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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is the end right.

49 replies

Kittenmittens4 · 14/04/2021 07:49

Right so I've just read through my posts from the past 3 years and I know I'm an absolute idiot for not leaving before. I just need some hand holding I think.
3.5 year old DS relationship is 5 years.
Partner is an alcoholic. First two years of my DS's life were just horrible with partner going missing and being drunk/pissing on the sofa etc. Eventually just before Xmas 2019 I asked him to leave, this followed him gambling when drunk and getting into 10,000 pounds of debt.

Beginning of 2020 I was really struggling, Covid happened and I took him back. Stupid I know. He's been sober all that year, and probably due to being on Furlough much better with helping with household things.

This Christmas he started drinking again, saying he was in control and he knew what he was doing etc. I've said so many times to him that it gives me full on anxiety when he drinks, I don't think that I've fully processed what happened in those two years but I think I'm probably a bit traumatised, a number of horrible arguments, him going missing, suicide threats and having to call an ambulance because he smashed his head whilst drunk is just a brief summary. I've attempted to get therapy, but I really wanted in person therapy and that has obviously not been possible. I think I've shut off some emotions around this just to be able to deal with it, and I feel really badly equipped to make decisions.

I'm in a really successful professional job, well thought of, well paid. If they knew I was putting up with this crap I don't know what they would think of me, at home it's like I don't have the strength and logic that I have at work.

Anyway, last night he finished work at 6, came home and I said I was feeling quite ill and could he do bedtime and take over a bit. He did this, I said I was going to bed early as I still felt ill. He popped back into work to check how everything was going (hospitality/second day)
Anyway cut a long story short, out practically all night, came home at god knows what hour, fell asleep in my son's bed (DS in with me) and pissed the bed. I (and DS) woke up this morning to find him naked on the sofa with his pissy clothes beside the washing machine.

So this is it isn't it? Final straw. I need some strength and logic.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 14/04/2021 07:50

Sorry really long post

OP posts:
Purplewithred · 14/04/2021 07:53

I’m so sorry. People with better advice than me will come along but yes, he is an alcoholic, and only he can change that. You need to protect your child and yourself from his drinking.

Alternista · 14/04/2021 07:56

Yes love, or at least I really hope it is.

You’re in a strong position, you’ve got a good job. Do you own or rent your home, whose is it?

Start picturing how lovely your life could be without all this x

gutful · 14/04/2021 07:58

It sounds like it was the end when he decided to start drinking at Xmas.

Wasn't a condition of you taking him back that he not drink alcohol anymore & take responsibility for his alcoholism & bad behaviour while drinking?

He has pissed your son's bed. How pathetic.

You should not have to deal with this but afraid to say if you let him start after this you will be showing him that you accept this behaviour.

Considering you've also ended it with him previously over drinking & gambling it sounds like you know what you need to do now.

It's possible that Covid curtailed this behaviour & he has now gotten comfortable enough to let his guard slip & return to normality as he knows it.

Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 14/04/2021 08:03

Yeah I'm renting unfortunately, might be in a position to buy soon, but I really have to think about what to do today. Baby steps. He's currently gone to bed to sleep. I'm really tired, got toddler watching TV and my mind is racing.

OP posts:
Lifeisbeautiful01 · 14/04/2021 08:05

This was my life once too. Almost word for word. I kept taking him back, even after 3 years where he didn’t see our DD because he’s taken the deposit for our house and gambled it away. He used to piss himself, go missing for days, he smashed through glass doors when I locked him out, it went on and on. Then would come the remorse, the sobriety, winning me back, promising me everything. Finally, after another child he left then got someone else pg and it ended. He still lets all the kids down all the time, he still turns up reeking of last night’s alcohol and sometimes it still breaks my heart that he’s not the man I know he could be. He has hurt all the kids immeasurably and is utterly selfish as all alcoholics are. My advice as an older woman is to plan a life far away from his influence. Allow him contact on your terms but forget any idea that he will be a decent partner, ever. The booze will always win and you will just end up dealing with more and more consequences on his behalf. I can’t say much more as it’d be outing but I dealt with things that make me shudder now. Take your child and make their life the best, you deserve far more. Flowers

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 14/04/2021 08:06

Yes, it definitely should be anyway.

It's hard if you still love him, but it's no way to live. It's definitely no way to bring up a child.

In what way were you struggling before? Maybe we can help you find a way to avoid that this time.

You're in a well earned, but none the less fortunate, position of being in a good job. Make the most of that, build a better life for DS.

