9 years together, toddler, mortgage - break up

[6lb3oz]

Evening MN'ers

Been with OH 9 years, bought a house together and have a 2.5yr old.

For various reasons we have parted, the catalyst being him messaging a girl in a sexual flirty way since January. This is the second time it's happened (different girls) but the first time since our child.

Have decided to separate and he is initially going to move out and then I want some time at our home to settle into being a single parent and person.

I'm just looking for others experience in similar situations, where you share a mortgage and can't afford to run the house on your own income alone.

He will pay maintenance in the long term but in the short term he is going to carry on paying what he normally does which is the majority. I have been made redundant recently but once I'm working I can pay the bulk of the house bills. I will be down £200-£300 roughly.

I'm just in a state of shock RN and wanting some positive stories xx

How much is left on the mortgage? I would be very wary of relying on him in any way to be honest. I know he SAYS he'll pay the bulk in the short term but a lot of men say that and gradually (quickly) stop...or tail it off as they get bitter about it.

Do you feel confident that you will quickly be able to find work? Could you sell and get somewhere smaller so you're not down 300?

Are you entitled to any benefits?
Will you get 30 free hours once DC turns 3?

Look into these things to give you an idea of where you might be in 6 months time
Best wishes

He will pay maintenance in the long term but in the short term he is going to carry on paying what he normally does which is the majority.

I'm very sorry about the end of your relationship. Like the previous poster, I would not count on him paying the bills for very long, if at all. Offers like this tend to be rescinded very, very quickly once reality sets in. I would be working diligently on Plan B.

Agree with PP.

I've seen this happen so many times with friends. Nicey nice offered seem to end very quickly in my opinion.

He’s messaging other girls. He’s going to be online dating the day after he moves out. As soon as he’s hooked up with another girl all the money will stop. You need a plan that doesn’t include him doing anything.

Yes, sadly you will have to be prepared to go it alone on the finances. What men say and then what they actually do when you're finally separated are two different things.

I was in your situation, divorcing with a young child - a SAHM. There's no quick fix here. We sold our house and I moved nearer my parents for initial support - I quickly found a job and rented a house from a family member for a while. My ex very quickly stopped any contact with our child and only paid child support for a few months.

While it was a traumatic time, the re-set in my life was ultimately very cathartic although it took a couple of years to feel settled and positive. You will be absolutely fine, but be prepared for it to take time.

I'm on a very low income job. I can manage the mortgage, which is not small, by myself with thanks to universal credits to which I am more grateful than anyone will ever know! Have a look on entitled to.com if you haven't already done so, you might be pleasantly surprised

Echoing what PP have said. Do not rely on having your Ex pay the mortgage, because he'll either stop paying because he can't pay for mortgage and somewhere for himself to live or because he's got a new woman in tow, and needs money to set up playing 'house' with her (because we've all seen posts from the 'new' GF who is bitter because her BF still pays for his Ex's house, haven't we ??)

You need to make a plan that only relies upon your income, so get all applications for benefits started now, and if you manage to get a new job, great, but if not, at least you'll know that you'll have some money coming in.

And tbh, the idea that you need to be allowed to 'settle' into the role of single parent etc is a bit 'precious' sounding .
I know it's a really tough time and you will manage, but it'll be so much harder on you and your DC if you're not prepared to face the changes 'head on' and be proactive about making and carrying out a plan to keep your head above water. Put bluntly, you don't have time to waste on 'being allowed to settle into your new role'.

Be kind to yourself. Your emotions are raw and you want him to be the good person you know him to be. It took me a long time to realise the man who left me wasn't the man I met and loved.

Gather good people around you for support. Speak to your gp if you are struggling. Antidepressants really helped me. And counselling gave me a safe place to vent.

Arrange good routine for contact. And stick with it. In time you will appreciate the break and the children need stability. Not guessing when they are seeing daddy again.

Go to the entitled2 website and put in a claim for universal credits. Go through bills and stop paying anything that isn't yours. Get the single person reduction on your council tax and put in a claim through the Cms. Make yourself financially independent. As many have said. My ex also left promising me he wouldn't see me struggle. Only to cut what he offered in half and then stop six
Months later. I'm still chasing him 3 years on.

Keep communication to a minimum. If you feel you need to pour out your emotions draft emails and sit on them for 24 hours before sending them. He has shown you who is his priority. Sadly people will say what you need to hear. And not mean it.

