Mum being NRP

[Lena007]

What would you do if you were in my shoes? I'm looking for some wise words and point of views before I make final decision. My head is spinning now and I have no idea what to do.

Split with DS's (11) father 2 years ago. I was bullied in the situation where ExH stayed in our marital home, got a residence order in place and I only see DS every alternative weekend and one night per week. The court decided it is in the best interest for DS to remain in his family home, with his father. I have done nothing wrong, apart from leaving the abuser and taking my child is my punishment for leaving.

Over the last two years my relationship with DS deteriorated to the point where I dread every single day when he is here. I don't handle his behaviour. He can often be cruel and would do anything to see me sad, upset, frustrated. As crazy as it sounds, I have been hit, scratched, shouted at, bullied and intimidated by my own child, in my own home. He hates me, hates everyone I like. He says everyone is stupid and boring except of him and his dad. He says he can't wait until he will be 14 so he can decide he only wants to be at his dad and never see me again. All I tried was the best for him. Everything I do for him is spat in my face.

School has arranged councilling for him due to start after Easter break. His father thought him all the tricks, gaslighting and how to manipulate me, it feels like they two teamed up with one aim to destroy my life. DS does exactly what his father used to do to me when we were together.

Last time when I was hit by DS I phoned police. They came and talked to him. When they left, apart from swearing abuse towards me, DS said they were here to tell me I am the pain in the ass.

I'm lost. Keep thinking about it constantly, can't concentrate, can't eat, can't sleep. I feel like the amount of stress just broke me and there is no way back. I'm at the point where I think I should just give up and move on. Stick to the court order and don't go through the next court cases trying to get more residence. Because ExH will never let it go. Even if I win it now, he is going to contest it. He constantly lies, everyone believes him and he gets what he wants. Always. I'm so tired fighting with this. A thought of me having to go through courts for the next couple of years trying to untangle the lies makes me cringe.

I fear that even if I got DS for majority of the time I will not be able to undo this all and change his character and behaviour. That he will make my life a hell for the next 3 years and then he will go off to his father leaving me completely alone and mentally destroyed. I am already isolated when he is at mine, no one with other kids want to be in contact due to his behaviour.

What would you do? I only wanted a peaceful, quiet life.

@Pebbledashery I hope you will never experience it 

@KatySun we are in Scotland too. I'm unsure what kind of a report it is going to be but thank you for advice on the welfare one. It may be something my lawyer may suggest. It has not been done yet. ExH got a temporary child residence order as he remained in the family home. Because of covid and my previous lawyer dragging his feet with everything, we are in the same place almost 2 years later.

Have you got a decent lawyer now?

@KatySun Hopefully I do.

@Thehop I have been thinking about you and can't even imagine what you went through How did your mum managed to do it?

I've spoken to my parents about it and both of them say I should just leave it as it is. They say ExH's priority is to destroy me completely and he won't give up until that happens and the best is just to separate from it completely. Keep the door open for DS in case he would want to come back and try to keep as good relationship with him as possible. They say once mental health deteriorates, it is going to take years to fix it, if ever. My mum had a severe anxiety when I was a child and it took her years to come back from there. We have also lost someone very close who committed suicide after years of being in a very unhappy and abusive relationship. This is where they are coming from. They also say that life is too short and I will waste my youth living in a constant stress and fighting through courts with ExH and DS.

What does your lawyer say? And I suppose the other thing which matters is whether you are on legal aid, because in my experience, child welfare proceedings can cost a lot of money as well as being very stressful.

I do have some sort of legal aid, the one I need to pay back, it is just for over £1k.

Lawyer was surprised I wanted more contact as it seemed the case has been closed. Im unsure what happened there and why he thought that. Maybe because there was no movement there for a while due to covid and the previous lawyer not doing much. The new one arranged the child welfare hearing to try to get me more contact with DS. We have a meeting arranged for a week before the hearing to discuss it all. He said he will do what he can.

I have had this for 5 years. It's possibly beginning to get better. It's hard to tell (my dd is 16 now). At 11 please don't give up . Your ds is testing you with his behaviour and his words. He wants to know if you'll stick around. If you cancel the court proceedings you risk him taking it that you don't want him at all. I wish I had taken court action.

