would you end a relationship over this? am i being unreasonable?

[NotMyBuscuit]

I’m a few months in to a relationship now (known him slightly longer than this as messaged a while before meeting).

From the start he made it clear his working week was very busy working late. He’s high up and responsible for management of staff too so this adds to paperwork outside work including HR matters. Basically it’s busy and I know this is true, he will often get home at 8/9.

We’ve met every weekend for months. It’s nice, I love seeing him, he drives to me and vice versa. But whenever I have mentioned coming over in the week he just shuts down! It’s like he actually can’t see how it would work, he’ll say he will be tired, he might be back late, he won’t be good company. All of this I get but how can we progress a relationship if I never see him tired or moody?!

I feel like we are 14 and meeting up for sleepovers at weekends.

He’s not married before anyone asks, just very regimented in his daily life.

I am at the point now where I want to call time on it as i don’t want to force him into week night dates. But how can I see this as a relationship unless we progress from weekend only time together? Am I being unreasonable? Dated so long to find someone I liked and now I have it seems stuck.

I'm on your side! But I wouldn't be interested in someone who was so rigid, really. He's compartmentalising, isn't he?

Sounds perfect - space and time to yourself and a fun companion at the weekends. But I appreciate not everyone wants to live like that.

This was my best friend - but the other way around. She was the high-flying workaholic. And still is. Weekdays just didn't work for meet ups. An hour or just over between them. Him not a workaholic and ok job but not a highflyer. And not spring chickens. Mid 40s. He'd never been married before, she had but a long time ago. It'll be their third wedding anniversary soon!

If you care enough, you'll make it work. She hasn't changed. She still works silly hours. She always will. So living in the same house doesn't actually mean being in the same place all the time. And it doesn't matter.

@Moondust001

This was my best friend - but the other way around. She was the high-flying workaholic. And still is. Weekdays just didn't work for meet ups. An hour or just over between them. Him not a workaholic and ok job but not a highflyer. And not spring chickens. Mid 40s. He'd never been married before, she had but a long time ago. It'll be their third wedding anniversary soon!

If you care enough, you'll make it work. She hasn't changed. She still works silly hours. She always will. So living in the same house doesn't actually mean being in the same place all the time. And it doesn't matter.

Make it work how? By trying to get him to throw out his boundaries to suit another person? He's made it clear he doesn't want week night meet ups. She does. Neither of them is wrong, but it makes them incompatible. You can't force someone into doing something they don't want just because you want them to .

I'm madly busy at work and totally wiped out when I get home there is no way i'd want to meet anyone during the week as I go to bed early.
I can't see whats wrong with weekend only meetups at this stage of a relationship.

Oh for god's sake, she isnt forcing him or manipulating him. She just asked him. It is ok to change what you want from a situation and ask your partner about it.

If it is not working for you OP then it is not working. You don't need to put up with anything (even if he did initially tell you he worked long hours) or justify anything.

When you say weekend is that one night or the whole weekend? How is the rest of the relationship?

My new boyfriend is working away at the moment but he’ll spend most weekends with me Friday night - Sunday night and we’ve booked a UK holiday, met friends, planning to meet family, so despite the fact I only see him on weekends at the moment, it definitely feels like it’s going somewhere.

It wouldn't be a deal breaker for me but if it is for you then that's all that matters.

It wouldn’t bother me.

My partner worked long hours when we met, he was also completing qualifications so needed revision time. We rarely saw each other in the werk after work, we would sometimes manage a quick lunch time date. He also isn’t a night owl, so if he got here for 7pm he’d be leaving at about 8:45pm.

Now we live together its fine as he can just relax, go to bed when we wants etc, when you’re in someone elses home there is more pressure to entertain etc.

I think I would have another discussion about this as you want to progress and he doesn’t. You might be wasting your time here x

What's the long term prospects?
Could one of you move?

What are his long term career plans? Are these long hours standard and will carry on for years?

