Utterly heartbroken

[Happinessevaded]

I don’t know where to turn. I’ve no friends anymore and am so lonely and my long term partner told me this weekend that he doesn’t think staying together is right for us. It’s very complicated, he is going through a divorce and he has trust issues as have I.

On paper it sounds doomed but only last week he was saying he still wants to build a life with me irrespective of our differences and the past hurt. This weekend after much conflict around his divorce - conflict between him and I, he reached the conclusion it won’t work and we would be miserable given the challenges of different histories and lifestyles. He maintains after a blow out last week that he’s come to the realisation that whilst we are still deeply in love certain challenges are too big.

He has also said he will consider meeting up if after some time of reflection I still want to meet but he feels he can’t change how he feels because of all the past hurt and things I shared which has given him an impression that my values are not what I say they are, so meeting isn’t the right thing but he’ll still do it if I want to but I need to seriously think if it’s the right thing.
When we met I’d come out of an abusive relationship with my Dcs dad and thought I was in a good place but in hindsight I wasn’t ready. He was as he’s older and has been ‘single’ for years.

He’s messaged after our discussions to say thank you for a thoughtful message I sent outlying I understood why we are here and he loves me and I said I’d think about meeting and whether it was in reality the right thing to do and sent him a long message outlining my concerns and if I still think it’s the right decision to meet. I’ve not committed to meeting just yet either way. He won’t read it tonight as emotions are still running high and he is tired from work and needs time.

He’s says he still loves me and wants to save our relationship but as of now doesn’t think it’s possible or the right thing as he doesn’t think he can change his uncomfortable feelings about things I shared about my previous lifestyle. I used to go out a lot and party and he thinks that lifestyle is incompatible with a relationship. I don’t go out anymore as I’m far too old and just am not interested but he struggles to believe this.

Is there still hope considering he will still meet and hasn’t stopped communication. We are still kind towards each other there is no aggression but a lot of hurt.

He is sensitive and takes time to process things but a lot has happened including his divorce is in year two. When we met I had a close platonic friend whom he thinks was more - it wasn’t but he was a close childhood friend and he can’t get past the fact I was so close and that it was inappropriate considering our new relationship and how much I said I loved him. I was spending time with this friend but in a group and at the time he was still spending time with his family and didn’t disclose this as I’d get the wrong impression. This friend did have feelings for me but at the same time he was still dissolving his marriage. I was not the OW. All this happens years ago but for some reason it’s all come to a head.

We spent all weekend talking after an enormous argument and it was terribly sad but we were still very loving and kind and there is still intimacy which under the circumstances wasn’t smart.

I want to save the relationship but he is so conflicted doesn’t know what to do and veers between he’s thinks it’s doomed to not being sure what to do and will consider all I have said. Last week it was entirely the other way around I said I couldn’t do it anymore as the divorce was dragging and we do have challenges. I’m so sad but know I can’t change his mind he has to come to conclusions on his own life I’ve done. Just when I get to a place where I want to save things he doesn’t.

This is very jumbled but im struggling to gather my thoughts.

What can I do to save things.

This is way, way too much drama for two people in the mid-lives to be dealing with, especially with kids.

You've done nothing wrong - you've had a life that you've experienced and maybe made some mistakes and absolutely nobody should be making you feel like a relationship hinges on your behaviour from the past. That's just insane.

This man is not a good man, he's stringing you along to suit his needs and causing you to be codependent on him before cutting the ties. He'll be back asking for forgiveness before long and the cycle will repeat itself and you'll forever be wondering when he's going to pull the rug again.

Seriously - get out, ditch him, block him, do not engage. If you have to have any contact with him (and I don't see why as you don't have kids together/financial ties) grey rock him. Spend some time evaluating the relationship and your abusive one beforehand - recommend the Freedom Programme as others have previously said.

Please do not waste this time in your life chasing after someone who isn't worthy.

