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Original poster

Should it be my responsibility?

44 replies

Mouscadoo · 14/04/2021 10:40

So for context, I am with my partner 6 years and we have a 14 month old. I just wondered what others thoughts on this and whether I am being unreasonable. I feel there is an assumption that I am the one responsible for getting presents for his family. Like if I didnt follow up with him, they would not get anything for birthdays or any other occasions. Also seems its my responsibility to arrange meet ups or visits with his family. Anyone else??

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 14/04/2021 10:45

Did he give his family presents before he met you?

Outbutnotoutout · 14/04/2021 10:46

His family, his responsibility
Your family, your responsibility

Don't take on his family admin

KirstenBlest · 14/04/2021 10:46

Did he meet up with or visit his family before you met him?

Shoxfordian · 14/04/2021 10:48

Nope
None of that is your responsibility

Aprilshowersandhail · 14/04/2021 11:07

Start as you mean to go on. If dragging a dc Xmas shopping from Sept fulfilling Santa duties for 2 families then crack on...
If not do your side and him do his.
Less stress free!

dobidobidooo · 14/04/2021 11:10

Nope!

customwatkins · 14/04/2021 11:13

This is a controversial topic on MN.

Most posters will say his family his problem.

But if your PIL buy you gifts, and for your DC too, wouldn't you want to show your appreciation by being involved in buying them gifts?

I love buying presents and spoiling people so I'm very much the present buyer and wrapper in our house it give me no greater joy than showing family how much they're appreciated and his family is my family too.

My DH does useful and thoughtful things for my family like helping with diy jobs around their house etc. So it's all swings and roundabouts.

Bluebell9 · 14/04/2021 11:15

Nope. I made it very clear to DH and his family that I don't do his admin. He'd happily let me but he does do it himself. If he doesnt get cards/presents for whatever reason, his family know its on him.

Bluebell9 · 14/04/2021 11:17

If I think of a good present idea, I'll let him know or if I'm ordering things anyway, I'll add his stuff in but its his responsibility to remember it doesn't default to me.

aSofaNearYou · 14/04/2021 11:20

No, not your responsibility at all and deeply annoying.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 14/04/2021 11:20

Not your responsibility. Why would it be? What did he do before he met you?
I do none of this for my dp. His family regularly go without presents or hes out at the last minute trying to find something. I just couldn't care less.

EL8888 · 14/04/2021 11:28

Nope. We both buy for our respective families. I don’t see why l need to do all the wife work

Beautiful3 · 14/04/2021 11:46

I found that this happened to me too, it was expected that I deal with all birthdays and christmas cards&gifts. After 10 years I stopped getting birthday cards from most of his siblings. I felt annoyed because it was me buying and sending theirs! So I just stopped. I explained to my husband, and he understood. Sometimes he remembers to do it, sometimes not. I only deal with my side. As a result of this, we no longer exchange gifts on his side. I buy for my dad, friend and our children, that's literally it! He buys for no one! Best change we ve ever done!

harknesswitch · 14/04/2021 11:48

Does he buy for y r family?

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 14/04/2021 11:49

No not your job

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/04/2021 11:50

No. You’re not his PA. He either managed before he had you doing it for him - so he can carry on. Or he didn’t - and he can carry on.

You do your family. He does his.

Pyewackect · 14/04/2021 11:50

Don't do it then Hmm

LolaSmiles · 14/04/2021 11:52

It's fine for anyone in a relationship to be the present buyer as long as both people are doing their fair share of domestic tasks and carrying an equal mental load. Some people genuinely love present shopping.

If he's expecting to transfer present buying to you because you're a woman (though it's never explained as openly as that by some men) and he can't be bothered then that's hugely unreasonable as it'sassuming you are the mental load carrier for the household.

Sakurami · 14/04/2021 11:52

I help because it stresses him out and I enjoy doing it but I'm not expected to.

WellTidy · 14/04/2021 11:55

I do, buy because DH works much, much longer hours than me. So the time that he spends working is a lot more than the time I spend choosing, buying, wrapping etc birthday and christmas presents for his family. And we share money.

ravenmum · 14/04/2021 12:06

if your PIL buy you gifts, and for your DC too, wouldn't you want to show your appreciation by being involved in buying them gifts?
Only if my dp was also involved in buying gifts for my family.

coffy11 · 14/04/2021 12:09

Why would it be your responsibility? I'm sure he doesn't buy presents for your family.

VettiyaIruken · 14/04/2021 12:12

Nope. Not your responsibility.
That doesn't mean it isn't ok to choose to do it if that's what you actually want but if he is acting like you are obligated then telling him to sort it out himself is really important.

VettiyaIruken · 14/04/2021 12:16

@ravenmum

if your PIL buy you gifts, and for your DC too, wouldn't you want to show your appreciation by being involved in buying them gifts? Only if my dp was also involved in buying gifts for my family.
That's such a good point. Every time this topic comes up some people take the view the op ought to because the in-laws give stuff to her/ the kids, and yes, never seeming to put 2+2 together re the bloke doing the same for his in-laws.
DungeonKeeper · 14/04/2021 12:16

Nope not your responsibility, what did he do before he met you?

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