In a way I agree with him, after a long day at work I come home and only have time to bath, eat, do a few admin bits and sleep. I can't be entertaining anyone, I just don't have the energy.

Weekends only would suit me too.

I have a demanding job and often have to work in the evenings when I don't, I just want to chill on my own or get an early night.

I wouldn't take a relationship less seriously because of it but I have ended one's where its clear the other person would like to see me more. I just don't have the capacity to on a regular basis. Now and again, yes, but I have found 'now and again' sets a precedent they can't cope with not becoming a regular thing.

I'm too beat on the weekdays to do anything so I don't really see a point of meeting up during the weekday. Weekends would be fine. But I didn't always feel like that, in my youth I would've wanted more time, but now I see weekday evening as time to wind down and get prepped for the next day. Nothing would be going on that would warrant a sleepover as we would literally only be sleeping together which is not something I need to do to feel close to someone.

As someone who has a job that absolutely takes every waking minute in the week try to be understanding. He wants to see you when he can spend quality time with you. So I think you are being unreasonable. Cut him some slack

@osbertthesyrianhamster Make it work how? By trying to get him to throw out his boundaries to suit another person? He's made it clear he doesn't want week night meet ups. She does. Neither of them is wrong, but it makes them incompatible. You can't force someone into doing something they don't want just because you want them to hmm.

Where on earth did I say any of that? I simply didn't.

What I actually said was that my friends were in exactly the same position and they made it work - I didn't suggest that the OP try to force him to change, nor that he change for her - or the other way around either. What I said was that these types of relationships can work out, it did for my friend, and that if you want it to work then you can find a way. It depends how much two people want to make it work. My friends are married and live together - but her job means that even if they are both in the house he often doesn't see her in the evening on weekdays, or barely. It actually is possible for neither party to change much.

Whether that is what the OP can manage is another thing, but since I didn't suggest that either, then please stop reading things that I never said.

My DP is sometimes away Mon-fri for weeks at a time. I sympathise because when this is happening I really miss him midweek x

Wouldn't bother me, when I met my (now) DH we lived over three hours apart and only saw each other every fortnight, we both had demanding jobs, plus hobbies, friends, our own social & volunteering commitments etc to keep us busy in the week ... it was years before mobile phones, emails etc so we had landline phone calls and even wrote letters to each other. Worked fine for us ... after a year we decided to get married and both moved to a new place to start our married life - been together over 30 years .

about it's the opposite for me ... my DH has frequently worked away/ overseas and been away for long periods of time during our marriage ... I am very happy to be on my own and now due to lockdown and spending a lot more time together I am dreading retirement .

@Ragwort heh yes after a year of lockdown I am very supportive of his next stint away 😂

It’s a compatibility issue.

Am married to a man for whom, over the years, work has become a v high priority, and works v long hours, and dislike that about him/our relationship and family life.

Having had that experience, beyond the first few months, I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who never wanted a date during the week or who had little time/energy due to their work choices.

It's really up to you OP and what you feel you can cope with.

He is obviously a very career-driven person, this can have a lot of benefits but also as you're experiencing means he won't have as much time for you and sometimes he might put his career first.

He is probably doing what he can and I can understand him wanting his own space after work if he's doing really long days. Also, you've only been together a few months. If it had been a year or more then maybe it would be time to think about moving in together but a few months isn't very long at all, and he is in a routine that he had long before you got together.

It is just up to you to decide how important it is to you. If you need to be with someone who is more available and has more time for you then he might not be the right match.

Op, I understand why you want mid weeks because it will help you get to know him, and there is a stage when you have to see each other not at their best.

However consider if you are compatible. If his career is very important to him does that mean he will always have limited time for relationships. What is his relationship history?

Remember you are dating to see if you are compatible. Often what you might overlook at the outset becomes a bigger issue later down the line. Don't assume he will change! Be genuinely comfortable with his work commitments or decide that this isn't for you. Too often one person believes the partner might change so don't fall into this trap.

This sounds familiar