[quote Happinessevaded]@Babygotblueyes why do you say that, so he wants to continue but just keeping me anxious wondering if it’s over or not? [/quote]
Some people really enjoy the feeling of control over others, and boost their own self esteem and feelings about themselves by affecting how other people feel. He could be just indecisive and not caring enough of your feelings to make a firm decision, or he could be one of the people I mentioned above and somehow your distress is pleasing to him. Either way, this is not how reasonable people treat others and you would be better off away from him, however painful that may feel.

Perhaps he actually jealous you had a ''life'' in the past and still have a long standing close friendship with someone who happens to be a man - which he never ''achieved''?

He's controlling. You are making excuses for him. You sound desperate to hang on to an older married man. Harsh but that's all I'm seeing. You are lonely but this isn't the solution.

@Happinessevaded

He has also offered to pay for major works to my flat which desperately need doing. So it’s really confusing why he’s do that.

He's controlling you

OMG he's in his late 60s??? Come on OP, you cannot put up with this manipulative controlling behaviour. He's acting like your Father/Priest rather than partner.

GET RID

@Happinessevaded

There is a 22 year age different I’m mid 40s It does seem like far too much effort at this point

That's a big age gap. Walk away and start a new life and seek company elsewhere. Life is too short and you all deserve better

In my experience "traditional" (often old school is used too) actually translates to "sexist, controlling, hypocritical, judgemental" etc.

In any case he's not traditional.

He likes the sound of the word to justify his behaviour but he's not ... I know traditional men and they would never break up their marriage over "becoming like house mates" ... They accept that as part of the unfortunate but fairly natural evolution of a decades long monogamous relationship; some couples who've been together for years may still have a very active sex life but many have a minimal one (and sometimes none at all). That's not uncommon and the truly traditional men, in my experience, would never leave a marriage at all let alone with children and prospective grandchildren over it. The marriage and it's context is more important than that. (Some ppl might think that's not healthy etc but nonetheless it's my experience of "traditional"en & couples).

On top of that a truly traditional man would not get into relationships and have sex with other women while still married. He has been legally, technically married all this time .. it's inappropriate, immoral even to a truly traditional person to do that; they would get their divorce done (even without your spouse's consent you can do that five years after you've separated) or they would abstain from relationships and sex with other people until divorced.

So I call bullshit on "traditional". It's a handy word for him to severely judge you and be controlling etc - because he's judgemental, jealous, controlling type of person.

Interesting his wife had not gotten into a relationship in all this time too; one wonders what pressure/influence/manipulation may have been put on her by him to keep the status quo as he likes it. Hard to imagine such a judgemental, inclined to jealousy man would be all chilled and happy with his wife (his life and intimate partner for years) getting into significant relationships, having sex, having the men introduced to his kids etc. I don't think it's s coincidence that she hasn't apparently.

He wants things set up to suit him.

Traditional is bullshit.

It's also bullshit to judge you on having gone through a party phase, which many people have when younger .. and that he couldn't commit to you now because you might be inclined to be like that again .... You're older, yours a parent, your peers are older, you haven't been like that for seemingly a long time. So it's bullshit. It makes him sound,car best, very insecure.

Perhaps this 60s guy, with his paranoia that you'll want to socialise lots or might meet someone else is not a good match for a 40s woman (?) Age would t be an issue if he wasn't so judgemental, insecure, and hypocritical ... Bit he is.

Also he's hypocritical because he lied by omission about spending time with his wife and family during your relationship (?) while reacting very severely to you having a platonic male friend stay over in the context of socialising with him and others. Also because he found platonic (?) messages about socialising from him and gas accessed you of lying about it (coming from someone who lied by omission himself about where he was and who he was spending time with) ... Did you even lie about no longer being in contact with this guy or were you accused of lying by omission? If you did lie by omission was it because he was being controlling about it and banned you from interacting with that guy, even within a group? That would obviously be quite controlling behaviour given you've not had any romantic or sexual interaction with him.

You seem to be really under this guy's spell and very invested and attached ... Probably because he's been doing "push pull" on you (intentionally or unintentionally) through most of your relationship, after the honeymoon period.

