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Original poster

would you end a relationship over this? am i being unreasonable?

49 replies

NotMyBuscuit · 14/04/2021 16:29

I’m a few months in to a relationship now (known him slightly longer than this as messaged a while before meeting).

From the start he made it clear his working week was very busy working late. He’s high up and responsible for management of staff too so this adds to paperwork outside work including HR matters. Basically it’s busy and I know this is true, he will often get home at 8/9.

We’ve met every weekend for months. It’s nice, I love seeing him, he drives to me and vice versa. But whenever I have mentioned coming over in the week he just shuts down! It’s like he actually can’t see how it would work, he’ll say he will be tired, he might be back late, he won’t be good company. All of this I get but how can we progress a relationship if I never see him tired or moody?!

I feel like we are 14 and meeting up for sleepovers at weekends.

He’s not married before anyone asks, just very regimented in his daily life.

I am at the point now where I want to call time on it as i don’t want to force him into week night dates. But how can I see this as a relationship unless we progress from weekend only time together? Am I being unreasonable? Dated so long to find someone I liked and now I have it seems stuck.

OP posts:
MazekeenSmith · 14/04/2021 16:31

If you want weeknight dates that's your choice but I wouldn't be chucking away a decent relationship over this.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 14/04/2021 16:33

Have you posted about this before?

Silverfly · 14/04/2021 16:33

This wouldn't bother me personally - I'd be fine with only meeting up at weekends. But if it's a red line for you, then better to end things now than waste time on it.

4PawsGood · 14/04/2021 16:35

How do bank holidays and annual leave go?

Suzi888 · 14/04/2021 16:35

YABU
Can you go to him instead? If he has to work 9-9 in a stressful job then he’s right - he won’t be good company! What about annual leave though? Does he take any time off?

Original poster
NotMyBuscuit · 14/04/2021 16:35

Hmm was expecting people to be on my side here! Haha.

Maybe I am being hasty then. I think after a few months it seems strange to have regimented once a week meet ups. Like I am the weekend girl who is not part of his daily life.

OP posts:
Pebbledashery · 14/04/2021 16:36

I think you went into the relationship knowing this and now you want to start seeing him week nights.. I don't think it's very fair as he's made it very clear to you from the off set that he's busy in the week. I wouldn't want to see someone that wouldn't be emotionally available or present whilst I was there in the week imposing myself.. It's a waste of time for everyone.

Original poster
NotMyBuscuit · 14/04/2021 16:36

@Suzi888 I would go to him, never expected him to drive after work.

@4PawsGood bank holidays we meet as usual so no change there

OP posts:
osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 16:37

You can't progress the relationship. He wants a weekend thing. That's totally acceptable. And it would be to plenty of women who don't want to see a person tired or moody. But you're not one of those women. So you're not compatible. He's allowed to have that boundary. And you're allowed to say this doesn't work for me and move on.

HotPenguin · 14/04/2021 16:39

Maybe you aren't compatible? He's obviously happy with a weekend only relationship, you're not. Ok think its fair enough for you to end it on that basis. I think many people wouldn't be happy with a relationship like that.

user1493413286 · 14/04/2021 16:39

I wonder how it’ll progress if you don’t spend any weeknights together; I wouldn’t be hasty in splitting up over it but would he never want to live together based on that? Or would you go from never seeing each other in the week to living together?

harknesswitch · 14/04/2021 16:39

It wouldn't bother me at all. With that kind of role, you do work ridiculous hours and it's stressful. When I was in a senior role I didn't really have time for anything but work. Tbh I'm surprised enough has time on weekends.

It's up to you if weekends aren't enough.

user1497787065 · 14/04/2021 16:39

What is the distance between his home and work and your home?

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 16:42

@NotMyBuscuit

Hmm was expecting people to be on my side here! Haha.

Maybe I am being hasty then. I think after a few months it seems strange to have regimented once a week meet ups. Like I am the weekend girl who is not part of his daily life.

