Is my husband playing mind games?

[Lullaby88]

I think i'm going mad or is it really my husband?
So ever since I have been with him there are subtle slithers of things he does that makes me question my abilities. Because i have spent so much time with him lockdown it has become more apparent.
A really small example is iv made some dessert I gave some to my friends and my Mum who is very honest and she rang to tell me how much she loved it, my friends asked for the recipe too. I served a portion to my husband and felt really excited to see how much he would like it. I mean even I loved it. And sat there in silence eating it looking abit off then i said well? What do u think and he said hmm its quite heavy. And just went dead silent eating it. It actually hurt me as id put so much effort into it and i said oh ok. And the room was just silent. Yet when someone like his mum or mates wife has done something and not to be funny its sometimes tasteless he raves and says wow this is really nice!
Another example is iv been painting and he laughs at my paintings or wont say much even tho i think they look nice. So i got a few opinions as i felt i had so much confidence in my abilites and he crushed it. Friends were wowed. Im just so confused? I feel like i dont move forward with things because hes always lingering over me.
Hes not always like this though, he does compliment me and says nice things too, like how he sees me as a prson and he supports me in my goals so mayb he was just being honest? But it actually does hurt and i dont know if its me being too sensitive around his opinions?

He’s undermining you. It’s designed to make you feel small and unsure. So he feels like the big man who can jerk your puppet strings and make you feel however he wants you to.

Start by not caring. A breezy “Well, I love it and so does everyone else!”

And then move towards ending the relationship.

Like many others, I also think he’s being deliberately nasty.

If I made a good/okay dessert my DH would sing its praises and be encouraging. If it was crap, he would tease me about it and we would laugh over it.

I find this very hard to say what it is.

Friends when asked will very likely give you a positive response especially for something like food you've prepared or something you've created . Wouldn't you do the same in reverse.

So these things are very likely very good but I wouldn't take you're friends or mums response as absolute. I mean most mums always think your children's things are the best whatever age.

Does your H sometimes compliment a dish or sometimes say he thinks a painting is good ? If he never compliments anything you do then that's an issue.

If you are constantly looking for his approval that's also an issue.

If he is not complimenting your art to hold you back that's an issue.

If he never compliments you that's an issue.

From what you've said it's impossible to say

He's keeping you 'in your place' - it's up to you whether you allow this to hurt you or not. I'd tell him to fuck right off!

@Shoxfordian

Both of those things are subjective though. Just because one person likes your dessert, it doesn’t mean everyone would. Unless you think he’s doing it deliberately to bring you down or be mean to you then you’re being a bit oversensitive

I agree with this too, it's very subjective.

Have you ever watched portrait artist of the year? Some of the paintings are shockingly awful IN MY OPINION but they get chosen as the best one 😂

And Prue and Paul on BBO sometimes disagree on taste of stuff

If he's otherwise supportive then maybe he's just not got much tact when he doesn't like something, and is hard critic

I'd like to believe he is just being honest. But there are some posts that say hes being nasty deliberatly. Im not sure which one hence i posted here and iv got a mix of opinions ! Confused!
As a post has asked does he ever compliment me at all? Yes he does, he has complimented my food in the past but im beginning to think he does this thing on purpose as i now recall once he was slightly pissed off with me and id made something for dinner that he liked. I thought it was bang on, and he sat there gobbling it (pissed me off) and didnt say a word. And i said well? Do u hav anything to say? Even a thanks? He said its alright. And later he told me he really enjoyed it but just said it was 'alright' because i had pissed him off earlier. Theres more to it maybe?

I would have taken the pudding and tipped it in the bin. He’s being a twat, god knows why. Have you asked why he’s being such an arsehole?

No i didnt because im shattered and just cba starting an argument so i just came up to be away from him.

One of my teenagers is keen on art and does lots of paintings. They are really bad.

So when she asks me what I think, I say things like

Tell me about it .
I see you’ve chosen a different subject this time.
Tell me why you chose these colours.
I like [ whatever part of it I do like].
I think you are trying to create [ whatever] feeling / atmospheres is that right?
How do you think the perspective works here?