It will be very very tough and you don't know where you'll be in a few years time. Could be better or could be worse. You need lots of support to get you through. Keep being there. Make sure you are doing mum things, school etc, text him even if he doesn't text back. Also try to get something going for you so you have your own life. A hobby or something. That has helped me a lot too.

Parental alienation is illegal in some countries and is getting more understood here by the system.

I don’t think your previous solicitor has served you very well by the sounds of it. If you contested the residence order and were not happy with the contact order, and it was an interim, rather than a final, order, I would have expected there to be another child welfare hearing scheduled at that point.
Anyway, I think you have got nothing to lose by seeing what your new solicitor has to say in advance of the hearing. Are they experienced in litigation? If, for your own peace of mind, you need to be able to say you tried, then I think you should go ahead.

I do tend to see where your parents are coming from, though. I think it would be helpful in your own mind to be clear at what point you say enough. You need to consider your own mental health and well-being but also the fact that you seem to be fighting against the tide with your son’s behaviour and wishes. I also genuinely don’t think the court will change the status quo - that is, that your son stays in the former family home with his dad. If there are arguments to be made about domestic abuse, the question from the other side will be why these were not made two years ago. You could argue that your son is suffering mental distress (counselling as evidence) and possibly parental alienation (but I don’t know how much the courts here pay attention to that). The counter argument from the other side could be that the mental distress is caused by the court case.
To me, as an outsider, it seems that you are doing a good job of trying to offer your son alternatives to gaming and TV and also setting some boundaries. I think you are in a very difficult situation and there is no easy answer.

I hope the counselling helps your son. As a lay person and an outsider, all you can do is keep reassuring him you love him, you want to spend time with him and for it to be enjoyable for both of you. I probably would not call him a bully or abusive but say something like you know he is hurting and angry but that kind of language (calling you stupid and useless) is really not helpful or acceptable. Talk about the behaviour, not him.

*As a lay person and an outsider, I think all you can do...

Sorry reading that back it could have been read that you were the lay person and the outsider, not what I meant at all! I am the lay person and the outsider offering my view...

Don’t give up on him. He is your son. This is learned behaviour from his dad. Try to gain more contact. He needs other influences in his life. Many teenage kids are violent towards their parents - not that this is ok, but you are definitely not alone in this. Well done for calling police - that’s a tough decision to make, but he needs to be taught that there are consequences to his behaviour. He’s not going to learn this at his dads. I would personally start noting the incidents. Dates, times, what’s said, done. Photos of bruises etc. For custody, this shows he is not being provided for mentally and emotionally. It’s tough, but you need to fight for him. He is being led and manipulated and he is too emotionally immature to see this. Good luck.

Am I correct thinking that potential 50/50 is not going to help DS?

@KatySun thank you for your voice of wisdom here. Why do you think the court won't change the status quo?
They will argue DS suffers mental distress when he is at mine and not allowed do what he wants. They will also argue that spending time at my home separates him from his friends, I.e. DS not being within walking distance to go and see them whenever he wants. I have to drop him off to see them although it is just 5 minutes drive and I don't mind doing it, it is one of the reasons why he doesn't want to be here.

@StillDumDeDumming I don't takink I can survive 5 years of this. I have spent one week with DS just there (Easter break) and I feel I have fallen apart and the amount of stress has knock me down.

@Lena007 oh I'm so sorry- I didn't mean to make you feel worse! I think you need to protect yourself and not give up on contact at the same time if at all possible. I had a really good counsellor. Your son will change a lot - it won't always be like this- but that also means that you need to play the long game, so that when he is ready you are still at hand. He moves away, you step closer (whilst still protecting your mental health). I have felt desperate and lost at times. You need excellent support if you can find it.

I think it would be unlikely that the court would change the residence order unless there were welfare concerns, that is what I meant. I am going by what I have read and my own experience/advice, to be clear, I am not a lawyer. However, I was not meaning to comment on contact as well there. I think your lawyer would be best placed to advise, hence seeing what they say prior to the hearing.

In my case, the Sheriff was very keen to be fair to both parties, but ultimately the case was decided on DS’s wishes which were relayed by the court welfare reporter. But we had a different set of issues.