If you're worried about him looking after DS when he's drunk you'll need to think about how to deal with that.

You will cope, you & DS can be a good little team together x

Ilovethewild · 14/04/2021 08:10

Op, is the tenancy In Your name? Can you tell him to leave? Just tell him it’s not working out, it’s not what you want and you need to split up. Obviously there will be issues going forward for safety of ds whilst in his care, access/contact etc. You should consider this also. What will he want/do? Will he be bothered? How will you feel leaving ds alone with him? Overnights? Just know you will need to consider contact with his dad. Wishing you all the best. One day at a time.

Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 14/04/2021 08:13

Thank you everybody these messages are making me a bit tearful, which is kind of good as I've felt numb for so long.
I've asked him to leave a number of times since Christmas and he just says he can't, he's kind of right, there's no where to rent round here, I've checked so many times. I just want out. I might just get packed up and take DS to my friends for a couple of days. I'm off work on holiday at the moment so at least I can do that.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 14/04/2021 08:14

He's always said he would want 50% contact but I don't see logically how that would work as he works shifts/late and I do probably 90% at the moment despite being full time

OP posts:
itbemay1 · 14/04/2021 09:48

I am your DC in this case and I'm late 40s my Dad never stopped drinking and we've all had a life of hell at times. My DM never left, she regrets that deeply. Too late for her now in her 70s but how I wish she would. Leave OP you deserve so much better

Bananalanacake · 14/04/2021 10:42

Did he pay back the debt. I hope it doesn't come to you if you're married.

VanillaCokeZero · 14/04/2021 10:44

Of course it is the end. You would be damaging your son staying with him. That should be the number one thing on your mind.

You can’t change someone who is dependent on drink or drugs. You can only protect yourself.

Insomnia5 · 14/04/2021 10:48

Who’s name is the house in? I wouldn’t give a fuck if he had to sleep in a tent. Please end this relationship, your child is getting to an age where they’re understanding and taking things in, don’t allow him to traumatise your child too

Christoncrutches · 14/04/2021 10:57

I'm the kid in this scenario and growing up with an alcoholic parent is traumatising. My mum never left and I don't have a relationship with either of them as an adult. Try not to think too far ahead - one step at a time. Get some support and advice - the more you feed into the shame narrative, the more likely you are to be trapped into staying with him.

It's not your fault, so don't feel you've done anything wrong to deserve this - you have to let him fall, or you'll be taken down by this - as will your child. Make your wee one's well-being the priority - you'll find a way around the practical issues, and before you know it, you'll realise you're strong AF.

Good luck x

Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 14/04/2021 11:55

Thanks everyone. I just dropped DS at a friends and have come back to talk to him and told him to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 14/04/2021 11:55

House is in both our names, but I pay for it. He hasn't paid off debts yet, but they are all in his name, we're not married.

OP posts:
Original poster
KittenMittens4 · 14/04/2021 11:56

Thanks to those saying they were the children in this scenario. I was too, which I think probably is why I've tried so hard, but also why I can't any more.

OP posts:
UnderHisAye · 14/04/2021 11:59

@KittenMittens4 I think you're brave, and you've given him all the chances he deserves and more Flowers

Insomnia5 · 14/04/2021 14:05

Has he actually left?

Lifeisbeautiful01 · 14/04/2021 14:10

My eldest is nearly 20. After years of frustration and disappointment she then had to have therapy to cope with her feelings of abandonment and poor self esteem. I thought I was doing the right thing, trying to keep up contact and retuning to the relationship but my lovely girl has told me she’d have been far better if I’d turned away and never looked back. I’ll always regret that, even though we are still so close.

Natty13 · 14/04/2021 14:24

Look up the Adult Children of Alcoholics organisation and see what good it does for children to grow up with an alcoholic parent.

I'm so so sorry you're in this situation but your poor child really does deserve better than the chaos and trauma living with an alcoholic parent brings to your life. At least if you left they would have 1 stable household.

Allwokedup · 14/04/2021 14:25

This is a very sad story, I don’t think you’re weak. You’ve tried your best. You can’t save him. Cut him loose and save you and your son.

fedup078 · 14/04/2021 15:59

Yes get rid
I just did and like you I have posted before and read through my threads and feel ashamed I didn't end it earlier

fedup078 · 14/04/2021 16:02

Oh and I am also the child of an alcoholic which is probably the a reason behind my low self esteem which lead me to be in the relationship to start with

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