Etc etc etc

I would never EVER laugh because I love her and that would hurt her terribly. I’m pleased that she’s doing art, it brings her pleasure and allows her to express a different side of herself. It’s about the process as much as the outcome.

I want her to do it MORE - not shut her down and make her feel small.

I love her and want to build her up, not crush her spirit.

You can still be honest but kind and encouraging.

As you've said he admitted he did it deliberately when he was annoyed at you, he sounds manipulative to me. It sounds like he's found a great way to upset you and make you feel like shit. He's aware of it in my opinion.
Do you play games like this with him? Doubt it. First step is to never let him see it get to you. But next step is to avoid him.

It's good that he has supported you in reaching career goals. And ultimately in a marriage or any relationship, practical/emotional/financial support IS, to my mind, more important than always praising everything you do.

I wonder if there's a part of him which thinks that creative pursuits are somehow frivolous or unworthy? Or there might be a bit of resentment with him thinking "Huh, it's alright for you, you can faff about making puddings like you're on Bake Off while I've been working/commuting/looking after the kids, when do I get the time for that?"

At a guess I would say that the people who say he is being deliberately nasty have experienced abuse in relationships so know a nasty undermining piece of work when the see one.
The point about food, art etc being subjective is true. But a loving partner would say eg the pudding is so light, tasty or whatever but just not my cup of tea. IE they would give you honest, but positive feedback. Or they would eat it and tell you it's lovely even if they didn't really think so, because they care about your feelings. Same with the art.

For what it's worth, I think he's a nasty undermining piece of work who wants to pull you down to make himself feel better. Do you want that from the one person who's supposed to love you and always have your back? You know something's wrong OP and you're right. You deserve better

I think I'd give him a pass on the pudding - it was a bit twatty but 'a bit heavy' isn't precisely the same as 'it wasn't very nice' or even 'I didn't like it'. Was it supposed to be heavy, like a spotted dick or something, or more in the pavlova line?
The art is another thing altogether. It doesn't matter if you've done a picture of Prince Philip and Lady Di walking arm-in-arm over the rainbow bridge, in gel pens - it's nasty to laugh. He can eff off with that bollocks.

Argh just wrote a long answer.

Basically I value honesty even if I am diplomatic myself. I love that my boyfriend is honest with the good and the bad.

But food and art is subjective and there is no universally pleasing dish or piece of art so you have to be confident in your own taste and not let what other people think bother you.

If he’s told you something is alright in the past that he knew to be excellent, I wouldn’t put this past him.

Laughing is very cruel, totally horrible behaviour.

He enjoys taking the wind out of your sails.

I’m very sorry you are experiencing this sort of maliciousness.

Insecure little fool is lucky to be getting any puddings at all. It’s thank you or shut up. Idiot.

I’d knock that on the head if I were you. He’s your husband - he’s supposed to be your cheerleader. Next time he behaves like that, take up the dessert and fuck it into the bin. Smile and say sorry that you subjected him to that ‘heavy’ dessert.
As you can guess, this kind of thing angers me quite a bit Especially coupled with the over egging of other people’s achievements.
No, if he can’t be kind to the person he should be kindest to, you may have to teach him.
Also op, if it feels harsh and critical to you, then it is harsh and critical. Don’t stand for it, it’s not nice.

He doesn't want you to get too big for your boots so he is cutting you down to size.

Not nice.

OP do you expect praise or compliments for every meal you make, or every painting you do?

I can't workout out if he is being an arse or whether you're sat there watching every bite he eats with an expectant look on your face

My Mr doesn't like everything I cook/bake so tells me and I either take it on board or ignore him.

I draw and paint, it's a continuous learning curve. I don't show him, well anything really, he sees stuff as it's around. But again he doesn't like everything I create.

I don't understand or like everything he does or enjoys.

So there we are. Try and not let it wind you up and carry on enjoying painting and baking.

My suspicion would be that he knows which things really matter to you and those are the ones he picks on to bring you down. If you want to test this out, play a few things down or just say nothing and see what happens. Or big up something random that you don’t care about and see what he does then.