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Original poster

He has abandoned DC again

76 replies

Butterfly1020 · 12/04/2021 20:52

Ex left when DC was a couple of months old, had no financial support or anything at all from him for almost two years.

He then came back, I genuinely thought he’d changed. He seemed to genuinely realise what a mistake he had made, and he’s been consistent since then, which was several years ago.

Now he’s fucked off again. He hasn’t even bothered saying goodbye to DC or making any arrangements at all regarding finances. Ignoring my calls and texts - totally out of the blue and unprovoked, after being very involved with DC and seeing them multiple times each week.

I’m so heartbroken for DC. What do I tell them Sad I can’t eat or sleep because I’m so stressed out.

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 13/04/2021 01:09

Definitely don’t post on his social media, that’s so cringey 😑 if he doesn’t want to see them then don’t force him

Ardvark111 · 13/04/2021 01:12

I have slated this man,!! All I'm saying is it would be nice if he were to simply post bday / Xmas cards to kids, as something is better than nothing,!! At the end of the day he is those kids father despite his selfish / uncaring ways

Happycat1212 · 13/04/2021 01:14

You would think 😂 my ex posted a birthday card and it had a different kids name on it, couldn’t even give it to my son! You said something is better than nothing, just saying no actually it isn’t.

BustyDusty · 13/04/2021 01:20

Op. Big suitcase. Sunnies. Passport. I suggest Croatia...wonderful climate, food and beaches. Leave his kid on his doorstep or that of any member of his family/friends. However, as Lard-arse says, keep the door ajar. The kid might want to get back in touch. That's better than nothing and you will have had many years of fun.

Ardvark111 · 13/04/2021 01:20

@happycat1212 I'm at a loss how your ex could even write a different child's name on his child's card,?? I think we will have to agree to disagree,!!

BlueDahlia69 · 13/04/2021 01:26

@BustyDusty

Sigh

I understood Dusty 😂🤣

Ringsender2 · 13/04/2021 01:28

@Ardvark111 @Happycat1212

My dad was like this. It really fucked me up.

Sporadic contact is much, much worse than none IMO. Forgotten birthdays, forgotten Christmases when something more interesting (new GF) comes up. But not predictable, so it's the anticipation then the let-down and feelings of rejection, and not being good enough to want to see.

The Big Day Out every now and then. When you let your guard down because this sparkle of attention is what you've been desperate for. Then getting let down again...

My mum thought she was doing her best by not speaking badly of him. (She had him on a bit of a pedestal also.) That was just confusing, as his behaviour was awful. Not that the other parent should only talk negatively about the unreliable one, but realistic and honest discussions and support are needed, not sugar-coated excuses.

BustyDusty · 13/04/2021 01:34

Hardarse. Useful to hear a man's such as yours POV on threads like this. Informative. Thanks.

MonkeyNotOrgangrinder · 13/04/2021 01:34

Consistency is better for children, either consistently there or consistently not there. Not being picked up and put down as the father pleases.
Even if A Man who is posting has a different opinion, doesn't make it true 🤷‍♀️

TurquoiseLemur · 13/04/2021 01:39

@Ardvark111

I have slated this man,!! All I'm saying is it would be nice if he were to simply post bday / Xmas cards to kids, as something is better than nothing,!! At the end of the day he is those kids father despite his selfish / uncaring ways
Something isn't always better than nothing. For the reasons HappyCat gives above. Every time he sends a card, the kids will be hopeful that they're going to have a proper relationship with him, only to have those hopes dashed when he disappears. That is heartbreaking and deeply damaging to children.

The fact he is their father does not give him the right to mess them about. It makes it worse, not better. What an odd view of father-children relationships you have.

Ardvark111 · 13/04/2021 01:49

@ringsender2 that is a honest and very respectful post from you. ( which included my name lol ) I'm sorry you endured what you did,. I am and always will be of the belief it's never to late for absent parents to reconnect with there children with the majority of effort from the absent parent of course and if this is what the child wants,!!

Onthedunes · 13/04/2021 02:03

I think that's a slam dunk for @BustyDusty

Grin
OldChinaJug · 13/04/2021 04:47

@Ardvark111

Further to my previous post as a father myself ( not a absent 1 tho ) I usually would say in circumstances like this. keep the door ajar for him to return into the kids lives, but the op makes no reference to any infrequent indirect contact from him to his kids. as even that is better than zero contact,!!
I'm a primary school teacher. I work with a number of external agencies to support children's mental health and development.

