Am I incapable of love

[Nicky2021]

Hey everyone
I have 3 children who i love with all my heart they are my world. It’s a powerful love,,,any parent knows what I mean.
But I’m talking about the love towards a partner.
I’ve recently left my husband (the children’s father) I was unhappy for a long time.
I see my friends who are happily married and love their husband or wife so much/can’t live without them type of thing. I’ve never felt like this about any of my partners, except my first serious boyfriend. I want to be with someone I’m “in love” with, who I can’t be wi the out etc but I’m scared that I’m not capable of this kind of love. I get put off by a man as soon as he does something wrong to me such as shouting at me unreasonably, lies, calls names etc and then I just cannot claw it back in and that’s it,,my feelings are stuck.
Sorry I just saw my friend post on her social media about her anniversary about her soul mate and she couldn’t ever be without him and it just made me think that’s what I want, but what if I’m incapable of that kind of love with a partner because I’ve never experienced it
Xx

Any sane person would be ‘put off’ by a partner shouting, lying, or calling them names, but are you saying the men you choose typically do this?

You are not incapable of love, you just met the wrong men. Honestly, if I were you I would be taking pride on having the guts to walk away from nasty and abusive partners, rather than giving myself trouble for not allowing myself to be a doormat.

I get put off by a man as soon as he does something wrong to me such as shouting at me unreasonably, lies, calls names etc and then I just cannot claw it back in and that’s it,,my feelings are stuck.

This is exactly how it should be. You should be put off by this kind of thing! It’s no good falling in love if it’s with someone who treats you like shit.

The people I know who gush about soulmates on social media are in totally dysfunctional relationships.

I'm similar, OP.

Although, when I think about it, do I want to he the sort of person who A) posts gushy stuff about my personal life on SM? B) so dependent on someone else that I couldn't imagine my life without them? Or C) be a doormat to a rude, controlling or abusive man? And, no, i wouldnt want to he any of those.

I'd have a relationship with someone who enhances my life but i know I'd still be OK without them.

You sound OK to me!

Well maybe that woman who couldn’t live without her partner feels that way because they’ve never been mean to her. It’s a natural reaction to not feel the same way about people who call you names or shout at you unreasonably - a healthy reaction!

And who knows about other people, have you read the amount of threads on here when someone is convinced their partner is the love of their life and they must be with them but are also being treated like shit? Sometimes that whole intense ‘love’ in those circumstances is more like fear and clinging onto an idea of ‘great love’ to justify putting up with being treated with anything but love.

You sound fine to me, you love your kids and don’t cling onto immature notions of ‘love’ with grown men who don’t treat you right. If anything you should feel confident in yourself not doubt yourself!

Thanks for your replies everyone. Don’t get me wrong I am a strong and independent woman, always have been. And I feel amazing and proud of myself for being strong enough to leave my marriage. I just like the idea of finding a “soulmate” I just sometimes wonder if I am actually capable of opening myself up.
Interesting to read your responses so thankyou x

Isn’t not being able to live without someone codependency? Anyone who needs to gush on social media is not in a perfect relationship.

You sound normal.

@UseMyName

Isn’t not being able to live without someone codependency? Anyone who needs to gush on social media is not in a perfect relationship.

You sound normal.

Yup.

Hahah well thank goodness for that! Haha thankyou!

Nicky2021 - I feel exactly the same as you!!!
I have three kids and don’t think I’ve ever really been ‘in love’.
I don’t know either if I can ever find my soulmate.
As you - I love my children - strong maternal love.
I’m mid fifties now and so want to find a loving partner. Someone who would miss me if I were to die. I just don’t think I ever will find anyone. I’m OLD at the mo, and it’s pants.

Someone who would miss me if I were to die.

Hope you haven’t written that in your profile @GaraMedouar

I couldn’t agree more @ADandyHighwayman and @Thingsdogetbetter!

