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Original poster

Can anyone enlighten me on why they think my ex did this? :(

37 replies

Themoreifly · 14/04/2021 04:24

Name change because don’t want this lingering aside my other threads

I have been split from my ex for a year, we went from a very intense relationship, living together etc to nothing very quickly. We both wanted to remain friends as we have same friendship group and same hobby and the break up was/has been amicable. Broke up mainly as we both wanted to have careers in different cities hours apart. Friends for 11 years and in a relationship for 4.

We haven’t really been separated properly (apart from lockdown) during the year since we split up. We would go no contact for periods (most being a month) and would still Skype and chat regularly (once every so many weeks) under the guise of staying friends. These chats are pleasant usually and we have an agreement not to go into anything that might be triggering and keep it light. We have previously mentioned dates we’ve been on and this has never been an issue.

Ex would have me on social media, but after a while deleted me as he said he was triggered by seeing what I was doing (usually just out with friends or whatever). Currently he has me on no social media. He doesn’t post on SM and hasn’t for years but I felt fine having him on there.

I still have feelings for my ex but am happy and have my own life and can usually brush these feelings aside (recently bought a new house, and have a new job- ex also has a new job.)

At the year point, ex and I agreed to meet up for coffee. It went really well, and ended up turning into drinks, which then ended up with us having sex. It was after this I admitted to ex, I’d been seeing someone (only three virtual dates) and that I felt slightly guilty but guess it wasn’t overly a big deal as no commitment set with OM.

A few days after sleeping together, ex messages to almost plead me to stop seeing Other man. That he loved spending time together and it made him happy- he also asked if I’d consider getting back together and I said it had been on my mind. I was planning on another date with OM and told him this. He carried on pleading and I gave in, and stopped and told OM what had happened. We ended things.

I then started getting butterflies for ex and we carried talking every night for a week before meeting up for a drink. At the drink, ex then becomes critical and says that he just said it for effect and actually he doesn’t want me back, thinks we should see other people, that we should only meet in public places to avoid having sex and that he won’t have me on SM as it’s triggering and hurts him, he hopes I find someone to make me happy- but wants to stay friends?!

So guess what I’m asking dear reader, is why the sudden change of thought process? Argh men!

OP posts:
Longdistance · 14/04/2021 04:46

Your ex sounds like a wanker. He keeps dangling the carrot and then he takes it away. This keeping in contact with him is his way of keeping you there as an option.
I think you need to cut contact completely and stop him from having this power and hold over you.
You broke up a year ago, but haven’t moved on. I think you need to bite the bullet and move on.
Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. I’m married with kids now.

DYWMB · 14/04/2021 04:54

There's no change of heart from him
He sees you as his possession and doesn't want you seeing other men, even though he doesbt want you either.
It's a game.
He'd happy you've ended your other relationship and cam continue being his puppet.

Run as fast as you can from this prick.
He won't give you what you want, he just dips in and out as he likes. A head fucker.

Move on with your life without this hindrance and 'triggering' influence.

Go.

RadioSilienced · 14/04/2021 05:06

Agree with above. Move on op- he sounds like an utter nightmare.

TabooNCoke · 14/04/2021 05:15

Sounds like 'I don't want you but no one else can'
I think you need to make a clean break from him. You're halfway there anyway with a new job and house etc. Good luck.

Wiredforsound · 14/04/2021 05:47

He’s a knob - doesn’t want you, but doesn’t want anyone else to have you. Doesn’t care about your feelings or wishes. Bin him properly this time. Block him on everything, don’t stay friends or meet up for sex, be polite if you have to interact with him in your group of friends, but otherwise move on with your life. Don’t let him hold you back any longer. Take back your power.

KinseyWinsey · 14/04/2021 05:47

Nasty and controlling.

He just wanted to see if he could have you at his whim. And clearly he can. Don't let him do that again.

You've thrown away a chance with someone else for this goon.

Block him. He's a waste of space and not very pleasant at all.

Blueskytoday06 · 14/04/2021 05:51

Ok ...so....he doesn't want you but he doesn't anyone else to have you either (despite what he said). He possibly wants you hanging about as backup plan and that's why he asked you to stop seeing other guy but when it actually came to it he doesn't want the commitment. Men!!