You now think he's the prize, you've got to win, you have really string feelings etc but maybe it's not reality. You could do with taking a big step back and assessing this guy critically!

What would you think of him as an outsider; if if were your sister or friend who was involved with him and he'd been acting the way he has and is now essentially finishing with them (but saying he'll continue meeting which just causes a wound to never heal over .. you need NC to get over a relatively, not contact)?

He’s far too old OP, why would you want to date a nearly 70 year old when you’re in your 40s? No wonder he is so concerned about your lifestyle! Because you still have fun and youth on your side and he’s slowing down.

Be honest, are you with him for the financial security and stability?

Along similar lines to the poster above (and others now the age difference is known) .... It takes a very particular type of person to have a relationship with someone 22 years younger and not worry about it - and he is not that type of person.

Aside from everything else, it seems like he's thinking about the difference in ages (and what that will be like in time when he's in his 70s and 80s and you're only in your 50s and 60s) ... And while not realistic it's manifesting itself in thoughts about you returning to a "party" lifestyle (or at the very least a very active, sociable lifestyle) and maybe meeting someone else who's closer in age to you etc and he doesn't want to further invest inna relationship where he fears that will happen , that you may think you love him madly now but will it really persist through time when he becomes elderly and you're not.

You can prostrate yourself saying and trying to prove that won't be the case, and it might make them get back involved temporarily .. bit ultimately their fear/insecurity will bubble up and cause them to not settle in or commit to the relationship.

Alongside sounding like quite jealous, controlling and insecure full stop; it could be that that is why he's fixating on your (not particularly crazy by the sounds of it) past, your active social life with a group that unused a guy who was perhaps interested in you, even though you haven't been involved .. and blowing it up.

None of it is your fault; it just demonstrates the realm issues with trying to have a relationship with someone significantly older than you, a generation essentially, esp if that person is not robust enough to have the relationship without being paranoid, insecure, controlling, flaky etc.

He clearly has other issues going on too - do you never ask yourself why a relationship wasn't successful with any of the women he was involved with during the 9 (?) years before he got involved with you?

I'm sure he has reasons and I'm sure he was convincing but ime someone who's getting into relationships for nearly a decade (while still married of course), dating people etc .. but they keep going nowhere and ending; there are issues there. I'm.surd you thought you were the exception, that it just wasn't 'right" til then but realistically (and I've experienced this) there is no special "right", it isn't any different and your relationship ends up confirming to their pattern.

Thank you I’ve skimmed through the last few messages and I had to do something. It’s been helpful to see the comments about the age difference. It’s never been an issue up until now as there seems to be more focus on it. I have always known what it involved and was fine with it. I am a homebody but nature and that is where the points of conflict as he doesn’t believe that because my history. I think he wants to but can’t bring himself to accept it. I know I can’t change his mind but I want him to come to a realisation I wouldn’t just abandon him

OP what do you get out of this ?

because it sounds like precious little.

I am a homebody but nature and that is where the points of conflict as he doesn’t believe that because my history
Oh come on OP. You can't believe that surely. You'd have to be a conplete idiot to think that if you partied when you were 20 you will never ever settle down. That would preclude basically the whole population from having a relationship. Hes fucking with your head. What did his 20s look like? Did he sit at home for the whole of his youth reading Proust? Spend it in a monastery?

I get much out of it beyond the angst I’ve highlighted more than I thought possible which seems to go against all I’ve said.

I’ve not properly considered his view well recent views on the age gap tbh and would love to dispel his fears

He was studying and working then and had a young family so struggles to understand my wild and wicked youth

He sounds selfish controlling and utterly exhausting. I would spend your efforts of your self esteem which he appears to have crushed for his own gain.

You are allowed to have had a life before meeting new people. It's not your fault, he married young, and did not enjoy social activities, that millions of 20 somethings enjoy.

You cannot rewrite the past lifestyle, and tbh he is setting you up to fail, every excuse he gives to stop your moving forward is an impossible task of erasing your past. Well what about his past? When he questions your past, question his? I'll bet you he'll not like it one bit.

