He has abandoned DC again

[Butterfly1020]

Ex left when DC was a couple of months old, had no financial support or anything at all from him for almost two years.

He then came back, I genuinely thought he’d changed. He seemed to genuinely realise what a mistake he had made, and he’s been consistent since then, which was several years ago.

Now he’s fucked off again. He hasn’t even bothered saying goodbye to DC or making any arrangements at all regarding finances. Ignoring my calls and texts - totally out of the blue and unprovoked, after being very involved with DC and seeing them multiple times each week.

I’m so heartbroken for DC. What do I tell them I can’t eat or sleep because I’m so stressed out.

Because @BustyDusty is pointing out the ridiculousness of the disparity between the expectations of fathers and mothers in our society. To misquote HIGNFY, "This is satire."

@pleasevalentina I was under the impression the OP had a genuine concern and did not see any / or a open invitation for humour in her words !! Why make light inane comments of a person's RL problem when she is reaching out.,?

@Ardvark111

Why did you then minimise the actions of the op's partner suggesting she should leave the door ajar for him to return.

@BustyDusty was ridiculing the suggestion that you made, she was not in any way being comedic towards the op.
She was pointing out the absurdity of the situation, that fathers can swan off and women cannot.

@onthedunes I didn't minimise anything I just pointed out even this man probably is a absent father of ( his own choice ) he is still the kids father and has a legal and any other types of right to be in there lives,!! You will notice I never lowered myself to
Any name calling ie lard arse unlike the poster BD and also it's not unheard of women abscond from a country with there kids for whatever the reason so the croatia was not satire !! And since when has male suicide which she also mentions been comedic

@Ardvark111

You are being pedantic and I think you know that.

@BustyDusty was trying to uplift op by being disparaging about her partner and therefor conveying that she was supporting, agreeing and sympathising with her.

She said 'hard arse' not 'lard arse'. I'm autistic and even I can see the satire in Busty's comments.

@onthedunes I'm not being pedantic at all, I'm merely quoting back DB very own choice of words. Especially SUICIDE references,,, 1 even mentioned him being in a ditch, i invite you to go back and look at DB,s comments,!!

Sorry OP how dreadful to be picked up and dropped again.

Dusty I get you

@onthedunes I have seen quite a lot of male suicide story's from relatives / friends of deceased father's, on the father's 4 justice site to be pedantic,!! So it don't make for satirical value... Yes 1 day he may even have his own kids turn there backs on him due to his uncaring ongoing absences he only has himself to blame the OP has not put barriers up for his contact from what iv read,!!

@Ardvark111 The child and the parent doing the actual parenting don’t benefit at all from leaving the door open for a ‘parent’ who decides to come in and out of their lives. The only one who benefits in that situation is the absent parent, because every now and then they can relieve their guilt by making an appearance. They then get to leave and not even see the consequences and damage that their behaviour creates.

And do you honestly think someone who disregards their children so much would be sending lovely birthday and Christmas presents and cards? There is nothing in the world that could make most parents abandon their children, the people that do that are not going to suddenly become caring parents, certainly not without a lot of work on their part to change their ways. And the onus should be on them, not the parent who is protecting their child.

Butterfly, I’m sorry that you and your child are in this position. I think I would get professional advice on how to talk to your child about this.

@Ardvark111

Yes I too have heard numerous stories about young mothers, who have been abandoned unable to cope and feeling suicidal, many said the only thing that kept them going was that there was nobody left on earth who could look after their children as they could.

If he does come crawling back, show him the door. Don't keep on putting yourself & your dc through this. Put a claim in with CMS & paint a big smile on your face for your dc, fake it till you make it. If your dc ask where he is, don't badmouth him, just tell them honestly you don't know where he is. If he does turn up, give him a day & time he can collect the dc, if he doesn't turn up, then that's him done. Don't tell the dc that he is coming so they aren't upset if he doesn't turn up. Keep yourself busy, clear out anything he has left, bag it up & dump it in the shed or garage, get the locks changed so he can't waltz in & take all the furniture. Have a look for payslips & bank statements, if you have a joint bank account, open one in your sole name & get everything paid in to that. If there is plenty of money in the joint account, do a massive shop, buy clothes for dc & get cashback every time you use your card, stash the money in your own bank account. Once you have a good stash, speak to the bank & ask if you can put a stop on his cards so he can't clean it out. Check your credit rating for any linked finances or credit cards in his name at your address, cancel any joint cards.

@Butterfly1020

You sound an incredibly responsible parent unlike your unreliable partner. He sounds like a man who has never grown up maybe he never will.

How old are your children? It must be so hard for you, I can't imagine having to constantly make your partner understand how hurtful he is to his own offspring.

It's utterly dispicable, cowardly and pathetic.
Some men do not deserve to be fathers.
Thank God they have you.

Sending hugs

Ardvark: I believe that sporadic contact that only serves a selfish adult is better than nothing.

Pps: Here is anecdotal and professional evidence to the contrary. It's well known that absent parents who flit in and out have an impact on the wellbeing of young children, and their ability to perform vital functions like forming healthy, secure attachments.

Ardvark: sorry, no. I am a definitely not absent father and you are wrong. Bonus mention of MRA groups.

You couldn't make it up.

