a positive person and i show encouragement to people around to keep going. That's why my husbands behaviour seems quite alien to me? It also pisses me off when the neighbour sends a pudding and he sits there going mmmmm this is so goood. Yes i agree the way he goes about it is annoying. Licking the spoon whilst saying its too heavy. Hes really pissed me off massively. Iv just come away from him saying im tired because its just weird making a massive deal over a pudding plus im just too tired to make a fuss off it.

Some of my own work could be naff to some people OP. Just plough on!

I'd be more worried about mind-gaming, passive aggressive behavior designed to wind you up and make you feel insecure than anything else. If you want to stay with him, try this - the next time you cook something, like a pudding, and he does his pouting/silent routine.........don't faff. Don't ask him what he thinks. Don't ask him if he's ok. Don't even look interested. Talk about something else or make an excuse and leave the room so you are no longer an audience member to this show. Don't be there to witness it and don't allow him to follow you about the house so you can watch him sulking.

Some of this might be childish, performative sulking he's learnt as a kid and he's kept doing it because it gets him the results he wants. We obviously don't know him as a person, but if he is the performative sulking type and he manages to keep that up for hours, then that's something to watch out for in future. Not a good sign.

EarthSight · 14/04/2021 22:11

[quote Lullaby88]@evenmorefuriousvexation hes supported me in the past career wise. He's actually quite successful so i value his thought in applications and things. I know he wants to see me successful in my goals so im confused why he has this behaviour time to time. Could it be resentment towards me?[/quote]
Not necessarily. Some people are just quite critical generally - towards themselves too.

EarthSight · 14/04/2021 22:14

@I0NA

I agree that laughing at your paintings is horrid. I understand *@EarthSights* point, but surely there’s a middle group group between saying “ oh that’s amazing, you should be a professional “ and laughing?

@I0NA Yeah that's true

Maybe he's just one of those people who really don't consider their audience and how their comments or reactions come off to others. That's the kindest interpretation I think :/

expectopelargonium · 14/04/2021 22:16

@Lullaby88

I do value his opinion quite a lot yes. And what he says does impact my mood and my confidence in my abilities. So does that now make this an issue about my own self esteem?

You value his opinion too much.

He know that what he says impacts your mood and your confidence. Yet he goes out of his way to say negative things when he knows you will take them to heart and be hurt by them. That's nasty. Very nasty.

It isn't your self-esteem that's the problem. He seems to get some sort of kick out of undermining you, belittling your achievements and making you feel worthless.

Away from him, and your self-esteem would improve dramatically.

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