The most substantive of yours seems to be the ‘mental distress when he is with you’ aspect, which sounds like it has been concocted by the other parent unless there are welfare concerns (and if there were welfare concerns, it seems unlikely you would have got EOW, one weekday and half the holidays! XH did not come near that). So this is where external views could be helpful and there is no way of really getting them unless you go to court (or waiting to see what the counselling brings).

Sorry I have been thinking on this some more. If your xH really has concerns about the mental impact of seeing you on DS, why is he agreeing to EOW, one day a week and half the holidays? If a parent had genuine welfare concerns, then contact would be much more limited. So is he really trying to argue that EOW, one day a week and half the holidays is fine for DS but anything else is not? That makes no sense at all as an argument. If I had concerns that the contact was distressing for my DS, he would not be staying a week with his other parent (and indeed does not). So your xH cannot have it both ways - he cannot be happy for you to look after DS for a week in the holidays on one hand, and say that it is too mentally distressing for DS to see you on the other. So his argument makes no logical sense. He has not been back to court to have the contact reduced, because it is distressing DS, which is what he would do if he had genuine welfare concerns. He is holding this over you as a stick to beat you with.

Remember you have parental responsibility as well, including to say you are not happy with the constant gaming and TV and would like your DS to have more varied experiences which you are providing during your contact time. So if you go to court, you can focus on these positive aspects of his time with you as well to show you are fulfilling your parental responsibility.

Plus, your son is going to receive counselling. It is far too soon for anyone to confidently say what is causing his distress.

I would give it one more shot with the child welfare hearing, if I was you. When I went to court, I did so with an open mind that the other side might come out with what they wanted, but if so, then I would need to trust that the Sheriff had made the right decision and saw something that I hadn’t. So I think it is wise to accept that you might not come out of this with what you think is best, BUT you will have had the chance to put your case to a third party.

The day to day issues with your son won’t be solved by the law, though, so I wonder if it is worth taking independent advice on those as how best to support your DS with his emotions and address the behavioural issues at yours. Maybe the counselling will help, but maybe there are other organisations who can advise, I am not sure.

You had a child and its your responsibility as a parent to make a decent adult out of him. If you child strays you put more effort into it, you dont just give up. Your ex is being a terrible role model and a terrible parent, how can you even consider leaving him to it.? Your ex wants to destroy you you say, so he is turning your son into a bully. Are you just gonna stand there and let your ex destroy your sons life because dealing with your kid is affecting your mental health? What about the life long mental health damage your son will suffer if you stop fighting for him?

If you were a man, you would have been torn to shreds here for thinking about abandoning your kid....

@KatySun Thank you. I do realise there are your views and based on experience but it is still very helpful
I push for half the holidays to spend some quality time and have a chance to take DS away for a few days (subject to covid restrictions allowing). And yes you are right, ExH could object if he was genuinely concerned about DS's wellbeing when he is at mine.

That's what I think I'll do. Give it the last shot, use all arguments I have and see what is going to happen. The worst case scenario I would imagine the situation is going to remain as it is now.

School wanted to get DS referred to CAMHS but due to covid and DS not having suicidal thoughts they are not able to help at the moment.

Have school got some concerns then ? Could they help ?

@Cloudfrost
At no point I have mentioned abandoning DS. I don't 'just stand there' waiting for ExH to destroy DS. I have done what I could over the last two years, including pushing the previous lawyer, then changing him because I was concerned about DS mental and physical wellbeing, desperate and determined for someone to finally make some actions instead of telling me for months 'yes I will do it'. Civid didn't help in progressing it. I have been in contact with school, private counselor, dietician as there is a problem now with DS's weight, women's aid, GP and social services. I have had parental trainings to help in managing difficult behaviour.

Yet ExH gets his own way by even lying in the court and thinks he stands above the law, judge, police and everyone else as he gets away with absolutely everything.

I already have been torn to shreds when DS was taken away from me by ExH. I'm still picking up pieces two years later.

It's not that I can't be bothered about DS. It's rather when there will be a time to stop fighting against the wind, just let it go and see what happens.

@notapizzaeater
He was fine in school.
School had to intervene when he refused to go in there but apart from that all fine. They also arranged a counselling for him for which I'm so grateful.

Hi Lena,
I have sent you a PM because I don’t want to put any more on here in case identifiable. I hope that is okay.