You sound far too invested in his needs wants feelings and seem ti have forgotten yourself OP, you deserve to be cherished, not judged. 🌸

Don't forget the saying - ''The past is another country - they do things differently there''.

He was studying and working then and had a young family so struggles to understand my wild and wicked youth

Is he the one describing your past this way? Or he is making you look at it this way?

You had a life before him. Shocker. I'd run a mile from this guy. Just because this controlling behaviour is different from your past abusive relationship, it doesn't make it less of a red flag.

the use of the word 'wicked' is interesting too 🤔

The life we were supposed to lead would have been a fairytale and I don’t mean that in wishful thinking but it really could have been

This is nonsense but I think it’s the crux of your issue. You need to let go of how you think it was supposed to be and look at how it actually is. Because we could all say that - my life with my ex would have been great if he didn’t decide to start shagging that girl from work behind my back. My sister’s marriage would have been perfect if her husband wasn’t a violent drunk.

To go back to a previous poster’s cup of tea analogy - it’s like saying you could have had a lovely cup of tea if someone hadn’t shat in it. But they (he) did and there’s no amount of stirring and sieving you can do now to change the fact the tea has shit in it. The tea is undrinkable and needs pouring away, no use sitting crying about what a nice cup of tea it could have been. Make yourself a fresh one.

Also the fact you describe it as a possible fairytale is telling. Things seeming like a fairytale or too good to be true should ring alarm bells - there are no fairytales really, not in real life. There are good, healthy relationships that feel great most of the time and should never make you feel as wretched as you do now, but even so they’re not fairytales. A fairytale is a made up story that someone tells to someone younger and more naive, like the flannel he’s been spinning you about how perfect your life could have been if only you were good enough, but sadly you’re not good enough because of some unspecified nonsense in the past. It’s to keep you dangling and keep you in your place.

wild and wicked youth

Come on now, you had a few too many shandies and a few ill advised fumbles, hardly wicked and doesn’t even register on most people’s ‘wild’ scale even.

You haven’t answered my question earlier - do you honestly believe you really did tell him these explicit details from your past? Does he actually know anything specific and accurate enough to prove that you definitely did this? If so - why do you believe you told him? Do you think you just blurted it out for laughs despite never talking like that in all other aspects of your life or do you think he was grilling you a bit? If he was asking for this information - why? When he apparently can’t deal with knowing the shameful truth (which I highly doubt is anything that would even raise an eyebrow with most people)? Why did he ask you these things if not to have a stick to beat you with?

Do the freedom programme OP. Honestly.

He struggles to understand your wild and wicked youth?????? What the hell were you doing? Probably absolutely nothing worthy of his judgement the sanctimonious twat.

Give your head a wobble and focus on your dc's. It sounds like he's looking for excuses to break it off but hasn't got the balls

Oh god, he's awful.
He disapproves of your 'party lifestyle' (from 20 yrs ago- totally normal and nothing to do with him).
He implies you have been promiscuous.
He thinks you have slept with a friend and has coerced you into cutting contact with this person who you have valued for many years.
He's not happy if you go out (implication that you can't be trusted).
It's entirely possible/likely from what you've said that you didn't actually tell him any intimate details re your past but that he is saying you did to elicit a confession or just hold this over you.
And the age difference- I'm assuming he's just turned 65? Sounds like he's struggling with that a bit and focussing on how much younger you are (while convincing himself that your younger age means that you are compelled to behave in a way which he views as inappropriate)

Just no. This is coercive control. He's an abuser and he's not even hiding it. Please keep yourself and your children a million miles away from this 'man'

If hours and pages of comments haven't made a dent with the OP the I'm afraid nothing will. You need to seek counselling to sort out the madness you're putting your DC through. I hope they at least have one stable adult in their lives. One who doesn't believe in fairytales.

He was studying and working then and had a young family so struggles to understand my wild and wicked youth

He understands fine, he enjoys using it against you.

You do realise that most of us had a good time at that age?