And don't beat yourself up. If all you can do is get washed dressed and fed then you are winning. It took me the best part of 2 years to feel 'normal' and I still need to pace myself with days out etc. Get as much sleep as you can and eat and drink. This will pass and you will get through this but it isn't easy.

Thanks all.

I just put the universal credit claim in today and I put the full amount he has promised me he will pay each month as I want to be honest in my application. Do you think that will affect it and can I change this do you know?

If it's child support it isn't part of the calculation. If you put it as income or spousal maintenance then it will be included in the calculation.

Thank you I put it as ex spouse support. I've just put a message on the journal part to explain I have stated that amount but it has yet to be paid.

Have you done a calculation on the Cms site. And how different are the amounts. Child support is separate from your UC claim as it is not. guaranteed sadly. Could you split the difference so if he pays you £600. And his child support should be £400. Put the £200. As Spousal support?

Look at everything you can to not rely on your ex.
His payments will soon stop & will dwindle to the bare minimum. Right now he's agreed to pay out of guilt.
Give it 3 months and that will change.
Ive been there. Luckily I could afford to buy my ex out of the house. It took 2 yrs of solicitor hell but in the end I'm now free of him. One of my happiest moments was when my consent order came through!
Good luck

Thanks again all, I've worked lots out today and have applied for universal credit, hopefully I can receive what Entitleto.co.uk says I am eligible for as that makes all the difference to my income and expenditure.

I've also agreed a much more realistic arrangement with child maintenance, the gov minimum amount, and I've just stated the gov minimum amount for my UC claim.

I'm determined to keep our family home for us. Feeling stronger today.

@Xztop

I'm on a very low income job. I can manage the mortgage, which is not small, by myself with thanks to universal credits to which I am more grateful than anyone will ever know! Have a look on entitled to.com if you haven't already done so, you might be pleasantly surprised

I have done a calculation on entitled to and it's coming back with the attached.

I won't know how much I will get until the 12th may however, as that is when UC said they will pay.

I will earn £950 a month in my job.

Does this look similar to what you received? Thanks x

I found entitled.to really accurate so that is what I'm sure you will get. I earn a lot less so am lucky to get more each month but I can manage.
Hope things work out for you op

@Xztop

I found entitled.to really accurate so that is what I'm sure you will get. I earn a lot less so am lucky to get more each month but I can manage. Hope things work out for you op

Thank you, yes the calculator deducted off £200 something to allow for my earned income so that sounds right.

I'm actually looking forward to being free of him and the lies.

I know I'm going to be skint like I've never been skint before but it's worth it.

You will make it work. I was left with debts to pay. After bills and food etc. I had £50 a week in my purse. For clothes. Shoes hair cuts etc. I was grateful I could get by but angry as my ex avoided paying child support and the children could of had a much better quality of life (food. Shoes etc). But I try not to dwell on it. That is his choice. And I tell the children that we have to make the money I have work.

I am fortunate to have family who I know I can fall back on if I need too. So that gives me a safety net. Although it would be my last resort.

Being independent physically. Emotionally and financially is a good feeling and I know my ex felt rejected. He wanted to be friends and be there for me to call on for practical things. So he could be the great man helping out the mother of his children. I won't give him that satisfaction.

I don't think the bank will let me take the mortgage on in my sole name, has anyone had experience of this situation?

“Once your working again”

I wouldn’t assume that in current climate that will be a straightforward swift process

@6lb3oz

I don't think the bank will let me take the mortgage on in my sole name, has anyone had experience of this situation?

Yes me But I had to prove that it was affordable

When I got a mortgage the bank took into consideration all my income including Universal Credit and Child Support payments from my ex. So make sure you maximise these. As an example I earn £14k pa plus benefits and child maintenance I was able to borrow £100k on a 30 year mortgage. Payments are around £380 per month. What is the outstanding mortgage at the moment?

@Keepitonthedownlow

When I got a mortgage the bank took into consideration all my income including Universal Credit and Child Support payments from my ex. So make sure you maximise these. As an example I earn £14k pa plus benefits and child maintenance I was able to borrow £100k on a 30 year mortgage. Payments are around £380 per month. What is the outstanding mortgage at the moment?

£119k left, I'm 36. House value £145/£150k.

I will only earn £950 a month in this new job.
Child maintenance £300
Universal credit £370 (ish)
CB £90
Total £1710 a month.

I did a calc on Barclays who is the current provider and they state £95k Max borrowing. But this is a generic calc on the website.

I am going to call Barclays mortgages tomorrow to ask.

You will get more UC than that