KatherineJaneway · 14/04/2021 05:56

Agree with pp, he was jealous you were seeing someone else as he sees you as 'his', but he doesn't actually want to get back into a relationship with him. I'd suggest stopping talking to him and only be polite and civil when you see each other for your hobby.

Champagneandmonstermunch · 14/04/2021 07:21

He is an arse! He doesn't want you. He just wants to keep you dangling in case he changes his mind.

updownroundandround · 14/04/2021 07:25

@Themoreifly

Yeah, he's just a jealous wanker. He doesn't want you, he just doesn't want other men dating you.

He is not your 'friend', he's your Ex. You are, in his mind, his property, and he simply doesn't even think of you as a 'person' at all, you're a possession.

Think of him as a little boy, he's the nasty kid who won't let any other kid touch his toys, even if he doesn't ever play with that toy himself ! Hmm

Sunflower1970 · 14/04/2021 07:40

I’d get in touch with their other man and see if he will start dating again. Limit contact with your ex - he is a headwrecker

cookiecreampie · 14/04/2021 07:45

I don't think you have a friendship anymore. Cut contact. He doesn't want you but doesn't want anyone to have you.

User5747384 · 14/04/2021 07:49

He's a head fuck, no cure for him unfortunately.
Don't bother with him anymore.

harknesswitch · 14/04/2021 07:49

Your ex doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either. He's deliberately sabotaged your relationship with the OM. His work is done. Block him, and move on.

PriestessofPing · 14/04/2021 07:50

Ah he was happy when he thought you were still into him and an option (because of the contact and the sex) and jealous when he realised you were seeing someone else even for a couple of dates. Once it became clear you were considering getting back together and ‘chose’ him over this new guy you’d gone on some dates with he lost interest. He might as well have peed on you tbh OP, because that’s some territorial bullshit right there.

Sorry he’s been such a twat.

Bagelsandbrie · 14/04/2021 07:54

He’s horrible. Run! And he’s not your friend. Block and move on.

DandelionSprout · 14/04/2021 07:55

I’ve done similar before. He dumped me and I missed him like crazy. I struggled to watch him living his life without me so I deleted him. After a while we met up and had sex, we discussed getting back together and I was briefly thrilled. But after only a few days I realised we could never go back to where we were before. He had hurt me too much, he’d already dumped me once and I felt insecure and didn’t trust him not to dump me again. I knew if he left me a second time it would destroy me. So I backed off and said look we need to call it quits. I still love him but I can’t trust him, and I can’t live my life feeling constantly insecure.

Dozer · 14/04/2021 07:58

Matters less why he did these things than why, post break up, YOU did the things you did? Since those things weren’t in your best interests.

CombatBarbie · 14/04/2021 08:02

What a knob..... That is all really.

Its the typical, I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you trick.

MindGrapes · 14/04/2021 08:08

What is it you were both avoiding "triggering"? Does one of you have ptsd or history with trauma/violence? I'd be wary if so of just steaming ahead.

ChaToilLeam · 14/04/2021 08:08

He’s messing with you, because he can. Cut contact, make sure it never happens again.

Sakurami · 14/04/2021 08:17

He's no friend. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you. Cut contact.

butterrcup · 14/04/2021 08:19

Sounds like a case of i don't want you but no one else can have you!

GreenWasabi · 14/04/2021 08:24

It's as old as the hills - I don't want you but no one else can have you, like a spoilt child with a toy. Don't be his toy, he will be doing the same thing next time you meet someone- don't let him mess it up next time.

DerekMorganswife · 14/04/2021 08:28

This happened to me. My ex decided to break up with me because he wanted 'to go travelling'. He would then phone asking me to go back (about 50 miles away) every few weeks, saying he had made a mistake and wanted to try again. There would always be a 'I've changed my mind' message waiting for me when I got home. It made me really ill. I lost a crazy amount of weight, I didn't sleep and my hair fell out in patches. After 5 months of this carrot dangling, I went to see the gp (my mum dragged me actually!) The gp said she was concerned about my mental health and where this will lead. It gave me a kick up the bum. I deleted his number but he still texted me, even to tell me he had swine flu and could I go and look after him?! I didn't even reply.
12 years later, we are now both married with kids. A few months ago, he sent me a friend request on Facebook. I deleted it.
It's so difficult to walk away and block but if you go back after the first time, it gives him the go ahead to have another go every time he wants to get his end away.

By the way, my ex's 'travelling' was 3 weeks in Thailand.