Mum being NRP

[Lena007]

What would you do if you were in my shoes? I'm looking for some wise words and point of views before I make final decision. My head is spinning now and I have no idea what to do.

Split with DS's (11) father 2 years ago. I was bullied in the situation where ExH stayed in our marital home, got a residence order in place and I only see DS every alternative weekend and one night per week. The court decided it is in the best interest for DS to remain in his family home, with his father. I have done nothing wrong, apart from leaving the abuser and taking my child is my punishment for leaving.

Over the last two years my relationship with DS deteriorated to the point where I dread every single day when he is here. I don't handle his behaviour. He can often be cruel and would do anything to see me sad, upset, frustrated. As crazy as it sounds, I have been hit, scratched, shouted at, bullied and intimidated by my own child, in my own home. He hates me, hates everyone I like. He says everyone is stupid and boring except of him and his dad. He says he can't wait until he will be 14 so he can decide he only wants to be at his dad and never see me again. All I tried was the best for him. Everything I do for him is spat in my face.

School has arranged councilling for him due to start after Easter break. His father thought him all the tricks, gaslighting and how to manipulate me, it feels like they two teamed up with one aim to destroy my life. DS does exactly what his father used to do to me when we were together.

Last time when I was hit by DS I phoned police. They came and talked to him. When they left, apart from swearing abuse towards me, DS said they were here to tell me I am the pain in the ass.

I'm lost. Keep thinking about it constantly, can't concentrate, can't eat, can't sleep. I feel like the amount of stress just broke me and there is no way back. I'm at the point where I think I should just give up and move on. Stick to the court order and don't go through the next court cases trying to get more residence. Because ExH will never let it go. Even if I win it now, he is going to contest it. He constantly lies, everyone believes him and he gets what he wants. Always. I'm so tired fighting with this. A thought of me having to go through courts for the next couple of years trying to untangle the lies makes me cringe.

I fear that even if I got DS for majority of the time I will not be able to undo this all and change his character and behaviour. That he will make my life a hell for the next 3 years and then he will go off to his father leaving me completely alone and mentally destroyed. I am already isolated when he is at mine, no one with other kids want to be in contact due to his behaviour.

What would you do? I only wanted a peaceful, quiet life.

If I felt like my child was being so negatively affected I'd absolutely be going for more contact. Unless there is a good reason for it not to, 50/50 seems to be the default as it's considered in a child's best interests to have a relationship with both parents.

If I were you I would get social worker involved and this is why. It sounds like parental alienation and my ex was a victim of that and he was and is an angry man now. He will go on to treat women like this too. You really need good advice on this but you must not let it go. From what I’ve seen it never ends well for the parent doing it because your son is so young he is being brainwashed literally. I’m so sorry for you. My ex is similar but not that stage yet but I’ve had certain comments and behaviour when they’ve been with dad that causes concern. These men will get their karma though eventually I believe unless they change. Please get advice because it’s not normal for children to do that to their parent unless they are being severely brainwashed and this is also child abuse

Parental alienation isn’t just about not sending the child to contact it can be done in such a way that the parent manipulates and brainwashes the child to the point the child genuinely believes he dislikes you and that those are his feelings. I am led to believe that social workers are aware of this type of abuse more now. That’s what it is

Your ex is a bully and he is turning your son into one too.

You need to seek support from Social Services and look to get this put back through the courts.

Move away and start over, to be honest.

He's basically abusing your son by training him to be this way. I'm sorry.

My initial thought was the same as oops. Id move far, far away.

But getting social services involved sounds like a much more sensible idea.

@OppsUpsSide

Move away and start over, to be honest.

You cant just opt out on your kid.

Especially when it's clear as day the boys behaviour is as a direct result of having an abusive resident parent.

You cant just opt out on your kid. I assumed she meant take the child and move.

Oh OP. It sounds like your son is now being abused too, he is learning this behaviour from his dad. I would be referring to social services. This sounds so hard for you.

OP there's an organisation called MatchMothers who offer support to mums in your situation. They have a website and a support line which operates morning and evening.
My eldest was alienated and so much harm has been done, I worry about his ability to form proper relationships as a result. His father is no longer allowed to see him or his siblings so there is a silver lining. Definitely seek advice. When police are called they make a referral to social services so there should be some follow up from them and you can tell them of your concerns regarding his aggressive behaviour towards you especially if it's mirroring behaviour in his home.

Don’t give up on him xx

My
Mum
Did this to me. My eldest son now lives with her and I pay far more than I should in maintainence to be told “the next time I’ll be happy to see you you’ll be in a box” by him.

I’ve quite enjoyed lockdown and the restrictions as it’s made it much more difficult for him to abuse me.

I’m so sorry OP.

I feel for you. I've had a somewhat similar experience myself but with only one of my children- the only boy.
It was really hard for many years but for me these are things that helped me:
Get counselling for your son- find a councillor or therapist you trust.
Try to put firm boundaries in place for him while remaining calm. ( very hard I know)
Seek help from professionals such as CAMHS.
Get yourself some counselling and antidepressants if necessary.
Confide in close friends to vent.
Stay in touch with your son through text/ calls etc if he has a phone- always be as positive as possible.
Try to do the odd fun weekend away doing an activity he loves.