OP I am the same, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It doesn’t mean we don’t love, it just means that we don’t love blindly and don’t become emotionally dependent on another human being. To me, ours is a much healthier way to live.

@UseMyName- haha nope.

I’m just listening to the radio to Ken Bruce, and he reads out for example someone who’s wishing their husband happy anniversary of 30 years, he’s my best friend, wonderful husband and father , blah blah blah and I’m sad that I don’t have that, never did . I’m just hoping it’s not too late and I’ll meet my soul mate at some point and gave a chance to spend 10/20/30 years of my life with them before I shuffle off.

I am mainly just working, staying positive, concentrating on my kids etc - I just thought I’d give OLD a go. Maybe that’s not the way for me...

@GaraMedouar bet that husband is with the OW every weekend or secretly gambling the family money away, bitter me? 😂

I’ve never had it either - but I don’t expect so I don’t think that’s real life.

I feel exactly like this. Love my children so much, and my mum (and dog!) but I've never felt like that about a partner. Possibly in the first couple of years but it seems to die at some point after that. I'm hoping o just haven't met the right person, although I'm not sure I can even be bothered now at age 50. I'd be happy alone I think.

I wish I was happy alone. I’ve always wanted a loving partner - never managed it.
Ideally I’d like a loving partner but not live together - see them once or twice a week will suffice !

I personally believe soul mates are forged, not found. That someone becomes close and dear to you as much through your shared life experiences, facing the trials of life together, etc as much as from some pre-existing alchemy. That’s not quite as intoxicating as the whole Wuthering Heights “can’t live without you” sort of love though.

That said, whilst I would have sworn blind I had that sort of relationship four years ago, I discovered my partner didn’t actually see things the same way. Ironically, they were the more gushy sort. But that was the problem. For them love had to be limerance. And limerance never lasts. So inevitably I couldn’t provide and got replaced.

And that’s the problem Anonanonon- I thought I would stay with exP - not love of life but we got on well, he was nice.
We had a child together. I was gutted we didn’t remain together for DD too.

Now I’m mid fifties so I’m not going to have the whole life experience with anyone. No kids together etc. So ..... not really sure what I’m trying to say here but will be harder maybe to have those experiences together. Or maybe that’s better

@Thingsdogetbetter

The people I know who gush about soulmates on social media are in totally dysfunctional relationships.

This ^^^ a hundred times over....I cant count at least half a dozen of acquaintances who are in the depths of a severely dysfunctional marriage/partnership and put gushing stuff on social media its bonkers. Anyway, you are capable of this type of love when you find the right person to give it to.

You have to ask yourself why people feel the need to gush like that on SM. Maybe some of them are living in a fantasy, if they say it often enough it'll come true.
Call me a cynic but I'd rather be self-sufficient.

It sounds like you just haven’t met the right person. In my opinion, anyone who shouts at you is definitely not the right person.

I think maybe you’re also just not the ‘gushing’ type. My aunt, for example has had lots of relationships, and was always gushing, with huge displays of affection, everyone was told how in love they are, then suddenly it was all over and she was exactly the same with the next one. I just can’t be like that, I love my husband, wouldn’t want to be without him, but I’m just not someone who wants to, or even really can, share that with the whole world.

My first love was the love of my life unfortunately I lost him. I"ve loved one or two other men but never like him, and I was okay with that. But they turned out to be either cheaters or arseholes. I don't expect to meet another love of my life as I"m 50 and i'm over trying to meet anyone.

Someone who would miss me if I were to die.

Oh Christ, no... I’m perfectly happy with someone who takes me out for walks every weekend!

(Wonder if I am turning into a dog, but then... I hate sitting by a silent man in an empty pub so perhaps I am quite there... yet)

@GaraMedouar

I wish I was happy alone. I’ve always wanted a loving partner - never managed it. Ideally I’d like a loving partner but not live together - see them once or twice a week will suffice !

Actually I could go for a partner that I didn't live with. That's what kills it for me I think!