Can you imagine the responses if a woman posted that she wanted a weekend only relationship, made this clear when she started dating this guy, and he kept trying to force or manipulate her into bending that boundary because he wanted to 'progress the relationship'? She'd be told to run for the hills
Original poster
NotMyBuscuit · 14/04/2021 16:44

It’s about an hour, maybe a bit less.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotMyBuscuit · 14/04/2021 16:44

Maybe I’m being over the top then. I don’t know...I just feel an extra night a week makes it progress more

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 14/04/2021 16:47

Nah, this wouldn't suit me so I'd end it. Imagine the relationship if you moved in or married him, had kids together - you'd be left to do everything if he works all hours. Find someone who isn't married to their job.

heartandheart · 14/04/2021 16:48

I feel like you both want different things from the relationship. After 7 months I'd expect it to progress too. He might just be happy with how things are... in which case... maybe it's not going to get any more serious? I think it's up to you to decide whether you're happy with that or not.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 14/04/2021 16:50

@NotMyBuscuit

Maybe I’m being over the top then. I don’t know...I just feel an extra night a week makes it progress more
He doesn't want that. Why are you not respecting this? He's given you his boundaries. If these don't work for you, then you move on, not try to cajole him into moving his boundaries.
KurtWilde · 14/04/2021 16:52

You say a few months in, how many months? Maybe he thinks it's too soon to be thinking about how it'll work as you progress and is clearly happy with things as they are. Personally wouldn't bother me, as I'm also only available when DC are at their dads which tends to be a weekend. But if it doesn't work for you going forward then perhaps a conversation about how it might pan out down the line?

edwinbear · 14/04/2021 16:52

I work long hours, in a stressful, senior job. Weeks nights wouldn't be for me either, especially not if you're an hour away from each other. There is never a guarantee what time I will be finished so I couldn't commit to definite times and I'm no good for anything when I get home. It's still relatively new, I'd cut him some slack, he sounds pretty good otherwise.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2021 16:52

It sounds to me as though this arrangement is all he wants, and it seems you want a lot more. You're not compatible, and the fact that he won't ever be flexible is a red flag to me. At the beginning of a relationship I would think he would want to break the "rules", even just a little bit in order to see you.

thelegohooverer · 14/04/2021 16:52

Hmmm, I married a man who worked long hours and had heavy work commitments. But we sort of fell into sleeping over with each other, and then into living together. It wasn’t particularly planned; we just hated saying goodbye to each other. There was no such thing as a weekday date per se. Sometimes I was asleep before he got home, and we’d just have the pleasure of waking up together.

I’m definitely an oddity, in that I’d drift along being single forever, and I only ended up married because dh really wanted more of my company (and he’s lovely).

It sounds rather difficult and regimented, and this business of progressing and stages feels very formal. Surely it’s as simple as you want to be together or you don’t? It doesn’t sound like he wants any more really. If that’s not enough for you, then it might be time to reconsider the relationship.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 14/04/2021 16:54

I wouldn't have a problem with this, if I was younger and wanted kids eventually then maybe I would. But I think as you get older your idea relationship model changes. I have a stressful job, I've been working since 8, haven't taken lunch and probably won't finish til 7 or 8 if I want to clear my desk so to speak. All I'll be fit for after that is a glass of red a quick meal, shower and bed. Couldn't think of anything worse than having to talk to or entertain someone, before going to bed and doing it all again. But then I'm in my 40s have been single 4 years, love living alone and like my life how it is. I think he is happy with things how they are too, it doesn't sound like he wants to move it forward to anywhere else and that's fine, nothing wrong with that.

I don't think that being in a relationship means it has to meet milestones at certain time frames if it works how it is why change it. But, on the other hand it doesn't mean you wanting that progression is wrong either.

It sounds like you will eventually want something he doesn't want to or isn't able to give you.

Honeyroar · 14/04/2021 16:55

How many months are you into this relationship? If 3 months then it’s probably too early to expect mid week meets up, if 8-10 months in then I’d be more on your side. But I think you’re right to worry that you’re possibly being compartmentalised into a weekend fun person. How serious is he otherwise? Does he seem keen? Ever talk about about the future? Holidays together etc?

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