WitchIsDead

You missed out:

Pp: makes joke
Aardvark: The literal interpretation of your words is factually unlikely. Let me share with you the probable actual truth.
PPs: you missed the joke.
Aardvark: oh dear, PP, your attempt at humour has gone badly for you, hasn't it!
PPs: no, we all got it and interpreted it as supportive of the OP.
Aardvark: how dare you make jokes that I don't get which make my attempts at correction look a bit silly. I now see that your jokes - with which I had no problem when I was suggesting that they had gone badly for you - are morally repugnant and you should be ashamed of them (and I should definitely not need to offer any climb-down, or demonstrate any good grace or ability to laugh at myself for an inconsequential misunderstanding on my part).

Butterfly your poor kids. Is he worth writing too to explain the impact of his inconsistency.
💐

@WitchisDead

Ardvark: I believe that sporadic contact that only serves a selfish adult is better than nothing.

Pps: Here is anecdotal and professional evidence to the contrary. It's well known that absent parents who flit in and out have an impact on the wellbeing of young children, and their ability to perform vital functions like forming healthy, secure attachments.

Ardvark: sorry, no. I am a definitely not absent father and you are wrong. Bonus mention of MRA groups.

You couldn't make it up.

ONLY an absent father thinks that sporadic contact is better than no contact.

@WitchisDead and @SavedDownTheWell and @BustyDusty

Literally crying laughing at your posts.

OP, Dont let him back again. I hope you manage to steady things again for your kids, and then never let him come in an create this horrible chaos again

[quote Ardvark111]@onthedunes I didn't minimise anything I just pointed out even this man probably is a absent father of ( his own choice ) he is still the kids father and has a legal and any other types of right to be in there lives,!! You will notice I never lowered myself to
Any name calling ie lard arse unlike the poster BD and also it's not unheard of women abscond from a country with there kids for whatever the reason so the croatia was not satire !! And since when has male suicide which she also mentions been comedic [/quote]
Parents don't have rights where children are concerned.

Children have rights and parents have responsibilities.

The childnhas a right to a relationship with both parents.

The parents have a responsibility to make that happen. However another doesn't have a responsibility to keep the door ajar for a father who is not fulfilling his responsibility to the child.

PR is Parental Responsibility not Parental Right.

So you might want to he clear on your facts to begin with.

A mother not another.

@Happycat1212

Not in my experience. My ex sees my children once a year, comes in begs to be a dad, sees the kids for a few months then disappears again for a year, back again a year later rinse and repeat. It’s causes so much upset because my children feel constantly abandoned and rejected and each time they get over him they have to go through it again. It would certainly be easier if he was fully absent and I didn’t have to continue to pick up the pieces each time. I won’t be allowing it again. I don’t think it’s better for children at all.

Not in my experience either. I was that child. Birthday cards and presents were sporadic at best and one of us would get a gift or card and another would be forgotten. Phone calls expected that never happened, finding out about remarriage and birth of half sibling after the event, promises to be back in our lives for good broken, birthday calls missed, visiting and seeing half sib getting to buy things on outings and we weren't allowed, so many broken promises, so much trauma. Sometimes no contact is much better than some.

I was notified I've been referenced but can't see anything? Assume that was the deleted post?

My dad had an absent father. Only met him a handful of times his whole life. He absolutely 100% believes that was better than this man drifting in and out because it allowed him to be completely unambiguous in his feelings - he wasn't confused because he knew that his dad was a pointless waste of space. But interestingly, when he died, people were shocked my father didn't want to travel 2000miles for his funeral. So weird.

That’s exactly what my ex did SomebodyThatIUsedToKnow3 I even made a post about it on here if ardvark wants to go and check, my ex sent a birthday card for my son 2 weeks before his birthday, I was really unsure about giving it and he has never sent one before in all these years (my son turned 7) I gave it in the end and then 2 weeks later it was my other sons birthday so of course I was expecting the same, only he sent nothing! I could tell my son was upset as I found him on his birthday sat reading the card he’s brother got. So I had to chase it up with my ex despite not wanting to and ask why he sent for one and not the other, who of course claimed he did and that it must have got lost in the post 🙄 he said he would send another one and in his rush he didn’t change the name, so when it arrived like I said it had a different name across the front, I couldn’t hand a card to him with a different name on it, where he had obviously rushed it and didn’t change the name on the front. So I couldn’t give it to him anyway. After that I will never give any of my children cards from him. Not when the first year he has ever done it he has proven already he can’t be consistent with it, I don’t know how someone thinks that if someone can’t be consistent with contact they can be consistent with cards?! Any little crumbs from their father isn’t better than none at all.

So you have no knowledge or experience of the OPs situation but thought you'd weigh in on the basis that you have a penis?

Maybe, if it's big enough, you could use it to dry your tears at having your arse handed to you?

OP, sorry, it's shit, isn't it. Your poor DC. How old is/are DC? Have they asked "Where's dad?" Assuming they are school age, I'd definitely make school aware and see if there is any support they can offer.

I would definitely not lie and say "Daddy's very busy" or "Daddy's not well" - I know how tempting it can be to cushion their feelings but ultimately it won't help and if/when they realise you lied, they will feel betrayed. I would try to stick along the lines of "I don't know why Daddy hasn't been in touch darling. I hope we hear from him soon. Now why don't we do XYZ?" (not some activity they have ONLY done with their dad, if there is one, but if dad normally takes them to the park, do that.) Basically be bright and breezy, don't slag him off, but acknowledge your child's feelings if they say they are sad.