This is the end right.

[Kittenmittens4]

Right so I've just read through my posts from the past 3 years and I know I'm an absolute idiot for not leaving before. I just need some hand holding I think.
3.5 year old DS relationship is 5 years.
Partner is an alcoholic. First two years of my DS's life were just horrible with partner going missing and being drunk/pissing on the sofa etc. Eventually just before Xmas 2019 I asked him to leave, this followed him gambling when drunk and getting into 10,000 pounds of debt.

Beginning of 2020 I was really struggling, Covid happened and I took him back. Stupid I know. He's been sober all that year, and probably due to being on Furlough much better with helping with household things.

This Christmas he started drinking again, saying he was in control and he knew what he was doing etc. I've said so many times to him that it gives me full on anxiety when he drinks, I don't think that I've fully processed what happened in those two years but I think I'm probably a bit traumatised, a number of horrible arguments, him going missing, suicide threats and having to call an ambulance because he smashed his head whilst drunk is just a brief summary. I've attempted to get therapy, but I really wanted in person therapy and that has obviously not been possible. I think I've shut off some emotions around this just to be able to deal with it, and I feel really badly equipped to make decisions.

I'm in a really successful professional job, well thought of, well paid. If they knew I was putting up with this crap I don't know what they would think of me, at home it's like I don't have the strength and logic that I have at work.

Anyway, last night he finished work at 6, came home and I said I was feeling quite ill and could he do bedtime and take over a bit. He did this, I said I was going to bed early as I still felt ill. He popped back into work to check how everything was going (hospitality/second day)
Anyway cut a long story short, out practically all night, came home at god knows what hour, fell asleep in my son's bed (DS in with me) and pissed the bed. I (and DS) woke up this morning to find him naked on the sofa with his pissy clothes beside the washing machine.

So this is it isn't it? Final straw. I need some strength and logic.

How much worse does your life have to get before you accept this relationship is utterly toxic(

Oh no. I hope you can leave soon. That's extremely sad.

Yes, end it and never look back.
You and your DS lives will be much better without an alcoholic around.

My DD father was a falling down drunk. I left and I left visitation entirely up to him. I did nothing to facilitate it.
He eventually faded away as it was too much for him to be a parent. The booze was always number 1.

DD is almost 40 now with DC of her own. She is glad I did what I did.
She made contact with a half sibling a few years ago and her DF was still pathetic drunk.

You really don't need him in your life. Show him the door; doesn't matter if he likes it or has nowhere to go - he can sleep in a puddle of piss on the street, it's not your problem.
House in both your names but you pay for it - that needs sorting now!

Well done op for asking him to leave.

Well done Op. it feels so hard right now but you will look back in even a few months time and your future self will thank your present self. Don't be too hard on yourself for not doing it sooner, it takes a lot.

Thanks everyone. He went to stay at his sisters, and has accepted that he needs to leave and it's over. I'm feeling quite hopeful and pretty scared. Time to do some money spreadsheets.

Well done kitten - first step on a long road but it will get easier. I’m sure many experienced people will post with good advice please don’t be afraid of asking for help from friends, family and professionals. You are strong enough to follow through so keep on moving forward however difficult it feels right now.

Take care

You're situation sounds a lot like mine so I'm hear if you ever want to talk

Your*
Here*
Wow I really wasn't awake when I wrote that obviously

Well done - back pats for sticking to it and standing your ground. One day at a time in the short term and have a support plan or yourself for when you feel lonely and/or he says all the right things to get you to soften your position.

Have some people to lean on.

Hi everyone, I might start a new thread, but let's see if you can help me here. 50% custody. I know I don't have a leg to stand on in terms of fighting him really, despite all the alcoholic things/everything that has happened he has never neglected DS (probably because I am here though) it is breaking my heart thinking about loosing him 50% of the time.
People keep saying he will get bored of 50% but I don't know that he will. Any ideas/comforts.

@KittenMittens4 not sure but I am in the exact same boat right now

Please.... do it for your child. I grew up with this. Grew up falling asleep in one bed and waking in another as my father was pissed and my mother would take me to a friends to be safe. Grew up hiding behind curtains while he raged drunk around the house. Once he woke me up when my mom was away. 3am. I was 13. He ranted at me about how I was the reason he wasn’t successful in life. Threw me out of the house, told me to ‘never dare Ken the door again’. Had to walk across town to friends house at 3am. Cried all night. If you can’t do it for yourself. Do it for your child. Please!!!

@fedup078 I don't know how to DM on the app. Sorry that you are in the same situation. Has yours actually left?

@KittenMittens4
Yeah
For now I'm just trusting him to do the right thing
He's in a very responsible job which could be at risk if they found out . He says he isn't drinking when ds is there . I bought a breathalyser and I'll make him take it if I'm ever suspicious. He only gets one chance.

You need to get rid.
I lived with someone for 5 years who was like this. I have no idea why I put up with it so long and I feel ashamed that I didn't boot him out the first time something happened.
He needs to go.
That's no way to live with someone pissing on the sofa or in the bed.
I remember the constant anxiety too - where is he? Is he coming home? When is he coming home?
And the worst: What state will he be in when he comes home?

@fedup078
I think that's the thing that's made me so sure that this is it this time. Like you shouldn't have to have a breathalyser!! It's crazy.

@KittenMittens4
I know
I actually bought it before we split up but then I caught him in the act anyway

I know a lot of people would say that I should not let him have custody but these are my problems:

1. I'd feel awful not letting him have him
2. I don't want to get the courts involved and end up in some mud slinging fiasco
3. I don't want ss involved
4. I don't want to deprive ds of seeing his dad
5. I can't prove anything, he has a high paid highly respectable job. He is very very intelligent and can argue his way out of a paper bag. Basically it's his word against mine and I don't like my chances

How are you doing @KittenMittens4 ?

Alcoholics give up drinking every day .It’s hard but he has made his choice to drink you have to make your choice .

Definitely the end.

I hope he's gone for good. Hopefully your son is too young to tell nursery/another adult about daddy drinking and pissing in his bed. How disgusting and disrespectful.