Should it be my responsibility?

[Mouscadoo]

So for context, I am with my partner 6 years and we have a 14 month old. I just wondered what others thoughts on this and whether I am being unreasonable. I feel there is an assumption that I am the one responsible for getting presents for his family. Like if I didnt follow up with him, they would not get anything for birthdays or any other occasions. Also seems its my responsibility to arrange meet ups or visits with his family. Anyone else??

In 12 years of us being together, I have never once arranged presents for any of dh's family or friends or organised any sort of visit. His family, his obligation. It would be weird for him to coordinate gift buying on my behalf for my family.

You don't have to be the one responsible. Most couples decide between themselves what to buy for their families, we usually do anyway. As it is so easy to buy online nowadays it's not a big deal but it is quite fun.

I agree with @customwatkins, I'm the present giver and do it openly. I actually find it more embarrassing if at Christmas my husband gave an thoughtless present to any of my in laws, so we tend to do it together. I'm happy for it to be joint decisions and we have a child together and are married. I'm not of the 'your family, my family' mindset, when we got married they became my family as mine did his.

I meant willingly not openly... need more coffee 😶

In our house it’s ‘his family, his responsibility; my family, my responsibility’
However that doesn’t mean we don’t help each other out. So regarding presents for his niece and nephews, I will offer opinions on his ideas, if asked for, but it’s his job to remember a birthday in the first instance, and buy the gifts. I will wrap because he’s crap and I quite enjoy it
He will also happily help, if I ask him, where my family is concerned.

Nope, have never done this and never will. If you don’t want to do it OP, don’t.

For example, we went to his parents house empty handed at Christmas which I was a bit embarrassed about as they got us presents (they do kris kindle but his parents insisted on getting us gifts) We had just moved so I really didn't have the time but he didn't get anything for them. Also his sisters birthday was a month ago and he keeps saying "I need to get a present for.." he hasnt gotten her a card even. It feels like he's wanting me to jump in and do it for him.

I don't mind helping him which I have but for instance I have 4 nieces and nephews and he doesnt get their presents, I always do it.

I dont know whether its better to just point blank not do it or what. He wasn't getting anything for his mother for mothers day but she is such a good nana to our LO (her only grandchild) so i got her a personalised collage card and she loved it even though she hasn't been particularly kind towards me since my daughter was born. I also feel like they assume that it should be me doing this as his mother sorts all that stuff in their family. Any advice?

Stop doing it
His family is his responsibility

I'm not of the 'your family, my family' mindset, when we got married they became my family as mine did his. you see, the women who say this always ignore the fact that it only ever works one way. When has a man ever taken on the responsibility of all the gift buying for his inlaws? When has a man ever said "Oh it's your mums birthday next week, I must remember to send her a card and buy a gift"?

My daughter is slowly being dragged into sorting out cards and gifts for her husband's family, and I'm aghast that she and other young women still fall for taking on "wife work" in this way.

Nip this in the bud early or you will have a lifetime of it. Leave him to buy his family presents and you do yours. If the opportunity presents itself make sure his family know it is him who buys their present so if/when he forgets it doesn't reflect on you (not that it should).

Plenty of people have given you advice.

Stop doing it. Stop worrying about it.

And I’ll add, don’t make an effort for someone who’s been mean to you. Why would you do that? It screams doormat.

She’s your child’s gran but your boyfriend’s son and it’s his job to thank her.

What else can anyone say?

you see, the women who say this always ignore the fact that it only ever works one way.
I agree.
DH and I generally sort our own families out, but we both remember each other's family occasions and make suggestions. Neither of us have fallen into the trap of "but when we married they all became our family" because you're right, those who say it seem to actually mean one person (the woman) is expected to sort everything out.

I wish men's families would stop perpetuating the idea that presents for them is the responsibility of their daughters in law. If they get a rubbish Christmas present or no card, it's not DiL's failing. It's their son's!

Well said Lolasmiles.

It’s not your responsibility at all. If you want to do this then do so but if not then don’t start doing it.

It sounds like if you do send the cards and buy presents he will sit back and leave it all for you to do.

If his family has any importance for him then he will send birthday cards/Christmas presents.

Thanks everyone, I have been working on my people pleasing tendencies so will be putting an end to this.

Good for you Mouscadoo :) This is the one thing I stuck to throughout my marriage. Exh would buy presents far too late and then just grab something random. Now we're divorced I do actually send his dad a little birthday present :) it was never about it not being my family.

Wife work. Don't do it. He managed before but he thinks now he has a wife, you will do it.

My brother never sent a card gift etc in his adult life til he got married. Now we get cards.
Won't last long as they are getting divorced so so more cards.

I've had to put my foot down quite heavily over this, as dh would be quite happy to sit back and assume I'd do all the wife work in this respect. I do buy a couple of his family members gifts because we're really close with his sister and her family, and to me it's more like buying gifts for friends than his family. But the rest of them is up to dh. I had to ask my other sil (married to one of DH's dbs) to stop buying gifts for my dcs because I knew that dh wouldn't reciprocate for her kids, he's that useless, and it was getting embarrassing. It took a while for her to get the message too as she naturally assumes such wife work nonsense!

I know i probably sound like a bit of a tyrant but he has a big family and I have a big mental load. Buying presents for his side is not about to become part of it.

And there's no way on Earth dh would ever willingly buy anything for my family. Prompted, he might get something practical for my df as I wouldn't know what lawnmower to buy him (for example), but that's only if I specifically ask.

Yup, sit your DH down and tell him that from now on, his family are his responsibility to buy gifts/cards etc for all birthdays/Xmas etc.
Get him to put all the relevant dates in his phone calendar etc and then put on SM ''My DH is finally growing up and will now be organizing all his families cards and gifts from now on ! I'm so proud ''