Children whose fathers pop in and out of their lives when they feel like it do not benefit from this. It damages their self esteem and sense of self. Their fathers are unreliable and unpredictable. Their children can't depend on them. Their mental health is affected, they perform less well at achool. They have greater difficulty forming positive relationships with their peers. It creates insecure attachments in their later life so they find it harder to form positive romantic relationships.

Boys will often go on to repeat this behaviour with their own children. Women will often go on to form relationships with similar sorts of men to their fathers.

So no, it's not better than zero contact.

She hasn't said.amything about occasional indirect ontact because, presumably, there's nothing to say.

At some point you are just going to have to accept that some men are shit fathers and there is not a conspiracy by women to keep them from their children!

SunIsComing · 13/04/2021 06:56

Wow, that was a jump! Going from shit dad can’t be arsed to see his kids must be suicidal... why not he must be a tosser who can’t deal with responsibility and is a selfish pig? Go through cms.

Happycat1212 · 13/04/2021 10:56

@happycat1212 I'm at a loss how your ex could even write a different child's name on his child's card,?? I think we will have to agree to disagree,!!

Because he sent it from moonpig, and if you have used moonpig you will see that the cards have names on and You have to change them, you get to write your own text, only he didn’t, shows how much effort he put into it! So when the card arrives it “To Riley happy 9th birthday” my son is not called Riley 😑 luckily I checked it before handing it to him. Went in the bin.

LDom · 13/04/2021 11:34

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LDom · 13/04/2021 11:37

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Sparklfairy · 13/04/2021 11:41

[quote Ardvark111]**@2ndtimemum2* I obviously cannot provide evidence * but surely some contact is better than no contact as I said kids will come of age to turn there backs on him if they wish but the children sound very young,!! And saucer of milk for you 're your 2nd post aimed at me Smile[/quote]
I'm not sure tbh. It's very/more upsetting to be so happy your dad has come back and have them let you down over and over, speaking from experience. Far better for them to get to the point of acceptance that he's just not coming back. It's so unfair and selfish of him to play with their emotions like this and could really damage them.

Moonface123 · 13/04/2021 12:07

You and your kids deserve a lot better.
Draw a line and move on.
He is a total waste of space, let him go and ruin someone else's life.
I would go No Contact forever, and re build a much healthier way of life. Good Riddance to him.

Allwokedup · 13/04/2021 12:08

How old are the dc?

Juno231 · 13/04/2021 12:20

@SunIsComing it was a joke - I'd totally put that on FB to shame him.

Triffid1 · 13/04/2021 12:29

[quote Ardvark111]**@2ndtimemum2* I obviously cannot provide evidence * but surely some contact is better than no contact as I said kids will come of age to turn there backs on him if they wish but the children sound very young,!! And saucer of milk for you 're your 2nd post aimed at me Smile[/quote]
Well no, because what evidence there is (as mentioned by other posters) is that the roller coaster of uncertainty is definitely worse for children. A birthday card one year leads to excited expectations of a birthday card the following year, only to be devastated when it doesn't happen. A fun day out leads to expectations of more fun day out and more contact, "but he seemed to be enjoying himself with me, why would he not want to see me again". All of this just sets the child up to distrust other people in their lives and to live a constant life on the edge... waiting for that breadcrumb from their father.

I think part time fathers like to think that dropping in and out is better than nothing but it's not the same. Being a father comes with certain expectations and if you can't meet those, you're better off allowing your children to simply know that you're a bad dad.

SakuraEdenSwan1 · 13/04/2021 13:18

Cut him off for good because in my own personal experience of my ex doing this with my youngest, he will constantly let your child down and it's heartbreaking seeing your DC feel so abandoned.

Queenie6655 · 13/04/2021 23:58

@BustyDusty

Op. Big suitcase. Sunnies. Passport. I suggest Croatia...wonderful climate, food and beaches. Leave his kid on his doorstep or that of any member of his family/friends. However, as Lard-arse says, keep the door ajar. The kid might want to get back in touch. That's better than nothing and you will have had many years of fun.
Why are you still posting this nonsense 😡😡
Ardvark111 · 14/04/2021 15:38

@oldchinajug I don't doubt your credentials or experiences Its a very difficult and can be very divisive argument. Off topic a bit but To the point courts can decide children's rights / fate on contact in some instances, iv had to go via contact centre in past it wasn't great for either me / my child but if it meant spending time with my child so be it.... @dustybusty you come out with some 💩 comments,!! Especially OP going to croatia suggestion Hmm

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