Keep the door open because it's likely at some point he will work out what his Dad is really like and need you.
For my son it took until he was 14 for him to realise and a traumatic event involving his father ( excess alcohol on his Dad's part) was the trigger for him to start to join the dots.
Now he moves between our two houses and has a key to both and is often here for additional days and nights when his Dad is trying to manipulate him and blackmail him.
I really hope you manage to get through this stage.

How is he treated by his father?

The next few years will be absolutely crucial in shaping the man he turns out to be. It isn't too late for him but you need to have more of an influence over him / his lifestyle / behaviour. He has seen too much from his father, you need to give him another perspective- another outlook on life.

My DP lived with his DF as a child. Saw his mum EOW and once in the week. He felt like she had let him down massively, by not being resident career. He doesn't know why he felt like that because he knows the reasons for it and they make complete sense. But he still feels she should have fought harder for him, wanted him more like stereotypically kids stay with their mums and in his mind, his mum didn't want him enough. Could your DS be feeling rejected in some way?

I'm so sorry to hear about so many people going through this.

DS won't answer phone, won't text back even to a simple 'hi how are you?'. The only thing he wants to do is to play call of duty. Everything else he is not even interested in.

It breaks my heart to see how he has changed. But it also brakes my heart when I get all the abuse from him. Other kids would talk about how much they love their mum, he talks about how stupid and useless I am.

I call him out on what he does to me and others, tell him this is bullying and abuse what he does. He then says 'your brain is so messed up, it's actually so funny'

I'm terrified he took after his father and is going to be exactly like him.

He gets to do all he wants at his dad's. He can watch TV and play games all day long, goes to bed late and similar. ExH was distant and cold towards DS, always angry and unavailable. Now he seems to be the most loving and interested father in the world.

No idea how DS is he treated by him behind the closed doors. DS won't say a bad word about ExH. It feels almost as he has the dad he has never had before and wants to protect it.

@stayathomenightmare in what way was it hard? Was it until certain age or something had heppened that changed it? How old is your DS?

This will not be a fashionable opinion, but I would consider letting his dad have him for now. You are a human being, not your son's whipping boy, and at 11 he is old enough to know what shitty behaviour is. If you keep on overtrying all the time, you run the risk of him thinking you are nothing, just rubbish and worth mockery, which is very damaging to both you and him. If you draw a boundary, he and you can then reassess. He is not a baby, he is 11, and maybe a long spell with his dad might not be so bad a plan. Give him time to realise his dad is an arsehole.

I think I would wait and see what the counselling brings, to be honest.

What does your son say about wanting more contact? At eleven, will his wishes be taken into account? Does he want more contact? I think if he is saying no, he does not want more contact, then I would stop fighting for it and let things sit for a bit. Tell him you love him and that you would love to see him more but you cannot force him to do something he does not want to do. If he does want more contact, but is scared of his father, then hopefully this will come out in counselling.

I feel desperately sorry for you but I also think your mental health comes first. I think you should just let things sit for a few months and not do anything, stick with the existing court order and wait and see how the counselling goes.

On a practical level, I don’t know about Call of Duty, but does your son also play at your house? Or is the problem that his gaming stuff is at his dad’s and he feels like he is missing playing online? He is in a strange place at yours and I wonder how much of his every day life is simply elsewhere.

@Mistystar99 we have a child welfare hearing arranged early May. I have been waiting for this for over a year. Will need to make decision by then I would think. And then potentially cancel it?

@Lena007

He gets to do all he wants at his dad's. He can watch TV and play games all day long, goes to bed late and similar. ExH was distant and cold towards DS, always angry and unavailable. Now he seems to be the most loving and interested father in the world.

No idea how DS is he treated by him behind the closed doors. DS won't say a bad word about ExH. It feels almost as he has the dad he has never had before and wants to protect it.

@stayathomenightmare in what way was it hard? Was it until certain age or something had heppened that changed it? How old is your DS?

It was hard because I felt I was losing him and I had to watch him become argumentative and dismissive of me. My family told me to hang in there and things would get resolved and in the end- he's now 16, he's open with me, chatty, loving and it's all ok when he's here. I think maturing has helped.

@KatySun DS doesn't want an increased constant, quite opposite. If asked by court he would state that and he is going to do so. I'm told dad employed someone who will ask him that and then will write a report for the court.

I limit his games, try to do different things with him, take him out to different places, trips, find fun things to do at home too to keep him busy. Call of duty is a shooting game which to my mind makes DS more aggressive.

I'm so sorry you're in this situation and have no words of advice I can offer you. But I'm so scared this will be me.. My ex won't ever gain residence of our DD as he abused her and me.. But I'm worried he will turn her into an abuser if he has long term unsupervised contact with her, her behaviour is so bad after she sees him, she currently sees him in a contact centre once a fortnight.. He will turn her into a bully and an abuser and will poison her and turn her against me and she will end up wanting to live with him.. It terrifies me..
I'm so sorry you're in this situation and I don't doubt you're a wonderful mother. Its absolutely awful. Can the court not relook at your order, can you not apply for a variation on the basis your ex is severely emotionally and mentally harming your DS?

Where I am (Scotland) the court would appoint an independent welfare reporter to provide a report to the court, not one parent provide it. In other words, Dad cannot employ someone to provide DS’s view. DS’s views are supposed to be independently sought and the welfare reporter would be instructed who else to speak to. Was a welfare report done when residency was contested? Or did your ex gain residency simply because that was the status quo?

Is there a risk that you would come out with less contact from this child welfare hearing?

By status quo, I mean that DS was staying in the family home, not that his dad had been the primary carer before that.